I'm a little teapot

That's kind of the point isn't it? The best victims are those that can't be believed.
I'm not here to be validated. I don't want on a radio show. I'm here to work through the pain.

i'm sorry. be strong and work through the victim programming.

I hear you and you know I hear you. I don't know what the hell was done with me and I do not know for what purpose. Yes, there's stuff on the net that you and I both have matched up to. Without a doubt and hell, I've got a damn tape of one of the things used on me for all you that want to say that situations like this are all b.s. You don't think that some really wonky stuff has happened to children here in the US? Guess again. It happened and some of it just can't be explained away by bad parenting. The nasty thing about it is that the very nature of it is one where people will either think you're crazed in thinking that it's possible that these things could be done or will just be so scared that they will duck their heads in the sand and tell you to let it go because it's scaring THEM. Both are attitudes that would be very convenient to someone who is doing such things because either work amazingly well in preventing both public dissemination of information and making sure that it is stopped.

I had some very strange things happen with me and, honestly, I terrify myself. I wish I was either crazy or living in my mother's basement. I really do and I know that light here probably wishes that, too. One could be resolved with a pill and the other would mean that I could feel confidant that every day that my children walk out the door to go to school, they're still going to be in relatively good hands.

I solidly believe the MK Ultra conspiracy theory was designed as part of Clinton's crazy "Vast right wing conspiracy" crap. Those liberals are evil. What kind of people propagate this garbage. From Reagan to Bush 2 to Gov Palin these people have been unconscionably slandered. Really look at what these people are saying, only the sickest minds could think these things up. I can't believe people actually believe this.

Clinton had crap all to do with us. For me, it started in 1975. That's about 20 years before Clinton was elected and Ford would have been in office. Personally, I don't think any politician had anything to do with it. Look at the MK-ULTRA hearings in the mid 70's. I truly believe that Congress was unaware of what was being done to people for a very long time since the 50's, I think. Part of the reason is that they were blanketing what they were doing back then under the auspice of national security. National security is a great encompassing blanket that basically can obscure activities that won't see the light of day.

Let me ask you something. Do you believe that the government would treat children like guinea pigs?

Working through the pain of being invalidated by my family and environment also. The best I can suggest is to empower yourself with NOW. Do not allow yourself to be a victim in this moment or ever again. Find something out of all the mess to stand up for and stand up.

It is hard, I cannot imagine having the experience you explained, but I do know that we are meraculous survivors and have the capacity to take back the power that was taken from us.
Personal responsibility is a very difficult thing to maintain, we cannot blame others and find peace.

To all-
My usual computer got stuck in an IP ban. Will come back to this in a few weeks when it'll invariably lift. In the meantime I probably don't need to leave GLP trails on a work computer.

To the sheep-
I really don't care what some scared or blind sheep say about what they believe or don't believe. I'm quite aware of how easy it is to wear blinders. In some ways I envy you, not many, but some.

To anyone half awake and bothering to listen-
What I'm looking for is a way to move on and away from this fucking nightmare.
Because even if it's not still happening..there are few ways to know what's PTSD flashbacks at this point and what's actually continuing.
It's still got it's ugly black tentacles in my mind. I can't look at a single thing with innocent or trusting eyes, all I see is a people open and ready for exploitation, and those ready and actively working on doing the exploiting, and that scares me. That can't be all this life is. There has to be more.

Observer-
Thanks. It means a lot.

No I don't believe it. The US government did not rape and torture children to create brainwashed CIA agents and high level prostitutes, I mean really? You believe that? From what I understand it ended in 1964 and was actually carried out by universities to test various drugs on peoples minds. But hey keep living the fantasy.

It was a CIA/DoD project and there is plenty of documentation of that. That particular project group ended in 1973, which is 2 years before whatever happened with me started to happen. Just because one project ended does not mean that another one didn't start up. Some of the things that they were doing in MK-ULTRA are research areas that were most likely expanded on and allegedly used in interrogation just a few years ago, if not today still.

I have zero recollection of sex abuse but I do have recollection of some pretty bizarre abuse. I agree with you, actually, in that I do not think that their intentions are necessarily what is advertised on the web ad nauseam. I'm no CIA agent and I sure as hell am not a high level prostitute. I honestly don't know what the hell they did with me. That's part of the problem. I'm a logic beast and you can actually look at my posts on other threads to see that that is true. Historically, I've been a trasher of conspiracy theories. Want to talk embroiled into an ideal? That was me just a year ago. I was the granddaughter of a very high ranked military officer and somebody whose roots are pre-Mayflower. Patriotism was my middle name. Now I feel like I'm the biggest sheep that ever was because no matter how differently colored I thought my wool was, I was duped at a far deeper level than most.

So heavy debunker and major patriot. I find the irony to be quite fitting and I guess karma really is a bitch. I've tried to debunk everything that I have been finding within my own life for the past 8 months and I have found I can't. And you bet they use universities for this stuff. Not disagreeing with you one bit there. If it's simply some form of research, then it's, at the least, unethical research being funded by the government on some level. The reason that why I say that was my grandfather, my biggest hero, was most likely the one who sold me out.

Our government does not always hold what we hold sacred to be sacred themselves. It's like the AIDS drug testing that went on for 20 years on foster children through federal funding. It had far higher than normal incidence of death for the children. Our most vulnerable class that we could possibly have in this country--foster children. If they can do that, what else can they do?

i thought about your post for the last couple days, while i was going thru my own shit and finding stuff online.

here are a couple things i found:

[link to amberlyonlive.com]

[link to www.greenisthenewred.com]

PLEASE click on these!!!!!

