Nightmare on High Street. Crystal Meth Stories.

Some interesting reads for ya.


Stories of Victory, Stories of Struggle, Stories of Tragedy
This page is for parents, youths and young adults who would like to have us publish their personal story of how their lives have been affected by crystal meth. We believe that in telling our stories we can save many others from experiencing similar pain and tragedy. We also value the strength this, in turn, gives us, as in our courageous-yet-sensitive and generous sharing, we gain healing.

May the stories published on this page be inspirational for all who read them. May their authors be held in the utmost of respect for their selfless sharing for the sake of you, our reader. Please keep them in your thoughts and heart as they continue in their personal journey, whatever their situation with crystal meth.

NOTE: In order to be eligible for publication all stories must not contain profanities (unless you are willing to allow us to insert periods for the letters in the middle ie: s..t) or statements that seek to place blame with, or slander another person or institution. We are all doing the best we can within the confines of the law, vocational restrictions, knowledge, and resources available to each of us at any one point in time. What is called for is compassion and partnership for the sake of bringing our communities together.

Please send your story (maximum 100 words) via e-mail (within your message versus as an attachment) with subject "letter" to be considered for this LETTERS page. Be sure to include your written permission to publish the contents of your letter and instructions on how you wish to sign it: real first name, nickname, or anonymous. We reserve the right to edit your story for the sake of brevity and for the sake of the highest and best interests of all concerned. We will never alter your words, nor share this sensitive information with your contact information, with anyone outside of our private and confidential administrative process. Thank you for your selfless and courageous sharing.

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Here is a great success story!

June 27, 2005:

Hi Kerry,
I too understand how you felt with Ryan. I have 2 adopted daughters. Laura who is six months older was brought home at 4 days old & I loved her immediately. I wanted to be the best mother but from the beginning Laura was a challenge even before she got into drugs. I don´t think she ever felt like she fit in or was good enough & when she started drinking at 16 she thought this was what she had been waiting for all her life. When she got into crystal meth at 17, my life was in chaos, money kept disappearing from my wallet & her behavior was more bizarre & volatile. She was spending more time in her room or not coming home at all.
In February we sent her to a treatment center in the states where she would only stay for a little over a month. With all of us signing our contract for her new behavior, I began my insane mission of driving her to outpatient programs, drug counselors & a.a. meetings. I was checking her room reading her dark letters & finding her drug paraphernalia. It was so crazy & painful. She decided to live in a group home. I was getting in her way of using. In August Laura was at summer camp. She was always great with kids. She didn´t want anything to do with me at that point. I felt like such a failure as a mother & couldn´t understand why she wasn´t stopping, but I knew she was dying as I was. She was a ghost, her eyes were dead. She behaved like a monster or she was delusional & not making sense. We were a good family, where did I go wrong? I was so desperate I tricked her into going to aarc (which is a [one] year treatment center). During treatment she left 3 times to use but always came back to aarc. I was done, I was never taking her back home until she finished treatment. We graduated Sept 4th. I came home & left her in Calgary. She relapsed & signed herself back into treatment for a month (refresher relapse treatment). That was in Dec.
Today she is home for the summer (maybe longer). She has six months sobriety & she has the tools to stay sober. It’s wonderful to see her start to win. I truly believe there is a predisposition to this disease & even if you are a wonderful parent you cannot prevent this. It affects all classes, knows no boundaries. I thank aarc for our lives. As parents I think we need the support of mandatory treatment for our kids. I tried to get help for my daughter & there wasn´t anything out there. Please stress treatment. I support you in what you are doing but I don´t believe good parenting is enough in this terrible disease.
Vicki Pedersen.

It seems to me that good parenting has been overly stressed for too long, in that it is we who are often blamed for our children´s troubles (by society at large). And it is true that we are in the best position to influence them as they grow into wise and responsible adults. It really takes a community, however, to do the best job. A community that provides a safe, protective, clean, nurturing, and supportive environment in which we all can thrive in good health and happiness. It also takes parents with 20:20 foresight (awareness & skills) to be in the best position to help their children avoid drug abuse and full-blown addiction. I look forward to learning through Vicki and Laura about the methods and underlying philosophy of AARC. This program is designed for youth under 19 in the 3rd or 4th stage of addiction. [link to www.aarc.ab.ca] – K

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An amazing and wonderful reconnection thanks to a Province newspaper article about Ryan and myself as well as the Now TV, Online interview I gave!

