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Subject Citing Exhaustion, Kim Jong-un to Stop Threatening World on Weekends
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Original Message Citing Exhaustion, Kim Jong-un to Stop Threatening World on Weekends

PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that he could “no longer keep up the punishing pace of sabre rattling seven days a week,” North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un said today that beginning this month he will take weekends off from vowing to incinerate the world.

After the official Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) released a revised April Threat Schedule showing that Kim’s declarations of war and doomsday ultimatums would be limited to Monday through Friday, North Korea’s Supreme Leader explained his decision to make his weekends threat-free: “Dad always told me that you have to pace yourself in this job. The biggest danger isn’t the United States—it’s burnout.”

Kim said that he made his decision over the past weekend, after he issued his forty-ninth official statement threatening to engulf the mainland U.S. in a nuclear Armageddon: “I was in the middle of saying ‘infernal sea of fire,’ and I kind of realized, hey, I’m just phoning it in. And I never want to be that guy.”

[link to www.newyorker.com]
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