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GLP Moms - Some advice please

 
CuriousGeorgette (OP)

User ID: 941761
United States
05/19/2010 06:03 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Sorry, I haven't had to deal with this situation with my kids -- lucky, I guess. OP -- a couple of questions for you. First, does your daughter have a job? Secondly, does she have any job specific training? It's a parent's job to make sure the kids can survive on their own. If she is still hanging onto others and mooching, well, you are feeling guilty because you feel you quit before your job was done. If she doesn't have a job or training, you might talk to her about her future plans and help her get enrolled in some type of training.
 Quoting: Faith


She graduated at 16, joined the military at 17, intentionally got booted out, got a very good job, was offered Free college... she has had every advantage. We all want to help our children succeed. She just feels, still, that because she is the Only girl in the family, she should be Allowed to live here forever and live off of dad. She was so disrespectful to him i couldn't deal with it... She is more than capable of surviving, she just doesn't Want to.
I want my Freakin' Rose-colored Glasses back...NOW !!!
CuriousGeorgette (OP)

User ID: 941761
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05/19/2010 06:06 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
I think it is perfectly natural - that you don't want your child to suffer or hurt. Very normal.


But, parenthood isn't easy - is it? Time to do the tough love thing.

Have you told her "You're an adult now. Act like one."

I know I come off as mean and cold - but she will never fly if you don't make her flap her own wings. If she self-destructs it is her decision. Her life to do with as she may.
 Quoting: Enaid


That's the part that is really hurting me. It's intentional.
I want my Freakin' Rose-colored Glasses back...NOW !!!
Redfern

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05/19/2010 06:07 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
I told my kids when they turn 18 they would have to be responsible for thier own expenses. I would not give them money for car payments, insurance, etc... and they would help us on bills an they have. I know not all kids are like this but if mine wanted to sit around and play the pitty me they would've not had gas money to go anywhere they could not go to the movies or anything else cause I would not give them money and if it got really bad I would have kicked them out but thank god I have great kids.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 773494
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05/19/2010 06:13 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Sorry, I haven't had to deal with this situation with my kids -- lucky, I guess. OP -- a couple of questions for you. First, does your daughter have a job? Secondly, does she have any job specific training? It's a parent's job to make sure the kids can survive on their own. If she is still hanging onto others and mooching, well, you are feeling guilty because you feel you quit before your job was done. If she doesn't have a job or training, you might talk to her about her future plans and help her get enrolled in some type of training.


She graduated at 16, joined the military at 17, intentionally got booted out, got a very good job, was offered Free college... she has had every advantage. We all want to help our children succeed. She just feels, still, that because she is the Only girl in the family, she should be Allowed to live here forever and live off of dad. She was so disrespectful to him i couldn't deal with it... She is more than capable of surviving, she just doesn't Want to.
 Quoting: CuriousGeorgette


Then it sounds like you did the right thing. But since you are still worrying about her, is there a compromise you could try? For instance, she can move back for a specific period of time (only if she has a job) in order to allow her to save for a rental unit deposit and couple of months of rent. But, you don't give her ANY cash or pay her car expenses, and if she leaves her things around, pick them up and toss them in the dumpster. Get it in writing. The thing that worries me is does she have any insurance? Car or health? This could be bad if she gets sick.
CuriousGeorgette (OP)

User ID: 941761
United States
05/19/2010 06:15 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
If SHE could change YOU, what do you think she would want you to be?
 Quoting: windsage4nli 971910


Specifically, her words. She wants me to become an independent Modern woman and stop being an 'animal' . She feels my subservience to my husband is disgusting...
I want my Freakin' Rose-colored Glasses back...NOW !!!
Aztec Cavalry

User ID: 719904
Mexico
05/19/2010 06:18 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Oh well, you all may know a lot about this. Just consider the opinions about changing minds that have been bouncing around this forum, crystalinks.com blog archive has a good store of them too. Souls are feeling they have to do extraordinary things lately, and they are following that, disregarding all normal worries.
Key to the ages: [link to z14.invisionfree.com]

Man must give birth to himself every day. -Gabriel García Márquez
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 906273
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05/19/2010 06:21 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
You are not alone. This helped me, 2 books, read:
Generation Me
The Second Family

