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The Complete Idiot's Guide To Talking To Women

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 8842623
Finland
01/15/2012 12:01 AM
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The Complete Idiot's Guide To Talking To Women
Since time immemorial — which is to say it's been going on for such a long time that nobody can remember a time before it — women have been asking men trick questions, and men have been stupidly falling for it time and time after bloody time and time again.

Perhaps it's not been since time immemorial, but whoever it was that royally flubbed it up first either isn't telling, or you're all just too embarrassed to admit when it was that it first happened exactly, so it's easier to just not talk about it and discuss sport instead. As an unwritten rule, men only like to talk about other great men. You may not have noticed, but more books have been written about Charlemagne than say, Carrot Top.

In any event, it's about damned time you quit stumbling blindly into the quicksand, and learned a lesson or two from those brave souls that have gone before.

The following questions have been carefully crafted to prepare you not with simply the words to say, but more importantly, what not to say. Sometimes, an attentive expression and a warm smile is worth a thousand words, whereas your own arse-ish utterances are more likely to have you exiled and spooning with the dog on the back porch. Or worse, behind an unlocked door in your empty bachelors apartment watching a hand-me-down 3rd-generation tape-to-tape copy of Behind the Green Door, replete with fuzz, static and picture blackouts from excessive use of freeze-frame.

[link to uncyclopedia.wikia.com]
nexuseditor

User ID: 8419500
Australia
01/15/2012 12:31 AM
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Re: The Complete Idiot's Guide To Talking To Women
Why it's great being a guy:

Phone conversations last 30 seconds
You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
You can open all your own jars
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight
When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
You can go to the bathroom alone
Your last name stays put
You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
You can kill your own food
The garage is all yours
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
You never have to clean the toilet
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
Wedding plans take care of themselves
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
You don't have to shave below your neck
You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
If you're 34 and single, no one notices
Chocolate is just another snack
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
Flowers fix Everything
You never have to worry about other's feelings
Three pair of shoes are more than enough
You can say anything and not worry about what people think
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
One mood, all the time
You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
Same work........more pay
Gray hair and wrinkles add character
Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks
You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
You don't pass on the desert and then mooch off someone else's
If you retain water, it is in a canteen
The remote is yours and yours alone
You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
"The nature of the universe is such that ends can never justify the means. On the contrary, the means always determine the end."
(Aldous Huxley)

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