Wide awake, can't sleep.

You are very welcome my dear! The joy has been mine <3 Random acts of kindness are something we all should do more often!

Good evening :). How encouraging you are!! I feel the strength of the Lord from inside of me upon reading your beautiful words! Every last word I read has touched my heart today. I even went up to my mother and gave her a huge hug after she made some dinner for us. The Lord is definitely pushing me to talk to her!!! And you have MOTIVATED me beyond any sort of doubt in my head about the subject. You have a motherly insight that has deeply affected me positively. The topic of my mom is such a hard subject for me to talk about and I have never had ANYONE to discuss such things with (besides God, which is still hard)...your perspective on the matter is surely motivational!!! I know I will be able to achieve the humility to talk to her, to open my mind to her, to be CLOSER with her. I love her with all my soul, I respect her with all my heart, why is this the hardest thing I have ever had to do???????

I want you to know another thing. My family cherishes me beyond any sort of worldy love. I have been blessed and fortunate to have been raised in a household and family that is centered around LOVE (GOD). My grandmother is the dearest person in my heart to me. I feel that I will be more comfortable talking to her first about this...she called me the other day and for the FIRST time ever asked me to pray for her (She was the person who implanted the seed of faith inside of me, her actions personify Jesus )!!!! I was astounded and I did, I think God is telling her about my new-found faith. Today, in the mail, before I went to school, my Gparents sent me a letter!! Saying good luck, how proud they are of me, and THANK you for praying for my grandma. With all this love in my family, I hope you understand why it is tough on me to talk about things like God. I really was a malicious teenager, evil really. Obsessed with a girl that tore me away from my life, never cared about school, I hated the name of God. I hated my families church friends...I am ashamed. But there you go...I know my family will forgive me just like God did!!! I am confident I will talk to them, and I promise I will let you know the day.

Anyway, school was great! I had a sociology of gender class today. It is looking to be an interesting subject. I am a very outgoing person but I tend to be quiet in class, I think I am going to ask God to help me speak up in class more because I am charismatic after all. Oh! And this wonderful girl I took out on a date a while back was reintroduced to me! I know she is not like the other *psycho* girls I have been interested in. I know satan likes to use the opposite sex to steer us away from God, so this will be my first approach to a girl with the help of God (if I decide to pursue her interest).

So yeah, once again THANK you for the reply sunshine. I hope to hear from you very soon (tonight!). I feel weird talking about myself so much, I'd like to know a little about you!!!!!!!! :P. Much love, dearest *new* friend.



Last Edited by EazyD on 09/12/2011 10:11 PM

YAY! I am SO proud of you! Congrats on an awesome first day and congrats on the confidence that is evident in your post! I am SO happy for you!

I am also so happy that you have a loving family! You asked why is it so hard to talk to your mom, well, I can probably answer that for you because when I was a teen and into my early twenties I was a way-ward soul. I was a Christian and grounded in my beliefs/faith however my mom and I didn't see eye to eye at all. I got into a lot of trouble and was lucky to have never been in legal trouble but I was a *bad girl* for several years.

From a personal perspective I have always had trouble telling my mom when i've done something wrong or transgressed her because she is my mom. I want her to be proud of me. I don't want her expectations of me to change. I don't want to damage the way she views me.

Telling someone you were wrong and made a mistake is a very, very humbling experience. It is a big part of growing up though and becoming the person you are suppose to be. Some people never master humility, to others it comes easy. It's never, ever easy to tell someone you made a mistake, plain and simple. When it's your mom, it's 10 times harder!

The great part though is that it's your mother! She has had x number of years to love you unconditionally and your approaching her to tell her this amazing thing is not going to cause her to love you any differently, if anything she will love you even MORE! Being a mom is one of the hardest things a woman will ever do. We get crapped on, pee'd on, puked on, bit, hit, slapped, pushed, kicked and the list goes on and on but we still love our children unconditionally because like Jesus said on the cross, "Father forgive them for they know not what they have done!". Mothers love in this way, it is unconditional, it is forever and it is unchanging. I believe that your time as a malicious teenager didn't changer her love for you. I believe that the greatest gift you can EVER give your mom is your going to her, hugging her and telling her "I love Jesus and i'm sorry for anything i've ever done to hurt you". Those words will open your heart, they will open hers, tears will likely flow like a river and the healing can begin.

Not only will your talking to your mom heal her, it will heal you! You no longer will feel ashamed, you no longer will feel like you have hurt her, you will not only be right with her, you will be right with God and that is something absolutely WONDERFUL!!

I am so excited for you and so very proud of you because just in the past two days I have witnessed you grow in your faith, in your confidence and in your trust in the Lord and His will for you! I am SO glad that I have motivated you and made a positive impact on your life I can't tell you how much joy that gives me!

I am so happy you hugged your mom today! I bet she was surprised and I bet it made her day absolutely amazing! She probably thought about it all day long and cherished the moment!

Don't keep beating yourself up for the past. You can't change the past. All you can do is move forward and learn to not repeat past actions. SEe, in life all we have control over is this very second. Not this minute, not this hour, not this day. Tomorrow will happen as it should and we have NO control over it today. It's time to give yourself a gift, let the worry go, hand it over to God and let Him worry. Ya know when we ask God for forgiveness He doesn't forgive us and keep track of what wrongs we have done and that He has forgiven. Those wrongs and wiped away and He doesn't hold them over our heads. The hard part is forgiving ourselves. I think that is what you are struggling with right now. You need to forgive yourself so you can move forward and continue to grow on this journey. It took me years to grasp that. It isn't easy but it's something you have to do <3

I think once you can forgive yourself you will see a whole new you, I am already seeing a new you, just since your first post! I LOVE it!

Sweetheart, life is short. Time passes so quickly and we never know when our time here will end. Two things I have learned that are life lessons to live by...
1. Never go to bed mad at someone. Always apologize because tomorrow you may not get the chance. This goes hand in hand with always tell those you love that you love them everyday.
2. Always do something nice for someone when you can because tomorrow you may not be able to.

So here is a little more insight into what makes me tick...
Everyday I try to practice random acts of kindness. I take my mom and grandma flowers at least once every two weeks. If i'm out and see something special for someone I love, I get it for them and don't think twice. This is me. Always has been and I love it! I love doing nice things for people. It's why I became a nurse. I have a compassionate soul and love helping people, I love making people happy and sharing the gifts that God has given me. Everything we have in this life is because He has brought it to us. So I try to be thankful everyday for everything I have.

I haven't had an easy life. I tend to travel the windy curvy road that is full of potholes. I look at adversity as a challenge and I love challenges. I try to live a humble life. I don't need material things to make me happy. I allow God to be in the drivers seat of my life everyday! When I think life is hard, I look around me and realize that it's just a perception. There are many, many people who have it much, much worse than I do and who would give their souls for half of what I have. My glass is half full, not half empty even in my darkest hours. I understand that only I have control over my emotions. If I allow someone else to make me mad, I have given my control to them. I try to treat others with loving kindness and to love everyone the way I think Jesus would love them which is unconditionally. I accept others regardless of race, sexual orientation and religion, etc. Bottom line, we all are different and that is what makes the world interesting. Now if everyone could just get along, the world would be wonderful! LOL.

Well, I have rambled long enough. Take some time to process this and respond. My life is a fairly open book so if there is something particular you want to know just ask :) Hopefully this post makes sense, I rarely go back and re-read what I write so hopefully it flows, LOL.

Hugs my friend and super excited on so many levels for you! And as for the girl you met today, give it to God and He will guide you <3

Ah, well at least you are getting some sleep even if it is interrupted. Resting the mind for no matter how long is a good thing. And I appreciate the thoughtfulness of wanting to respond quicker. It is better that you take care of yourself and your family. I shall be here when the moon rises and the stars shine.

I could tell that you were a writer even if it's not done for profession. You have a wonderful way with words that I so enjoy. <3. I myself write mostly poetic because while I can manipulate imagery the dialogue always is my stumbling block. Accurate dialogue that isn't centered around your own voice is difficult to do. Would you like to share something you wrote? Or maybe write a short poem to spark your creativity? ;] I have to confess, I haven't written in a while either, but I tend to have this long conversations which exercises the muscles.

I can find that some of my dreams being deja vu-ish to be a bit accurate. I had another one last night which involved this woman who i would consider my dream witch. I'll post it at the end. Anyway, my dreams normally fall into two categories. Either they are the ones i describe about the feeling of them as if almost being in the ether. Or they are movies in that when I have a movie dream it is incredibly high paced and fun but I don't feel the consequences of the destruction. I've had alien invasion dreams, war dreams, zombie and chase dreams. All of which don't really hold in my mind after i wake up. It's why they aren't important to me. It's just my mind giving me some entertainment when I sleep. I also have mundane dreams that fall into this category. You know the simplicities like having a conversation with somebody or going on a date. Still enjoyable but uneventful and forgettable.

As for what they mean...well we dream to prepare our minds for certain situations and events. So we can have a grasp on how to handle them calmly because we've experienced them. They also are used for building an idea or getting inside of a problem, but you are right. The subconscious mind can't just come out with the words to tell unless you are an avid lucid dreamer (which I don't practice). So it has to bombard you with imagery that it deems to be provocative to the current issue. Though like I said, I don't think every dream is meaningful.

And yes, the mind is an amazing design and machine. It is so complex that we can not figure out ways to fix it, but it also able to bring about great change in a short amount of time as long as you believe. Which is why I will always say perception = reality. People who take sugar pills recover from sickness just like those who take actual medicine. It is regrettable that we've been conditioned to think of this as wrong. That we should rely solely on others for help when everyone's mind is capable of miraculous things. I've had the same thoughts about people who suffer from mental issues. Who's to say what they see isn't just their mind reacting towards a higher level of consciousness. Sometimes it is too extreme for them to handle and so for the most part they put them on drugs to control those thoughts. But it's hard to study as leaving people who really need help without help can be incredibly dangerous. A fine line we walk when dealing with the mind. So fragile yet so strong. It can break with a single word, or be empowered to achieve the impossible with a single vision. Have you ever had an experiences with patients that made you think they were connected on a higher level?

It is wild, because not only do we all as humans dream. But most animals dream also. It has to be important if most creatures continue to do it. Might be a way the mind connects to the consciousness of the universe as we are all connected. Maybe dreams are so deep and surreal because we witness things that other people see and feel. Who knows.

But I will get to my dream, and yes i did sleep quite soundly.

