I'm a little teapot

Sometimes I see myself sending out signals (symbols, code words, whatever you see them as) and I always make an excuse for why they are there like "Oh, I posted that there because I thought it was cute". But isn't that just a reporting function? Like sending out a "yes I'm here and in this part of the process" message?

Bleh, it's all just nuts but not acknowledging it isn't exactly healthy either.

Are you sending out these signals, to gauge peoples responses?

I guess I'm sending them out to the people that can interpret them. Always have, like I was compelled to even though I honestly cannot stand communicating with those people and don't otherwise when it can be at all avoided. I don't really see them as human enough to have an interesting or emotion based response. No one else is really going to understand what a silly random symbol means so it's not for shock value or a testing ground for reaction.

It's almost like the compulsion from excitement a kid gets when they discover what picture is on the side of a block and they have to show the grow-ups, no matter how worthless and unresponsive those particular grown-ups might be.

It's like..ohhh I figured you out in this part, and I'm going to post this big shiny apple with a triangle cut out because I know that your computer lab was in the park shaped like a triangle.

(But of course when I post it I'll put a disclaimer about "Oh isn't this the cutest shiniest apple you've ever seen, it reminds me of pie" or some such other garbage to explain it away even though it was so random that it probably didn't even need an explanation to begin with.)

Sounds like you are challenging them to respond.....Like I dare you to acknowledge what I just showed you. lol

Possibly. I'm more worried about the compulsion to do so though. I shouldn't feel compelled to do a damn thing, especially when every other bit of me knows its a stupid idea to jump up and down saying "Hey, I'm right here standing in this exact position, would you like me to draw an x on my forehead while I'm at it or maybe I can just blockade myself from the next step for you since you know exactly how far I am in?"

Are you sure you are not looking for a confrontation of sorts. Maybe to bring all this to ahead. After all the years of quietly living it. You just may want a blowout.

There is no blow-out though? I've been fighting on and off my whole life, this isn't exactly new, other than the fact I now have a program name that seems to fit a bit too well.

There are certain things, no matter how I try, that just don't end.

I pushed the things as wide open as I could in public (not talking glp) without resorting to mass media and one worker bothered to publicly disclose their previously covert job title. Talk about fucking anticlimactic. Yeah, it's nice to have it confirmed, but it's not exactly an apology and my life back, is it?

Issssssh you dont really know how the "elite" mind works dont you? They do that kind of thing all day, all night... JONHNNY LA GENTE ESTÁ MUY LOCA TANANANATATATAATA TAN TAN

Read Sade and Easton Ellis to begin understanding how those sickfucks that rule the world are really. Those two authors are a good addition stacked with all the Illuminati, Skull and Bones, Beatles and Crowley etc info and you will get a clearer picture. Yes they do that kind of thing! Dark Kabbalah, Sex Magick and all that fucking muck its all real but too horrible to accept.

All this MK Ultra stuff its a morbid topic and I stay away from it. Some people get like obsessed and its really a subject of which its better to know nothing except that yes they do that kind of things, continously.

My respect and support for any victim overcoming anything related. I too carry a long story of abuses of various types. In my opinion the worst abuse its the one we do to ourselves.

No.....You will never get back a childhood you deserved/wanted. But, you can make your future life what you want. Its up to you. To hell with everyone else. I think theirs a song about this somewhere :)

You know their are somethings in my childhood I wished I didn't have to experience. Nothing I can do about it. Only learn.

Last Edited by Blue Skies on 10/16/2012 12:59 PM

If only it ended it childhood.
Ah well.
My future's shared by arseholes that have claimed a stake in it despite being told to fuck off.

It's really not that simple. Sure, you can choose not to be a victim, and then certain kinds of cognitions will dissipate and become easier to deal with. But when it comes to hardcore mind control, it's a lot more complicated. I am not saying that a person can't dig themselves out, and I refuse to believe that there's no escape for someone like OP, but it's a long, hard, gruesome journey. It takes some survivors years before they can fully cut ties with their handlers and finally stop the abuse. Years. Part of the difficulty is identifying the handlers and abusers, behaviors that suck you in, and various other "triggers."

When a mind is split, amnesia walls are built, thus many people under mind control have no idea about it. She's already on the right path. She's broken through some of the first walls in recognizing something is wrong, and has been since childhood. The next steps are more elusive, much trickier, and frankly, dangerous. Simply willing the abusers away won't cut it. But oh, if it did. If only it did... *sigh*

^ That's how I feel about the slavers. lulz

Doesn't help when I still like someone that's quite capable of using me. But Christ, when you can't escape you can at least pick the nicest one, right? Bleh.

I was looking at that "how to create a MC slave" book the other day..the Cisco Wheeler and Fritz one. I could swear I've seen Fritz quite a few times over the years. That face is hard to forget. And he's supposed to be the "saviour" or whatever, right? I don't think so, he's one of us. I know my own kind. But it makes me realise that when we seek out safety from something so strange, sometimes that safety has to have some of the same signatures as the mess, because who else could ever possibly understand. It does make it difficult to truly break free, especially when we're reminded that the world we'd be breaking free into is just a larger Petri dish.

