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One "rule" that I wish someone had told me earlier is...

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1361275
Canada
09/13/2011 05:53 PM
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One "rule" that I wish someone had told me earlier is...
DON'T EMBARRASS ANOTHER PERSON.

I was about 28 when a girlfriend told me of this rule on how to interact with other people. Hearing it was like an small epiphany in my mind.

I am not talking about when you are trying to embarrass someone on purpose, in some sort of fight or something...well, that is your decision as an adult if you want to do that (it's probably not wise...).

I am more talking about, just in regular everyday conversation, with people that you are friendly with...there are many ways we embarrass other people without you really realizing it. When you make someone look stupid, or not know the answer, or look incompetent... you are embarrassing them in a small way. This makes them back into a figurative corner. When you embarrass someone, they do not forget it. You may not even realize it, but they do, and, trust me on this, they will make sure you are at least hurt to the same degree at some point in the future. You create small enemies all over when you embarrass people these ways.

Since I realized this concept...and how I sometimes spoke to other people...it made me change my behavior. And I think that I "get more" back from people these days because of it...

Just one of my small, but important, life lessons...
FatGoose

User ID: 29026
United States
09/13/2011 06:21 PM
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Re: One "rule" that I wish someone had told me earlier is...
Makes sense … however, we all have a role to play. If everyone did that – sure, we’d all feel more friendly and cozy, but nothing would ever get done… or at least nothing would ever get done correctly. Unfortunately it would just enable others to continue being dumbasses. There are certain people who are gifted at showing others just how much of dumbass they are being. Yes, they’ll get upset – but if they never get upset, they’ll never change their behavior.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1504595
United States
09/13/2011 06:31 PM
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Re: One "rule" that I wish someone had told me earlier is...
I see both of your points of view. When there is a hierarchy, it is the supervisor (parent, mentor) who sometimes has to embarrass another in order to make sure that person knows what he's doing is wrong. Sometimes it's kinder to embarrass in the long run. However, people who are "good" at embarrassing others because they think it's their job to point out another's mistakes/stupidity is probably more than likely just a jackass.
FatGoose

User ID: 29026
United States
09/13/2011 06:38 PM
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Re: One "rule" that I wish someone had told me earlier is...
I see both of your points of view. When there is a hierarchy, it is the supervisor (parent, mentor) who sometimes has to embarrass another in order to make sure that person knows what he's doing is wrong. Sometimes it's kinder to embarrass in the long run. However, people who are "good" at embarrassing others because they think it's their job to point out another's mistakes/stupidity is probably more than likely just a jackass.
 Quoting: Faith


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It’s a burden we bear… a sacrifice for the greater good :o)
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Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1504595
United States
09/13/2011 06:44 PM
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Re: One "rule" that I wish someone had told me earlier is...
I see both of your points of view. When there is a hierarchy, it is the supervisor (parent, mentor) who sometimes has to embarrass another in order to make sure that person knows what he's doing is wrong. Sometimes it's kinder to embarrass in the long run. However, people who are "good" at embarrassing others because they think it's their job to point out another's mistakes/stupidity is probably more than likely just a jackass.
 Quoting: Faith


*****
It’s a burden we bear… a sacrifice for the greater good :o)
*****
 Quoting: FatGoose


I appreciate you guys sometimes. I work with a bunch of women and let me tell you, women hold grudges forever. If other people keep things stirred up and the drama flowing, then I can fly under the radar. This makes my life so much simpler. hf
Mister ObviousModerator
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09/13/2011 06:45 PM

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Re: One "rule" that I wish someone had told me earlier is...
Thank you very much for sharing that insight, OP...


hf
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1512989
United States
09/13/2011 06:56 PM
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Re: One "rule" that I wish someone had told me earlier is...
DITTO ^^^
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 1361275
Canada
09/13/2011 06:57 PM
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Re: One "rule" that I wish someone had told me earlier is...
I agree with all the points made above... but I was referring to another form of subtle embarrassment that you probably don't even realize you are doing when you speak to someone in a friendly tone.

Consider this situation...you are having dinner with a couple that you are close friends with. The husband is telling you about the new porch he built, using a certain design. You know from your own experience that this design has some technical issues to it, and that it may in fact not be legal in your area...do you tell him this?

