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Married/single/married-single
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Original Message
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My wife and I have been married for 20 years, right out of HighSchool. We have known eachother since the age of 4 and are now just hitting 40.
The question I have been pondering for some time now is how does one find their own Identity in such a case.
See, in your early years you try to be like your folks, even marry if your folks married maybe even have kids (we didn't) like your folks. Then you hit the 40's and come to find your a carbon copy of the combination of not only your folks but your spouse as well. This, I believe, is because we are all taught to "please" someone else.
So you hit a point where you realize you did not develop your own identity (due to early marriage) and you tire of the life of your parents +/- a few of your spouses charactor traits.
Most often folks split up and go their own ways, but what if you truly love your spouse, but realize that you like to live differently (either lifestyle or one wants friends around the house and the other does not). In my case I am a 1 lifepath much different than my wife who is an 8. Compromise is one thing, and good for the mariage unit, but often leads to missed expectations and blame (yourself or the other) for your personal goals not being met.
Also, there is a tendancy to isolate as a couple and one day you find you have very few joint friendships (different tastes). So, where do / have some of you gone from here?
In our case, we have thought about adding a 3rd energy to our relationship (not sexual) as a catalyst of sorts. No kids, but an adult, most likely single. The reason fo rthis is that we not only knew eachother for many years, but growing up across the street from eachother means we had a very simular upbringing. But one of us got out like a social butterfly and the other did not and one had lots of experiences in their youth where the other was a home body.
For the first 10 years or so this is / was not an issue but as time goes on it does seem to become a problem even with lots of compromises. Some times in the compromises one wins out, usually the lady, due to training of the "old ways" of both of our parents.
Has anyone delt with such an issue in a non typical way?
We are both quite progressive and both have many interests that are shall we say, out of the norm.
Ideas would be appreciated.
-JD
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