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A light that shines in the darkness. (WARNING!!! wall of text).
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01/17/2012 05:40 AM
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Feel free to share your story of Salvation.
This book of questing poetry represents my own
personal transition from a counterfeit back to the
original created being.
Through the questions that I have asked myself, (In
the pursuit of finding purpose and meaning in my
life,) have brought forward other deeper questions
that I have struggled with and eventually found an
My journey as I have recorded here in this book is
not in chronological order. I chose to write the
book in this way as the poems in conjunction with
my journey distinguish a progressive unfolding of
revelation and understanding, realisation and self
awareness, confusion and purpose and finally, trust
To find meaning and purpose in your life, you need
to be willing to confront truth. If you are ready to
find real honest truth in your life, speak it out loud
now, say “I want to know real honest truth”.
Declare it, but beware, knowing truth can hurt,
once you can accept that, an incredible change will
take place in your life, a journey of love and healing
will begin to cleans your soul and life will once
again make sense.
I trust that you will enjoy the read.
Must I die?
You have been warned!
During the years of my youth, through the events
that redefined who I was, I became hardened in my
heart; I grew cold, empty and careless.
None-the-less, what I am about to share with you
served me for a greater eternal purpose.
I stole $120.00 from my uncle, to buy drugs and to
travel north from Brisbane to see my son. Every
close member of my family knew that I had taken
the money and while I was away up north, I
received a phone call from my mother to inform
me that my uncle had been hit by a truck and was
killed! (The uncle that I had stolen the money
I realised that I would never be able to apologize to
this man ever, I could never repay him nor seek his
forgiveness. I decided to stay away from my family
until the dust had settled, although mainly it was
due to my shame.
Eventually I regained my courage and I journeyed
back down south to where most of my family was
living. The first place that I went to visit was my
uncle’s brother, (The one who knew that I had
taken the money).
These two brothers were extremely close to each
other and though my uncle knew of the betrayal
that I had caused his brother, he never said nothing
to me about stealing the money from him.
Late in the afternoon, my uncle and I went to a
drug dealers place to purchase some Marijuana.
We then returned back to my uncle’s place and
proceeded to become heavily stoned. By this time it
was well into the night and my uncle, after having
his share of the weed, decided to call it a night and
went off to his bedroom.
In the pitch darkness of my uncles lounge room, I
curl up in a blanket on the floor where dark
spiritual forces began to wickedly play.
I could hear a strong voice pounding in my head, it
was the voice of my uncle who was still in his room
and this voice was threatening to do great harm to
me over the crime that had offended his brother.
This voice had frightened me so much so that I felt
a strong urge to escape from my uncles house, the
voice had lead me to believe that if I did not leave
the house immediately I would be violently bashed.
I quietly got up from off the floor and went to my
uncles fridge to get a drink of water. After I had
had a drink, I left his house and began a walk deep
into the night that eventually would change my life
As I’m walking away from my uncles house, the
street lights begin to slowly disappear with my ever
quickening step, causing darkness to hide me deep
within its shadow. I begin to walk through a vast
and vacant horse paddock where a strange sense
that I was being followed met me with a talon like
grip. With eyes opened wide, I turn over my
shoulder to see who the cause of this fear may have
been, however not a soul was in sight.
I kept on walking and with every step, the talons of
paranoia sunk deeper into my soul multiplying one
person into a whole crowd of people. Once again I
look over my shoulder but no one was there to be
seen. It literally felt like a whole crowd of people
began to gather behind me and a voice in my mind
relentlessly begins to say,
“You’re going to die, you’re going to die, you’re
going to die”.
Over and over and over constantly.
My mental rebuttal was,
“No I’m not, no I’m not, no I’m not”.
I look behind me once again and still no one is to
be seen, off in the distance I could hear a faint
rumbling of thunder that was becoming closer and
closer and louder and louder.
I began to panic while trying to hurry my walk.
What happens next is very hard to translate into
words; in fact I do not believe there are any suitable
english words to fully describe what actually took
At this moment the thundering rumble was pretty
much on top of me, I looked skywards to see where
the thunder was coming from. To my
astonishment, not a cloud was to be seen in the sky,
the moon was shinning bright and the stars were
twinkling majestically as they do.
The voice in my head, (“You’re going to die”),
finally ceases and just at that moment of temporary
peace, a bomb explosion pierces my ears and four
words erupted out of the thunder.
I could hear the sound audibly as well as through
every intricate fibre of my being, the sound passed
through me and jolted my entire body, I literally
could have melted, right at that moment it was as if
I could have ceased to exist.