You will think they were written about your child, I know I have one (son, 19) and my step daughter is 14 (just starting with her--not looking forward to it!)
CuriousGeorgette (OP)

User ID: 941761
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05/19/2010 06:22 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Then it sounds like you did the right thing. But since you are still worrying about her, is there a compromise you could try? For instance, she can move back for a specific period of time (only if she has a job) in order to allow her to save for a rental unit deposit and couple of months of rent. But, you don't give her ANY cash or pay her car expenses, and if she leaves her things around, pick them up and toss them in the dumpster. Get it in writing. The thing that worries me is does she have any insurance? Car or health? This could be bad if she gets sick.
 Quoting: Faith


We gave her this when she moved back home from the military. She was 18. We told her she had til she was 21 to save every paycheck for a good foundation to move out on her own with. We even gave her the downstairs set up as an efficiency apartment. By 23, she had quit every job, had 21 dollars in the bank, and didn't care what we felt.

She has no coverage. All the relatives have booted her out now, and she is getting kicked out of the place she has been staying now. I don't know where she'll go.
I want my Freakin' Rose-colored Glasses back...NOW !!!
Obama Must Go!

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05/19/2010 06:24 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Blow jobs for crack!
TwinSister

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05/19/2010 06:25 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Yes, I homeschooled all mine too. She is the youngest, and the only girl. She despises me and all I stand for. And all my marriage stands for. She treated her dad like a wallet, and me as a maid and entertainment center. She quit her part-time jobs after a few weeks and lived off of us. It got so bad, I left. I moved back home the day she moved out, and she sends me the most vicious, hurtful letters. I just worry... thanks everyone for the support. It's good to know I'm not alone in the 'tough love' dramas.



I think it is perfectly natural - that you don't want your child to suffer or hurt. Very normal.


But, parenthood isn't easy - is it? Time to do the tough love thing.

Have you told her "You're an adult now. Act like one."

I know I come off as mean and cold - but she will never fly if you don't make her flap her own wings. If she self-destructs it is her decision. Her life to do with as she may.
 Quoting: Enaid

bump
If you don't have control of your mind.....someone else will!
EarthMama

User ID: 957235
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05/19/2010 06:26 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Stay on track with what your are doing. I kicked my daughter out at age 19. It broke my heart but I understood that she was old enough to make her own decisions (and was making some bad ones despite my experienced input) and make her own mistakes.

If you do not provide the tough love, you are not doing your job. And you would not be doing her any favors if you 'take care of her'. She is old enough to make her own decisions and suffer the consequences of her actions. She will never learn if you keep bailing her out and taking care of her.

Do not break contact with her. Continue to advice her and let her know that you love her. But don't give in. Stay strong and know that you are doing the right thing.
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius, and a lot of courage, to move in the opposite direction. -- Albert Einstein

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. -- Albert Einstein

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe. -- Albert Einstein
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 773494
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05/19/2010 06:30 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
I told my kids when they turn 18 they would have to be responsible for thier own expenses. I would not give them money for car payments, insurance, etc... and they would help us on bills an they have. I know not all kids are like this but if mine wanted to sit around and play the pitty me they would've not had gas money to go anywhere they could not go to the movies or anything else cause I would not give them money and if it got really bad I would have kicked them out but thank god I have great kids.
 Quoting: Redfern


Wow! I'm impressed. My parents told me when I graduated at 17 to have a good life. I grew up on a farm and it was a very sheltered existence. I was not mature enough to take care of myself and had a lot of growing up to do that first year of college (which I paid for through scholarships, loans, and jobs). I have to tell you...I was a little bitter that the parents were financially situated so that they could have helped a little but didn't want to. Consequently, I have probably gone to the other extreme a bit too much with my own kids. Still, my daughter (23 years old) has a full ride to work on her doctorate (engineering) and the son is also in college (engineering) while working coop at a robotics firm. I don't think it's money or a lack of money which builds strong character. I think it's parents guiding the child with understanding and giving them an opportunity to find a means in which they can excel and feel good about themselves, but also letting them learn how to fail and solve those problems they encounter. It doesn't hurt kids to feel shame every now and again.
Anonymous Coward
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05/19/2010 06:31 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Then it sounds like you did the right thing. But since you are still worrying about her, is there a compromise you could try? For instance, she can move back for a specific period of time (only if she has a job) in order to allow her to save for a rental unit deposit and couple of months of rent. But, you don't give her ANY cash or pay her car expenses, and if she leaves her things around, pick them up and toss them in the dumpster. Get it in writing. The thing that worries me is does she have any insurance? Car or health? This could be bad if she gets sick.


