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| Users Online Now: 1,946 (Who's On?) | Visitors Today: 1,120,917 | |
| Pageviews Today: 2,051,380 | Threads Today: 714 | Posts Today: 15,331 |
| 07:44 PM | ||
How Many Christians Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? | |
| Rev. Star Gazer Offer Upgrade  04/24/2005 09:37 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed. How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb? Change??? How many Neo-Orthodox does it take to change a bulb? No one knows. They canīt tell the difference between light and dark. How many TV Evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today. How many Independent Fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation. How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb? At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. They always use candles. How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb? One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted-all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. " How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? "Whatīs a light bulb?" How many Youth Pastors does it take to change a light bulb? Youth pastors arenīt around long enough for a light bulb to burn out. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? 109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Subcommittee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which Hardware Store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who, then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out. Author unknown ![]( [<a href="http://www.godlikeproductions.com/images/smilies/lmao.gif) link to www.godlikeproductions.com] alt=' '> ![]( [<a href="http://www.godlikeproductions.com/images/smilies/smiley_into_heart.gif) link to www.godlikeproductions.com] alt=' '> ![]( [<a href="http://www.godlikeproductions.com/images/smilies/Smiles_and_kisses.gif) link to www.godlikeproductions.com] alt=' '> link to www.godlikeproductions.com] alt=''>"The lunatic is on the grass The lunatic is on the grass Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs Got to keep the loonies on the path..." |
| malu (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Trac (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | One to screw it in and hundreds on Capital Hill to screw the American people with perpetual debt by signing the Beastīs Bankruptcy Bill. "The lunatic is on the grass The lunatic is on the grass Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs Got to keep the loonies on the path..." |
| BlueDolphin (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | SG, now youīve become a REV? does that stand for Reverend or Revved up? heheh! Seriously, are you? I mean, do you do consecrate weddings and such? If so, Beautiful ! Hey , but donīt forget that Hemp farm now... you can combine both activites and Bless the Fields! Power to you ~~ ~~ ~~   "The lunatic is on the grass The lunatic is on the grass Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs Got to keep the loonies on the path..." |
| Rev. Star Gazer (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | A little more church humor - it is Sunday after all.  **** Actual Entries In Church Bulletins **** **** Donīt let worry kill you -- let the church help. **** Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. **** Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. **** Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. **** Wednesday, the Ladiesī Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed", accompanied by the pastor. **** Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. **** A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. **** The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. **** The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. **** Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study. **** This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. **** For those of you who have children and donīt know it, we have a nursery downstairs. **** During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. **** The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. **** The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth With Joy". **** The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeareīs "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. **** This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. **** The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. **** At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. "The lunatic is on the grass The lunatic is on the grass Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs Got to keep the loonies on the path..." |
| Smitty (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| malu (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Rev. Star Gazer (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | I became an ordained Cannabis Sacrament Minister Blue! With the THC - Minisrty. And yes, I have the certificate and just need to file to legally marry within the state of Hawaii. "The lunatic is on the grass The lunatic is on the grass Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs Got to keep the loonies on the path..." |
| Anonymous Coward 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| malu (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| the Madman (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| zacksavage (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | "**** Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow." Probably a packed house on Thursday nights. This explains much.  Z "The lunatic is on the grass The lunatic is on the grass Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs Got to keep the loonies on the path..." |
| Rev. Star Gazer (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Next time someone asks you for a īlightī - respond, īI am the light, it is Flame which you speak.ī Hereīs some answers from a Catholic Elementary school test on Bible knowledge. 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAHīS WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS. 8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.. 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY  "The lunatic is on the grass The lunatic is on the grass Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs Got to keep the loonies on the path..." |
| malu (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| the Madman (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Anonymous Coward 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Gladariel (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Rev. Star Gazer (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation |  Madman! I assume then that youīll be wanting a good old fashioned Irish Wake follwed by a Hawaiian ocean funeral and a luau with fire dancers and a live band?"The lunatic is on the grass The lunatic is on the grass Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs Got to keep the loonies on the path..." |
| Anonymous Coward 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| zacksavage (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Rev. Star Gazer (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| the Madman (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Rev. Star Gazer (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | How can I be a Nazi? I havenīt even started on the Jewish jokes - yet! Well, since in a Hawaiian funeral, your ashes are carried out to sea in a goard - weīll just substitue a Viking ship for the canoe and the rocket launching you into space will ignite it as it drifts into the sunset. Hunter would be proud! Beautiful plan! Which band did you have in mind?  "The lunatic is on the grass The lunatic is on the grass Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs Got to keep the loonies on the path..." |
| the Madman (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| HIS Cassie (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Preacher John stood up before his flock one Sunday morning and said, well people I really like it here and all but me and my family have some problems and we will have to move on. our house is falling apart, we have no clothes and we have no food. Up pops a man who build houses, and he says Preacher John please donīt leave if you stay Iīll build you a new house, no charge. Then pops up another man who owns a clothing store, Preacher John if you stay iīll give you all the clothing you need, no charge. Then pops up a man who owns the local grocery, preacher if you stay Iīll give you all the free food you want, no charge. Then suddenly a woman pops up and says preacher if you stay iīll give you all the sex you want, everyone is shocked by what she says and she sits down. After the surrmon the preacher is greeting all the people as they leave the church and along comes the woman and her husband, the preacher pulls them aside and asks what did you mean by what you said, you really surprised everyone, the woman responds... well i saw all these people standing up and offering ways to help you so i asked my husband what we could do to help the preacher and he said f#@k em. "The lunatic is on the grass The lunatic is on the grass Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs Got to keep the loonies on the path..." |
| Anonymous Coward 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| the Madman (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Rev. Star Gazer (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Anonymous Coward 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Anonymous Coward 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Rev. Star Gazer (OP) 12/08/2005 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | True story - I once saw a catholic church and school in īthe hoodī in SF. - the church building was in need of repair and the school was getting ready to close due to lack of funds. The priestīs car was a black Mercedes with a bumper sticker that said "Jesus loves you but, he likes me better!" "The lunatic is on the grass The lunatic is on the grass Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs Got to keep the loonies on the path..." |