May 28, 2005:

Dear Kerry, my name is Aaron Sigmund; I just wanted to say I am very sorry for your loss of your precious son. I believe I met you and Ryan some time in spring 2001 around Mothers Day. The circumstance was, you had made some arrangements to have some recovering meth addicts come and share their experience, strength, and hope with Ryan while he was in the psychiatric unit ... You picked us up ... myself and 2 girls and we drove out there. At the time I had 4 months clean and sober from IV heroin, cocaine, and meth use. Not knowing what to expect when we arrived at the hospital, the whole way out I was asking god for the words to help me carry the message to Ryan. When we arrived at the hospital, we were joined by your mother and brother. Sitting in the room with the doctor, Ryan seemed reluctant to join us at first but soon came in. We all told a bit of our stories, and Ryan seemed open to us. I just have to tell you that at that moment in my sobriety I was on the fence, to stay clean or not, and sharing my experience with Ryan helped me get out of myself and inspire me to work with others. Still to this day I share the experience of that day and how it kept me sober. That day was so powerful for me. I wish we could have stayed in touch after that but I had moved soon after from the recovery house where I was staying to a new facility in South Surrey called the Launching Pad Recovery house. I was their first client. Today I am on their board of directors. I’m the father of a 3 year old boy, have a good job and I’m a productive member of society and have received an award from the mayor of Surrey for my triumph over homelessness and my work with others without shelter. I would just like to tell you how proud I am of what you are doing and the remarkable amount of awareness you have brought to the community. I know there is no way I could have achieved what I have, and be where I am today, without working with wonderful people like Ryan (and myself as I used to be).

NOTE: Aaron has asked to join me in future speaking engagements. He is one of the lucky few who make it out of heavy drug use. Crystal meth was not his main substance, fortunate for him as he seems to have made a full recovery. We met recently and you would never know that he had ever used any drugs...he looks so healthy and speaks so well. I look forward to getting to know him and working with him as a 20:20 Parenting contributor. – K

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May 20, 2005:

A poem written by a lovely young man who has fought to regain his life and wishes to warn others of the reality of crystal meth addiction:

Nightmare on High Street

Hi, my name is Moe Max, I´m 27 and I have been high on meth for 6 yrs.
Gross huh?
I would have never thought I would have done this drug as long as I have.
When I was 21 I thought I would try the drug only once, how wrong I was.
When you do the drug, don´t let the drug do you.


Addiction´s High - Life´s a MESS!
I used to be a tweeker it wasn´t long ago.
I noticed I got weaker and my bones began to show.
It started out as something fun, I could do with all my friends.
In my tears I could drown. Longing for just ONE more hit.
Addiction is easy, feed it when you can.
Its ok just come and play.
How about a bump, so what do you say.
I´ll stick by you if you stick by me, lets do a line just you and me.
F..ked up, mentally and physically.
Can´t eat. Can´t think. Can´t sit. Can´t sleep!
Don´t care. Won´t stop. Can´t quit ~ One more hit!
Trip the trigger. Overdrive thrust. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.
But through it all I´ve remained strong,

forever trying to prove all of you wrong.
Still, it seems as though no matter what I do ~

NOTHING will be proof enough for you.
Can´t you stop putting me down? Let me smile for once instead of frown.
Try to help and throw me a rope. Don´t keep pushing me DEEPER into DOPE!
A delusional mind. And physical breakdown of the body.
Things seem just fine now that you´ve tried me.
Still yes, I know, as all will say, there is a chance to flee,
but somehow I find comfort, in not having to be free.
Numbing the pain and becoming lost, you could care less what it cost.
It´s hard to stay clean, when things are falling apart. I told you quite clearly.
That I´m falling apart.
Now because all I love is gone do I do dope.

Self-medicating and trying to cope.
Then I saw you through glass, how clear it was then,
as the smoke swirled and rose from the crystal within.
I´m still yearning for it. I will call you "sweet love"
I love to tweak and do dope and pass out.
You don´t understand, until you give it a try,

I´m gonna keep tripping till the day I die.
Get a grip, don´t loose your sanity.
Now go look in the mirror, what do you see?