So I awake in my apartment (which is strange because it's part of two things I rarely do. Dream about my current residence and dream about awaking at home). I walk to my back door and open it to see a woman's face. She looked so familiar but the beginning part of the dream was hazy admittedly. We talked briefly but I couldn't remember it even upon waking up. All that I feel was it was a remembrance conversation. We were together again catching up. As the dream progressed I started to see her face more clearly. It was the same feeling that I had with the other dreams about this witch (the only reason I call her a witch is because it feels like she is her own being inside of my mind. Not that she has control, but that she is independent of my thoughts). When i realize it is her I immediately hugged her and she started to cry. We talked outside and she told me about this relationship she had with this man, how he abused her and kept her locked away (interpretation). As we talked she showed me pictures he had sent her on her phone. They were crude and tasteless in the sexting variety. She even showed how he had photos of her doing things to her. The embarrassment she felt was etched on her face. I took her by the hand and we went into my back stair case. I looked her in the eyes and told her i loved her and that it didn't matter. That i would protect her from him at all costs. Then I kissed her softly twice. At that moment he arrived outside of my house unhinged by the back door. She was frightened, but didn't want me to attack him. She told me to go to the basement. I didn't want to do it, but I listened. As i went into the basement and crawled under some junk he kicked in the door, screaming for her. He stalked his way thru her apartment and for the first time in a long time I felt a sort of fear in my dream. It was a sort of fear like when you have to fight in a dream but you know you won't be able to win. Then I said to myself clear as day " What are you doing, go help her you fool". And in that instance all the fear dissipated. I ran up my stairs into my apartment and grabbed one of my swords, a katana(I do own swords, hate guns, love Asian culture). I ran back down the stairs and he was facing me, he looked insane but had a sadness on his face. But he tried to harm her, so I stabbed him on the right side of his chest. She came out of her apartment and looked on. No words were spoken, but he gave off this feeling of regret and then fell. I turned to her and we embraced and then I woke up.

Was kind of long winded and i tried to remember as many details as possible. It was one of those dreams that felt surreal, but still real. One of those dreams that had feeling, not necessarily meaning. But I still would love to get your thoughts on what it meant. <3333

Hope all is going well with you otherwise, sunshine. ;]

Ah, well at least you are getting some sleep even if it is interrupted. Resting the mind for no matter how long is a good thing. And I appreciate the thoughtfulness of wanting to respond quicker. It is better that you take care of yourself and your family. I shall be here when the moon rises and the stars shine.

I could tell that you were a writer even if it's not done for profession. You have a wonderful way with words that I so enjoy. <3. I myself write mostly poetic because while I can manipulate imagery the dialogue always is my stumbling block. Accurate dialogue that isn't centered around your own voice is difficult to do. Would you like to share something you wrote? Or maybe write a short poem to spark your creativity? ;] I have to confess, I haven't written in a while either, but I tend to have this long conversations which exercises the muscles.

I can find that some of my dreams being deja vu-ish to be a bit accurate. I had another one last night which involved this woman who i would consider my dream witch. I'll post it at the end. Anyway, my dreams normally fall into two categories. Either they are the ones i describe about the feeling of them as if almost being in the ether. Or they are movies in that when I have a movie dream it is incredibly high paced and fun but I don't feel the consequences of the destruction. I've had alien invasion dreams, war dreams, zombie and chase dreams. All of which don't really hold in my mind after i wake up. It's why they aren't important to me. It's just my mind giving me some entertainment when I sleep. I also have mundane dreams that fall into this category. You know the simplicities like having a conversation with somebody or going on a date. Still enjoyable but uneventful and forgettable.

As for what they mean...well we dream to prepare our minds for certain situations and events. So we can have a grasp on how to handle them calmly because we've experienced them. They also are used for building an idea or getting inside of a problem, but you are right. The subconscious mind can't just come out with the words to tell unless you are an avid lucid dreamer (which I don't practice). So it has to bombard you with imagery that it deems to be provocative to the current issue. Though like I said, I don't think every dream is meaningful.

And yes, the mind is an amazing design and machine. It is so complex that we can not figure out ways to fix it, but it also able to bring about great change in a short amount of time as long as you believe. Which is why I will always say perception = reality. People who take sugar pills recover from sickness just like those who take actual medicine. It is regrettable that we've been conditioned to think of this as wrong. That we should rely solely on others for help when everyone's mind is capable of miraculous things. I've had the same thoughts about people who suffer from mental issues. Who's to say what they see isn't just their mind reacting towards a higher level of consciousness. Sometimes it is too extreme for them to handle and so for the most part they put them on drugs to control those thoughts. But it's hard to study as leaving people who really need help without help can be incredibly dangerous. A fine line we walk when dealing with the mind. So fragile yet so strong. It can break with a single word, or be empowered to achieve the impossible with a single vision. Have you ever had an experiences with patients that made you think they were connected on a higher level?

It is wild, because not only do we all as humans dream. But most animals dream also. It has to be important if most creatures continue to do it. Might be a way the mind connects to the consciousness of the universe as we are all connected. Maybe dreams are so deep and surreal because we witness things that other people see and feel. Who knows.

But I will get to my dream, and yes i did sleep quite soundly.

So I awake in my apartment (which is strange because it's part of two things I rarely do. Dream about my current residence and dream about awaking at home). I walk to my back door and open it to see a woman's face. She looked so familiar but the beginning part of the dream was hazy admittedly. We talked briefly but I couldn't remember it even upon waking up. All that I feel was it was a remembrance conversation. We were together again catching up. As the dream progressed I started to see her face more clearly. It was the same feeling that I had with the other dreams about this witch (the only reason I call her a witch is because it feels like she is her own being inside of my mind. Not that she has control, but that she is independent of my thoughts). When i realize it is her I immediately hugged her and she started to cry. We talked outside and she told me about this relationship she had with this man, how he abused her and kept her locked away (interpretation). As we talked she showed me pictures he had sent her on her phone. They were crude and tasteless in the sexting variety. She even showed how he had photos of her doing things to her. The embarrassment she felt was etched on her face. I took her by the hand and we went into my back stair case. I looked her in the eyes and told her i loved her and that it didn't matter. That i would protect her from him at all costs. Then I kissed her softly twice. At that moment he arrived outside of my house unhinged by the back door. She was frightened, but didn't want me to attack him. She told me to go to the basement. I didn't want to do it, but I listened. As i went into the basement and crawled under some junk he kicked in the door, screaming for her. He stalked his way thru her apartment and for the first time in a long time I felt a sort of fear in my dream. It was a sort of fear like when you have to fight in a dream but you know you won't be able to win. Then I said to myself clear as day " What are you doing, go help her you fool". And in that instance all the fear dissipated. I ran up my stairs into my apartment and grabbed one of my swords, a katana(I do own swords, hate guns, love Asian culture). I ran back down the stairs and he was facing me, he looked insane but had a sadness on his face. But he tried to harm her, so I stabbed him on the right side of his chest. She came out of her apartment and looked on. No words were spoken, but he gave off this feeling of regret and then fell. I turned to her and we embraced and then I woke up.

Was kind of long winded and i tried to remember as many details as possible. It was one of those dreams that felt surreal, but still real. One of those dreams that had feeling, not necessarily meaning. But I still would love to get your thoughts on what it meant. <3333

Hope all is going well with you otherwise, sunshine. ;]


Hello lovey!

Yay, I am SO glad you slept! Sleep is so good and underrated. It's really an important factor in life.

Your dream was/is very interesting. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. Seemed like a Hollywood movie of sorts. What I did find interesting is that I have been waking from sleep and running to my back door and you answered your back door. Not that the two are related, however just interesting non the less since I mentioned it so I wonder if the backdoor thing came into play because of your subconscious from a discussion we had? Just a though :) As for the girl, I wonder if she is like a spirit guide for you since she is in many of your dreams. It is possible that she is someone you loved in a past life if you believe in that, reincarnation. Someone you have a soul connection with. It is interesting that you experienced fear and possibly panic in your dream but didn't have a sleep paralysis moment. Usually when I have something I like I wake up and can't move. Scares the crap out of me because of what I see in the room surrounding me. Once it passes it's ok but for those few moments it is enough to take my breath away from fear, LOL.

I haven't been able to really remember my dreams for a week or so. I think it's my meds. They mess with everything. LOL.

I think it's cute that you have nicknamed me sunshine, that has been a nickname of mine for a long time actually <3 Maybe we are kindred spirits? :)

Ok, so some examples of my writing, let's see...here is a silly little rhyming story one I wrote for my kids, they think it's hysterical...


Snoring sid snored so loud he kept the town awake.

Everyone would run and hide when the ground began to shake.

He tried all things to stop his snoring but nothing helped stop the roaring.

SNNNNOOOORR rattle rattle SNNNNOOOORRRR

He taped his nose to his toes, he even tried breathing through a garden hose.

He slept upside down and right side up but nothing helped the poor schlump.

SNNNNOOORRR rattle rattle SNNNNOOOORRRR

He saw doctors from the east, doctors from the west, doctors that were the worst and doctors that were the best.

No one knew how to help snoring sid, he’d been like this since he was a kid.

Over the years he tried jellies and creams and crazy schemes

Like driving 100 mph while singing and dancing and smelling a flower.

But nothing worked.

SNNNOOOOORRR rattle rattle SNNNNNOOOORRR

He had given up there was no hope he felt like he was at the end of his rope

Until he met a man named Snuggs who gave everyone in town ear plugs.

The town still shakes the ground still quakes but now at night no ones awake.

SNNNOOOORRRRR rattle rattle SNSNNNOOORRR


And here is a very short snippet of a fiction novel i'm working on from a dream I had a few months ago...

It was cold. Probably the coldest night I’d experienced in my entire life. The street was wet from the rain and the night sky was pitch black, barren without a single twinkling star. Every time I’d exhale, smoke filled the air around my mouth, temporarily warming my lips then quickly fading back to cold until my next breath.


As for poetry, I don't have any accessible right now. My computer dumped last year and I still need to get everything off my backup drive which is where a lot of my stuff is. I've also had a few article published online and done some freelance work. It's really though more of something I enjoy vs. something I do to make money. If I could get a book series published/contracted that would be fab but i'm content just writing for my pleasure and that of my family. I write a lot of silly stories for my kids.

Now it's your turn to shine love <3

Oh and btw, how was your day? Mind was chaotic to say the least. LOL. Oh well, go figure. :)

You need vitamin B. Eat whole wheat everyday

Might be sensitive to white sugar, and its acting like a stimulant, cut that out of your diet.

On whole wheat and zero white sugar I promise youll fall asleep easier within minutes

Thanks hun I appreciate the suggestions :) We maintain a high raw diet and stay away from white flour/sugar/etc as much as possible. I will look into getting a vitamin b supplement tomorrow <3

Indeed, sleep is undervalued by most today. As for how my day went, it was quite peaceful really. No work at the moment so much of it was spent quietly and reading. I'm quite the bore most of the time lol. Nothing wrong with a little bit of chaos as long as you're still smiling. Or are you speaking of some particular chaos ;]. Oh, I meant to ask you...How serious is the surgery that you require?

I do find myself influenced by others when dreaming. Not always in a direct way though. 70% of the time it is simply my mind opening up when it is stimulated. And you've certainly did that. I do find it interesting also as I don't think I've ever had a dream involving my current backyard/door or basement. I would rule out spirit guide as she doesn't lead me anywhere though I wouldn't say it is impossible as she changes her form but her feeling stays the same and unique to her. It may just be my mind expanding but I just feel like she is real some place. Whether that is some place in time, in this dimension or in another. She can be violent (never to me) but the love we share in the dream is deep. Too deep to be forgotten. Hopefully one day I can be lucid in a dream so i can speak to her directly only to figure out what is the purpose. ;].

