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Why do our first loves seem to be so much more real than the rest?
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[quote:Anonymous Coward 28891989:MV8yMDcxNDg3XzM0ODYyODM3X0Q2M0FBMDk3] [quote:Lada D:MV8yMDcxNDg3XzM0ODYyNzY5XzQ3QTkzRUU4] [quote:Anonymous Coward 28891989:MV8yMDcxNDg3XzM0ODYyNjg3XzNGNTA1NDU2] [quote:Lada D:MV8yMDcxNDg3XzM0ODYyNjI3X0M1QkZCQ0RD] Reconnecting is so therapeutic, even if it does nothing else but completly destroy the spell a person had/has on you. I've reconnected with a couple of lost loves, and one is like "Okay, I can see why this didn't last..." and one turns out to be a solid friend vibe...both shut down that little question mark in the back of my brain/heart and a small bit of clarity in my life's narrative is gained. [/quote] I recently had this with an X that I broke up with back in the early 2000s. I had no interest in contacting her but she added me on Facebook and wanted to call me. We talked for a few hours and I realized that I had absolutely nothing unsettled with her. She was obviously still a bit hung up on me so I said everything I could think of to say that would give her some sort of peace; like that I obviously wasn't the right guy for her. We made some posts back and forth on Facebook less than a dozen times and I haven't heard from her in a few years. I assume she eventually found someone that was better for her than I was. [/quote] I like those conversations...they always start out with many !!!!! and by the end it's ... [/quote] Yup, definitely more therapeutic for her than for me. She even mentioned some intimate things on the phone right after I told her that I'm married now which was a bit uncomfortable. The way I figured it though is that if I can't get the closure I need from someone then at least I can give someone else the closure that they need. You are very right though, by the end of the telephone conversation there really wasn't much more to say. Sure, I said call me again whenever, but it didn't happen and I'm cool with that. [/quote]
Original Message
When I was 17 I met the girl of my dreams. I came over to a friend's house and my eyes were immediately drawn to a girl who I thought was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Before that I never put much stock into the whole "love at first sight" thing but when I saw her it changed my life. I fell so deeply in love that I knew I would be with her for the rest of my life; and if it was left to my choice alone I still would be. I had my whole life planned out with Pauline and by the time I was 19 we had gotten engaged and moved in together. I was the happiest I had been in my whole life and looking back it was still the best times of my life.
As everyone knows life is full of problems and my 19 year old intellect just really wasn't ready to deal with it all. We both came from broken homes and we were doing the best as we knew how. If I would have known how to be a better person I would have done my absolute best to be a better man for her. I was always willing to work things out and stay together but eventually she decided to part ways. I took it about as hard as a person can take it and I saw my world fall apart in the blink of an eye. I very seriously contemplated suicide but I ground things out and moved 800 miles away to try to fix the pain. We never talked again, and not for a lack of trying on my end. Now, I'm 32 and I still think about her everyday even though I am happily married and am very in love with my wife. As much as I try I just can't get fully over the entire situation and often wake up from nightmares involving Pauline. For years I was so mad at her but I have gotten to the point that I don't blame her for anything anymore and pretty much shoulder the blame alone. More than anything I just wish I could tell her that I'm sorry and that I would do anything to make up for fucking up one of the best things I ever had. No matter how much I try to "get over it" I just can't seem to do it. It is still a pretty major source of depression for me at this point in my life. Nobody I ever met drew me in to the same affect that she did and I feel that we were soul mates who just couldn't find a way to make things work.
Why so often does it seem that so many people look back at the first time that they fell in love like this and never seem to be able to totally clear from their head? It's not even that I want her back as much as I so desperately wish I could go back to that point in my life and live there forever. Life has been hard and I know too much and I wish I could just go back to being a stupid 19 year old again with my first love. I have fallen in love several times in my life but she always sticks out the most. I used to wish that I could just stop feeling but I know that there is no way to do that, I have always been a sensitive guy. What is it about truly falling in love for the first time that does this to us?
I always hate when people say "live with no regrets," because if I had it all again I would change it all. Life would be so much easier if we could live it backwards because the best times seem to be when you hardly know a thing about life and then by the time that you do, you are so bitter and burnt out that you wish you didn't know and feel so much.
The naive must be the most happiest people on the planet...
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