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what do you do when someone hurts you?

 
kettlebell kid
User ID: 2963359
United States
10/09/2011 03:31 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
bumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumphfpeace
kettlebell kid
User ID: 2963359
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10/09/2011 03:31 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
bumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumphfpeace
julianjerrel (OP)

User ID: 1562360
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10/10/2011 02:04 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
Dave Ramsey always suggests a book called Boundaries as a way to develop healthy relationships with family. I've been wanting to order it for my and for my sisters and in fact just went to his website and placed my order.

I think you need to recognize when a relationship is really toxic and move on in life without it. First, I think you need to make an effort to explain to the person how you are feeling and give them the opportunity to change. Good luck OP.
 Quoting: TexasGirl


thank you.
julianjerrel (OP)

User ID: 1562360
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10/10/2011 02:23 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
I truly and deeply appreciate your question, OP... been there done that more times than I care to count.

Don't know if it will help, but the only thing that has ever brought some semblance of relief from this pain/heartbreak, is when I try to deeply understand where these people are coming from. Normally, I would look within myself first, but you obviously have already done this from what I can gather. There is a point that dissecting oneself too much just doesn't work.

Trying to understand their disfunction, deep-seated anger, pain usually helps me to come out of these painful situations... key word usually. ;)
Sometimes it just takes time and yes, we do get stronger, but not tougher. I still love completely, but am more secure in myself so the depth of my understanding where they're coming from makes my ride a little easier.

I look back on the above and words are so inadequate to express what I'm trying to say... I just hope it helps a wee bit, OP.

hugs
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 455519


thank you i really i appreciate the advice. and yes i do this as well and i find it helps much. looking to understand that persons disfunctions and what internal conflicts they may have which resulted in the behavior helps me also because you always come to the conclusion that people are making decisions in ways that are the best that they know how. and i dont mean consciously knowing right from wrong. i mean that at subconscious levels that person is behaving in ways to reinforce their beliefs about themselves and about how to deal with different situations in life. ALSO, doing this helps point out conflicts within OURSELVES because the negative archetypes we see that bothers/hurts us in OTHER people are reflections or external representations of our shadow selves or what it is we have inside us that that needs healing. so from this perspective we can then become aware of a deeper understanding of what needs to be released from our psyche to heal not only ourselves but our collective consciousness as well
hf
julianjerrel (OP)

User ID: 1562360
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10/10/2011 02:34 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
This made me almost cry. Boy do I know what you're going through.

Someone once told me, "The opposite of love is indifference." You say the heart pain is so intense to be hurt by someone you love, and that you have an open heart, which makes the pain even more. I can relate to that. I just got my heart broken after knowing someone I loved for four years and RIGHT after I told him my deepest secret that I don't share with everyone, for it's embarrassing.

How do you deal with the hurt they cause you? Day by day combatting negative thoughts with love and forgiveness, and like the other person said, trying to put yourself in their shoes. For me, it's not easy to get over the feelings of hurt and betrayal. I guess it just takes time, or perhaps counseling. Also, keep yourself busy so you don't dwell on it.
 Quoting: ThreshingSword 1094930


THANK YOU SO MUCH. THIS TOUCHED ME.

yes it is hard for us to deal with these pains. even when facing them with love and forgiveness these negative forces of emotion can be very hard to release. i do agree with you also, it DOES take time. i feel a gradual release is more practical then believing something like what you described could be emotionally dealt with completely just with forgiveness and deep thought. the pain of betrayal will exist until this deep emotional energy is adequately dealt with and healed over time w consistent evaluation, acceptance and growth in connection to your higher/true self.
hf
julianjerrel (OP)

User ID: 1562360
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10/10/2011 02:35 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
When someone hurts you it comes from their ignorance. They usually do not grasp the effect their actions have on others ... however, there are those who FULLY understand the effects of their actions and revel in the pain they cause ... but that is a different story ...