I will never ever forget the four words that came
clearly from the voice of thunder, the voice of God!
Those four words were all that needed to be said,
nothing more, for they revealed to me the
seriousness of the careless life that I was choosing to
live. Those four words were simply,
“You Have Been Warned!!!”
Then there was silence, nothing apart from the
night teeming with the sounds of nature.
I walked for about four hours after that, just
walking and thinking about why I had been warned
in such a powerful way. What really troubled me
though, was the voice of thunder and the fact that
not only was it the most powerful expression that I
have ever heard but also the amount of love that
somehow was infused into those four words!
I reached my home, the caravan that I had rented; I
walked inside and collapsed on the bed entirely
exhausted. Laying there and staring at the ceiling, I
“Troy, you’ve finally lost it, you have actually finally
Then I drifted off to sleep.
The perfect Murder!
A few months after this strange encounter, I find
my self out west in a country town were I spent
most of my child hood, here I found a few new
friends that I knocked around with, smoked dope
with and generally got into trouble with.
Previously when I had lived in this particular town I
viciously bashed a man for doing something
extremely violating to my girlfriend at the time.
This time round it was his objective to do me
One particular night this man, a few mutual friends
and myself all pile into a Ute, (front and back) and
head out into the bush to have a party.
Upon arrival to the party site we had built a bonn
fire and then began to drink beer. I was leaning on
the back of a white Ute with a beer in my left hand
and a cigarette in my right hand. With every swig
of my beer I could see the man that I had beaten up
through the flames of the fire. He was drinking his
beer while looking back at me with a cheeky grin on
I thought to myself,
“Well he’s having a good time”.
(Little did I know that he had plotted with the
others to either scare the crap out of me or perhaps
even kill me).
Eventually this man was laughing at me through
the flames of the bonn fire and I began to be quite
suspicious of my surroundings.
I looked towards the front of the Ute to discover
that the drug dealer was bent over in the door of the
Ute, awkwardly trying to do something. I decided
to investigate, I took one step towards the front of
the Ute and a girl that was with him taps him on his
back to alert him of my approach. He straightens
up and looks around, he saw my approach as I
reached in my pocket for a $50 bag of weed that I
had bought off him earlier. I pulled the bag of dope
from my pocket and I asked him if he had any
scissors to chop the dope up with, he replies,
“Ah, yes wait a second”.
I then turned my body to keep an eye on all who
were standing around the fire.
A few moments pass, I then turned back to face the
front of the Ute and the dealer is back bending over
in the door of the Ute working on something
behind the front seat. I looked and saw the butt of
a .22 rifle that he was loading bullets into.
My heart had skipped a beat and I asked him if he
had found the scissors yet, just as I had asked him
that, I looked and saw the scissors with a sheet of
A4 computer paper sitting on the dash above the
I went to reach for them, as I had done this, the girl
quickly reached her hand in and grabbed the
scissors and the paper before I could get close
enough to them, I began to panic! Something was
just not right.
At that moment the best thing that I could think to
do was to get into the Ute, I walked around the
back of the ute with the scissors and the paper and I
climbed into the passenger side of the car. Just as I
done this, the girl quickly climbed into the drivers
seat and then I began to chop the weed. My hands
were trembling and it was proving difficult to
control the scissors, I finished chopping the
marijuana and I packed a cone and then begun to
slowly draw back on the bong.
In my head I was pleading with God to help me, at
this time I did not know much about God at all,
only that He existed and that He had warned me!
A thought passed through my mind to go for a piss
in the bush.
I finished sucking back on my cone and I handed
the paper with the whole $50 worth of pot on it and
the bong to the girl and I said to her as I am
exhaling the smoke,
“Pass this around to the other guys, I have to go for
A big smile spreads over her face and I exited the
I walked deep into the bush and I urinated, while
standing there I conversed with God once again.
Finding no peace in the situation and not being
able to pass it off as me being paranoid, I began to
make the long journey back on foot into town.
About 15 to 20 minutes passed by and I heard a car
quietly approaching, I quickly jumped off the road
into some bushes and I crouched down low peering
over a shrub. The Ute passed very slowly and I
heard a voice from the car saying in a mocking like
“Troy, Troy, where are you? Where not going to
I thought to my self,
For the rest of the way back into town I kept to the
shadows doing my best to stay completely out of
sight, with a few near exposed views of me by car
lights, I finally reached my mothers house.
On entering the house I did not open the door,
rather I climbed through the window and snuck in
without turning any lights on.
I pulled a mattress down from a bed and I quietly
laid it on the floor, in silence I lay there for quite
some time before eventually drifting off to sleep.