Tell us something that we didn't already know. I have never watched television on any current or regular basis, drank tap water, nor have I eaten heavily processed foods. I've been doing those things plus observing everything for the past 30 years. Why do you think my nickname has "Observer" in it? It's what I have done for decades. I watch everything and miss nothing. I just never turned those eyes of mine upon my own life.

I really hope you meant well by this but, at least for me, it feels more like salt in a wound. I sincerely doubt that was your intention. Like I said, we're not CIA agents or high class prostitutes. I don't know what I am. An encyclopedia brittanic sponge version of something that was once a human being that got forced into being more like a computer that observes and defuses as needed? If I am to be totally honest, I'd say that, kind of like how there is a smart bomb, I'm a smart shill. Just one that never got a paycheck for it. Thing is, I've never intentionally disinformed. Just critiqued and defused through the critique. (Really going to be popular here now lol). So, like I said, I don't know what the hell I am. Light may know what she is or may not either. I just know she has some shared experiences and outcomes.

Overall, though, what that video is telling me to do is precisely what I was taught to do. Watch everything. Do something. I'm sorry but I'm tired of having others decide what I do with my life. My life is mine now and for the first time in my life, that's where my focus is. I cannot save you. You have to save yourselves. That's what I'm trying to do--save myself. May seem shallow and self serving but I've never lived my life for me before.

I do hope that at least some of you take what I am saying to heart. I know I can't even begin to describe how deep and diffuse these things are. But the last thing I will do is scream foul. There is something rotten in Denmark indeed.

Hi OP, I am sure the only way out is to find the Truth, which 'is out there' X

Hug.
Hey mr melbourne :)
I feel fucking abnormal just thinking about this stuff, even when I've got mounds of evidence in front of me. If anything it just makes me more dizzy. I can understand wanting to glaze it all over for sanity's sake.
I'm a bit older than you, not by too much. Did you start in Melbourne?



Lol. There's always one...or ten. It is GLP..



I love most of what you write.
But when it comes to my not being CIA. I can't entirely rule that out? I mean, last time I checked I wasn't getting a pay cheque from them or doing anything useful at all with my life, so one could say I'm not easily enough and with evidence to support that claim. But I was a pretty long term guinea pig. Does it mean I was just a guinea pig or that I was meant to be sent out into the field as some sort of trained sucker? IDK. That video did remind me of one thing...that the CIA, as far as anyone knows, likes to create radical extremists globally. I may not be the type to become "active" or do anything fun like blowing stuff up, because I prefer to choose some level of sanity instead..but on an intellectual level I am very much the radical anarchist counter-culture blah blah blah shit stirrer.



Thanks :) I'm getting there.

I still feel like the ban lifted too soon and I'm going to end up back in it lol.
If I disappear, you'll know why :P

I managed to miss your post before. Thank you.
Although I'm still laying blame somewhere, ha. They owe me for years of therapy.

I highly recommend the book Understanding Trauma and Dissociation. It's not directly specifically at RA/Mind Control survivors, but it's really helpful for understanding why flashbacks feel like the present and how to deal with these memories in a healing, productive way. It's really short and concise, which is even better.

I'm brand new at this RA survivor shit, but I'm willing to offer up what little advice I can give. :)

:) Thanks. I'll have to look up the book.

I like gaining access to my memories. They may be fucked up beyond belief, but they are mine. For the years between (when the memories were buried) it's like I was doing things without knowing where those actions were coming from, had strong opinions about things yet the opinions seemingly came out of thin air, and then there were my "random" overreactions to some things and the way I immediately protected anyone that might fall even vaguely into the category of covert abuser.

It's so much easier to know where in the hell I'm coming from, even if it's a bad place..at least I can stop now and say "well maybe I'm being triggered by this now because they did A and B to trigger me like that back then". Or I can say..well, this one here is using classic trigger phrases on me to the point where I would have just felt seriously uncomfortable before and yet still put up with it, but now I'm thinking this isn't a healthy person to let in my life (not everyone does that to me but there have been a few over the years..can you imagine not even being able to identify people that could trigger you to do what they wanted instead of what you wanted? Jesus Christ, the least I should be able to identify is my own freaking abusers)..

that's exactly why i don't care anymore.the people who are lucky enough to have lived a relativley normal life will never believe.

what can I do to help?

Shrink your head first? lol

Lol, that I'll take.

Yeah, that sounds like classic dissociation. In fact, if you apply the BASK model to its logical ends, you could argue that even PTSD is a form of dissociation. Because of the thorough dissociation, it seems most women don't wake up to their sordid past abuse until they hit the menopause-ish age. Something in the hormone fluctuation pokes holes in those amnesia walls, I guess. I'm pretty young to be figuring this shit out for myself, but I'm still amazed at the years I spent completely oblivious to the abuse - from childhood to just a few months ago. Most of my memories are still buried, but bits are coming back. I have DID, and I think some of my inside parts are feeling now is the time to put a stop to it, so they're trying to clue me in on what has really been going on. Maybe that's what's going on with you. Maybe not. But really, I can imagine what it's like to not be able to identify my abusers while it's going on. Family, boyfriends, church people, and possibly others I haven't figured out yet. It kind of freaks you out, doesn't it?

I want to encourage you not to give up in figuring this shit out. Don't forget that these bastard fucks could have placed a few "screen memories" in place (through hypnotic suggestion) to cover up reality. So, when you start to put pieces together, don't be afraid to move those pieces around and reassemble them at a later date. (This is something I'm still working on, too).

You'll get through this. And hopefully, one day, you can bring your abusers to justice. That's my ultimate goal, anyway.


On a side note, somebody suggested the movie Girl with the Dragon Tattoo to me on my MK Ultra thread back in August. It did give me some of that, "fuck yeah, get 'em back!" high, but it also triggered an alter pretty hardcore. Nothing bad happened, it was just weird to switch like that lol So, I guess I recommend it with caution ;)