What to do? UNDERSTAND ... understanding why people behave they way they do always helps and allows you to become less emotionally reactive.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1229308


THIS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. GREAT INSIGHT.
julianjerrel (OP)

User ID: 1562360
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10/10/2011 02:40 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
Ask every dam time they do it, ask ask ask say why have you done this why have you done that?..It makes me feel this way etc...

They will be unaware of their behavior or it's effects upon you unless you let them know every single time, and even then you will have to break the cycle that they are trapped in well you will have to help them to break their cycle by making them aware of it.

Good luck, you are not alone...Just do the best you can do.
 Quoting: oRbZ


THANK YOU.
julianjerrel (OP)

User ID: 1562360
United States
10/10/2011 02:43 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
Best thing about this thread so far is nobody acting nasty. Alot of love here and it's the reason I stick around this sometimes caustic site.

I am dealing with a friend and family members who have nhurt me deeply as well. I wish we could all be like that Jesus guy and forgive, unfourtunatly we are human.

Best advice, try to see it from their perspective, try telling them one time about the hurt they have caused you, forgive them and then move on.

Yes sometimes time can heal , but there comes a time when you just have to break away, as painfull as that is.

My heart goes out deeply to you. God bless and can we please keep a positive thread like this going...gives me hopehfhfrockonrockontoungetoungepeacepeacebanana2banana25a5ayodayodabumpbump
 Quoting: kettlebell kid 2963359


banana2banana2banana2hfafrotoungehugssnoggingbanana2banana2banana2

THANK YOOOOOU;)
anonymous
User ID: 1495317
United States
10/10/2011 02:48 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?

Let me share with you folks my story with family members.

I have lived 12 years down south(USA) and not once have I received a visit from my second oldest brother(vietnam vet)who lives in New York.

I could't count how many times I helped him out after he came home fromr the war.I lived with him for nine months after my father died of lung cancer.My brother took it very hard and was emotionally unstabe for many months afterward.

My oldest brother and I have had a very good relationship(so I thought)over the years until one day I told him and his wife not to bother to come over my house one day on there last visit down south.They also live in N.Y.

Why did I do this you might ask?
Well in over 12 years of living here and them visiting evey year for 2 weeks (they stay at my sisters house 5 miles from me)never have they thought of coming over and having dinner with MY family at MY house or spending ONE night with us!!!!!

So it's been six months since their last visit and I haven't spoken to then since.They just don't get it.What about MY feelings?

My older sister is also blind to how SHE has allowed through her behavior(actions of hording them during their visits)to have this situation to fester with me over the years.


Someone in my family has the same problem, when family comes in they won't visit her. I can't tell her the trust, but she is ill and has a lot of cats and smokes and she is a hoarder . I feel sorry for her, but it's the truth.
OneEyedWoman

User ID: 2046149
United States
10/10/2011 02:51 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
Draw a picture of their death.
Write a story about there death.
Build a city based on their death
wallow in self pity
pray
wait
???
profit
Just around and I'll be there, I'm moving into your atmosphere.

Romans 8:39 Any other living thing cannot keep us away from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:15
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, ""Abba," Father."

Now accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions. –Romans 14:1

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1439176
United States
10/10/2011 02:57 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
What is a tar baby?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1439176
United States
10/10/2011 03:10 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
I laugh at them. It says more for them than you. When something is patently absurd, you laugh at it. You take it's power to harm you away. You deny the ability of said person to make a Tar Baby of you. You're attached to what you attack... there's a lot of wisdom in Breir Rabbit, really. By calling it "racist" they denied whole generations the ability to recognize tar babies for what they are.
 Quoting: Snoocherdoodle (Queen Bea)


Please explain.

I was only 3 when I saw the Song of the South.
Whats a tar baby?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 2430841
Czech Republic
10/10/2011 03:12 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
He's only going to comment on the right being left cause he's stupid so predicable.

harhar
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 3021721
United States
10/10/2011 03:13 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?

Let me share with you folks my story with family members.

I have lived 12 years down south(USA) and not once have I received a visit from my second oldest brother(vietnam vet)who lives in New York.

