Sean Penn Undergoes Asshole Surgery

Sean Penn Undergoes Asshole Surgery

Los Angeles, CA – Sean Penn has announced that he has undergone surgery to receive a larger asshole.

“I just felt like I had outgrown my old one,” Penn told reporters. “It was holding me back. I have more antagonistic, disgusting Hollywood arrogance inside me, but I just couldn’t express it properly. With my new expanded asshole, I will finally be able to do myself justice.”

The surgery, which took only an hour, is the first of its kind, although judging from the buzz in Hollywood, will likely not be the last. Celebrities from Mel Gibson to James Cameron to Madonna have expressed interest in the procedure. Interestingly, as excited as Hollywood gets about new surgeries, they have yet to rally behind another new procedure that promises to enlarge the brain.

“We kind of prefer not to know how the real world works,” an anonymous celebrity confessed. “That allows us to spend our time championing pathetic causes and being progressive and unrealistic, while still feeling relevant.”

Penn’s doctor was impressed by the simplicity of the surgery. “I think Penn was the perfect candidate for the procedure’s debut,” he said. “My work was made easy by the raw material already there.”