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Subject Your Last Ever Supermarket Shopping Spree
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Original Message OK here's the scene. Early one weekend morning your wife/girlfriend is driving you home, totally spaced out after a good all nighter. Suddenly the hard rock band is replaced by what sounds like amateur night on GLP radio, with excited talk of massive artillery bombardments and surprise infantry attacks throughout the Middle East. You switch it off because it is so obviously stupid fucking college kids messing around with their dads ham radio equipment, trying to wind people up. Half a minute later, to your surprise the silly bitch suddenly pulls into a gas station and announces that she is going to top up the tank, even though you still have a 1/4 tank of gas left, which will comfortably last you until next pay-day. Obviously she got suckered in by that stupid radio hoax. You mutter something about H.G. Wells and the War of the Worlds radio show, but you know from experience that there is no arguing with her when she gets one of her sudden whims, so you leave it at that. With the last of her money she sensibly buys a hotdog and cup of coffee and helps herself to five or six hundred of those little packets of creamer, sugar, ketchup and other stuff.

While she's in there powdering her *%@#& nose a massive hairy biker type suddenly thrusts his head and fist in through the passenger window and threatens to make interesting sculptural rearrangements to your face if you don't move your shittey little Ford Fiesta from in front of the gas pump…pronto. Fortunately for you she gets back in time to rescue you from your predicament, even if the @*&#% selfish bitch only bought a cup of coffee and a hotdog for herself. You look back as she exits the gas station and to your surprise there is chaos behind you. A couple of homies in a low rider slipped into your just vacated space, before the hairy biker type could move his SUV and he's breaking out his riot gun, while they are searching under the seats for their handguns. There's about a dozen other vehicles behind them and some ding-dong in a big truck is pushing an old ladies Cadillac away from a pump on the other island. The gas line in the Cadillac gets stuck, stretches, then breaks, spilling fuel all over the place and the scene gets cut off by a bend in the road, just as it was starting to get interesting.

Reality quickly sets in and you frantically start hopping from station to station on the radio. While she gets all snotty with you and tells you that, "you would know all this if you weren't always going round in a #*&%@ drugged out coma". Then she cruelly twists the knife in the wound by saying that you acted like a useless wimp in front of that hairy biker type. A few hundred yards ahead you idly notice that the local budget priced supermarket is just opening up for the day and already there is a line forming in front of the ATM. "Not that it matters because all of our cards are maxed out anyway", you think gloomily.

But Alleluia! Glory Be! You suddenly realise that here is your chance to redeem yourself in the eyes of your better half. Because you still have that $300 (£150 UK) in your wallet that you definitely promised to give to your landlord, to pay off some of your rent arrears…because he never turned up before you both left the house early yesterday evening!

The next time that you visit a supermarket you will either run the risk of being shot as a looter. Or have to make your way past pimply faced youths in National Guard uniforms, on the one day a week that you have been allocated to do your rationed weekly shopping. So what are you going to do. Lay in a pile of cheap booze n' chips n' dip to Surf the Apocalypse? Or use this last chance that you will ever get, to stock up wisely?
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