Just as I had realized that I was falling to sleep, I
ripped my self back to consciousness, opened my
eyes and sat up in a jolt of fear, I laid back down
cautiously slow and drifted off to sleep once again.
Once again I caught myself sleeping and tore away
from the clutches of fatigue, opened my eyes and
sat up in a jolt of fear; I laid back down and
continued this behaviour until finally I passed out
The fear of death was well and truly put through
The very next day, I walked over to a friends place
and began to smoke dope with her. (I just wouldn’t
While there at her house this friend turned on some
heavy metal music and turned it up loud while I
continued indulging myself on cones. A short
while later I saw her make a phone call and I
thought nothing of it until 15 minutes later when
the guys from the previous night showed up at her
They all came inside single file, fronted by the
dealer followed by the man that I had beaten up,
with the rest of the guys that were there, including
the girl who kept watch.
I was sitting at the kitchen table by myself and
within seconds every chair around the table was
filled with these people. My heart sunk heavy and I
forced a pretentious smile.
They then began to talk about how they could get
away with the perfect murder, how no one would
know and how they had a police officer involved in
their perfect plan.
They would take the body out to an acid tub and be
rid of every single trace of evidence and if some one
did find out, they had a police officer to dispose of
any evidence that may have been mistakenly left.
While they were talking of their murderous plot
they all spoke in a manner of taunting and jest.
I had had enough!!!
I slammed both of my hands down on the kitchen
table and I stood up so quickly that the chair I was
sitting on flew back and hit the wall behind me, I
then yelled at them saying,
“F*#! you all”
I then stormed out of the house to their delightful,
I walked hard, straight to my mother’s house and
packed a bag of clothes. I then walked straight to
the bus stop without telling anyone where I was
going and bought a bus ticket for first bus out of
Pervaded to my conscience I find astray,
A sinful mind, a wicked crime, that bids a price to
pay. I withered away when everything
transferred to a different day, The same
madness remained. Increasingly the shadows
crept upon me and the cold wind blew my way,
Desert storms were forming And with a flicker
my innocence was redundantly made.
Look up across from you!
A few months went by after this incident and I had
decided to head north from Brisbane to a place
where I had spent my teenage years. Before leaving
Brisbane, I asked one of my friends to come with
me as I did not want to hitch hike alone, He agreed
and a few hours later he had his back pack packed
and we left.
Four days later we arrived at the country town
where I went to high school. We pitched our tents
at the local caravan park and began to venture
around the town in search of my old friends. I soon
found one who was not a direct friend of mine but
a friend of my brothers; we went back to his place
and began to get drunk on rum and coke.
When we were partially tanked, this local friend
began to talk about how we should go and rape
these girls, he was very serious so I said,
“Nah man, I’m not taking part in this.”
And I began to exit through the front door, my
friend from Brisbane did not follow.
Just as I had reached the front door I heard a thud,
(the kind of thud that you hear when someone has
just been punched in the face), I thought my friend
from Brisbane had punched the local friend, I went
back to the kitchen to investigate, however to my
surprise it was my Brisbane friends nose that was
bleeding so I grabbed him and we left.
Half way down the street some of my local friend’s
friends were coming towards us, they saw that my
Brisbane friends nose was bleeding and they asked
what had happened, I said that the other friend had
punched my Brisbane friend for calling him a
d-head for talking about raping girls.
These guys suggested that I should go back and flog
him up; I thought yeah I should, so I turned around
and went back to the house.
I walked inside and asked what his problem was, I
then told him to get out side as I was going to fight
him, I walked outside first and went to the middle
of the front yard, he followed and when he had
reached me he dropped his pants and revealed
himself to me and the rest of the guys who had now
gathered to watch.
I guess this guy dropped his pants to try to put me
off, to throw my attention away from the fight;
however I just looked at him laughed and
proceeded to punch into him.
He fell to the ground and rolled onto the bitumen, I
continued to punch my fist hard into his head so
much so that I did not feel the bitumen grazing the
skin from the back of my fist nor the pain caused by
my thumb being broken.
I just kept punching and punching until my
southern friend had pulled me from the fight. I
withdrew and then spat at him and walked off
nursing my bloodied hands and broken thumb.
A few days went buy and the caravan park where
we had pitched our tents was about to close down
due to a lack of business. My friend and I were in
dispute over the matter and both headed off in our
I went to the house where I had punched into my
local friend, and sought his forgiveness to serve my
own purpose of shelter.
We smoothed things over and he allowed me to
That night we scored some weed and we both got
stoned, then out of nowhere about ten of his mates
showed up and sat on chairs in a horse shoe shaped
circle in the lounge room, the party was on with
drugs being pulled out all over the place.
