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Just a little break from an impending doom: post your funny (but actual!!) ARMY stories! Here goes mine.

Anonymous Coward
User ID: 394033
07/19/2010 08:36 AM
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Just a little break from an impending doom: post your funny (but actual!!) ARMY stories! Here goes mine.
Here goes 4 of my stories:

1) Exploding ladder:

A Sergeant wakes up to find his pants in the tree. Luckily there is a wooden ladder nearby. Little did he know it is all a sinister set up and one leg of the ladder was carefully rigged with explosives.

As soon as he got to the top of the ladder, the invisible string was pulled. BUM! goes the grenade detonator and the ladder now only has one leg.

To the surprise of us all, Sergeant didn't panic, he grabbed his pants, while balancing on already falling ladder, he turned 180 degrees and leaps onto the lower nearby branch.

We spent the rest of the afternoon running with our rifles above our heads, till it stopped being funny.

2) The special tree:

The aim of the trainings was to build and camouflage a small ground bunker. We split into teams and started digging. A few hours passed, here is our bunker, with camouflaged entrance and roof. Somehow it didn't look very natural, so I suggested planting a tree right on top. With a tree it was complete, no way to tell it apart from the rest of the forest.

Half of the team remain hidden in bunker, the rest gathered in the nearby field to meat the other teams. We had all to go explore the forest searching for other teams bunkers.

Just before leaving for a search, I saw one lieutenant leave to take a piss (as it later was discovered). He want roughly the direction where our bunker was located. Two minutes later I see the rest of my team return with captured lieutenant. His pants were wet. Poor lieutenant managed to pick the only fake tree in the whole forest. He was a big guy, so when he got down with his business, the roof collapsed and peeing lieutenant... You can imagine the moment.

We got the highest mark for camouflage and lowest for structural integrity.

3) Sicko:

One soldier didn't want to attend winter war games (they are kind of harsh, really). He decided to get sick. Since his health was already poor we figured it won't take much ho help him catch the cold. I was on the night shift and when the rest fell asleep we started the quest for the sickness. I made the guy stand in the hot shower till he nearly fainted, then outside naked in a subzero temperatures, with heavy wind. Roll in the sow. Then again to the hot shower. We did this for a few hours, till the guy could barely walk on his own.

We took him to bed, ready to deport him to medical facilities as soon as first symptoms of cold will kick in. They never did. He went to winter war games. He didn't get sick for the rest of the year. I met him 6 years after the army, we had a beer, he told me he hasn't caught a cold ever since and his overall health improved dramatically.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1034447
United States
07/19/2010 09:14 AM
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Re: Just a little break from an impending doom: post your funny (but actual!!) ARMY stories! Here goes mine.
Well, I wasn't in the Army but I WAS in the Navy and have a funny story about that.

Chicken Bucket Revenge

I was in Naval Intel, and worked in SpecWar. As such, I tended to move around quite a bit and was never deployed to any one ship for a PCS. My duty station was shore-based, but I would temdu out to various ships for whatever operation I was participating in at the time. I got the chance to meet a lot of different folks in the Navy and interact with them for the time I was aboard their ship.

I was an officer, and I can tell you....Chiefs (E-7 and above) really do run the Navy. I was not an academy officer, so the enlisted folks tended to take a different approach with me, and considering that I demonstrated my understanding of who really ran the Navy on a regular basis, I earned trust amongst the ranks quickly.

I was sent out to the USS John Paul Jones, a destroyer, for an STO (Standard Training Operation) which I was heading up. There was an Ensign (O-1) aboard who had recently transferred to the Jones after graduating with decent marks from the Naval Academy. He was all attitude and superiority and no real knowledge or experience. The kind of guy who gave a SeAL Chief with 17 years shit for the placement of the nametag on his Khaki's. He was what folks in the Navy refer to as "a shitbag."

Well, this Chief, an LtJG, and I cooked up a little psyop revenge for this guy to simmer him down a little. We put him under observation to find his weaknesses and discovered that he really liked his car, had this wierd "rich-kid" emotional attachment to it. He had a brand-new (at the time, this was in 1999) Jaguar convertible. He loved that car and spent quite a bit of his free time babying it. He would park it within sight of the foredeck whenever the ship made a movement and would stand on the foredeck ...always...on departure, pretending that he wasn't looking at it. This was our angle.

