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Subject Why do our first loves seem to be so much more real than the rest?

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Original Message When I was 17 I met the girl of my dreams. I came over to a friend's house and my eyes were immediately drawn to a girl who I thought was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Before that I never put much stock into the whole "love at first sight" thing but when I saw her it changed my life. I fell so deeply in love that I knew I would be with her for the rest of my life; and if it was left to my choice alone I still would be. I had my whole life planned out with Pauline and by the time I was 19 we had gotten engaged and moved in together. I was the happiest I had been in my whole life and looking back it was still the best times of my life.

As everyone knows life is full of problems and my 19 year old intellect just really wasn't ready to deal with it all. We both came from broken homes and we were doing the best as we knew how. If I would have known how to be a better person I would have done my absolute best to be a better man for her. I was always willing to work things out and stay together but eventually she decided to part ways. I took it about as hard as a person can take it and I saw my world fall apart in the blink of an eye. I very seriously contemplated suicide but I ground things out and moved 800 miles away to try to fix the pain. We never talked again, and not for a lack of trying on my end. Now, I'm 32 and I still think about her everyday even though I am happily married and am very in love with my wife. As much as I try I just can't get fully over the entire situation and often wake up from nightmares involving Pauline. For years I was so mad at her but I have gotten to the point that I don't blame her for anything anymore and pretty much shoulder the blame alone. More than anything I just wish I could tell her that I'm sorry and that I would do anything to make up for fucking up one of the best things I ever had. No matter how much I try to "get over it" I just can't seem to do it. It is still a pretty major source of depression for me at this point in my life. Nobody I ever met drew me in to the same affect that she did and I feel that we were soul mates who just couldn't find a way to make things work.

Why so often does it seem that so many people look back at the first time that they fell in love like this and never seem to be able to totally clear from their head? It's not even that I want her back as much as I so desperately wish I could go back to that point in my life and live there forever. Life has been hard and I know too much and I wish I could just go back to being a stupid 19 year old again with my first love. I have fallen in love several times in my life but she always sticks out the most. I used to wish that I could just stop feeling but I know that there is no way to do that, I have always been a sensitive guy. What is it about truly falling in love for the first time that does this to us?

I always hate when people say "live with no regrets," because if I had it all again I would change it all. Life would be so much easier if we could live it backwards because the best times seem to be when you hardly know a thing about life and then by the time that you do, you are so bitter and burnt out that you wish you didn't know and feel so much.

The naive must be the most happiest people on the planet...

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