The hollow remains of what use to be.
This person that I hate, I can´t stand to be,
this person that I see; this person is now me.
All too well known this art of twirling
the perfected pipe curling creating circular smoke swirling.
Realizing there does exist a finish just let the bag diminish.
In your house and in your mind you tweek and jone´s behind the blinds.
I got sick my body physically and mentally.

Vomit, cramps and withdrawal pains.
Guts tied in knots, hot chills and cold sweats. Need my crystal bowl.
Speed kills but what a way to die. It´s one big roller coaster ride.
My hands are shaking, I have bad dreams, of buying my drugs,

I´m craving it seems.
All my friends were nothing but backstabbers liars and fakes.

when they were down and needed my help I was there,

but now I see that they weren´t trying to play fair.
My only love, Crystal Meth. Even when things get sketchy.
Forever tweaking, never sleeping.
That´s cause the crystal plays with you.
I´m so f..king stupid for trying this dope, now I´m addicted to my own
misery with no hope. My thoughts are wac, I´m off track.
Can you remember what it is you´re trying to find?
Or is it lost in the smoke that´s feeding your mind.
Don´t loose hope we get more dope.
I hurt myself today to see if I still feel,

I focus on the pain the only thing that´s real.
Everyday I find myself crying,
on the inside I am dying
Caring I do less and less.
My life has become one big mess.
This is my own addiction,
this agony is my own self affliction.
it´s CRYSTAL clear, only I am to blame.
So each hour passes, and the damage is done
you soon realize, this drug is no longer fun.
So you scream for a friend. Of which you have none.
Your life has now ended. It´s finished it´s done.
Seconds ticked away the final hour. Taking away all choice and power.
And though I scream and try to fight, there is no one to hear.
That was the sweetest dream, nothing more than a nightmare.
Taste the freedom. In the white magic. Relief begins and soon turns tragic.
The only way home is through the fires of hell. Will he make it?
There is no way to tell...This is not a game.
Sad and depressed I just sit in my shell,
This descent into madness, my own personal hell.
Never get caught slipping, cause I´m forever tripping.
Now I´m scared I´ve gone too far, I can´t get back to where you are.
And we will always be addicted. TILL DEATH DO US PART!
Where this crazy crystal dream ends...

your "friend"
Methamphetamine

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Another story for young crystal meth experimenters or young people who are curious about it...

May 20, 2005 (final version submitted)

Hi my name is Bryan. I hope this story may help others to understand what being addicted to meth is like. I got addicted to meth in 1997. I used off and on until 2004. Most of 2003 to 2004 was continuous use. I became the biggest dealer in the town I live in. I did it to support my own habit. I saw people who owned their own homes and lost everything they had in an 8-month time period. Sure I had money and power at that time, but I did get beaten up twice really bad because of jealousy. Having my hands duct-taped behind me, and 2 guys beating on me, is not very much fun. What I’m trying to say is that the life is part of the addiction. Sure you can quit the drug but the life and the people are hard to get away from. I spent 3 months in treatment in 2001 [then I got] even harder into the scene; I figure I failed it because I did it for all the wrong reasons. I should have done it for myself. Quitting cold turkey isn’t always the safest way either, treatment did teach me a lot. It took me to the root of my addiction. They helped bring out suppressed memories of sexual abuse from when I was 4 yrs old. It will be a year at the end of May since I became clean. The way I did it was to stay away from anybody that I used to be around.

Getting treatment helps, I recommend it to anyone. Just remember when the treatment is done you have to totally leave anyone who is into any kind of drugs behind. It doesn’t take long to relapse if you are around the same people. I am very lucky to have support from my parents. My 6 yr old son needs me as well. I basically raised him from birth. His mother is a crack addict and isn’t in his life at all. I now also have support from my new girlfriend, which I would have never met if I were still in that kind of life. I just want people to know that there are terrible things that happen and people that you get to know won’t think twice about betraying you to get the drug. I have had friends killed because of stupid things like a snowmobile that got stolen; my friend had his head blown off because of it. I knew another guy who got beaten to death because of a stolen laptop. I have gotten my life back now and I am not giving it up for anyone or any drug. I hope that this story will help, especially the younger people who are just experimenting. Meth is very addicting, and you may feel like you are on top of the world when you’re on it but you can fall down really hard and it’s very hard to get back up. Its not just you that you hurt it’s the people closest to you that get hurt also.

