... Quoting: Anonymous Coward 10978371
Maybe my reactions were my own.
But what sparked those reactions was not MY doing.
But I was a child..how in the world was I supposed to KNOW?
I do have a lot to regret and things that cannot be undone.
I also know about reaping what was sown. I live it every day.
If I could just go back to where it all started and tell those bastards to piss off..then I would not have been confused and led up the garden path.
I was only a child then..how was I to know the difference?
I was an ex JW child too..throw THAT into the mix..all the fear and death and doom..
You going to keep judging me?
Ive had a lifetime of doctrine..confusion..misleadings..fear..
But I KNOW..I know..I saw..I felt..
Then it was taken from me...
I didnt know how to find it again.
Lose your keys in a vast feild..how long do you think it will take you to find them again?
Pity party you call it?
Well..perhaps some of it is.
But if you had been through what I had been through..I am sure you would be feeling a bit miffed as well.
I am getting so jaded now..I KNOW what that means..and yet..I cant seem to stop..and I am getting desperate..and yet..I almost dont care anymore..and yet I DO care cause If I didnt I would not be telling you all this.
I still seek..I cant help it..
I found the pearl..the treasure..in that feild..and for the life of me..I cant seem to find where it was buried again.
ALL I know for sure is that its there...
But I forgot what steps I took to find it in the first place..it was so long ago.
That is why prayer is so important. You know the children of israel had to walk in the desert 40 years before God brought them back to the starting point once again. You must believe that God is Good or, like some did, you risk falling away. I pray God gives you strength and that you keep believing in His Goodness. It is the only hope you have. You are not the first one to feel desperate nor are you the first one to cry for help. This bitter road will have a Glorious Reward if you do not quit or give up hope.
Thats just it..whatever was planted in me way back then refuses to LET me quit.
Ive even TRIED to quit..being so tired and worn out..but something keeps me going..and going..and going.
I cant ever give up...
I am like a man halfway up a cliff..
I cant go back down..to do so is death..I am too tired to keep climbing..but I MUST..to stay still is also death...
I am just running out of handholds...the closer you get to the top the steeper it becomes..and the less options of where to grasp next you have.
I cant let go...as in..I CANT let go..He wont allow it..he refuses to lose me..even though sometimes I wish he would just so I can REST!
But he also wont give me what I ask...which is to know LOVE again. Maybe I have to complete the climb to find what I saw from the bottom of this mountain.
Yes..I sinned..we all do. Ive done some terrible things in my time..who has not eh?
The past is the past. I only have so much time left.
Perhaps its meant to be this way..the closer you get to the top..the more religious crap falls away..you break through the cloud layer to see that all along you were wrong..THEY were wrong..and God is not the angry bastard they make him out to be.
Well..time will tell wont it?
Im almost out of options..I AM out of options..up is the only way..cant even go sideways from where I sit..its up or death....