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Original Message
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I am a married man.
Yes, I have children.
I have been married for nearly 10 years.
If you read the advice in books, online, even here at GLP, you will see the common trend is that the problems in marriage are due to the man. He became a slob. He doesn't help around the house. He's a child. Etc.
The truth is that 50% of humans on this planet are women and the honest fact is that while many intelligent, thinking and honest women see the problems for what they are, the majority, the rest, won't. We know this because of the truth about marriage.
And having children.
So here's the deal. Here's what you won't hear or read.
The honest truth is that marriage is hell. There are a few good marriages, but almost always one of the partners suffers. Sometimes it's the woman. Sometimes it's the man. One of the partners will be happy, the other will be making do with what they have, getting by, putting up with the situation.
There is more to it though. It's to do with the fact that marriage does not fit either male nor female biology or psychology. Women, do need the security of a permanent relationship. They need a nest because yes, women become mothers. It's that simple. Forget feminism and political correctness, it's that simple.
Men need sex. Men are driven to plant their seed and are driven to fulfill their sexual needs.
Women may like sex. Women can enjoy sex. But women are not driven by sex to the degree that men are. Yes, there is a sex drive in women, but it's very far removed from the intensity of the male sex drive. And here is the key: In women, sex is linked to many other things in their lives. Sex is a part of acquiring the nest. Sex is a part of winning the male. So single women have a far greater sex drive than women who are secure in a relationship.
And this is where marriage screws men. The social security and comfort of marriage provides the woman with what she needs. And her sex drive plummets. It will pick up again when she wants to fall pregnant, but then once that psychological need is fulfilled and she has a full nest, the sex drive all but disappears.
That's nature.
That's the way the women are.
It's the correct way for women to be because it's what made us the most successful species on the planet.
Men have a constant and consistent sex drive. The man quite rightly expects to maintain a sex life in marriage. If the truth be told, women use and men fall for sex as a part of the reason to get married. Without the sex part, the romance, marriage is nothing more than a close friendship. Sex is integral to the difference between a friendship and a relationship and as such, sex is integral to the reasons to get married.
However, while the woman settles into the comfortable married life, secure in her relationship, the men suddenly finds that the fox in the bedroom is now a bitch in the kitchen. Hot sex is swapped for taking out the garbage, sexy lingerie becomes track suit bottoms and "comfortable" clothes, carrying her to the bedroom becomes pleading a resentful wife for 5 minutes of open legs.
The truth is that while your desire for your hot little princess peaks, now that she's yours forever more, her goal of securing permanence with her prince has been achieved.
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need an opportunity to.
When married men talk honestly, very few are sexually fulfilled. Most resentfully work around not getting enough and a roving eye is quickly followed by guilt and regret. Many struggle valiantly to resist temptation and blame themselves for their desires. Women, the popular press and the "self help" books, not to mention the psychologists and councellors put equal "blame" on both men and women for this situation, construing all manner of reason why the man may have offended the woman into losing her libido.
But the truth is simply that it's the natural progression of a woman's sex drive. There is nothing wrong with her, nor did the man commit some terrible crimes against the female. The man simply retained his sex drive, she lost hers.
As nature dictates.
So what is wrong? Marriage is wrong. Marriage is a gaol for male libido. If men could be sexually fulfilled, so many problems would disappear. But to expect a wife with little to no sex drive to fulfill those needs is also unfair to her. It's against her nature.
The truth is that we are naturally predisposed to many women for each man. But in the modern world this is quite impossible given the equal numbers of men and women.
The trauma runs deeply.
I asked my wife the other day how often she thinks we have sex. That's easy, she said. At least once or twice a week. And so the pollsters get their information. By asking both men and women.
However, to be completely impartial, what she didn't know is that I had kept a sex diary. For the past 8 months I had recorded every time we did it. It wasn't a big diary.
I figured it was once every two or three months.
The truth is about once every 3 to 4 weeks. However, over a previous 3 year period I was able to work out that although that is the average, gaps of several months between sex are not unusual.
Yet my wife thinks that we do it several times a week. "Except recently", she added, clearly going back mentally over the past few months.
There are many reasons, of course, that women give for this impasse. Tiredness is the most popular. But of course, when she was still dating you, that was never an issue. Tired or not, she want you big boy.
The truth is that most women simply don't know why their sex drive dropped off, are alarmed by it and, humans being humans, they look for reasons other than themselves. And, of course, they think that your sex life is better than it really is, thereby denying part of the problem.
During their honest moments, most men admit to simply being resigned to their predicament. Children are so precious to their parents that they go a long way to compensating for the lack of sex. But that constant gnawing is there. The need is there. Day by day, night by night, that need for sex persists.
The men become resenttful, cranky and short tempered. The women respond, fight back, become tearful and insecure. This reduces the amount of sex, making the problems worse.
In the end, the only way that a marriage can survive is for the man to give up on sex entirely. The woman will never raise her game in a sustained manner because that requires constant motivation. It takes energy. So it's down to the man to work around his natural desires, instincts and experience of the world.
I.e. Marriage makes for very unhappy men. No-one is to blame. It's the rules of marriage itself that's wrong. Marriage is to blame. Marriage is an ill-fitting shoe for both pairs of feet.
The only real solution is for society to change the marriage rules. Marriage must be seen for what it is, and married men should be encouraged and advised to use professional sex workers. Having an affair is not an option. It's an emotional bond unfair on all three parties. What's in short supply is sex for men, not relationships or emotions.
Women who are sex workers have their motivation, their reason, for sex: Money. Therefore they can supply sex and thanks to th wonders of a woman's body, they can supply lots of it. They can supply enough for many men.
This is the only way to balance the needs of both sexes with the concept of marriage.
However, as this is unlikely to be achieved, the best solution for men is to understand fully what they give up when they marry. Everyone hopes and believes that they will be different, but the truth is that most failed marriages were started by two people who thought that their marriage was different.
It took us millions of years to evolve to where we are today. You simply cannot change human nature, the product of that long evolution. Neither should we need to.
The rules are at fault. Let's change to rules to fit our needs, rather than trying to change to fit the rules.
Until then, the truth is that married men are unhappy men.
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