I've only had sleep paralysis a handful of times in my life, never waking from a dream though. Also before I really go under. The only time I felt the dream world coming through was a decade ago. Felt this soft pressure on my back and a girl weeping. Really depressing feeling. And yes, medicine will do that to ya. It's one reason I normally refuse to take any. I have had constant dreams (2-3 a night) for the last 8 years. I would be heartbroken if I couldn't remember them. But I am sure they will come back to you <3333. I normally use three nicknames for people I feel a strong connection with. Love, sunshine and Angel. You fit all three so giving you one now seemed right ;]. I don't think it's going out on a limb to say we are kindred. We share a lot in common and hold similar principles and values. Tis nice. <3

I really liked your writing. I'm not surprised your kids loved the first because it indeed put a smile on my face. The second is very atmospheric though I wish there was more so i could get a grasp on the idea. Still you have talent. Sucks about your poetry or lack there of with your computer. That really is a terrible thing to have happen. I had this one poem I wrote that I found to be brilliant (I don't normally find what I write to be that good). And one day it was gone, no back up, no save point. Took me 8 hours to write and had emotion behind it. But maybe it's better that it is lost to time. As for my writing, I'll give you a little sample. Both are from the same overall piece just different styles.

"As the sun slowly rises above the horizon I can feel the pull of the ocean’s tide on me. That what keeps us safe can also cause our end. I see you stumble next to the frost covered grass that lies beneath me. Collapsing to your knees exhausted. The night has been rough and you shall go on. The rest you seek is not to be had here. We must move. Our palms softly clinch at each other, fingers entangle, and you sigh softly. Standing up I help lift you up as you have done for me in the past. And we continue onward. The path was never clear but you continued on only knowing me as a hollow shadow that blanketed you at every step. And so we walked. Over the bristling frost tipped shoots of green vegetation that softened under our feet as the rays of light painted the sky a vibrate blue. Both our eyes gazed at its glory knowing that for now we shall have to leave it. You will find the path, but we must not stay in the light for long. As your core slowly bubbles with the fire burning we turn down the road that blocks the star above. A trail hidden by the dead leaves of winter, brown and undisturbed for ages. Not having seen the passing of souls around them for lifetimes, they come alive. Seemingly dancing around us as a gust of wind increases in speed, as if in a trace by the sight of what we possess. I mumble to myself as you lead me through this forest of death. An eerie sound can be heard coming from a friend in the trees. An old owl, feathers ruffled from a endless winter beckons us to join him. Sit in the trees forever watching what could be wander haplessly into the grasps of the roots. "


Second is a piece of poetry inside of the story. Reading it back it doesn't come off as good as the first time i wrote it. Might need to revise it a bit.

"Rhythmic in my timing, blinded by the shining, enlightened by the rhyming, so exquisite was my mind.

All the devils tricks, leaves my feelings in conflicts, I struggled to exist, so exquisite was my mind.

No breech of beaches fading, no sea is seen escaping, no piece of peace remaining, so exquisite was my mind.

A Street dark and cobbled, the beats experienced hobbled, my soul began to grovel, so exquisite was my mind.

The fight of dark embraces, a spark of sight amazes, so bright it arcs my gazes, so exquisite was my mind.

Confusion of words entangled, silent thoughts mangled, cautious as I angled, so exquisite was my mind.

Soothing kisses touching, softly envelope my rushing, quickly stopped the clutching, so exquisite was my mind.

Inside her chest still pulsing, a feeling all engulfing, a heart needing exposing, so exquisite was my mind.

Lost in the oceans, tides stirring the potion, a sharks fin slowly motions, so exquisite was my mind.

Over mountains sky’s lightning, deserted docks fears frightening, touched by God’s brightening, so exquisite was my mind

Veering into action, strapped into a faction, of warriors sown with deadly traction, so exquisite was my mind.

Ever tear you shed, caught in my soul embeds, my time is up a head, so exquisite was my mind.

You never realized love, until it flew high with doves, angel’s wings above, so exquisite was my mind.

Optimistic with hope, how our love has always coped, because of lather from holy soap so exquisite was my mind

Undying my love for you, for all you’ve done is true, allowed me to follow you, so exquisite is your mind."

I kind of felt like writing something else, but I'll leave it at this for now. ;] Hope you enjoy.

Indeed, sleep is undervalued by most today. As for how my day went, it was quite peaceful really. No work at the moment so much of it was spent quietly and reading. I'm quite the bore most of the time lol. Nothing wrong with a little bit of chaos as long as you're still smiling. Or are you speaking of some particular chaos ;]. Oh, I meant to ask you...How serious is the surgery that you require?

I do find myself influenced by others when dreaming. Not always in a direct way though. 70% of the time it is simply my mind opening up when it is stimulated. And you've certainly did that. I do find it interesting also as I don't think I've ever had a dream involving my current backyard/door or basement. I would rule out spirit guide as she doesn't lead me anywhere though I wouldn't say it is impossible as she changes her form but her feeling stays the same and unique to her. It may just be my mind expanding but I just feel like she is real some place. Whether that is some place in time, in this dimension or in another. She can be violent (never to me) but the love we share in the dream is deep. Too deep to be forgotten. Hopefully one day I can be lucid in a dream so i can speak to her directly only to figure out what is the purpose. ;].

I've only had sleep paralysis a handful of times in my life, never waking from a dream though. Also before I really go under. The only time I felt the dream world coming through was a decade ago. Felt this soft pressure on my back and a girl weeping. Really depressing feeling. And yes, medicine will do that to ya. It's one reason I normally refuse to take any. I have had constant dreams (2-3 a night) for the last 8 years. I would be heartbroken if I couldn't remember them. But I am sure they will come back to you <3333. I normally use three nicknames for people I feel a strong connection with. Love, sunshine and Angel. You fit all three so giving you one now seemed right ;]. I don't think it's going out on a limb to say we are kindred. We share a lot in common and hold similar principles and values. Tis nice. <3

I really liked your writing. I'm not surprised your kids loved the first because it indeed put a smile on my face. The second is very atmospheric though I wish there was more so i could get a grasp on the idea. Still you have talent. Sucks about your poetry or lack there of with your computer. That really is a terrible thing to have happen. I had this one poem I wrote that I found to be brilliant (I don't normally find what I write to be that good). And one day it was gone, no back up, no save point. Took me 8 hours to write and had emotion behind it. But maybe it's better that it is lost to time. As for my writing, I'll give you a little sample. Both are from the same overall piece just different styles.

"As the sun slowly rises above the horizon I can feel the pull of the ocean’s tide on me. That what keeps us safe can also cause our end. I see you stumble next to the frost covered grass that lies beneath me. Collapsing to your knees exhausted. The night has been rough and you shall go on. The rest you seek is not to be had here. We must move. Our palms softly clinch at each other, fingers entangle, and you sigh softly. Standing up I help lift you up as you have done for me in the past. And we continue onward. The path was never clear but you continued on only knowing me as a hollow shadow that blanketed you at every step. And so we walked. Over the bristling frost tipped shoots of green vegetation that softened under our feet as the rays of light painted the sky a vibrate blue. Both our eyes gazed at its glory knowing that for now we shall have to leave it. You will find the path, but we must not stay in the light for long. As your core slowly bubbles with the fire burning we turn down the road that blocks the star above. A trail hidden by the dead leaves of winter, brown and undisturbed for ages. Not having seen the passing of souls around them for lifetimes, they come alive. Seemingly dancing around us as a gust of wind increases in speed, as if in a trace by the sight of what we possess. I mumble to myself as you lead me through this forest of death. An eerie sound can be heard coming from a friend in the trees. An old owl, feathers ruffled from a endless winter beckons us to join him. Sit in the trees forever watching what could be wander haplessly into the grasps of the roots. "


Second is a piece of poetry inside of the story. Reading it back it doesn't come off as good as the first time i wrote it. Might need to revise it a bit.

"Rhythmic in my timing, blinded by the shining, enlightened by the rhyming, so exquisite was my mind.

All the devils tricks, leaves my feelings in conflicts, I struggled to exist, so exquisite was my mind.

No breech of beaches fading, no sea is seen escaping, no piece of peace remaining, so exquisite was my mind.

A Street dark and cobbled, the beats experienced hobbled, my soul began to grovel, so exquisite was my mind.

The fight of dark embraces, a spark of sight amazes, so bright it arcs my gazes, so exquisite was my mind.

Confusion of words entangled, silent thoughts mangled, cautious as I angled, so exquisite was my mind.

Soothing kisses touching, softly envelope my rushing, quickly stopped the clutching, so exquisite was my mind.

Inside her chest still pulsing, a feeling all engulfing, a heart needing exposing, so exquisite was my mind.

Lost in the oceans, tides stirring the potion, a sharks fin slowly motions, so exquisite was my mind.

Over mountains sky’s lightning, deserted docks fears frightening, touched by God’s brightening, so exquisite was my mind

Veering into action, strapped into a faction, of warriors sown with deadly traction, so exquisite was my mind.

Ever tear you shed, caught in my soul embeds, my time is up a head, so exquisite was my mind.

You never realized love, until it flew high with doves, angel’s wings above, so exquisite was my mind.

Optimistic with hope, how our love has always coped, because of lather from holy soap so exquisite was my mind

Undying my love for you, for all you’ve done is true, allowed me to follow you, so exquisite is your mind."

I kind of felt like writing something else, but I'll leave it at this for now. ;] Hope you enjoy.


Great writing! Very deep and visual! I like it! :) I will try to get my other documents off the hard drive of the crashed computer (off the external drive I mean) and give you more writing samples. Lord knows I have plenty, just not on *this* computer, LOL.

Yes, it is quite sad about my computer. I do have a backup. I went Mac though shortly before it crashed and haven't been able to get my stuff of the external drive from my crashed PC onto my Mac. The external drive wants to clear itself when I hook it to my Mac and try to upload. I will have to work on a solution though. When I bought it they said it would work with both a PC and a Mac but I think they didn't realize I wanted it to be interchangeable between the two working computers. Oh well. I'm blonde and don't always articulate what i'm trying to say very well, LOL.

I like the nickname, thank you <3 And yes, I do feel a kindred spirit bond Odd how a forum like this can bring people together in such a way but then again, I do believe everything happens for a reason :)

I agree that I normally don't care to take medications. When i'm sick I don't even like to take tylenol or motrin for fever. I prefer homeopathic/naturopathic methods instead. I use a lot of garlic and oil of oregano. Part of the chaos today was that my son got bit by something on his lower back and he has what looks like an abscess forming from a brown recluse bite. Tonight it was not looking very good (just discovered it when he came home from school he was complaining of his back aching) Anyway, I got some Alli-max cream, it's a garlic compound. After he fell asleep I re-examined his wound and it looks much, much better! I am so thankful too because I really was worried and it takes a lot to worry me when it comes to things like that :) I try to stay away from meds as much as possible but I take a muscle relaxer every night to help relax my back so I can sleep. Otherwise it gets tight and spasm down my legs.

My back injury is complicated as will likely be my surgery. Unfortunately I broke a portion of the vertebra at the l4/l5 at work one night and it is pressing on my spinal column. I can still walk and don't have much neuro deficit but the pain is quite bad and walking distances is hard. The condition is called Spondylolisthesis with significant spinal instability. Basically that portion of my spine is not hooked together with the other portions of my spine, it is just hanging out by itself, LOL. The surgery will be a 360 degree front and back single level fusion. I will have one surgery and stay in the hospital for 2-3 days then come home and allow my body some time to recover. Then I will go back a few weeks later for the back portion. After that the recovery period is approx 6 months at best. I will be able to go back to nursing, just most likely in a different field due to the violence that can be associated with my job. The muscle relaxer alone the past couple nights has helped me to sleep. I am tired as I type, LOL. Maybe tonight will not be broken sleep for me. My daughter spent the night with her great grandparents so I may luck out and get a good nights sleep tonight since the muscle relaxer has been effective tonight. Lord knows I need it.

