I bet none of you missed me, did you?

Umm...you were gone?

Like where did you go?

So Hilda and Margaret are riding their bikes through town one night, and it was beginning to get dark.

Hilda says, "Margaret, I'm nervous. I've never come this way before."

Margaret says, "It'll be okay, Hilda, it's just the cobblestones."

So this baby Harp seal walks into a club...

So this guy is sitting on the city bus, and notices a beautiful woman sitting across from him... and she isn't wearing any panties.

He looks up and notices he's been caught staring.

He says, "Hey, I'm sorry, it's just that you're beautiful and and not wearing panties, and I couldn't help myself."

She says, "Hey, that's okay. You wanna see it do a few tricks?"

He says, "Well, sure!"

She says, "Watch, I'll make it wink at you!"

Sure as shit, as she lifts her skirt and spreads her legs, it winks at him!

"That's amazing!", He says.

She says, "Wanna see it blow you a kiss?"

He says, "Sure!"

Sure as shit, it blows him a kiss!

She says, "Wanna stick your fingers in it?" as she looks around nervously.

He says, "No shit! It whistles too?!"

Last Edited by Horace bubba on 05/18/2011 01:20 AM

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

So this guy walks into a restaurant and looks at their menu.

Ham sandwich - $2.50

BLT - $3.72

Handjob - $5.00

He says to the waitress behind the counter, "Excuse me miss, are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Why, yes, I am." she says, as she smiles seductively.

He says, "Good. Go wash your hands, I want a BLT."

Thats horrible.....I love it.

So this little girl is taking a shower with her father one day. Her gaze halts about midway up before asking:

"Daddy, when am I going to get one of those?" she says while looking down at herself.

"Right after mommy goes to the store." He replies.

So one night, a drunk stumbles out of a bar.

He sees a nun standing at a bus stop across the street.

He shambles over to her and punches her in the teeth, while screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you Batman!"

Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

A: Gagged.

Q: What do 1,000 battered women have in common?

A: None of them will shut up and listen.

Two hillbillies were walking down a country lane. Up ahead they saw a dog sitting in the middle of the road, licking its balls.

One hillbilly turns to the other and says, "Boy, wouldn't you love to be able to do that?"

The other hillbilly replies, "Sure, but I'm afraid he'll bite me."

Q: Why did God give women yeast infections?

A: So they can know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

:eeek55:

lol

So a priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench one morning.

The priest sees an eight year old boy running by.

The priest says, "Hey, see that little boy? Wanna screw him?"

The rabbi looks the boy up and down, then turns to the priest and says, "Outta what?"

Q: What do you call a uy with no arms and legs on your doorstep?
A: Matt.

A guy's screwing this girl.

She says, "Excuse me, but isn't it a bit presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date?"

"Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a first grader to be using?"

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?
A: Bob.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of dead leaves?
A: Russell.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on a wall?
A: Art.

This guy walks into a bar down in Texas and orders a white wine.

Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here. Where you from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist ... what the hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount dead animals."

The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"


For some reason, I keep wanting to place the bar in Australia.

Go figure.

Q: What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs against a wall?

A: Ilene.

A cop pulls a motorist over using a radar gun and asks the motorist, "Buddy, do have any God dam idea how fast you were going?"

The man replied, "No sir, you have the radar gun, you tell me."

"You were going 70 mph in a 55 mph zone! You're gonna now have to pay a huge fine and look at you, it looks like you haven't had a job in years. You look like a bum!" the cop screamed.

The motorist the replied, "Why I have a great job! I'm a cunt stretcher."

"A WHAT?" the cop asked.

"I'm a cunt stretcher" the man said. "I first put my finger inside a woman's cunt and then I put another in, then another, then my whole hand, then both hands, until eventually she has a six foot cunt."

The cop looked aghast.

"What the HELL is a person gonna do with a six foot cunt, boy?"

The motorist then replied, "Give him a radar gun and hide him behind a billboard."

A black man walks into a bar and says, "I have a twelve inch dick, and I like to fuck white women with it."

A drunk at the other end of the bar said, "Hey, I wouldn't want to fuck a black chick either."

Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream?

A: Crib Death.

:colorbump:


I smiled at that. Though its a sick joke xD

You were missed by your partners in madness. We gots some aliens to catch!