Most people would say something right off the top of their heads without evening thinking about it. What I am saying, is that, knowing that the porch is already built, there is no point in bringing this up right at the moment when the guy is excitedly telling you about it. Also, if you do so, you are immediately going to make him look bad in front of his wife = never do this. So you should just nod your head and tell him that it is great.

Later on, when you are in private with him, if you really feel he needs to know, you can mention that you have a magazine that talks about all the new types of porches out there (and which you know talks about this legal issue). The guy will find out about it on his own, in due time, as there is no real rush at this point. And you will have helped your friend, without embarrassing him. He will see you as a helpful person who he can trust and share information with, rather then someone to be guarded around.

Most people wouldn't do this though...they would just blurt something out... and they would really embarrass their friend without thinking about it. This is the sort of subtle embarrassment that I am talking about. This is what I try to avoid doing these days.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1512989
United States
09/13/2011 06:59 PM
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Re: One "rule" that I wish someone had told me earlier is...
okay we get it now
FatGoose

User ID: 1326813
United States
09/15/2011 09:44 PM
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Re: One "rule" that I wish someone had told me earlier is...
I agree with all the points made above... but I was referring to another form of subtle embarrassment that you probably don't even realize you are doing when you speak to someone in a friendly tone.

Consider this situation...you are having dinner with a couple that you are close friends with. The husband is telling you about the new porch he built, using a certain design. You know from your own experience that this design has some technical issues to it, and that it may in fact not be legal in your area...do you tell him this?

Most people would say something right off the top of their heads without evening thinking about it. What I am saying, is that, knowing that the porch is already built, there is no point in bringing this up right at the moment when the guy is excitedly telling you about it. Also, if you do so, you are immediately going to make him look bad in front of his wife = never do this. So you should just nod your head and tell him that it is great.

Later on, when you are in private with him, if you really feel he needs to know, you can mention that you have a magazine that talks about all the new types of porches out there (and which you know talks about this legal issue). The guy will find out about it on his own, in due time, as there is no real rush at this point. And you will have helped your friend, without embarrassing him. He will see you as a helpful person who he can trust and share information with, rather then someone to be guarded around.

Most people wouldn't do this though...they would just blurt something out... and they would really embarrass their friend without thinking about it. This is the sort of subtle embarrassment that I am talking about. This is what I try to avoid doing these days.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1361275


**********
Understood - my only adjustment (for me) would be that I wouldn't hope that he discovers the legal issue on his own in the magazine (or whatever may apply to the situation)... I'd point it out - yes in private - and encourage him to look into it and see if there's anything he can do about it.

But I do see your point :o)
**********
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 25559382
New Zealand
11/10/2012 04:51 PM
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Re: One "rule" that I wish someone had told me earlier is...
bump
I know...
User ID: 5813027
United States
11/10/2012 05:02 PM
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Re: One "rule" that I wish someone had told me earlier is...
DON'T EMBARRASS ANOTHER PERSON.

I was about 28 when a girlfriend told me of this rule on how to interact with other people. Hearing it was like an small epiphany in my mind.

I am not talking about when you are trying to embarrass someone on purpose, in some sort of fight or something...well, that is your decision as an adult if you want to do that (it's probably not wise...).

I am more talking about, just in regular everyday conversation, with people that you are friendly with...there are many ways we embarrass other people without you really realizing it. When you make someone look stupid, or not know the answer, or look incompetent... you are embarrassing them in a small way. This makes them back into a figurative corner. When you embarrass someone, they do not forget it. You may not even realize it, but they do, and, trust me on this, they will make sure you are at least hurt to the same degree at some point in the future. You create small enemies all over when you embarrass people these ways.

Since I realized this concept...and how I sometimes spoke to other people...it made me change my behavior. And I think that I "get more" back from people these days because of it...

Just one of my small, but important, life lessons...
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1361275


luckily you learned it, some people never do. there is nothing worse than someone deliberately embarrassing or humiliating you. It does a real job to your self esteem and it is the worst kind of emotional/verbal abuse because people think if its done in a 'joking' manner its okay.