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!! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....

 
m_astera
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12/25/2010 09:20 PM
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!! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your holidays, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

His son screams back, "Pop, what are you talking about?"
The father says, "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer and are calling it quits. We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting a divorce," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!".

She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father. "You are NOT getting a divorce. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?".

The old man hangs up the phone and walks into the living room. His wife looks up from her knitting and smiles.

"The kids are coming for Christmas," he says.

"That's nice", says his wife.

"And they're paying their own way," he says.
Anonymous Coward
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12/25/2010 09:21 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
What do you call an elf who can't find his shoes?
m_astera (OP)

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12/25/2010 09:23 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
What do you call an elf who can't find his shoes?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1207140


I dunno, what?
Anonymous Coward
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12/25/2010 09:23 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your holidays, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

His son screams back, "Pop, what are you talking about?"
The father says, "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer and are calling it quits. We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting a divorce," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!".

She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father. "You are NOT getting a divorce. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?".

The old man hangs up the phone and walks into the living room. His wife looks up from her knitting and smiles.

"The kids are coming for Christmas," he says.

"That's nice", says his wife.

"And they're paying their own way," he says.
 Quoting: m_astera

lolatu
Anonymous Coward
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12/25/2010 09:23 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
What do you call an elf who can't find his shoes?


I dunno, what?
 Quoting: m_astera


I dunno either. I only made up the first part of the joke. Hopefully it was worth 50% of a laugh.
Anonymous Coward
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12/25/2010 09:26 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
Jesus and Moses are alive and well in the year 2010 and sitting on the banks of a river talking.
Moses says, "Hey Jesus. I'm bored. I want to try something"
Moses stands up, raises his staff and parts the river.
Moses yells, "I STILL GOT IT!"
Jesus says "Yeah, thats pretty cool, but watch this"
Jesus stands up and starts walking across the river. He gets about 10 yards out and sinks.
Moses has to save him from drowning.
Jesus is back on land and cries "I dont get it...I used to be able to walk on water"
Moses says "Yeah, but before you didnt have holes in your feet"
Anonymous Coward
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12/25/2010 09:26 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
That's a good one Op.
m_astera (OP)

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12/25/2010 09:26 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
Warning: Bad Joke

What do reindeer wives do while their husbands are working on Christmas Eve with Santa?

What else? Go to a bar, get liquored up and blow a few bucks . . .
Anonymous Coward
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12/25/2010 09:28 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
:teeeehee:
m_astera (OP)

User ID: 1206991
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12/25/2010 09:31 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
What do you call an elf who can't find his shoes?


I dunno, what?


I dunno either. I only made up the first part of the joke. Hopefully it was worth 50% of a laugh.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1207140


Left behind?

Sorry, I can do better. OK, this one is a little slow-

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
Not even a mouse stirred.

(you have to say the last part out loud to get it)
Anonymous Coward
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12/25/2010 09:31 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
Anonymous Coward
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12/25/2010 09:32 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't

* 10. Did you get any under the tree?
* 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
* 8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
* 7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
* 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
* 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
* 4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
* 3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
* 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
* 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Nothing is true

User ID: 1198559
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12/25/2010 09:33 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
Why wasn't Jesus born in Venezuela?

They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.



Just kiddin, OP

Merry Christmas

peace
Everything is permitted..
Anonymous Coward
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12/25/2010 09:35 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
Jesus and Moses are alive and well in the year 2010 and sitting on the banks of a river talking.
Moses says, "Hey Jesus. I'm bored. I want to try something"
Moses stands up, raises his staff and parts the river.
Moses yells, "I STILL GOT IT!"
Jesus says "Yeah, thats pretty cool, but watch this"
Jesus stands up and starts walking across the river. He gets about 10 yards out and sinks.
Moses has to save him from drowning.
Jesus is back on land and cries "I dont get it...I used to be able to walk on water"
Moses says "Yeah, but before you didnt have holes in your feet"
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1201820



Obviously a Hoo joke.
Anonymous Coward
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12/25/2010 09:35 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1116628
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12/25/2010 09:35 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
Why wasn't Jesus born in Venezuela?

They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.



Just kiddin, OP

Merry Christmas

peace
 Quoting: Nothing is true



AHAHHahahahah... good.
Anonymous Coward
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12/25/2010 09:37 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
What did the one snowman say to the other snowman....








Do you smell carrots?
m_astera (OP)

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Venezuela
12/25/2010 09:39 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't

* 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1203976


I like it, but what does it mean? I don't think you can say that even at Christmas.


* 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1203976


We have all colors here, mostly caramel. lol
m_astera (OP)

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12/25/2010 09:44 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....

 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1203976


Funny! That one made my cheeks hurt. I've had a lot of fun back in the day with a whoopee cushion.
m_astera (OP)

User ID: 1206991
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12/25/2010 09:49 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
How do sheep in Venezuela say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad

How do dogs in Venezuela say Merry Christmas?
Fleas Navidog.

Last Edited by m_astera on 12/25/2010 09:50 PM
Anonymous Coward
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12/25/2010 09:53 PM
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Re: !! Christmas Jokes!! I'll start....
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.

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