I could't count how many times I helped him out after he came home fromr the war.I lived with him for nine months after my father died of lung cancer.My brother took it very hard and was emotionally unstabe for many months afterward.

My oldest brother and I have had a very good relationship(so I thought)over the years until one day I told him and his wife not to bother to come over my house one day on there last visit down south.They also live in N.Y.

Why did I do this you might ask?
Well in over 12 years of living here and them visiting evey year for 2 weeks (they stay at my sisters house 5 miles from me)never have they thought of coming over and having dinner with MY family at MY house or spending ONE night with us!!!!!

So it's been six months since their last visit and I haven't spoken to then since.They just don't get it.What about MY feelings?

My older sister is also blind to how SHE has allowed through her behavior(actions of hording them during their visits)to have this situation to fester with me over the years.


Someone in my family has the same problem, when family comes in they won't visit her. I can't tell her the trust, but she is ill and has a lot of cats and smokes and she is a hoarder . I feel sorry for her, but it's the truth.
 Quoting: geerod


How is your sister forcing them to stay with her?

I really for bad that you're suffering from this situation. Do you have any idea why they did that?
Did they have children about the same age that play together? Or perhaps the same lifestyle that you don't share, drinking or smoking or playing cards or just watching movies? Do they keep in touch with each other more than you do? Maybe, it's possible that she is paying for everything. Or perhaps they just have more fun with her-which I can understand may be hurtful to you. I'm just wondering why you would get mad and disown them when it seems you don't know why they choose to spend so much time with her instead of you. It may help if you were to seek answers.

The answers may be hurtful, they may be just something so obvious that you could be overlooking (such as they are smokers and you are not, etc...). 24 hours a day is a long time if one shares a different lifestyle to spend supressing that lifestyle. I'm sorry, I obviously don't have the answer, but it seems you don't either. Have you thought to ask?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 3021721
United States
10/10/2011 03:24 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
Let me share with you folks my story with family members.

I have lived 12 years down south(USA) and not once have I received a visit from my second oldest brother(vietnam vet)who lives in New York.

I could't count how many times I helped him out after he came home fromr the war.I lived with him for nine months after my father died of lung cancer.My brother took it very hard and was emotionally unstabe for many months afterward.

My oldest brother and I have had a very good relationship(so I thought)over the years until one day I told him and his wife not to bother to come over my house one day on there last visit down south.They also live in N.Y.

Why did I do this you might ask?
Well in over 12 years of living here and them visiting evey year for 2 weeks (they stay at my sisters house 5 miles from me)never have they thought of coming over and having dinner with MY family at MY house or spending ONE night with us!!!!!

So it's been six months since their last visit and I haven't spoken to then since.They just don't get it.What about MY feelings?

My older sister is also blind to how SHE has allowed through her behavior(actions of hording them during their visits)to have this situation to fester with me over the years.

Anyway you see how family can be.Mostly one sided with relationships,especially with close family ones.I just don't care anymore.It's not worth the effort with them!!!!!

Signed:
Screw the family!!!!!!!!!
 Quoting: geerod


Have you inquired why they prefer to stay over there?
Has your older sister been to visit them in NY more often than you go to NY to visit?

I was just wondering what they say the reason is.
 Quoting: D'Light


bump
Valtor

User ID: 1362544
Canada
10/10/2011 03:51 PM

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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
OP my friend, these catalysts comes more often and are harder at this time. My situation currently looks like yours.

IMHO, we can only use these catalysts to increase our habitability to accept people and situations exactly the way they are...
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julianjerrel (OP)

User ID: 1562360
United States
10/10/2011 04:15 PM
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Re: what do you do when someone hurts you?
OP my friend, these catalysts comes more often and are harder at this time. My situation currently looks like yours.

IMHO, we can only use these catalysts to increase our habitability to accept people and situations exactly the way they are...
 Quoting: Valtor


this is absolutely relevant thank you. yes i believe the catalytic situations in our lives are rapid increasing in frequency as well. and ACCEPTING (as you said) these experiences, these ideas, these energies, and remaining non-dualised in perspective, we can transcend the negative experience completely.

much love.

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