We boarded a few hours before him and worked it out with the OOD (Officer-of-the-Day) to give him a "briefing on the shore-security situation" to give us the time to get him below decks for just enough time for us to get out into the parking lot and do our thing right before we departed on a 2 week WestPac training rotation.

Our thing: The Chief and I had thrown in together on a 12 piece bucket from KFC which we took out into the parking lot and stuffed in every crack and crevice in his car. Under the windshield wipers, stuffed into the little spaces between the car and the convertible top, basically everywhere we could fit chicken, we fit it. Then we got back on board and watched with relish...We should have won an Oscar for our perrformances that morning....dead-pan the whole way...It was so hard not to smile at what followed/

As the ship was departing, the only thing that butter bar could see was a flock of seagulls completely destroying his car to get at the chicken we had stuffed all over it. I mean destroying. Ripping the convertible top, pecking through the windshield, pecking at each other fighting over legs, shitting all over the place...it was classic! The butter bar was mortified and furious. The XO, who was aware of the operation, suggested that the Ensign be a little more respectful of those personnel with more time-in-service, experience, and intelligence than him and refused to take the matter another step further and chalked it up as "outside vandalism".

No one was ever charged with anything, and the butter bar's car was totalled by the insurance agency. It was a complete wreck when we got back and the Ensign changed his tune thereafter. I got an email from that Chief about a year later telling me that he had become a real "stand-up" officer after that and actually started to try to earn the respect of the ranks rather than demanding it.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 643026
United Kingdom
07/19/2010 09:49 AM
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Re: Just a little break from an impending doom: post your funny (but actual!!) ARMY stories! Here goes mine.
Not very exciting but it was funny (if you had been there) It was our last night of basic training in the Women's Royal Army Corps, we were due to pass off the following day. We were ordered to stay in barracks that night but we decided to give the platoon corporal a scare.

We all squeezed into one bath cubicle and left one girl in the main bathroom. She was playing the platoon idiot. The corporal came up to check we were all being good little girls before lights out and she started to panic as she found room after room empty. Finally she walked into the bathroom where Chris was 'cleaning' the wash basins. She asked where everybody was and Chris said she didn't know but she'd heard some talk about a pub crawl in Guildford, and then she complained she was very upset she wasn't invited.

The corporal went screaming off to the Sergeant's room to tell her that the whole platoon was out getting drunk. Meanwhile we all crept back to our own rooms and began getting out kit ready for the following day. The sergeant came hurtling up the stairs to confirm the corporal's story, closely followed by the red faced corporal who couldn't believe her eyes when she saw us all busy with our kit. Sadly we couldn't convince her she'd gone nuts and we got a rollicking from the Sergeant after she threatened Chris with charges if she didn't tell where we'd been. But we did hear her sblacking at the embarrassed corporal as she went back downstairs. And the corporal couldn't do anything to us because we were all being posted around the country the following day.

User ID: 1040493
United States
07/19/2010 10:12 AM
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Re: Just a little break from an impending doom: post your funny (but actual!!) ARMY stories! Here goes mine.
As a Military Policeman, I hated giving tickets to GI's(would never do it)......finally one day the Lieutenant ordered me to go out an bring back (3) ticketed traffic violations: So I went on patrol, but 8 hours later I went off duty without issuing a ticket!

The next day, the Lieutenant asked me where the tickets were, and I said nobody broke the law that day.......so the Lieutenant now orders me to go out and bring back (3) tickets, and DON'T GO OFF DUTY UNTIL I WRITE THOSE TICKETS!

So I went out and ticketed (2) Bird Coronals and a two star general(base commander) for parking in a red zone! lol

The next day, the Lieutenant got a phone call, and boy was he mad! lol

Needless to say, shortly after that I came down on orders for Viet Nam! lol

Last Edited by ObeWayneKenobe on 07/19/2010 10:14 AM