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Alcholic In-Law Ruined My Marriage
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Original Message
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My Father-In-Law is an alcoholic. I married my wife 18 years ago and since that time, especially when we started having kids, he has accumulated quite a list of alcohol-induced bad behavior. It has caused arguments between my wife and I over the years but we were always able to get through each one.
I love my wife with all of my heart. I can't imagine a future not shared with her. She has become a part of me. I think it's so stupid the Jerry McGuire thing - "You Complete Me". But I'm comfortable enough in my manhood to admit that I really, truly know what that means. I understand and that is exactly how I feel about my wife.
The last incident occurred about a year and a half ago. My kids were sleeping over at their house and long story short: He physically hurt my 8 year old. He verbally assaulted my boy using words you'd likely not hear in a bar...Very vile. He threatened to lock him in the crawl space for the night...He hurt him. My MIL was home and heard the whole thing yet she never thought to call us and tell us to come get them. We live no more than five minutes away. There's a lot more details and history and although relevant, not important right now.
After the incident my kids went to counseling for about 6 months. We all did actually. My 8 year old kept having nightmares about Grandpa chasing him with a knife and stuff like that. My wife and I agreed neither grandparent would have the right to see our boys ever again. This was the final straw, etc.
Throughout counseling my wife and I eventually landed on the idea of letting them have a chance at getting back into the kids life if they met certain conditions. We decided that if my FIL attended AA and accumulated 1 year of sobriety which could be verified by a sponsor or something, and my MIL attended 1 year of meetings, they'd be able to slowly be a part of their lives - watch them grow up.
It's been 18 months and neither have taken any steps. The best my FIL will offer is that he won't drink when the boys are around. They have begun calling our house, which was one of the things they are not allowed to do in case the boys answer. I should mention that I haven't had contact with either of them since this happened. Except for a very threatening phone call on my part when I learned what happened. But my wife has. She visits them probably once a month. Well, now she is feeling guilty about the whole thing. Her siblings and mother are now focusing on me and not the FIL who caused all this. They are telling my wife she cant be happy because I am the one causing stress in their family ( Not attending parties when they are there, etc.) I think my wife is carrying some guilt about keeping the kids from her father too. It's subtle but i can tell.
Quite honestly, Im afraid that if I saw him, there would be a good chance I would hit him. Maybe even kill the guy. He hurt my kids. I can't find any place in my heart or soul to forgive that. I just can't.
Where I'm at now:
I don't want them involved in my, or my kids life, ever again. I don't want to hear about them and I don't want to know what is going on in their life. I have put up with this for 18 years and have nothing left for them. The thing is that now, when I make love to my wife, I'll see her Mothers likeness for a split second. When she laughs, I'll see the resemblance she has to her father. When she displays habits (like always being late) that they are famous for, it is a huge turnoff. When she does anything really, I somehow tend to connect her to them. I even feel anger towards her even though I know none of this is her fault. I am slowly starting to feel like I can't be in the same room with her because all I can think about is her family and what happened.
My heart is broken because I feel the only way I'll be able to rid myself of her family is to rid myself of her. That means living an 'incomplete' life. That means causing my kids, who have already been hurt, more hurt. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I have to leave her. My soul feels crushed. I love her...I love my family. I love that she is the mom to my boys.
I really feel like its too late.
In closing, I guess I just needed to say this all out loud. I know some will make fun, some will laugh, some will offer advice, and most won't read. This was therapy for me and that is all...
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