Well hun, I am actually bushed right now. I can hardly keep my eyes open so I am going to try to sleep for a couple hours. If I can't sleep though i'll get back on tonight. I'm sorry to cut this short, I am just exhausted suddenly. The muscle relaxer has really relaxed me, LOL. I'm sorry to make this one short, I just want to take advantage of being this tired, it's been a good week since i've been this tired. <3

Night hun, i'll check back when I wake up or can't sleep tonight. I hope sleep finds you tonight. Hugs xoxo (to be continued)

Thank you very much. I do hope to read some more of your work. Honestly I've been hoping to find some one to write with/for as it is hard finding the inspiration to do it for myself outside of my love of language.

I understand. Compatibility issues between the external and the mac. I'm sure you would be able to find a work around online. If not you could always take it over a friends house, upload it onto a file service (megaupload) and then send it to yourself to download later ;].

Things do happen for a reason. And I am glad I took the time to respond to this thread. My posting history is basically nothing, so I must have felt something good to post here. <3

Glad to hear your son is doing better and it wasn't/isn't something more serious. Positive energy be sent for the lad. Your back issue sounds quite traumatic. Thankfully it's only pain you have to deal with and with a good surgeon you should be good to go soon enough.

Glad you are were tired and are getting some sleep. You need this rest. Dream well, sunshine. <3

If only others lived in such ways! There would be world peace and love. I aspire to *follow in your footsteps* in the way that you love, and cherish other individuals. He really has given us every day! And we have many opportunities to seize the moments that He offers us during our days to and capitalize on spreading His Love. I am just realizing this. We must be thankful for every day we have, my days lately have been particularly INSANE. I feel like life is a movie lately. For instance, just a couple hours ago my friend asked me if I found God because he said it is showing in my actions!! I got to talk to my buddy about God too, lately I have had 3 different nights with three different friends where I have spoken the word. I think it appeals to my friends because I don't go to church, I don't preach, I don't impose on their lifestyle; in fact, my lifestyle is quite similar to theirs. I just have been wrapped in the Spirit, and all this has been stemmed through THIS conversation. I do have more confidence, thank you for noticing.

Random acts of kindness are the MOST incredible ways to feel special and loved (Free one month trial WOO!). I can only imagine how you make people feel! Last week, for example I bought my parents a new set of drinking glasses and just put them in the cupboard. The look on my moms face! haha. Your lessons you gave me I shall never forget! I even put them in my notes on my cellphone. So that means you have someone in this world looking at your advice as an example!

Forgiving my past has been HARD. I have always been a real secretive person when it comes to my true emotions. There are many things I haven't told anyone that used to and still eat at my heart. I know that is the devil though, trying to make me feel stupid and worthless. You have strengthened my faith that I can overcome who I was, Trixie...I believe I am almost there. That last barrier, my family...opening up to them, that will tear down the walls and propel my faith and love and will upgrade my happiness!

Life is unraveling before my eyes in ways unexpected. It is so weird growing up. Just becoming a man, experiencing adult confrontations, being open to the real world and the real temptations, the insecurities I gain/lose. To have a companion (even though this is VERY public but I doubt anyone else is reading this lol) on a thread on a website that truly helped me find God, I am blessed. One more thank you to you! lol. Wanna know stuff about me that might surprise you? I am 20 years old and will probably be on my own soonish. Nervous. Music has been my life and I believe a huge contributing factor in me accepting God. I play real heavy metal (Believe it or not!!) with my buddies all the time so I am always, consistently around the drama of the party subculture. I wouldn't have it any other way though cause lately people have been noticing the change in me. So yeah, basically I have always been a lazy, unambitious, dreams to be guitar hero my whole life. Hahaha but oh so much has changed!

What are your hobbies? The things that you are really skilled at? I am interested in knowing!! How did God prove Himself to you?? Also, what is it like to be an *adult*? I mean, how does your perception of life change if that makes sense. Sorry for the abundance of questions!

Once again I am blessed to have the opportunity to converse with you. You are a very welcoming person. I believe God will bring me closer to more people like you, and possibly to you. We must be willing to let out our emotions during times like these! Society teaches us too often to keep our mouths shut and to bottle up our insecurities, to be tough and to fight way through life...couldn't be any more wrong.

I'm real tired, long day tomorrow. I have school from 930 to 3...then work 4 to 10. Sleep well, God bless you, I hope you had a great day! I didn't even ask you how your day was how rude of me! lol. This thread from God shall be remembered throughout the day tomorrow because I know I will be given challenges. I shall think of you in my prayers! Peace!

Thank you very much. I do hope to read some more of your work. Honestly I've been hoping to find some one to write with/for as it is hard finding the inspiration to do it for myself outside of my love of language.

I understand. Compatibility issues between the external and the mac. I'm sure you would be able to find a work around online. If not you could always take it over a friends house, upload it onto a file service (megaupload) and then send it to yourself to download later ;].

Things do happen for a reason. And I am glad I took the time to respond to this thread. My posting history is basically nothing, so I must have felt something good to post here. <3

Glad to hear your son is doing better and it wasn't/isn't something more serious. Positive energy be sent for the lad. Your back issue sounds quite traumatic. Thankfully it's only pain you have to deal with and with a good surgeon you should be good to go soon enough.

Glad you are were tired and are getting some sleep. You need this rest. Dream well, sunshine. <3


WOWZA! I fell asleep last night and slept ALL night! OMG! You know what that means though, now i'll be up tonight, LOL.

Today was an exceptionally busy day for me. I had to go to the DMV, get my kids to and from school, etc. etc. It was a bit frustrating on many levels as I had to deal with my attorneys office as well. I am glad now to finally have time to sit down and respond. My daughter didn't have a nap today so i'm *hoping* she will fall asleep early tonight. LOL.

I am glad you took the time to respond as well :) I wanted to ask you, where are you from originally?

How was your day today? Anything exciting happen? Any dreams for to tell me about? I missed chatting with you today as I was so tied up again. Seems now that the kids are both back in school my days are busier. Go figure, right? I guess that is as it should be <3

Hope to see you here later for our *nightcap* conversations <3 Hugs...

If only others lived in such ways! There would be world peace and love. I aspire to *follow in your footsteps* in the way that you love, and cherish other individuals. He really has given us every day! And we have many opportunities to seize the moments that He offers us during our days to and capitalize on spreading His Love. I am just realizing this. We must be thankful for every day we have, my days lately have been particularly INSANE. I feel like life is a movie lately. For instance, just a couple hours ago my friend asked me if I found God because he said it is showing in my actions!! I got to talk to my buddy about God too, lately I have had 3 different nights with three different friends where I have spoken the word. I think it appeals to my friends because I don't go to church, I don't preach, I don't impose on their lifestyle; in fact, my lifestyle is quite similar to theirs. I just have been wrapped in the Spirit, and all this has been stemmed through THIS conversation. I do have more confidence, thank you for noticing.

Random acts of kindness are the MOST incredible ways to feel special and loved (Free one month trial WOO!). I can only imagine how you make people feel! Last week, for example I bought my parents a new set of drinking glasses and just put them in the cupboard. The look on my moms face! haha. Your lessons you gave me I shall never forget! I even put them in my notes on my cellphone. So that means you have someone in this world looking at your advice as an example!

Forgiving my past has been HARD. I have always been a real secretive person when it comes to my true emotions. There are many things I haven't told anyone that used to and still eat at my heart. I know that is the devil though, trying to make me feel stupid and worthless. You have strengthened my faith that I can overcome who I was, Trixie...I believe I am almost there. That last barrier, my family...opening up to them, that will tear down the walls and propel my faith and love and will upgrade my happiness!

Life is unraveling before my eyes in ways unexpected. It is so weird growing up. Just becoming a man, experiencing adult confrontations, being open to the real world and the real temptations, the insecurities I gain/lose. To have a companion (even though this is VERY public but I doubt anyone else is reading this lol) on a thread on a website that truly helped me find God, I am blessed. One more thank you to you! lol. Wanna know stuff about me that might surprise you? I am 20 years old and will probably be on my own soonish. Nervous. Music has been my life and I believe a huge contributing factor in me accepting God. I play real heavy metal (Believe it or not!!) with my buddies all the time so I am always, consistently around the drama of the party subculture. I wouldn't have it any other way though cause lately people have been noticing the change in me. So yeah, basically I have always been a lazy, unambitious, dreams to be guitar hero my whole life. Hahaha but oh so much has changed!

What are your hobbies? The things that you are really skilled at? I am interested in knowing!! How did God prove Himself to you?? Also, what is it like to be an *adult*? I mean, how does your perception of life change if that makes sense. Sorry for the abundance of questions!

Once again I am blessed to have the opportunity to converse with you. You are a very welcoming person. I believe God will bring me closer to more people like you, and possibly to you. We must be willing to let out our emotions during times like these! Society teaches us too often to keep our mouths shut and to bottle up our insecurities, to be tough and to fight way through life...couldn't be any more wrong.

I'm real tired, long day tomorrow. I have school from 930 to 3...then work 4 to 10. Sleep well, God bless you, I hope you had a great day! I didn't even ask you how your day was how rude of me! lol. This thread from God shall be remembered throughout the day tomorrow because I know I will be given challenges. I shall think of you in my prayers! Peace!


Hello my friend! How was your day today? I hope school was exciting and fun! Sorry to respond so late, I fell asleep last night and slept ALL night long! Yay! I believe it's the conversations between you and Az that have helped me reach a relaxed point to where I can sleep at night the past few nights. Last night though I slept ALL night so tonight I will be wide awake, LOL. Oh well.

I am glad that you have found comfort in talking to me ;) Sometimes it easier to talk to someone who has walked the walk and talks the talk, kind of a been there done that kind of a thing! I know you are on the right track and soon you will be able to pour your heart out to your mom.

How awesome that you play music with your friends and that you are talking to them about Christ! God is working through you and in you to spread His good news and that is beyond special!

Let's see if I can answer some of your questions... Hobbies, well prior to my hurting my back I had plenty but i've been a bit restricted since I hurt it. After my surgery though i've been reassured that life will return to normal and I can go back to the things I love. So lets see, I raise chickens. I have 18 of them and love it! I should live on a farm. I wanted to get a goat but i'm not zoned for them, my lot is a few thousand feet too small. LOL. I use to have a horse so I love horse back riding, snow boarding, fishing, camping, etc., etc. Lots of outdoors stuff. I even use to surf! Hmm, other things i'm skilled at, well i'm good at caring for others and helping people. I'm good at problem solving and conflict resolution. My mom says I should go to law school and open a business in conflict resolution! I am not sure that i'm up for school though at my age, but you never know!

