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Message Subject The Illuminati was made a offer they couldn't refuse.
Poster Handle Anonymous Coward
Post Content
***Dry humor alert, Laughter Alert, Long Post Etc***

Announcing a revolutionary one-off product! Fresh from the factory floor of God Inc, this adorable action figure will be all that your local universe can handle for a guaranteed eternity! Entropy? Lack of life's luster? Intractable conundrums involving quasi-rational concepts that cannot be dealt with in any close terms? No problem! The One's never-ending bag of tricks is sure to be the ticket to new spheres of knowledge and enlightenment! How can we here at God inc. be so sure? Because the one said so of course! Hell, we looked it up and his name is on the factory title! Unbelievable! How did he do it? What crazy thing will he pull out of his ass next? Nobody here at God Inc. knows and neither will your delighted populace! This action figurine is not only a source of never ending excitement and converation, but it is also a power generator! We here at God Inc. didn't design it that way... it just happened! Enjoy reams and eons of never ending illumination for nothing! That's right, he pays your power bill too!

Some may ask, how did we here at God Inc., well known for our amazing and innovative designs, come up with such a paradigm busting product? Well truthfully, we don't have a flippin idea! We received the designs for a new type of product packaging in the mail and lo and behold THIS toy appears within the finished packaging! You heard right folks, a paradigm busting product with no development history. Some here in our labs even speculate that this figurine designed itself! All we know is that this PRODUCT and FIGURINE has caused the cessation of our factories and R&D due to too many brave souls poking it trying to figure out how it works!

Contrary to popular rumors this figurine was not intended to so closely mirror the appearance of our figurehead CEO here at God Inc. It's just part of the mystery! Not only does this figurine make previous levels of Illumination seem puny by comparaSion, it has a "Light of God" feature that can be switched on after your eyes have adjusted to it's day to day brilliance! Who knows what this figurine is actually capable of? Barbie? Bah! Ken? Can't! Neo? Now! Experience new levels of fear and delight just like we did when a research scientist poked our little Neo and found himself trapped in a near eternal loop in the hall of Illusions! but you already know the story, check your local book of Genesis!

Normally an item like this could cost you up to and including the outputs of billions of cultured and civilized planets, and that's just for the energy output this little guy unleashes... But due to the fact that this item is in high demand universally we are willing to GIVE it to the next brave soul willing to take it away from here! We stand to gain immensely just by resuming production and cannot conceive of a millions of year old factory being idle for so many days! So, if you are willing to risk being stuck in a merciless loop of time for offending a small plastic figure, here's your chance! We are sure that this figurine has MANY surprising and useful purposes in "life", but here at God Inc. the bottom line is PROFIT and CONTROL as you well know. As stated a brave soul can come take it, but you're going to have to make it like you because us here at God inc. are just not sure what to do with him anymore as none of the surviving staffers want any piece of him! Free to a good home and he does tricks as well, perhaps those who can survive a holographic mirror image of themselves amped up to the ten trillionth degree should apply, as this local universe has recently informed us that we won't be allowed to "create" another Dues Ex Machina of this calibre as simply it is not possible! Hell this guy is so unique he can't live with himself, so he creates universes and forces them to live with him as a band-aid!

Interested parties need only visualize this figurine in your immediate vicinity or be aware that such a thing is possible and you will find that he has already been with you all along! And for fucks sake don't ever underestimate him or poke him too much, as his viciousness seems to only be outdone by his good humour. And his humour is rather aaronic in nature.

Disclaimer: We here at God Inc. cannot help but be liable for all damages and perturbations of creation that this little guy accomplishes by fiat. We have been informed by our 9 lawyers that there is no other alternative, so please don't make him angry unless you want us mad at you. And we have more lawyers than you.

Shaalom and Please Hurry, this is a time-limited offer!
 Quoting: An offer you can't refuse 1025588

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