We gave her this when she moved back home from the military. She was 18. We told her she had til she was 21 to save every paycheck for a good foundation to move out on her own with. We even gave her the downstairs set up as an efficiency apartment. By 23, she had quit every job, had 21 dollars in the bank, and didn't care what we felt.

She has no coverage. All the relatives have booted her out now, and she is getting kicked out of the place she has been staying now. I don't know where she'll go.
 Quoting: CuriousGeorgette


Is she on drugs or a closet drinker?
CuriousGeorgette (OP)

User ID: 941761
United States
05/19/2010 06:36 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Is she on drugs or a closet drinker?
 Quoting: Faith


No. Neither. She is just somewhat a hypochondriac. She is perfectly healthy and strong. Capable. Educated. Just simply expects us to take care of her, and I feel like we did our best. But her threats as of late, to intentionally put herself in harms way, bothers me. Greatly.
I want my Freakin' Rose-colored Glasses back...NOW !!!
Redfern

User ID: 662968
United States
05/19/2010 06:44 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Then it sounds like you did the right thing. But since you are still worrying about her, is there a compromise you could try? For instance, she can move back for a specific period of time (only if she has a job) in order to allow her to save for a rental unit deposit and couple of months of rent. But, you don't give her ANY cash or pay her car expenses, and if she leaves her things around, pick them up and toss them in the dumpster. Get it in writing. The thing that worries me is does she have any insurance? Car or health? This could be bad if she gets sick.


We gave her this when she moved back home from the military. She was 18. We told her she had til she was 21 to save every paycheck for a good foundation to move out on her own with. We even gave her the downstairs set up as an efficiency apartment. By 23, she had quit every job, had 21 dollars in the bank, and didn't care what we felt.

She has no coverage. All the relatives have booted her out now, and she is getting kicked out of the place she has been staying now. I don't know where she'll go.
 Quoting: CuriousGeorgette

Wow your a great mom you should not feel bad you did all you could do it's not your fault she failed. You have to be tuff hang in there an she will someday get the hang of growing up. My brother is 47 and has lived with my mom all his life she passed away so we took over. He is slow but does drive and can hold down a job if he would shut his mouth. i told him he could live with us forever but he needed to get a job and pay his own expenses our mom paid his expences his whole life and handed him money all the time. After 10 months he retained a lawyer and threw his clothes in his car and left. Then calls me to see if I moved out!!! Nope had to get a lawyer the house was put in my name by my mom way before she died. Now he has to live on the streets till he grows up. It's hard I am 5yrs younger then him and I have always protected him now I have to protect myself from him.
lapis lazuli
User ID: 925845
United States
05/19/2010 06:57 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Is she on drugs or a closet drinker?


No. Neither. She is just somewhat a hypochondriac. She is perfectly healthy and strong. Capable. Educated. Just simply expects us to take care of her, and I feel like we did our best. But her threats as of late, to intentionally put herself in harms way, bothers me. Greatly.
 Quoting: CuriousGeorgette


I smell bullshit. Her threat to harm herself is yet another attempt at manipulation. Don't fall for it. In fact, stand your ground.

Nobody as self-centered as the person you have described is truly going to harm themselves, why would they? They are the only person they truly care about

You've got to stop falling for all of her guilt tripping , her lies, and manipulations. Stop feeling sorry for her, stop feeling guilty about the whole situation, and stop feeling sorry for yourself to!

I had to laugh when you said that she thinks you are subservient to her father, and yet she feels perfectly fine mooching off of him for her whole life. Ha!

