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I bet none of you missed me, did you?

 
Horace bubba
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User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 12:58 AM

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I bet none of you missed me, did you?
So this bear walks into this bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve bears beers in this bar."

The bear says, "If you don't give me a beer, I'm going to eat that woman down the way. Bones and all!"

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve bears beers in this bar."

So the bear goes down and eats the woman, bones and all. Then he goes back to the bartender.

The bear says, "Now gimme a beer!"

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve bears beers in this bar. Especially not ones on drugs."

The bear looks confused, and says, "I'm not on drugs!"

The bartender says, "That was a bar-bitch-you-ate!"
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
misterx

User ID: 1286998
Korea, Republic of
05/18/2011 01:00 AM
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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
Umm...you were gone?

Like where did you go?
“None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 01:05 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
Umm...you were gone?

Like where did you go?
 Quoting: misterx


So Hilda and Margaret are riding their bikes through town one night, and it was beginning to get dark.

Hilda says, "Margaret, I'm nervous. I've never come this way before."

Margaret says, "It'll be okay, Hilda, it's just the cobblestones."
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 01:10 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
So this baby Harp seal walks into a club...
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 01:19 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
So this guy is sitting on the city bus, and notices a beautiful woman sitting across from him... and she isn't wearing any panties.

He looks up and notices he's been caught staring.

He says, "Hey, I'm sorry, it's just that you're beautiful and and not wearing panties, and I couldn't help myself."

She says, "Hey, that's okay. You wanna see it do a few tricks?"

He says, "Well, sure!"

She says, "Watch, I'll make it wink at you!"

Sure as shit, as she lifts her skirt and spreads her legs, it winks at him!

"That's amazing!", He says.

She says, "Wanna see it blow you a kiss?"

He says, "Sure!"

Sure as shit, it blows him a kiss!

She says, "Wanna stick your fingers in it?" as she looks around nervously.

He says, "No shit! It whistles too?!"

Last Edited by Horace bubba on 05/18/2011 01:20 AM
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1388335
United States
05/18/2011 01:22 AM
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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 01:26 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
So this guy walks into a restaurant and looks at their menu.

Ham sandwich - $2.50

BLT - $3.72

Handjob - $5.00


He says to the waitress behind the counter, "Excuse me miss, are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Why, yes, I am." she says, as she smiles seductively.

He says, "Good. Go wash your hands, I want a BLT."
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1334960
United States
05/18/2011 01:29 AM
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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
So this baby Harp seal walks into a club...
 Quoting: Horace bubba


Thats horrible.....I love it.
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 01:31 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1388335


charlie

So this little girl is taking a shower with her father one day. Her gaze halts about midway up before asking:

"Daddy, when am I going to get one of those?" she says while looking down at herself.

"Right after mommy goes to the store." He replies.
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 01:41 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
So one night, a drunk stumbles out of a bar.

He sees a nun standing at a bus stop across the street.

He shambles over to her and punches her in the teeth, while screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you Batman!"
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 01:44 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

A: Gagged.
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 01:46 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
Q: What do 1,000 battered women have in common?

A: None of them will shut up and listen.
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1388335
United States
05/18/2011 01:48 AM
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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
Two hillbillies were walking down a country lane. Up ahead they saw a dog sitting in the middle of the road, licking its balls.

One hillbilly turns to the other and says, "Boy, wouldn't you love to be able to do that?"

The other hillbilly replies, "Sure, but I'm afraid he'll bite me."
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 01:50 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
Q: Why did God give women yeast infections?

A: So they can know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1267056
United States
05/18/2011 01:51 AM
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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1388335


charlie

So this little girl is taking a shower with her father one day. Her gaze halts about midway up before asking:

"Daddy, when am I going to get one of those?" she says while looking down at herself.

"Right after mommy goes to the store." He replies.
 Quoting: Horace bubba


:eeek55:
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 01:54 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
Two hillbillies were walking down a country lane. Up ahead they saw a dog sitting in the middle of the road, licking its balls.

One hillbilly turns to the other and says, "Boy, wouldn't you love to be able to do that?"

The other hillbilly replies, "Sure, but I'm afraid he'll bite me."
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1388335


lol

So a priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench one morning.

The priest sees an eight year old boy running by.

The priest says, "Hey, see that little boy? Wanna screw him?"

The rabbi looks the boy up and down, then turns to the priest and says, "Outta what?"
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1388335
United States
05/18/2011 01:57 AM
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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
Q: What do you call a uy with no arms and legs on your doorstep?
A: Matt.
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 01:59 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1388335


charlie

So this little girl is taking a shower with her father one day. Her gaze halts about midway up before asking:

"Daddy, when am I going to get one of those?" she says while looking down at herself.

"Right after mommy goes to the store." He replies.
 Quoting: Horace bubba


:eeek55:
 Quoting: Barbi


A guy's screwing this girl.

She says, "Excuse me, but isn't it a bit presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date?"

"Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a first grader to be using?"
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1388335
United States
05/18/2011 02:01 AM
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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?
A: Bob.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1388335
United States
05/18/2011 02:02 AM
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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of dead leaves?
A: Russell.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1388335
United States
05/18/2011 02:03 AM
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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on a wall?
A: Art.
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 02:04 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
This guy walks into a bar down in Texas and orders a white wine.

Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here. Where you from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist ... what the hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount dead animals."

The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"


For some reason, I keep wanting to place the bar in Australia.

Go figure.

bonghit
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 02:06 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of dead leaves?
A: Russell.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1388335


Q: What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs against a wall?

A: Ilene.
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 02:10 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
A cop pulls a motorist over using a radar gun and asks the motorist, "Buddy, do have any God dam idea how fast you were going?"

The man replied, "No sir, you have the radar gun, you tell me."

"You were going 70 mph in a 55 mph zone! You're gonna now have to pay a huge fine and look at you, it looks like you haven't had a job in years. You look like a bum!" the cop screamed.

The motorist the replied, "Why I have a great job! I'm a cunt stretcher."

"A WHAT?" the cop asked.

"I'm a cunt stretcher" the man said. "I first put my finger inside a woman's cunt and then I put another in, then another, then my whole hand, then both hands, until eventually she has a six foot cunt."

The cop looked aghast.

"What the HELL is a person gonna do with a six foot cunt, boy?"

The motorist then replied, "Give him a radar gun and hide him behind a billboard."
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 02:16 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
A black man walks into a bar and says, "I have a twelve inch dick, and I like to fuck white women with it."

A drunk at the other end of the bar said, "Hey, I wouldn't want to fuck a black chick either."
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Horace bubba (OP)

User ID: 870388
United States
05/18/2011 02:18 AM

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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream?

A: Crib Death.
The Devil would never go down to Georgia.

Eeew.
Captain T./Dunkelheit
User ID: 1439623
United States
06/23/2011 02:27 PM
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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
So this baby Harp seal walks into a club...
 Quoting: Horace bubba



:colorbump:


I smiled at that. Though its a sick joke xD
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1544354
United States
09/11/2011 03:55 AM
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Re: I bet none of you missed me, did you?
You were missed by your partners in madness. We gots some aliens to catch!

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