I gave up trying to fix a mess (my life) that I was incapable of fixing.



I called out for help, not knowing who or what I was calling to.



I chose to forgive someone whom the world told me I had every reason never to forgive.



These three things all happened in an instant, in a moment outside of time. No-one preached to me, and my "prayer" (I was an atheist then) was just two words and unspoken:


HELP ME



In the darkness of death, I was given the choice to forgive. I was made to understand that this choice was the right one and would rid me of all my pain. I was also made to understand that if I chose not to forgive, the pain that had overwhelmed me to the point of death would not go away, and would only get worse.


I chose to forgive because I wanted the pain to stop.


The instant that I chose to forgive, I was shown that all of the pain that I had felt was pain that I had earned. No-one had done anything to me that I hadn't first done to them or to someone else.


Then there was the sound of wind rushing into me and all around me -- and I began to breathe again. I opened my eyes, and the pain was gone. The feeling was indescribable. There are no human words to describe it. The closest are: Joy, elation, euphoria, ecstasy. I know now that what I felt that day, and for several weeks after, is what heaven feels like, only better. I was given a foretaste as a gift, and a reminder.



A half hour later, back at the place where I was house-sitting, I started reading the New Testament for the first time in my life (I was 36), and I understood that the indescribable joy I felt was because I'd been "born again", healed, made whole. Demons I had brought onto myself through my words and actions had been expelled, God's spirit had come into me, and I'd become a Jesus freak. No-one preached to. I'd known nothing of Christianity except to mock it. That was 12 years ago, and I'm still a Jesus freak.


We all come to God in our own way. God adjusts himself to where we are, and lifts us up to where we need to be, with our approval (he won't override our free will). We see Jesus doing this all the time in the Gospels -- lifting people up when they lay prostrate and weeping in front of him.


Conversion is as unique as our fingerprints. There are as many conversion stories as there are converts. And by the way -- I am not saved, I'm born again. None of us knows if we're actually 'saved' until our life's course is done. God alone judges, but the constant companionship of his spirit helps us (not forces us) to live our lives in accordance with his will, which is:


to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God.

Micah 6:8



"O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me."

Psalm 31