Thank you for reading this, – Bryan.

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WARNING: This next story contains frighteningly graphic illustrations of the horrors this young girl, Corrina has gone through, and still lives with…it is not for the faint of heart. This is a case, as was my son’s, where crystal meth actually induced psychosis. As Dr. Bill MacEwan, B.C., specialist in drug-induced psychosis and mental illness, has stated publicly, there are two timelines for crystal meth addiction: with the first or first few uses and with extended “high functioning” usage. Psychosis, he estimates, will affect 10% to 20% of users. I tell you this in advance so that you will understand that this story of first-use addiction and psychosis is not an exaggeration. Unfortunately, when we have not had any experience with this kind of drug response and induced illness, it is all too easy to brush it off as unrealistic, or rare, therefore not a real threat to our own children. This is exactly the kind of denial that prevents us from protecting our children, a denial that I myself admit to and will regret for the rest of my life.

If you have a daughter who is overly concerned with her weight and you fear she may be vulnerable to the weight-reducing effect (thus dream-come-true promise) of crystal meth, this is a story she may need to read. – K

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May 11, 2005 (final version submitted)

Dear Kerry –

Thank you for your presentation last night [May 5]. I am a 54 yr old mother who wanted to give you a standing ovation for your bravery. I have coped with a 21 yr old daughter who has been an addict of crystal meth since 14. How she is still alive no one knows.

For the first five yrs I tried everywhere to get help and have finally succumbed to the realization I have lost my youngest child. She is committing suicide but it has been a very slow death.

You see, Corrina was an honour student, - with everything good in her life - until … 1996-97 …
She was worried about her weight that year ... Grade 8. She was 13 and the teachers talked about everything so perfect - her aspirations to become a plastic surgeon; so much talent. Corrina’s teachers state how respected she was by her peers, excellent in everything...even her nutrition. She was on the honor roll that year and had never missed a day of school...until this evil person gave her crystal meth. (To try for weight loss he said.) She did try it all right. She [got] hooked immediately and went crazy.

Corrina lost her education and schooling, (expelled within two weeks)… No one knew what was wrong with her. When she went crazy she completely lost her mind - masturbating in front of people, hucking and spitting up flem all over the carpets constantly, crawling around in the middle of the night scouring the floors for whatever, taking a knife to a family member because he wouldn´t purchase cigarettes. Covering windows in heavy wool blankets, she slept most days or would be up for five days straight. Corrina had become possessed. But by WHAT?

No one recognized the DRUG and I couldn´t smell it or find any signs - only different symptoms and each professional had a different diagnosis because she had become psychotic.

Never did Corrina admit at any point to using crystal meth. Only Corrina´s confession to a friend and her heart wrenching diaries speaking of having to get away from the "white stuff."

It was 1998 when everyone realized what was going on and it was too late. She had become so bulimic and weight obsessed that she would buy-shirts that were a toddler´s size 4. ... And I would sleep with any money in the house under my mattress every night because she had become such a thief. The anorexia and bulimia became so bad that her diet for weeks at a time initially consisted of only 7-11 slurpies. When she became bulimic she would consume boxes of cereal - sometimes one or two boxes at one time and then throw everything up. She would drink two or three cans of frozen juice and it was impossible to keep any food in the house. My son would lock his supply in a top cupboard and hide the key.

Her menstrual cycle ceased, (barely started) her breasts did not fully develop, and she now is incontinent and at times has no bowel control. She became obsessed with cutting things and plucking her eyebrows for hours on end. She cut all my underwear and good dresses. Sometimes just little "snips" here and there.

I can´t tell anyone still. It´s the stigma. I dropped my friends and had NO ONE over when she was still at home, and kept busy at work...No one knew the horror. I had to put Corrina with the Ministry at 15 1/2 [years old]. But there was NO WHERE TO TREAT HER. She quickly ended up on the streets and deteriorated in front of my eyes - to this paranoid shell of a "monster”.