From now on I would just be happy and cheerful when you talk to her, if she starts giving you shit, hang up the phone. That's it

The more you feel guilty about this, the more she wins,

The more you are happy, the more she loses

the next one you call, just be happy. Totally fake it if you have to, doesn't matter. Be cheerful and happy from now on with her, never let her see that she is getting to you

This is what you need to do. Good luck to you ma'am!
lapis lazuli
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05/19/2010 07:06 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
by the way, your husband needs to grow a pair

Seriously, it sounds like you can't say no to his little princess
CuriousGeorgette (OP)

User ID: 941761
United States
05/19/2010 07:11 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
I smell bullshit. Her threat to harm herself is yet another attempt at manipulation. Don't fall for it. In fact, stand your ground.

Nobody as self-centered as the person you have described is truly going to harm themselves, why would they? They are the only person they truly care about

You've got to stop falling for all of her guilt tripping , her lies, and manipulations. Stop feeling sorry for her, stop feeling guilty about the whole situation, and stop feeling sorry for yourself to!

I had to laugh when you said that she thinks you are subservient to her father, and yet she feels perfectly fine mooching off of him for her whole life. Ha!

From now on I would just be happy and cheerful when you talk to her, if she starts giving you shit, hang up the phone. That's it

The more you feel guilty about this, the more she wins,

The more you are happy, the more she loses

the next one you call, just be happy. Totally fake it if you have to, doesn't matter. Be cheerful and happy from now on with her, never let her see that she is getting to you

This is what you need to do. Good luck to you ma'am!
 Quoting: lapis lazuli 925845


Exactly. I AM happy. I love my choices I've made for myself in life, and it really Does Piss her off ! The only time I feel down and miserable is when she throws her guilt at me. You are spot on about the description. It took me years to admit this to myself. Intentionally, or not, if she gets hurt, I just feel like it would be somewhat my fault. But, after seeing all you out here reconfirming my stance, I feel I'll be more secure in reckoning with it if it comes to that. I really appreciate the feedback ! Thank you all.
I want my Freakin' Rose-colored Glasses back...NOW !!!
CuriousGeorgette (OP)

User ID: 941761
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05/19/2010 07:15 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
by the way, your husband needs to grow a pair

Seriously, it sounds like you can't say no to his little princess
 Quoting: lapis lazuli 925845


Lol. Yeah, well, that's why I left. I figured He could deal with her alone for a while... I moved back home when he booted her out...
I want my Freakin' Rose-colored Glasses back...NOW !!!
Jenkins

User ID: 1014552
Canada
06/25/2010 11:29 PM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
This thread should be called ''GLP Milfs''.
Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o.
And on that farm he had a cow, ee-i-ee-i-o.
With a moo moo here and a moo moo there
Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo
Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o.
Anonymous Coward
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06/26/2010 01:45 AM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
My daughter was wild at 13 and did not turn normal again until she was 26
she is 42 now. I have talked to a lot of mothers and some of the smart ones act out a lot but most start to act normal again around 26 years old.
( I gave my mother hell for almost 12 years too, but I was the one to take care of her the last 12 years of her life, my daugher was there also helping) You are doing what you need to so she will grow up!
Anonymous Coward
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06/26/2010 01:53 AM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Yes, I homeschooled all mine too. She is the youngest, and the only girl. She despises me and all I stand for. And all my marriage stands for. She treated her dad like a wallet, and me as a maid and entertainment center. She quit her part-time jobs after a few weeks and lived off of us. It got so bad, I left. I moved back home the day she moved out, and she sends me the most vicious, hurtful letters. I just worry... thanks everyone for the support. It's good to know I'm not alone in the 'tough love' dramas.
 Quoting: CuriousGeorgette



Just love her and let it be.. don't take her back in unless she has a job or in school

-peace
siteless

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06/26/2010 01:58 AM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
So long as she doesn’t take up prostitution and or drugs she’ll get it together, she had good parenting.
I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books. I have begun to listen to the teachings my blood whispers to me: Thomas Mann


There were no smooth seas there.
COrizon
TimeSlider :)

User ID: 990018
United States
06/26/2010 01:59 AM

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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
When I was 15 my mom and I had a difference of opinion on religion. I left home and made it on my own. If I could do it at 15 she will be fine at 23, at least she is old enough to drive and get a legal job , not the ones I took to survive....


