Local Water Tower Celebrates 50th Year As Repository Of Information On Who Is A Slut

Local Water Tower Celebrates 50th Year As Repository Of Information On Who Is A Slut

CONCORDIA, MO—Residents marked the 50th anniversary of the Concordia water tower Tuesday, honoring a structure that for generations has been the community's most comprehensive source of information on who is a slut.

Enlarge ImageHistorians say information on whether or not Whitney Olsen got the whole baseball team off would otherwise have been lost to time.

According to University of Missouri historian Elliot Torcello, the remarkably well- preserved tower is recognized throughout the region as an indispensable archive detailing which women in the area are promiscuous, as well as whether or not they have crabs.

"Since June 22, 1960, when the words 'Jill Hooper is a slut' first appeared on one of its support girders, the tower has been a place for citizens to go and find out who is really easy, or perhaps to contribute their own statement about who is giving it up all over town," Torcello said. "This unique public forum has immortalized the names of all those who demonstrated in one way or another that they were a slut, a whore, or—after 1984—a skank."

"One need only gaze upon the dozens of testimonials from the early 1970s on the size of Kelly Compitello's bush to realize what a truly remarkable record it is," Torcello added.

The water tower, which services all of Lafayette County Public Utility District No. 3, is believed to offer the most extensive registry of Concordia's sluts, though local experts note that similar data can also be found on the big rock out by the train tracks and in the alleyway behind Champ's Sports Bar.

While the 160-foot-tall structure catalogs a variety of information—including a definitive index of who is a fag or a queer and who has a limp dick—Torcello contends that it is the half-century-old compendium of Concordia's sluts and what they are willing to do with Principal Delahunt that offers the richest portrait of the town's history.

"Take, for example, a 1964 message near the reservoir ladder, where in large red letters we can read that Cindy Davis takes it in the ass all night long," Torcello said. "Now, walk around to the south leg and you'll see words spray-painted some 23 years later that indicate her daughter, Becky Davis, takes it in the ass like a pro. That kind of insight into familial legacy is simply unprecedented."

[link to www.theonion.com]