Today Corrina resides in a downtown hotel desperately addicted and she can´t recover. No help. No beds. No will power ... And everyday I watch her die. Some days now I yearn to help her end her life because it is so unbearable for her. I am contemplating helping my daughter commit suicide. The drug has made me crazy as well.

At one time in my desperate state I was thinking I would disrobe in public and tie myself to a tree at [the hospital] to bring attention to her plight - if it would help. I came to my senses and realized they would only cart me away. That was when they rendered her "dual diagnosis" at about age 16 and then unable to treat her severe eating disorder.

At another time I thought of kidnapping her off the streets and hiding her in a cottage [in the valley] but was warned by Social Services I would be charged. [see end note]


I even tried to scare Corrina straight by suggesting one of her drug contacts was being questioned by police for the missing women on the downtown eastside and they had come to speak to me about it.

So you see...it has been a long struggle. But I couldn´t speak out about it. The shame, I guess. I´m a west side snob; concerned about appearances and what other people will think.

Today I have had to let go. It doesn´t matter now what got my daughter to the place she is in. What does matter is that no one can help her. And as strange as it sounds I have somehow come to terms with it. My false pride has dissolved over the yrs too, I guess. And this has allowed me to reach out to you.

My child is now riddled with marks; her veins all collapsed and scars up and down both arms. Her eyesight is destroyed because she had worn contacts but can no longer take care of herself. I cannot allow myself to give her any more money because I found her in my bathroom two weeks ago with her arm wrapped in a tensor bandage and a needle sticking out of her thigh. Both legs were streaked with blood as was her arm.

I can´t punish myself anymore by giving her money for what might be the last she uses these drugs. Then I surely will blame myself for killing her. As it is, I feel I didn´t protect her as a child.

I am not sure today if it is crystal or heroin. It is so difficult to say "no" to her, especially when she convinces me it is for food, and to tell her to "go away" - to not answer the door or be able to help the person you love more than anything else. It truly is excruciating.

On another sad note - my daughter was a virgin until she met her one friend- (a 37 yr old man who is dying of Aids...) My daughter has been intimate with one person and she has Hepatitis C. (I don´t believe she hooks - we have talked openly about this) She is "running" the drugs instead. She tells me "they" stay away from her because she tells men she has Aids. (At least she hasn´t lost all her brains I guess!) …

Your words allowed me to understand I am not alone. Your grief I have known. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your son. Kerry, thank you for taking the time to listen and who knows? Maybe YOU can make a difference. God give you strength to carry on.

Karen B.

Note: In Canada it is illegal to confine or force a minor or adult to submit to treatment (of any kind). Even our law enforcement and medical professionals can only use force when a person is an obvious danger to him/herself or another. Parents can easily be driven to drastic measures, risking their own lives in the process… I don’t recommend this though I had many ideations of this sort myself. – K

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May 7, 2005:

You must get many of emails, I hope you get this one. My name is Dale. Last yr, I became addicted to meth. Seeked help. In the mean time used off and on. Last time I used was just over a mth ago. The other night, I went to the forum at John Oliver. Your story, truely touched my heart. The saddness and the pain I felt as you talked of your son. I never did know what the drug did or was made from. I always walked away as someone would talk about it or change the chanel on the tv. I did not want to know as I wanted to use it. After sitting there and hearing of the [s..t] in it, and your story, I really beleive I am not going to use this again. I love my mom and family and seen what this has done to you as a mother. Thank you. Thank you for your story and sharing it with others.

Dale

NOTE: this came the day before Mother´s day. It was a gift that gave me such joy it brought me to tears.

However, I wish to say that I was, in thinking about the letter, a little concerned that this fine young man might still be addicted and that if he were to quit cold turkey he would then be at risk for suicide as my son was. Thankfully more communications eased my mind as he is well supported by both a treatment centre and family. During the presentation I gave that night I had explained the danger in quitting this drug cold turkey. Again, PLEASE do not try to get clean on your own if seriously addicted to crystal meth, and especially if the drug has induced psychosis/mental illness! This was Ryan´s last and fatal mistake which resulted in his suicide. – K