How did God prove himself to me? My testimony is long and in many parts. The cliffs notes version is that He has always been there since I was a child. I was raised in the faith and even though I strayed at times, He never let me down. I almost died in 2007 and it was by the grace of God that I survived. I had a nurse who was a Christian offer to pray over me as I laid there and she asked for guidance and wisdom so she could help the doctors figure out what was wrong with me. Within a minute of her praying and laying hands on me I went into hemorrhagic shock but the miraculous part was that my blood pressure maintained at 80/30, it never went any lower despite my heart rate being 175. As it turned out I was bleeding internally and only had minimal blood in my circulatory system. I went into DIC, septic shock, hemorrhagic shock, the beginning stages of renal failure and I was vomiting blood by this point. She continued to pray over me and didn't leave my side for 3 hours after they transferred me from her unit to the ICU. She was my earth angel, her prayers and the prayers of my family saved me. That nurse became my inspiration to be a better nurse and when I had recovered and returned to work I began witnessing to my patients and offering to pray for them as she had done for me. I even began meeting other nurses who carried Holy Oil with them and blessed patients. It opened up a whole new side to my spirituality.

I think I will pause here because writing that took a lot out of me emotionally and i'm sure it will take you some time to process it. LOL.

I will be here so check in and tell me about your day. Hope to hear from you soon. Hugs <3

Here is another snippet for you...


My children didn’t ask to be brought into this world. No, they were born out of selfishness and my desire to fulfill my childhood fantasy of being a mommy. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I guess they are right. If I had known then what I know now, I would have done so many things differently. But, we can’t go back in time so all I can do is go forward with the knowledge I have and pray that God will have mercy on my children and save them from the savage world I so selfishly brought them into.

America wasn’t always in chaos. Everything changed when the healthcare reform bill was passed two years ago. All of a sudden the constitution meant nothing and big brother was telling you what to do, when to do it and how to do it. Since then, it’s been a steady decline into a deep bottomless pit. America is no longer the land of the free. The only people who have freedom now are the ones who were smart enough to get out before America crumbled. Those of us that are left are either fully awake or sound asleep.

Every day we sink deeper and deeper into a dark abyss. On Monday the president gave his state of the union address.

“All children and adults will be vaccinated for all communicable diseases per government mandate, effective immediately” he said as he stood on a stage surrounded by roman columns. “Effective one week from today we will no longer be using state issued drivers licenses for identification. All citizens are required to turn in their drivers licenses in exchange for NTID; Nano Technology Identification. This small microchip you see behind me will be implanted in your body. The procedure is totally painless and by implementing this technology we will be able to track criminals and respond to emergencies more swiftly with greater response. You also don’t ever have to worry about leaving home without your i.d. anymore”. The crowd burst out in laughter at his ill attempted joke.

My heart sank. NTID? Mandatory vaccines? I’ll be damned if they think they are going to implant and vaccinate my family! Call me a conspiracy theorist if you want but I will not be herded to slaughter because big brother has told me to. I kept the kids home from school on Tuesday, my intuition told me it was time to spring into action. I missed our first opportunity to get out but wouldn’t miss this one which would inevitably be the last one. We spent the day sorting through our belongings, and preparing to leave our old identity behind and start a life on the run chasing after freedom, the ultimate finish line.

So I was thinking that maybe you and I could write something together. Think of something you'd like to write about. I am up for anything. We may be able to collaborate something and have it published. It's a possibility. Think about it and let me know love <3 Hugs and miss you tonight. I'm sorry I fell asleep last night. Since I slept last night i'll be up late I suspect tonight. Hope you stop by <3 I've missed our conversations this evening <3!

Last Edited by TrixieMama on 09/13/2011 11:39 PM

Before I go into detail I just want to say that since we started talking, every time i check this thread (after you sleep) I always open it within 10 minutes of you responding. Today being the closest as I opened the thread for the first time 2 minutes after you left this message. Just couldn't respond as quick ;] It's really kind of odd and yet makes sense.

;D Glad to hear you got your rest. Your mind and body must be thankful also. Any day that you have to deal with the DMV is a terrible day lol. Why did you have to go see your attorney though (if you don't mind me asking). Hope it's nothing too severe as dealing with Lawyers and their ilk is very...uncomfortable to me. But that has to do with my idea of what justice is and what the legal system actually judges it as.

I will always take the time to respond as you have shown me the same <3. Where I am originally from is a loaded yet simple question. Like all of us I am originally from the stars and the universe that created me. ;]. But I was born and raised in New Jersey. I am a hybrid of nationalities though. African, Native, English, Scottish, German and Czechoslovakian. My soul (essence) has always felt like it was from the far east. Not sure if it is from a past experience but it always feels like home ;]. How about yourself?

My day was rather short. My sleep cycle has always fluctuated from normal to abnormal and I'm currently on a reverse cycle. I've always fought against this my life but maybe it's just normal for me. I find that I do my best work when the moon and stars are above my head. What I try to do in between work though is just learn. Whether it be concepts, opinions, or facts. In fact tonight a friend asked me about HAARP. I only know very vague facts, so I think I'll spend most of my free time learning about that. I just really love learning with no set course of study. It's one of the reasons why people seem to be drawn to me when in need of advice. This isn't ego just a small truth but in my years of living I don't think I've given more than a handful of advice that didn't work out for the better. It seems that is another thing we share in common ;].

As for dreams. Had two of the same subject matter but different concepts. I'll try and keep them shorter.

So the first dream I am sitting in another house and get a call from my parents who happened to be old hippies. They asked me if I wanted to visit them in Europe to which I was ecstatic about. A couple of minutes later I arrive and we chat for a few moments. Then they get real serious and ask me for a favor. The favor was to transport drugs back to the United States. Now I said no immediately. Not because I've never been around drugs, but because flying with them seemed like such a risk. They assured me that no risk was to be taken and everything would be fine. And since they are my parents I eventually acquiesced and did it. So I get back home, and sit down only for my phone to ring. It is them again, and they say forget it and dispose of the drugs. Now I'm wondering why I did it in the first place. So i ask what's it all about, they said it wasn't worth it, that they would be home soon, and to just destroy it. I couldn't in right mind just destroy it without looking so I opened these elegant boxes that housed the drugs. They were pills, purple and white in color and of all different shapes and size. At that moment they come in and we start talking, I ask how much this is all worth, and they say 2.3 billion dollars. Now my instinct is to say "Then why are we not selling them and living like kings?". The response was "It's not the right thing to do, we had no idea of the true nature". I respond with "Well I'm sure a lot of people are going to be angry about this". Which draws a feeling of "We know, but death is a better option than releasing this". So I agree, and ask if they had any weapons. My dad pulled out a gun and handed it to me. I picked it up and pointed it at him, looked into the barrel and saw two bullets. I figured they were for my parents, I squeezed the trigger softly but didn't fire and put the gun down. He pulled out 2 more guns and smiled placing them on the table. I picked them up, checked the tension of the trigger. Then a loud thud hit the door. I figured it was the people who's drugs these were, so I pointed the guns at the door, and just as it was opening I woke up.

Damn! LOL I said I'd keep it short and that wound up longer than i expected.

The second was about the same thing, with the same elegant boxes but different contents. My friend picked me up, and he had these 4 boxes with labels on them. One said amphetamines, another said DVT (or DMT) hallucinations, and the last two I couldn't make out. He dropped me off home and I put the boxes down because I needed to go to the bathroom. So I walk into the bathroom and it's really futuristic. I walk over to what i think is the toilet and press a button only for the shower to turn on and spray me in the face. I take a step back and it turns off. I go back and press the button again and it sprays me again. The frustration was comical, so I turned around and saw a woman in the bathroom. I assume it was my wife (dream as I am single). She was nude, 5'7", long dirty blonde hair with a good figure, and had just gotten out of the shower. It wasn't lustful thou, more sweet. She blew me a kiss before leaving. I walked out forgetting about having to use the bathroom and looked around the house. I noticed the boxes and went over to them, opening each one. Inside were gummy candies (like gummy bears) of different shapes. I am a curious fellow so I decided to take some out to try. One unlabeled and the one with the hallucinations on it. I go out to a mall with a Times Square motif. I take 4-5 of the unlabeled drugs and it almost immediately kicks in. The feeling I got was no high though, well not that I've ever experienced in relation to drugs. It was almost as if my mind had opened and everything was clear. I felt this happiness that I'd never felt before. So much so that I was strutting around the mall while everyone else was going about with mundane looks and routines. I see a couple of friends and all I want to do is get a drink and have fun. They seemed out of it though. And that's when I woke up. Though I did go back to sleep and finished the dream, but it was more conscious dream where I molded what I thought the end would be.

<333 Since you got a full rest, did you happen to dream or was it the quick sleep and now I'm awake night?

I really enjoyed that. It was very vivid in that I could actually see that happening with stunning accuracy even down the the unfunny joke that the president would make to ease the masses. Here's a bit more of something from me. ;]

When you try and look into the mist. You don’t realize what you see. But you feel what you see. With all your heart you feel it intensely. Paralysis can grip your body. Yet you can still sense every droplet of rain. Feel every bitter cold breeze that shyly whips around you. It never touches you but you can still feel it. It lives inside of everyone. While your soul grasps for energy. Not able to secure the proper path to enlightenment. It struggles, it burns inside of you. You feel the fire building. The restlessness of your soul finds peace no more. Until you can find the path you shall walk in the shadows. The darkness will cool your soul. As the embers burst brighter, like stars igniting deep in the dark.

The moons silent face seemingly mocks you. As you continue to struggle forward you realize dawns break approaches. The warmth of the sun burns your skin because the fire roasts your essence. Never shall you truly feel until you find the conduit of peace and love. As love binds us all to the fabric of life, you still can not grasp it. You clutch to your hatred and pain like a blanket given at birth. You feel security in the very things that lead you to ruin. You must spread your wings and fly. Soar to the highest pinnacles of advancement. Nevertheless you still are stuck in the very mist you watched from a far. Its embrace hides your soul from the light you shunned for so long.. The exit is always around you. You just have to reach out and touch it. Take that leap of faith into the darkest portions of your very being.

My writing tends to be more visual then anything else. ;] And I think it might be a good idea to write a piece together even if it's just for fun. For some reason I just write a lot better when I have somebody else pushing me. I used to write rhymes (not necessarily poetry) and my best times came when a friend and I would go back and forth. It's not so much competition, but just the wanting to be better for the other person. It makes me up my game 10 fold. ;D

Before I go into detail I just want to say that since we started talking, every time i check this thread (after you sleep) I always open it within 10 minutes of you responding. Today being the closest as I opened the thread for the first time 2 minutes after you left this message. Just couldn't respond as quick ;] It's really kind of odd and yet makes sense.

;D Glad to hear you got your rest. Your mind and body must be thankful also. Any day that you have to deal with the DMV is a terrible day lol. Why did you have to go see your attorney though (if you don't mind me asking). Hope it's nothing too severe as dealing with Lawyers and their ilk is very...uncomfortable to me. But that has to do with my idea of what justice is and what the legal system actually judges it as.

I will always take the time to respond as you have shown me the same <3. Where I am originally from is a loaded yet simple question. Like all of us I am originally from the stars and the universe that created me. ;]. But I was born and raised in New Jersey. I am a hybrid of nationalities though. African, Native, English, Scottish, German and Czechoslovakian. My soul (essence) has always felt like it was from the far east. Not sure if it is from a past experience but it always feels like home ;]. How about yourself?