She will be OK , she just needs to grow :) Kind a like when mother birds push the baby out of the nest. Fly or fall , and in falling learn to fly!
Remember, Remember 11 September
The Gun powder, Treason and Plot
I know of NO reason
why the gun powder treason
should ever be forgot.

"Don't tell me what you believe in. I'll observe how you behave and I will make my own determination."
Alex Trebek


There was a man upon the stair
When I looked back, he wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I think he's from the CIA.
~ Mad Magazine
Anonymous Coward
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06/26/2010 06:20 AM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Yes, I homeschooled all mine too. She is the youngest, and the only girl. She despises me and all I stand for. And all my marriage stands for. She treated her dad like a wallet, and me as a maid and entertainment center. She quit her part-time jobs after a few weeks and lived off of us. It got so bad, I left. I moved back home the day she moved out, and she sends me the most vicious, hurtful letters. I just worry... thanks everyone for the support. It's good to know I'm not alone in the 'tough love' dramas.
 Quoting: CuriousGeorgette



Sorry Mom, you might think my advice is difficult, but you need to re-state things in this way in order to know how to deal with it:

Her Dad LET her treat him like a wallet.
I LET her treat me like a maid.
Together, We ENABLED her joblessness and laziness.
I didn't know how to fix it then, so I bailed.

So, what sort of effort are you both willing to make now in order to salvage what you can?

BTW, no one is perfect, we all do this stuff to one extent or another, but at the same time it's not carved in stone; you can still make a better deal out of it. Good luck.
Anonymous Coward
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06/26/2010 06:33 AM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Every person/kid is different, so take everyone's advice with a grain of salt. That's my advice.
Anonymous Coward
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Sweden
06/26/2010 07:04 AM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
Sorry Mom, you might think my advice is difficult, but you need to re-state things in this way in order to know how to deal with it:

Her Dad LET her treat him like a wallet.
I LET her treat me like a maid.
Together, We ENABLED her joblessness and laziness.
I didn't know how to fix it then, so I bailed.

So, what sort of effort are you both willing to make now in order to salvage what you can?

BTW, no one is perfect, we all do this stuff to one extent or another, but at the same time it's not carved in stone; you can still make a better deal out of it. Good luck.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 967614


I would agree with the above poster.

The only thing I have to add is, it seems you and your husband should work on your communication. I get the impression he is of the slightly "distant" workaholic type, and that the two of you in some ways live parallel lives, rather than share lives. I also get the impression this may be part of what made things go a little wrong with your daughter.

These impressions may be wrong, but if they're right, make an effort to fix it. For your sake, and for your husband's.

Don't worry about your daughter. She is after all 24 years old! You are not responsible for her any more, not legally, and not morally. I personally moved out from my parent's home when I was 17, and I've never asked for a dime since.

It is not normal and healthy for a young adult to stay dependent on his or her parents forever. Your daughter needs to create a life for herself. The best thing you can do for her at this point, is to force her to do just that. You may lose contact with her for a while, but ten years from now, you'll be friends again. Or for the first time, as it may be.

Good luck! hf
Anonymous Coward
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06/26/2010 07:15 AM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
OP,

It was very hard on you I am sure to kick her out, hoping
this will be the thing to help her mature. We know it is going to get worse, the times...so don't make it permanent.

Be tough now but show some leeway when things go to heck...

My best advise, I know a very good mother, pray to Mary for help with your daughter.
Anonymous Coward
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Sweden
06/26/2010 07:27 AM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
This thread should be called ''GLP Milfs''.
 Quoting: Jenkins


I just realized this thread was abandoned by the OP a week ago, only to be resurrected by this resident clown.

Stop posting folks...
Anonymous Coward
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Sweden
06/26/2010 07:28 AM
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Re: GLP Moms - Some advice please
This thread should be called ''GLP Milfs''.


I just realized this thread was abandoned by the OP a week ago, only to be resurrected by this resident clown.

Stop posting folks...
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 300884


A month ago, sorry.

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