I may be rambling.

want to get a drink sometime? just me and you? I will leave my friends behind.

As long as your ship isn't parked in the US.
The only way I'm coming to that land is in chains.

to us, it is all the same. frequencies are not localized, only in your thoughts do such places exist.

I still hate that one (the US), even if it's the same as the rest.
I guess in some ways I'm like the little kid that got stuck with a needle in one room at the doctors office but is still quite happy to go wandering into any other examination room along the hall (just not that one).

There's a freaking seminar??
I'll have to check out the video.


update:
I've decided they're insane even by my standards lol.

Thanks

You didn't miss much with school.
In the end I ended up railroaded into a credential to fit my training and not what I wanted from life. It's just an absolute waste of paper.

I got to looking through videos thanks to the one above, and this guy (not the first 10 minutes or so of the vid with the bald guy, but the interview after him starting at 10 minutes in), this one resonates (other than the assassin bit):

Not bad just sad, How could someone understand without experiences, They can't and don't want to understand so I just deleted my post.

I'm sorry :(
I suppose everything's hard to believe if a person has no way to measure what's beyond a very dull life. I try to keep an open mind but even I turned off when listening to the video from the super soldiers link someone posted. I turned off because the guy started talking about out of body experiences where the person's soul was sent into a lab grown baby. There are just places the mind has trouble travelling. I've witnessed some pretty strange stuff, I've dissociated my way out of my body more times than I can count...but the idea of combining the two...I can't even easily accept it.

I'm actually feeling okay about things this morning. Who knows how long that will last.

I was watching the video of some guy last night and he was going on and on about being an assassin, etc, etc. And while I know I went to enough military training camps, it doesn't really mesh with what I've felt about things. Same goes for the monarchs that go on and on about being sex toys, yeah I've had the training to some extent and I'm a masochist, but other than bit roles here and there it doesn't seem to be the focal point of my existence either.

12/22 edit to delete data

While not ideal, it's a bit more soothing of a thought than full time assassin hooker, now isn't it? It actually sort of resonates with a lot of what I am, how I think, what I enjoy, etcetera (not that I intend to work in the field as I feel too compromised for that, but just that it matches me on a personal level). I've always struggled with the concept of should I fight what I am if it was constructed by people I don't trust, yet still I can't exactly erase all of who I am either. We are all products of our upbringing and environments. And, from past experience, I know that erasing everything and starting over doesn't really work in the long run. It's hard to draw lines in the sand when the beach is constantly being eroded and redeposited with sand by the constant struggle that is the system and people that we live among.

Watched the video.....Ive seen a couple of others who claim to be supers soldiers.
I noticed the most important thing for him to get out. Was that this was a nazi based program. He was very hard to interview in the beginning because he had to say this speech. Whether this was done on his own or it was forced/programed. I dunno. Definitely had to get it out. He couldn't continue until he had.
The other is his, not remembering faces. Which I believe you had mentioned Light. That I presume is to protect himself. What you don't see/remember can't come back to haunt you. Remember the eyes are the window to the soul. Who would want to remember the look on someones face.....I'm sure its easier to not connect with anyone, even in general. That way you don't start feeling anything for them.
As for the soldier and alien part.....Who knows.

On an end note. Wouldn't surprise me if it was true.....Or if this was an elaborate disinformation scheme.

Yeah, the alien bit I chose to selectively ignore. It's not that I don't believe that outsiders can exist, I'm just not ready to hear weird stories about them.

But the first half...Jesus. So much stuff was similar to my experience that it was creepy.
Stuff like:

a) We're from the same year essentially.

b) He too isn't sure of his age (notice he says "4 or 5" "8 or 9" etc a lot. I do that too because my actual age and the age on my birth certificate are a year apart roughly.

c) One of my earliest memories is of being kidnapped from a facility (I call it a research hospital), which I could never fully understand, because I still grew up in similar stuff, so I wasn't exactly being saved apparently? But he has the same story of being kidnapped from one facility only to end up being raised by people still involved in it...he blames it on factions fighting...sounds as plausible as anything.

d) The blurring out faces. I was taught to do that. You said he mentioned that too?

e) The being raised by a family involved in alphabet agency stuff and inventing for military/alphabet agency stuff. If you change "step dad" in his story to "grandfather" in mine, and MI5/6 to CIA, we've got a match.

f) This is just silly, but one of his stories ends in "and I found myself half a mile away on the beach not sure of how I got there". Those are the EXACT words from one of my stories (but without the assassin part).

g) International abduction/travel as a small child.

And other little things. It's damn near creepy.

face blindness,aka as prosopagnosia,can be result of acute brain damage,but a congenital form of disorder has been proposed and maybe inherited by about 2.5% of population.

It's selective in my case.
If I believe that I'm not supposed to know someone's identity, I blur my vision when I look at their face.
I'm quite capable of seeing non-important people's faces clearly.