My day was rather short. My sleep cycle has always fluctuated from normal to abnormal and I'm currently on a reverse cycle. I've always fought against this my life but maybe it's just normal for me. I find that I do my best work when the moon and stars are above my head. What I try to do in between work though is just learn. Whether it be concepts, opinions, or facts. In fact tonight a friend asked me about HAARP. I only know very vague facts, so I think I'll spend most of my free time learning about that. I just really love learning with no set course of study. It's one of the reasons why people seem to be drawn to me when in need of advice. This isn't ego just a small truth but in my years of living I don't think I've given more than a handful of advice that didn't work out for the better. It seems that is another thing we share in common ;].

As for dreams. Had two of the same subject matter but different concepts. I'll try and keep them shorter.

So the first dream I am sitting in another house and get a call from my parents who happened to be old hippies. They asked me if I wanted to visit them in Europe to which I was ecstatic about. A couple of minutes later I arrive and we chat for a few moments. Then they get real serious and ask me for a favor. The favor was to transport drugs back to the United States. Now I said no immediately. Not because I've never been around drugs, but because flying with them seemed like such a risk. They assured me that no risk was to be taken and everything would be fine. And since they are my parents I eventually acquiesced and did it. So I get back home, and sit down only for my phone to ring. It is them again, and they say forget it and dispose of the drugs. Now I'm wondering why I did it in the first place. So i ask what's it all about, they said it wasn't worth it, that they would be home soon, and to just destroy it. I couldn't in right mind just destroy it without looking so I opened these elegant boxes that housed the drugs. They were pills, purple and white in color and of all different shapes and size. At that moment they come in and we start talking, I ask how much this is all worth, and they say 2.3 billion dollars. Now my instinct is to say "Then why are we not selling them and living like kings?". The response was "It's not the right thing to do, we had no idea of the true nature". I respond with "Well I'm sure a lot of people are going to be angry about this". Which draws a feeling of "We know, but death is a better option than releasing this". So I agree, and ask if they had any weapons. My dad pulled out a gun and handed it to me. I picked it up and pointed it at him, looked into the barrel and saw two bullets. I figured they were for my parents, I squeezed the trigger softly but didn't fire and put the gun down. He pulled out 2 more guns and smiled placing them on the table. I picked them up, checked the tension of the trigger. Then a loud thud hit the door. I figured it was the people who's drugs these were, so I pointed the guns at the door, and just as it was opening I woke up.

Damn! LOL I said I'd keep it short and that wound up longer than i expected.

The second was about the same thing, with the same elegant boxes but different contents. My friend picked me up, and he had these 4 boxes with labels on them. One said amphetamines, another said DVT (or DMT) hallucinations, and the last two I couldn't make out. He dropped me off home and I put the boxes down because I needed to go to the bathroom. So I walk into the bathroom and it's really futuristic. I walk over to what i think is the toilet and press a button only for the shower to turn on and spray me in the face. I take a step back and it turns off. I go back and press the button again and it sprays me again. The frustration was comical, so I turned around and saw a woman in the bathroom. I assume it was my wife (dream as I am single). She was nude, 5'7", long dirty blonde hair with a good figure, and had just gotten out of the shower. It wasn't lustful thou, more sweet. She blew me a kiss before leaving. I walked out forgetting about having to use the bathroom and looked around the house. I noticed the boxes and went over to them, opening each one. Inside were gummy candies (like gummy bears) of different shapes. I am a curious fellow so I decided to take some out to try. One unlabeled and the one with the hallucinations on it. I go out to a mall with a Times Square motif. I take 4-5 of the unlabeled drugs and it almost immediately kicks in. The feeling I got was no high though, well not that I've ever experienced in relation to drugs. It was almost as if my mind had opened and everything was clear. I felt this happiness that I'd never felt before. So much so that I was strutting around the mall while everyone else was going about with mundane looks and routines. I see a couple of friends and all I want to do is get a drink and have fun. They seemed out of it though. And that's when I woke up. Though I did go back to sleep and finished the dream, but it was more conscious dream where I molded what I thought the end would be.

<333 Since you got a full rest, did you happen to dream or was it the quick sleep and now I'm awake night?


Yay,your back, LOL! I just had to raz you with a little I missed you love, LOL.

Tis funny that you find my responses shortly after I write them. Also it is strange about the description you gave of the woman in the shower. I am a dirty blond, 5'7 with a Marilyn Monroe-esq figure (not sure thats what you meant by nice but to me she had a nice figure). Very girl next door-ish but by no means homely. I use to have a picture for my avatar but took it down after some Christian's here gave me flack about it. It was from a pin up photo shoot I had done. My hair was darker in it but it was really pretty. I guess a little to much cleavage for some, LOL and the sweater I was wearing only had one button open, go figure. Anyway, I found that description to be an interesting part of your dream because as far as I know, you haven't seen my photo or avatar when I had it up.

My lineage is a heinz 57 mix. I never got to know my father but according to the research my grandfather has done on both sides I am a mix of german, french, swedish and irish. I asked where you were from (born) because you speak quite proper at times. And, i've noticed you write like a Brit at times. Have you ever traveled there or spent time there or do you just come from a well to do family? Again, you just speak quite proper and are quite well versed. I hope I am not being too intrusive. Please tell me if I am.

I'm sorry your day was short. Those are the worst. I am a night owl myself (duh considering I have insomnia) but on a serious note, I work nights as a general rule and always have most of my career as a nurse because it's easier for me and i've just always been a night owl I guess.

I did sleep last night and i'm sure I did dream but my daughter woke up abruptly and I didn't get a chance to awaken peacefully so whatever dream was there eluded me due to the quick awakening. Your dreams are so interesting. I am living vicariously through them. Sometimes as odd as it may be, they are quite close to things that i've experienced in my life. While the circumstances may differ slightly the experiences have been very close to things i've experienced in real life. I almost wonder if there is some channeling of our minds going on? The connection is quite strong, at least I feel it is and it is odd how you would dream of a woman with such close similarities to me. Are you remote viewing me? J/K, LOL. No, if you were I would know. You know I did have someone here once who RV'd me without my consent and I saw the person standing in my doorway watching me on two separate occasions. Freaked me out. If I had consented that would be one thing but I had not. I have had occasion where I talk to people and without thinking about what is happening I can easily describe what they are doing while we are talking on the phone or describe the room they are in. I haven't had it happen in a long time but it was kind of neat when it did. Anyway, I got off topic, time to reel me back in :)

Your dreams you shared are interesting because of the similarities to experiences i've had in my younger years. I haven't always walked a straight path so to speak. These dreams reminded me of a cross between the Matrix (red pill/blue pill) and Alice in Wonderland. For some reason those two things came to mind but then I also wondered if the pills in the first dream with your parents didn't have something to do with an illness (or turning people into zombies, LOL) instead of being a drug to get high. If faced with being a zombie or choosing death, death would be a better option in my humble opinion :) You could write a wonderful novel around some of these dreams! Really, I believe you could


Egh, the drama with the attorney was related to my injury. It will be fixed it was just really frustrating related to confusion with my treating doctor. I want to see a different doctor and we seem to be on different pages. Just a bit of miscommunication and frustration that will be resolved in the next couple of days I hope.

I think it is great that you are going to be learning about HAARP. It is really an interesting topic. My mom told me about it for years and I would always look at her like she was crazy. Obviously that was when I was a sheep but now my eyes are wide open.

So how is it you haven't settled down yet? No desire or just haven't met the right person yet?

Awesome piece! You are a very vivid writer. You can feel emotion and you set a scene quite well. You draw your reader in and it's easy to feel like you are living in the writing which is a very important quality. Great job!

Rhyming is fun, it really expands your mind and allows you to be creative which spawns new ideas which equals greatness, LOL :)

Thank you for your kind words on my writing. I have several chapters already done on that piece. I think I have about 10,000 words written already. It's only a first draft though and I haven't gone back to re-read it or proof it. It needs to be expanded but i've found if I just write as it comes to me when I go back through for my first reading I can elaborate on the ideas and concepts i've written about. It also gives me a chance to bring my characters to life so I can write the story around the characters personalities. It's really a lot of fun. Our talking about it has inspired me to do more work on it. I had fallen away for the past two months because i've been so tired but now i'm inspired again to further it. What I shared is one that I have really felt has a lot of potential. They say you should never write the novel first, write your proposal first then write the novel otherwise you waste time writing something you can't sell. Oh well. I don't always take the easy route.

Of course I am back. ;] I couldn't just leave you hanging <33 Chu are my nightingale and I so love hearing you sing.

Indeed I have not seen you before, but it is of little surprise that the description fit you. You have been on my mind. And you were right about the figure. I have no problems with any body type really, but I love the classical look so very much. If you have that look then I must assume you are beautiful. If you look like my dream then I know it. <3. Why does it seem like other Christians get on your case about things? Seems quite counter productive.

The European super blend. Sounds quite nice. ;] And you aren't be intrusive lol, I just wasn't sure of what you wanted to get out of the question. I write proper because I love the language so much. I have gotten the the Brit stereotype also because I use quite and indeed often. I've never been there, nor do I have a well to do family. I was born in a ghetto and moved to a moderate suburb at 5 because my mom refused to let me grow up around that horrible place. It's just that people abuse the language so much these days. They take for granted the complex nature of speech and written word. I could never do that. Plus when I am taught something I tend to do it proper. In school I was taught how to type properly and I've done it ever since. It's just that my lexicon has expanded. So over time my writing has become more sophisticated. Plus I love the way they sound rolling over each other. For example " My thoughts are magnificently elegant with excellence in rhetoric.". Language is just beautiful.

Yeah I have slight insomnia, but it has it's benefits. Being around the peace of night is wonderful. Plus if I wasn't I'd have never got to meet you. ;]

I don't think we can get off topic with each other. And no I do not practice remote viewing as I believe the mind is meant to be free of control. Even though it would be nice to manipulate it occasionally I'm must happier with it showing me things it knows I like instead of looking for things I think i like (if that makes sense). Though if we are channeling and it is manifesting you, I will not complain. <3 ;].

Thank you for thinking so much of my dreams. I appreciate it. And yes it felt sort of like they found out the first dream pills were only intended to cause harm. They just didn't know until they involved me. But you are right, death over dishonor. I would gladly accept death if it meant doing the right thing. Though if I would not stop fighting against the injustice as long as I drew breath. But I think my dreams like my writing can come off as disjointed a bit too surreal. I have no problem with this, but I think it would be hard for others to understand fully and I can't really reign in my words or thoughts. They must be free to do what they please.

Ah, glad everything for you will be fixed up shortly. Dealing with lawyers for extended periods is never recommended lol. It is always best to have your eyes wide open. I've heard of HAARP but never really looked into it, but I figured if my friend wants to discuss it I better have a basic understanding of it. ;] Plus it knowledge is never a bad thing as long as you trust your intuition.

Not settling down. Hm. It's probably because with the women that I've been with (only 3) have never been the right time to settle down. They have helped me (and I them) tremendously in life, but it just wasn't right. I won't say that I wouldn't have been happy with any of the three for the rest of my life though. I just don't think you can force things to be. They just have to be. Also I don't 100% believe in the idea of marriage through the state. If I am with you, then I am with you 100% regardless of what papers say. I will not cheat nor will I hurt you. I simply wish to love you freely and unconditionally.

