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27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Ms Sans Serif
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[quote:warrior poet:MV8yMTEwNzI0XzM1NTg0MTUzX0VBQzc3OUZD] [quote:Anonymous Coward 32039162:MV8yMTEwNzI0XzM1NTgzOTQyXzE3MUYxMTJB] i have known a few people who have ended their lives,i too grew up in a very abusive family and i have had my share of problems from it, i tried to end it in the mid 80,s and wound up in the hospital for a couple days . it isnt worth it it WILL get better , life sucks alot especially these days but i just grit my teeth and keep plugging away. too anyone out there comtemplating suicide i say DONT, give time her chance, and find someone whom you can share your life with . people who have weathered a stormy past are beacons of hope to those who are NOW experiencing it for themselves. peace [/quote] At one point in my late 20s, I found myself on the street - homeless. I suffer with Post Truamatic Stress Disorder and still the bouts of depression, making keeping a job difficult at times. After looking at my life over the last two decades I understand somethings about suicide and life. One of the fears...you may actually try it again. Every failed attempt supposedly raises odds of future attempts by 40x. I broke a sacred trust when I pulled the trigger. My own brain wouldn't trust me. I think when I was battling to stay alive, *if* I lived...never again. My brain built a safe vale type switch inside of me. It always monitors my life. When my life started to get overwhelmed it shuts down. The season when I was homeless...my wife had just had an affair. I was working fulltime and going to college full time. I was devestated by the affair, unable to sleep, concentrate and worried I may turn to my drug of choice, suicide. I didn it once before, and I had desentyzed myself to the fear of it. So I started yanking irons out of the fire. Quit college, quit work, everything. I paid a price for it. I slept for two years. I worked as a bouncer at night and slept during the day but I was alive. LIfe got better. I picked up the pieces and started over. This year, I lost my job due to the economy. My family and I are struggling but I continue to count blessings. Take one day at a time and tell the beast I fought...life is worth living. If I have to live under a bridge, so be it. I'll never give up. I'll never quit again. On Friday, one of my friends called me up and asked if I wanted to work with him. I have a job waiting for me in Feb. My wife and I downsized our home to save in housing cost, life always does get better. No storm rages forever. They always have a beginning, middle and an end. After the round went off...that voice whispered in my ear, "Name a reason to live..." I frantically thought ove my sixteen years of life and heard and felt a wrinkle in time. I heard the sound of a child playing/laughing....I said, "I want to be a dad..." It said, "That's a good reason, crawl now!" When I was homeless and the beast came kicking at my feet and it said, "What's the use of going on?" I remembered back to that day in the woods and told it, "I have a reason to live...get away from me." [/quote]
Twenty seven years ago, at age 16. I took the end of a rifle and put it 1 inch from my heart and pulled the trigger.
Here on Jan 24th I will celebrate my 27th life anniversary.
I used to have a F/B account and wanted to acknowledge my upcoming anniversary but I discontinued my account two weeks ago (don't miss it). I started a suicide prevention page last year, I do miss the page but I left some admins behind to run it for me.
I suffered/suffer with debilitating bouts of depression. I grew up in an abusive home. On occasion I was hit until I bled and was blamed that the beatings...were my fault. I lived in fear for my life from the abuser. One night, when I was 14...the man stopped a truck in the middle of dark reasonably busy road. He turned out the lights on a blind curve, to yell at me for several minutes. I had a chainsaw swung at my head one afternoon. Locked in a bare room for days on end...it goes on. I tried for 7 months to reach out for help. I demonstrated many of the classic signs and symptoms of a suicidal person: I gave things away. I talked about no future...was obsessed with death. Cuts, bruises started to show up on my body. I even read an entry in an encyclopedia entry on suicide to see what I should be doing.
I finally gave into to suicide in June 1985. I made attempts at suicide from June to Jan. or "shows of suicide"... I made a pact with myself. I decided that between Jan 1- May 30...in 1986 I would shoot myself. I reached the resolution phase. The abuse at home was always bad over summer. I was safe in school or in public. The abuser was a high ranking police official. Because, i knew I was going to be dead I had no need for grades or school....my semester collapsed. Classes I typically maintained a passing grade...collapsed to failures. (Another sign something was wrong). I enjoyed my last Christmas. To this day Bruce Springstein's "Santa is Coming to Town" causes PTSD flashbacks. The song was played all the time on the radio a month before I shot myself.
On Jan 23, I brought home the worst grades ever. My step mother happened to catch a look at my brothers grades before mine. His grades weren't bad, but he had seen what happened to me growing up and he was afraid. My step mother warned me, "For your sake...your grades had better be better than this or I wouldn't put it past your father to hurt you."
I had my plan in place. I lied to her. I told her my grades were actually very good and I would have them for her on Monday. They were in my pocket. My exact thought..."It's time" My father got home and bought the lie as well. He gave me a very long list of chores to do for the next day. This list...like the report cards sealed my fate for the next day.
The next day Jan. 24th I got home from school. I set my plan into motion. I snuck a .22
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