HOW MANY CHURCH FOLK DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB ?? Quoting: Lisa*Lisa
As compiled, embellished and added to by Mike Morrill of Bowdoin, Maine
Jesus People: Many are willing. Hands already in the air.
Presbyterians: The Session will determine the exact number, and through the Reformed sacrament of light bulb changing, God will seal us in our light bulb changing service, renew our identity as the light bulb people of God, and will mark us for further light bulb changing service that will manifest the grace of God to the world.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
The Evangelical Free Church of America: Depends. We believe in liberty with responsibility and accountability, therefore changing the light bulb must be accomplished as one sees fit in the Lord, but this freedom always has its limitations and should not be abused such as changing the entire building’s light bulbs at one sitting.
Seeker-sensitive: Varied. We do not wish to make you uncomfortable by presenting dogmatic and highly charged assertions about proper light bulb changing methods that may have turned you off in your past light bulb changing experiences. Please come and join us for a relaxed, informal, friendly atmosphere in hopes of turning you on to becoming a purpose-driven light bulb changer.
Roman Catholic: None. Vatican II dictated candles only.
Southern Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Charismatic: We don’t replace bulbs, we heal them through the five-fold ministry of light bulb changing – can I get a witness?
Four-Square: Four, of course. One to speak in a light-bulb changing language, one to interpret to English, one to discern whether these were the correct instructions and one to change the bulb.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
Calvary Chapels: As many as the Spirit may lead. We always seek a sound, balanced approach regarding the issue of changing light bulbs. We do not want to veer into the excesses of other groups’ light bulb changing experiences, but we also don’t want to deny the existence of miraculous light bulb changing methods. Not being a denomination, any Calvary Chapel may change light bulbs as long as it is not in direct conflict with the Word or Calvary Chapel’s distinctives.
Post-modern/Emergent church: Up to you to figure it out. The old ways of changing light bulbs no longer apply. The society you now live in is not ‘your grandfather’s light bulb’, so adapt and find the best way to be relevant to today’s Gen-X and Gen-Y light bulb changers or find yourself the one being replaced..
United Pentecostal Church: Every member must. The ability to change a light bulb is THE evidence of being a genuine light bulb changer. And all light bulb changing activities must be done in Jesus’ name only.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need to change the light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulb changing works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb changing experience for next Sunday’s service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring the bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Word of Faith: We all can. After being slain in the Spirit at a Holy Ghost revival meeting, God hears our faith-filled words spoken to the light bulb. God must obey the force of faith and light the bulb up again. Just keep repeating “I am a little light-bulb changer, I am a little light-bulb changer.”
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: One. And we want it known we are “protesting” the use of candles by the Catholics.
Independent, Fundamental Baptists: None. We haven’t changed since the 1950’s, let alone a light bulb.
Arminians: “Whosoever will” can change the light bulb at any time they freely so choose to change it.
Calvinists: None. If God wants a light bulb changed, then He will change it. All our efforts are in vain until such time as His sovereign grace changes the elect light bulb.
Dispensationalists: As many as it takes. The church age is the proper dispensation in which to change light bulbs, as long the consistent, literal instruction for light bulb changing is adhered to.
Covenant Theology: Only one. There has only been one light socket throughout history and the promise of light applying to all bulbs, whether they were part of the socket of works under our first lighting fixtures or under the socket of grace which the bulb now enjoys in the one light socket of God.
KJV-only crowd: 1611 of course. And we will insist that the light bulb arrives with an “AV” stamp of approval marked on it. We will not accept any light bulbs from Alexandria, neither those marked with an NASB, NIV, ESV, NKJV, TLB, NLT or RSV.
Full Preterists: None. All light bulbs were replaced by 70AD.
Partial Preterists: Not totally sure. Most light bulbs were replaced by 70 AD, but a few light bulbs remain to be replaced.
Amillennial: Although we don’t believe in a literal light bulb, we do believe in a future where The Light will reign and shine forever.
Post-Millennial: None. We believe that the light bulb is getting better and better all the time.
Pre-Tribbers: One. But, in the twinkling of an eye, all lit light bulbs will be taken to heaven for seven years. There will however be 144,000 Jewish light bulbs here on earth bringing other light bulbs to a lit condition. The light bulbs in heaven return at the end of the seven years to stay lit for 1000 years.
Legalists: 100. One to change the light bulb and 99 to monitor that the person changing the light bulb is a man who has not sold out to the flesh, his hair is short and neatly trimmed, wears a white shirt with a coat and tie to church, does not watch TV, go to movies, dance, smoke or drink alcohol, does not listen to pop/rock/country/jazz music and is not dating a worldly woman.
Amish: What's a light bulb?