Thank you for that. The one thing I've had the hardest time over coming was sharing my writing. It's the only thing I did that I used to think wasn't good. I still don't think it's great, but the positive feedback is very encouraging.

Indeed, the easy route is never the most creative route. Write what is in your head and your heart. With the advancing of e-readers you could easily self publish it for kindle and I'm sure people would give it a shot. You are a good writer and that is all that is needed. So many people fall back on what will sell the most instead of what means the most to them. People don't want to be recycled concepts, they want to be challenged with no ones. I am very happy that I've inspired you. It would be an honor to be your muse ;].

Yes, the photo thing was disappointing. I got many compliments but a few Christian's tag teamed me one night in a thread and I was like, okay, forget it if you really think it is depicting me as a "slut" which is what they said, I agreed to change it. The tink avatar is cute though. You gotta love though how a person can call themselves a Christian and then call another Christian a "slut" based on a specific style photo shoot. It wasn't inappropriate. I wouldn't have posted it if it was. My kids have seen them, I was more covered up than I would have been if I were at the beach. Go figure. A lot of people on this forum call themselves Christian but they don't walk the walk they talk. They throw stones and can't substantiate their apostate teachings that they flood the sight with. It's like the person who posted here the other day razzing me and giving me grief over my job. I don't get it. But this is the world we live in. People can't be happy to just love one another and be content. People have to nitpick at each other and impose their judgements. It's sad actually. It's no wonder the world is in such disarray right now.

I too grew up in a less than pristine community. I grew up in a hispanic neighborhood in which I was one of two caucasians at my elementary school. I got into fights almost daily until I was in 7th grade when I had enough and fought back. After that no one picked on me again, LOL. I guess once you banged a girls head into a locker it would scare people away. :) I was young, what can I say other than it certainly wouldn't happen now as an adult. Although I would defend myself if need be. I took kick boxing for many years as an adult. It's been awhile but i'm sure in an emergency it would all come rushing back with that fight or flight adrenaline rush.

You made me blush in your post, thank you for your kind words <3

The pleasure in hearing your dreams has been mine. I have enjoyed it and the discussions that have manifested from them. I don't think your writing is disjointed. Every writer has their own style that is unique to them. I understood the messages you were trying to convey and felt you did a great job <3

I had to LOL at your not settling down post about marriage, I got married because I was 9 months pregnant and even though I knew I would end up divorced did it anyway! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I knew who I was marrying before we got married and I didn't like him but I was pregnant and felt trapped. I felt like I didn't have a choice. There are not many things in my life I would do over if given the chance however marrying my ex husband is likely one of the few I would re-do. TBH now looking back, I would have just had my son, had my daughter and not married him. I hate to say marriage is over rated but sometimes I think it is. My cousin is getting married in a month and has spent $80,000 on her wedding! It's insane. While I do think that marriage has it's place, I just would have done it differently. Oh well, you live and learn. I have never cheated but somehow always seem to land guys who can't commit. Go figure. Eventually I hope that I can meet someone and settle down again. I figure it all happens when you are aren't looking. I haven't dated since I dated my ex husband and that was a little over 6 years ago. We were only married for 3 of those 6 and actually we were rarely together so i'm not sure if it counts, LOL.

I do have two amazing and beautiful children though as a result and they are such a blessing. Everything happens for a reason so if it happened so I could have these two precious babes, then so be it.

...


You are more than welcome, I am only speaking the truth

You shouldn't be shy about sharing your writing. A writer can only get better when he/she has someone to read their works. Feedback is quite an important aspect of writing! Sometimes another set of eyes can help mold the words into a better visual or tie up loose ends.

I am glad you have shared some of your writings with me! I have enjoyed it indeed.

Thank you for the encouragement on my work in progress! I really appreciate it <3 I have so many ideas and thoughts, working titles, etc just waiting to bloom into something. I really need to get back to writing. Two months ago I was writing 2-3 hours a night. Just our of habit. It didn't need to make sense, just writing as it came to me. It was good practice and helps to curb writers block

Indeed. As was once said, he who is without sin cast the first stone. People feel the need to take it upon themselves to be the arbiters of right and wrong. And when they do they have to tear you down to correct the perceived wrong. It's such a backwards way of thinking. I don't like what you do so instead of trying to talk with you to understand, I'm going to insult you to make you feel guilty. I'm sure it the shoot was lovely though. If only people looked for the beauty in life.

I kind of lived the opposite in that when I moved to the mostly Caucasian neighborhood the fighting and violence stopped. It mostly turned into discrimination which I wasn't fine with but it turned out for the best. It helped me find those who accepted me for me and those are the ones who I would go to war with (so to speak). Though I do understand your fighting when attacked. While we had different situations they were the same in principle. And with that we learned how to be stronger humans when faced with adversity and how to love when faced with acceptance. <3. I'll make sure not to offend you though lol. That kick boxing can be a bit scary ;D.

Thank you for the kind words. ;] Nothing makes me happier than seeing rose red cheeks. <3.

The blessing of your children sounds like it was worth the price of your marriage. That sucks that you felt trapped though. It seems like the worst place to be in when making a decision is when you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. And it is insane, which is one of the things that I dislike about it. It's a big show of ego and arrogance with modern weddings. Look how big the ring is, look at the size of the cake, see how much my dress cost. All that matters to me is if I love you and you love me. If you wanted to get married I wouldn't be adverse to the idea, just that I would want it as simple as possible. A small ceremony under the light of the sky works perfectly for me. I'm sure it will find you. You are a beautiful and caring woman. It's hard to keep that to yourself for too long ;].

What are you children's names and how old?

...


<333333333333333 Then I thank you for seeing the truth, sunshine.

It wasn't that I was shy per say. It was that I thought my writing was bad. Over time I've grown out of the mind set, but I just didn't think anybody would want to read. The funny thing is no matter who I show my writing to, or even if I write something spur of the moment it almost always gets positive feedback. Maybe I will start up again like you. It's been way too long.

I must disagree with you about writers block though ;D. I don't think such a thing exists and what you said proves it. A writer can write about anything at any time. No matter if it makes sense or doesn't. Goes with a story or independent. The words and thoughts we have scream to be put on the page. All we can do is listen and let them free. ;]. People put too much control onto life. You just have to let go and trust in yourself.

Hello my friend! How was your day today? I hope school was exciting and fun! Sorry to respond so late, I fell asleep last night and slept ALL night long! Yay! I believe it's the conversations between you and Az that have helped me reach a relaxed point to where I can sleep at night the past few nights. Last night though I slept ALL night so tonight I will be wide awake, LOL. Oh well.

I am glad that you have found comfort in talking to me ;) Sometimes it easier to talk to someone who has walked the walk and talks the talk, kind of a been there done that kind of a thing! I know you are on the right track and soon you will be able to pour your heart out to your mom.

How awesome that you play music with your friends and that you are talking to them about Christ! God is working through you and in you to spread His good news and that is beyond special!

Let's see if I can answer some of your questions... Hobbies, well prior to my hurting my back I had plenty but i've been a bit restricted since I hurt it. After my surgery though i've been reassured that life will return to normal and I can go back to the things I love. So lets see, I raise chickens. I have 18 of them and love it! I should live on a farm. I wanted to get a goat but i'm not zoned for them, my lot is a few thousand feet too small. LOL. I use to have a horse so I love horse back riding, snow boarding, fishing, camping, etc., etc. Lots of outdoors stuff. I even use to surf! Hmm, other things i'm skilled at, well i'm good at caring for others and helping people. I'm good at problem solving and conflict resolution. My mom says I should go to law school and open a business in conflict resolution! I am not sure that i'm up for school though at my age, but you never know!

How did God prove himself to me? My testimony is long and in many parts. The cliffs notes version is that He has always been there since I was a child. I was raised in the faith and even though I strayed at times, He never let me down. I almost died in 2007 and it was by the grace of God that I survived. I had a nurse who was a Christian offer to pray over me as I laid there and she asked for guidance and wisdom so she could help the doctors figure out what was wrong with me. Within a minute of her praying and laying hands on me I went into hemorrhagic shock but the miraculous part was that my blood pressure maintained at 80/30, it never went any lower despite my heart rate being 175. As it turned out I was bleeding internally and only had minimal blood in my circulatory system. I went into DIC, septic shock, hemorrhagic shock, the beginning stages of renal failure and I was vomiting blood by this point. She continued to pray over me and didn't leave my side for 3 hours after they transferred me from her unit to the ICU. She was my earth angel, her prayers and the prayers of my family saved me. That nurse became my inspiration to be a better nurse and when I had recovered and returned to work I began witnessing to my patients and offering to pray for them as she had done for me. I even began meeting other nurses who carried Holy Oil with them and blessed patients. It opened up a whole new side to my spirituality.

I think I will pause here because writing that took a lot out of me emotionally and i'm sure it will take you some time to process it. LOL.

I will be here so check in and tell me about your day. Hope to hear from you soon. Hugs <3


Hello, it's been nice to come home to your words the past week! I definitely do take time to process everything you say, to the fullest extent I am truly fascinated. I must admit I take a couple hours sometimes to fully take in your words. lol. This week has been a HUGE learning experience, in ways unexpected to me my life has greatly altered in the past few days alone!! I am SO stoked that you have been able to *teach* me lessons about issues that have been on my mind. Today at work, I thought of our talk the whole time. I have this little book called "The Lakota Way", it was assigned to me for a freshman orientation class but I never read it, and the chapter I read was "Truth"...here is a little passage I read while I was at work today: Sometimes truth is like the wind, you can't see it but you can see the effect that it has. Truth is also like sunrise and sunset. We see the sun come up over the eastern horizon in the morning and then disappear behind the western horizon in the evening. From the perspective of our on a spinning sphere, the sun appears to "rise" and "set." In reality, the sun does neither." Truth is what we make it to be if we choose to believe or choose not to believe;I'm glad I chose to believe this way, and I am glad you have been a *Big* part of it.

How great! 18 chickens and no farm?! hah that is awesome bless you for raising chickens! How awesome you love the outdoors too, I LOVE wilderness, but sadly I rarely get to do stuff like that anymore. You definitely are good at what you say you are, conflict resolution is definitely your type of thing! I am awed with how easy it is for me to open up certain things to you. That is a God given gift you have...
Your testimony is wonderful! I got chills throughout my body. You seized your God given opportunity to turn your dear death experience into His works and His love!!! Very inspiring for me to know :). Thanks for the story, compressed as it may be. I feel even more connected now because a near death experience triggered a whole new meaning of God for me and was one of the factors that proved God to me too. I too became helpless and humble, and in the arms of another. If it weren't for the love and care of my two friends, I wouldn't be here. I believe God worked in similar ways for us to find Him in a whole new meaning, the Truth :).

School today was real interesting, I actually stayed in the library and read my reading...I plan on going to the library tomorrow too, and the next. lol. School is a real big wake up call to my lazy side. I am prepared to take on my first school year with God, ever. I called my grandparents today too, to thank them for their card. I told my grandma I can "feel her love now, all the way from a different city." Because I truly can. I don't know what the plan is for me, but this week has been truly life-changing. God is my guide...

