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REPLY TO THREAD
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How do you fix a broken soul? PLEASE READ
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Original Message
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I could go on for days about what I've seen. But I'll try to make it as short as possible.
The girl I loved so much broke everything off in early March. I haven't been doing so well since, going through crazy depression and all. Suicide has run through my mind plenty times, but honestly I don't have the balls to pull it off, I love my family and don't want to hurt them, and the thought of everything just being "over" scares me.
Anyway, I figured since I'm so fucked up, why not try some drugs? Tried marijuana for the first time. It was alright. I decided to try some salvia again, though this time I went through the most profound, deep, spiritual experience I ever been through. Now I've smoked salvia in the past, and it's always been fun, though I've always longed to get some meaning out of life by smoking it. I was smoking 15x for some time, and never got really far so my friends and I decided to bump the dosage up to 20x. The increase in intensity was noticed instantly. Every time I smoked it I saw more and more, and I knew that eventually I was going to get somewhere.
The last hit I took transported me through what I would call "the maze of life". I finally reached the end of this maze, and what I found at the end was terrifying. At the end of this maze I found my soul, and in finding this I realized how the world we live in is so fake. It is JUST A GAME. There IS life after death. There are things that our mind/bodies CANNOT comprehend.
When this happened I was given an ultimatum: You must go, or you must stay, Kiko. My heart was pounding; it was dying on me. Somehow I knew that if I chose to go, my heart would have stopped and I would no longer be "here". My life flashed before my eyes, and I was forever changed. I felt like life was irrelevant. However I somehow chose to stay, I guess the fear got to me. Not knowing exactly what's on the other side. I am so afraid of there not being a "me" anymore.
REAL TRUTH is the scariest thing you'll ever experience. Hands down.
I tried to cope with it. There's a reason for everything. Life is something we're supposed to experience. Play the game. I tried to tell myself, logically, there was no reason to go now if I'm going to end up there eventually. It makes sense to me. However after this experience my mind/body/soul are struggling to stay here. My heart hurts all the time, kinda like when I was going through that experience. I feel this pressure in my chest, I feel like my heart has lost the will to go on. My body has this weird pulsating sensation, sort of like a numbness combined with an electrical current. I always feel like I'm "going". I can't focus, I can't eat well. The sight of food makes me sick. If I eat, I puke - straight up bile.
It got really bad last night so I checked myself into a local hospital. They ran all sorts of blood and urine tests. EKG came up just fine. I told the doctors about my experience, and they gave me a list of psychologists to make appointments with. I'm considering hypnotherapy.
In conclusion, I feel like my freakin soul is BROKEN. I feel like doctors will never find anything wrong with me, so I am scared to death about not being able to find a cure. Who best to ask then? You guys? Anyone ever been through something similar? Anyone have any words to make sense of things?
There's so much I have to say, but that's the gist(sp?) of it. Please don't tell me to kill myself guys. I wouldn't wish the same upon you. I know I might have in the past. I'm sorry. It may sound like bullshit, but I've learned to love myself and others. We are all one. You are my brothers and sisters. But I cannot shake this feeling of dying all the time.
Thank you.
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