So, you have an upcoming surgery? On your back? How daunting, a back injury!! I will think of you when it comes to overcoming pain. What happened? Are you able to work or are stuck at home pretty much? Also, if I may, do you attend church?

Much love, many blessings, may you sleep well, dream well, and wake up well! Good night I shall speak to you soon :D.

Had TONS of trouble with Safari last night. My browser kept closing unexpectedly and to top it off when i'd post a response it was gone. UGH. Finally I gave up. I'm going to post this as a test and if it posts i'll respond in length after I take the kids to school. Sorry about that last night, I was frustrated beyond belief. I just updated my software last night and for the first time since having my Mac it seems to have caused problems. So frustrating. Okay, so here goes a test post and again, i'm super sorry I couldn't get a msg to you last night to tell you I was having problems posting...Hugs

No worries, angel. Hopefully the problem won't be a problem any more as I missed you. Maybe I should create an account just in case you need to send a pm ;]. Get back to me whenever you can. I'll always be waiting <3.

Indeed. As was once said, he who is without sin cast the first stone. People feel the need to take it upon themselves to be the arbiters of right and wrong. And when they do they have to tear you down to correct the perceived wrong. It's such a backwards way of thinking. I don't like what you do so instead of trying to talk with you to understand, I'm going to insult you to make you feel guilty. I'm sure it the shoot was lovely though. If only people looked for the beauty in life.

I kind of lived the opposite in that when I moved to the mostly Caucasian neighborhood the fighting and violence stopped. It mostly turned into discrimination which I wasn't fine with but it turned out for the best. It helped me find those who accepted me for me and those are the ones who I would go to war with (so to speak). Though I do understand your fighting when attacked. While we had different situations they were the same in principle. And with that we learned how to be stronger humans when faced with adversity and how to love when faced with acceptance. <3. I'll make sure not to offend you though lol. That kick boxing can be a bit scary ;D.

Thank you for the kind words. ;] Nothing makes me happier than seeing rose red cheeks. <3.

The blessing of your children sounds like it was worth the price of your marriage. That sucks that you felt trapped though. It seems like the worst place to be in when making a decision is when you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. And it is insane, which is one of the things that I dislike about it. It's a big show of ego and arrogance with modern weddings. Look how big the ring is, look at the size of the cake, see how much my dress cost. All that matters to me is if I love you and you love me. If you wanted to get married I wouldn't be adverse to the idea, just that I would want it as simple as possible. A small ceremony under the light of the sky works perfectly for me. I'm sure it will find you. You are a beautiful and caring woman. It's hard to keep that to yourself for too long ;].

What are you children's names and how old?



Hello lovey!!

So last night was just a bad night for me here. Every time I tried to post a response on ANY thread it disappeared. After writing several paragraphs multiple times only to have them disappear, I gave up. I went to bed and thankfully slept fairly well. How was your night?

Rosy cheeks seems to be something you are good at, LOL <3

The blessing of my children was well worth the tears shed and heartache endured. I would do it again, just a little differently <3 Children are amazing and I cannot imagine my life without mine. To be honest, I don't remember my life before my children, thats how wonderful having children is!! Crazy, huh?

My son, Noah is 6 and my daughter Hannah is 3. Very cute kids. My daughter looks just like me and so does my son only he has darker hair while my daughters is a beautiful golden brown that turns blonde in the sun. He has dark eyes, she has hazel eyes. Almost polar opposites. Sibling rivalry is the big issue at this age and the fact that my 6 year old has been invaded by the attitude of a 13 year old. Happened over night. I've been told my many mothers of boys before me that it is a right of passage that starts at 6 and continues until 13 when at least you can reason with them. Go figure, LOL. It's okay, they are good kids.

My day was long today. I had a lot to do in a little bit of time and I was in pain so it wasn't the best day to have things to do. Oh well. Now i'm relaxing while the kids watch Tron, the original.

How was your day? Any dreams to tell me about?

Hello, it's been nice to come home to your words the past week! I definitely do take time to process everything you say, to the fullest extent I am truly fascinated. I must admit I take a couple hours sometimes to fully take in your words. lol. This week has been a HUGE learning experience, in ways unexpected to me my life has greatly altered in the past few days alone!! I am SO stoked that you have been able to *teach* me lessons about issues that have been on my mind. Today at work, I thought of our talk the whole time. I have this little book called "The Lakota Way", it was assigned to me for a freshman orientation class but I never read it, and the chapter I read was "Truth"...here is a little passage I read while I was at work today: Sometimes truth is like the wind, you can't see it but you can see the effect that it has. Truth is also like sunrise and sunset. We see the sun come up over the eastern horizon in the morning and then disappear behind the western horizon in the evening. From the perspective of our on a spinning sphere, the sun appears to "rise" and "set." In reality, the sun does neither." Truth is what we make it to be if we choose to believe or choose not to believe;I'm glad I chose to believe this way, and I am glad you have been a *Big* part of it.

How great! 18 chickens and no farm?! hah that is awesome bless you for raising chickens! How awesome you love the outdoors too, I LOVE wilderness, but sadly I rarely get to do stuff like that anymore. You definitely are good at what you say you are, conflict resolution is definitely your type of thing! I am awed with how easy it is for me to open up certain things to you. That is a God given gift you have...
Your testimony is wonderful! I got chills throughout my body. You seized your God given opportunity to turn your dear death experience into His works and His love!!! Very inspiring for me to know :). Thanks for the story, compressed as it may be. I feel even more connected now because a near death experience triggered a whole new meaning of God for me and was one of the factors that proved God to me too. I too became helpless and humble, and in the arms of another. If it weren't for the love and care of my two friends, I wouldn't be here. I believe God worked in similar ways for us to find Him in a whole new meaning, the Truth :).

School today was real interesting, I actually stayed in the library and read my reading...I plan on going to the library tomorrow too, and the next. lol. School is a real big wake up call to my lazy side. I am prepared to take on my first school year with God, ever. I called my grandparents today too, to thank them for their card. I told my grandma I can "feel her love now, all the way from a different city." Because I truly can. I don't know what the plan is for me, but this week has been truly life-changing. God is my guide...

So, you have an upcoming surgery? On your back? How daunting, a back injury!! I will think of you when it comes to overcoming pain. What happened? Are you able to work or are stuck at home pretty much? Also, if I may, do you attend church?

Much love, many blessings, may you sleep well, dream well, and wake up well! Good night I shall speak to you soon :D.




Hello my friend <3

How was your day today? I'm sorry I didn't get to respond to you last night or sooner for that matter. Last night my computer kept crashing. I had to update Safari and ever since i've updated it i've had trouble and in addition every time I came here I would respond to a post and it would disappear, quite frustrating.

My near death experience has much more to tell, I really gave you a cliffs notes version ultimate! I did leave out one important part. I felt no fear. As they took me to the O.R. I knew my chances of surviving were grim to none. My hemoglobin was 6 and my hematocrit was 8! It was a miracle just to know that I had survived for two days before going into shock with levels that low. As I was about to be put under the anesthesiologist said "when you wake up you probably will still be on the vent, you will see what is going on but you'll be paralyzed from the medication". I knew that already, I knew it would take a miracle for me to survive. Being a nurse, I knew exactly what the tests meant and the fact I had gone into DIC made it even less likely that i'd pull through. So while I waited in the O.R. to be put under I began to pray and I said, "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil for thou art with me, thy rod and they staff comfort me" then I continued by telling God that if it was my time to go that all I asked was that He took care of my son and made sure he stayed with my mom, not my ex husband. I also told Him that I wasn't ready to go but I understood if He wanted me in heaven. Everything went dark after that and I don't remember anything for about two days. My mom said that while she waited with our pastor and family in the waiting room she saw me clear as day walk out of the O.R., I looked at her, smiled and then she said I walked forward several steps and then turned and went back into the O.R. Needless to say, that was my spirit. My mom and I share the ability to see spirits and because of our connection, she was able to see me and I saw her while I was in spirit form when I smiled at her. She also said that several times while I was in the ICU she was praying fervently and felt a hand touch her shoulder and she would put her hand there thinking it was my dad but no one was there. I believe this was the hand of Jesus comforting her. Anyway, long story short, 7 units of blood, 8 days later and 16 pounds lighter I left the hospital and returned home to my son who was only 2 at the time. While in the hospital I was told that I could never conceive or carry another child to term due to the extensive surgery they performed on my abdomen. 4 months later I got pregnant with my daughter and carried her to term and....had her naturally.

She is my angel and her name is two fold. I named her Hannah first for my grandmothers grandmother who she never got to meet and my dads sister who died when she was less than a week old. Her name also has Biblical relevance though after the story of Hannah. In the book of Samuel you will find the story of Hannah. Hannah was a woman who was the second wife of a man but she could not bear children. Her husband had children with his other wife however he adored Hannah and treated her with much love despite her inability to give him children. Hannah desperately wanted a child so one day she went to the temple and prayed at the steps and told God that if He would give her a child she would vow to return that child to Him to be raised by the priests at the temple and that he would remain a Nazarite. God heard Hannah's fervent prayer that day and he bestowed upon her a son. She named him Samuel. She raised him until he was just weaned from her breast (still a very young toddler) and brought him to the temple where she handed him over to the priest just as she had promised God. She later went on to have 5 more children!

So, Hannah is my blessing. I was like Hannah in the book of Samuel, I fervently prayed and asked God to bless me with one more child. I prayed for a son and was delivered a daughter whom I adore and love with all my heart, equally just as I love my son.

I was a Christian prior to all this as I was raised in the church but just within the last 4 years my relationship with Christ has strengthened tremendously. He IS my rock and my salvation! I would be lost without Him. I put my faith in Him and He has yet to let me down. What I receive when I pray may not always be what I asked but He does always deliver what He knows is right for me.

What was the circumstance surrounding your experience if you don't mind my asking? You said you were with friends?

Yes, I do have an upcoming surgery. I hurt my back restraining a violent patient at work who had assaulted another patient. I actually ended up breaking two bones but it will be okay. I just need to get the surgery so life can go back to normal. It has sucked but I have to find faith that it is part of God's plan. It was a freaky thing to have happen in the manner it did. It's okay though, I try to stay positive about it as much as possible but there are days it gets the best of me. I've been off work for 10 months now waiting for the surgery. At this point, the sooner, the better for many reasons.

Yes, I do attend church. My kids love Sunday school and we go to a mega church of sorts. They have awesome music, a great minister and a great program for the kids. It's very family oriented. I was raised Methodist but go to a cross between a Baptist and Methodist church now. It's awesome, we are very blessed.

I am so glad you called your grandma! God is working in you in wonderful ways! How awesome! I bet she loved hearing form you. So she is in another city, are you away at college in a dorm or are you at home and they live elsewhere?

I am glad school is going so well! Studying is important! Don't slip on it. It may seem like it's easy to get some play time in and study later but once you are behind it's hard to get caught up, but you already know that because you are so close to graduating!!! YAY...okay, i'll get off my motherly rant <3

I hope today was blessed and that you had a good day.

Okay hun, I want to get this posted so you see it and I am going to tuck my babies in their beds. Hugs my friend