Being that I was primarily a dope smoker I stuck
with the weed, we get totally blasted.
My position in the lounge room was at the end of
the semi circle close to the front door. I sat in a
chair totally oblivious to what was going on around
me, I was in my own peaceful little world, not doing
anything wrong, minding my own business.
In that moment of social withdrawal a still quiet
voice spoke to me in my mind, the voice was
separate from my own thinking voice. It said,
“Look up across from you.”
It was a command and not a question; it was a
direction and not a suggestion.
I looked in the direction and saw a man sitting on a
chair mimicking my posture and staring intensely
at me with such evil intentions. I looked down and
thought to myself, “yeah, whatever d-head!”
I took a draw from my cigarette and the same voice
said to me,
“look up across from you again".
So once again I looked only this time to discover
that this man was still staring at me, still mimicking
my posture and that he had a huge kitchen knife in
his lap that he was subtly hinting at for me to look
The voice said,
“Get out of there now.”
I scooped up my tobacco from off the floor and I
slipped out the front door, there I sat on the porch
and rolled myself another cigarette.
I took a drag from the cigarette and the voice said,
“That’s not far enough! Get right away from there.”
I got up quickly and proceeded to walk down the
front stairs, one of the guys inside comes to the
front door and looks back inside and says to the
others just loud enough so that I could hear,
“He’s getting away, we can’t let him get away, he is
not playing by the rules.”
At that time I had no idea what that man was
talking about but I ripped my shirt off and I walked
down the street ready to fight all of them. I knew I
had no chance of winning, however I had
determined that I was going to make it very difficult
for them to hurt me, I would fight with my very last
breath if I had to.
I reached the centre of the small country town very
shaken up and confused, I leant up against the side
of a building and slid down the wall to hug my legs,
I began to cry, recalling the first time that
something like this had happened and
remembering the warning that was given in a voice
Uncontrollably I began to weep and I looked
skywards and yelled out at the top of my lungs to
“Why do you f*#!en hate me? You’re a c*@#!! I hate
you, you never f*#!en help me”.
I cried harder and a voice with so much love said,
“Troy, I love you more than you will ever know.”
That was it I bawled like a little baby, I cried like I
had never cried before.
When I had settled down, I had three choices to
1. I could go back to the house and pass it off
as me being silly,
2. I could go to another house where they
would know where I was or,
3. I could go to another house where they
would not know where I was.
I could not make that decision as easy as it was. I
was totally disoriented and totally lost without a
clue as to what I should do.
WHY TRY? 2002
When you have done it all
What can you do?
Except feel broken, humble and poor
When you think you have it made
A crack will appear
Everything begins to change
And here I stand
A broken man
Yet to broken
Again and again
Will I ever
Be put back together
In frustration, I pleaded to God for help.
He hinted to me to go to the place where they
would not know where I was, with a little bit of
dignity regained I went to a friend’s house where
they would not know where I was.
It was approximately 3am by the time I got there. I
knocked on his door and as it opened I said,
“I’m in a bit of trouble can I crash here for the rest
of the night?”
I went inside and laid on the floor and he threw me
a pillow and I wearily fell to sleep.
The next morning I woke up and I began to
converse with this strange and powerful God. I said
to Him that I needed to get out of this town. He
replies that I should go back to the enemy’s house
to get my back pack.
Hesitantly I walked back to the other house, when I
arrived there, the front door was wide open and not
a single person was there, I went in and grabbed my
back pack and then I headed back to my other
While walking back I ran into my friend from
Brisbane and I told him that I was leaving town and
with a sigh of relief he agreed and we both went
back to the friend that had let me spend the night.
As it happened his parents were leaving to go to the
next major town to do their shopping, I asked if we
could get a lift to which they said yes.
An instant exit!!
On the way to the next town the parents handed me
$20 without me hinting to the fact that we were
broke with no food.
When we arrived at the next town, my southern
friend and I had decided to wait there until one of
us had a pay cheque from Centrelink, which was
only a couple of days away.
We went to Centrelink and I approached the front
counter to ask if they were aware of any place
around town where my friend and I could safely
pitch our tents for free. The guy at the counter said,
“Actually there is this church just out of town that
has the facilities for this kind of thing”.
Hesitantly I accepted and went there with my
friend and we began to pitch our tents.
A little old lady comes out to greet us, ( Not the
thieving rotten Grandma I met in Woolworths ;)
she barely even says two sentences and hands us
both some pamphlets and then turns around and
goes back inside. I looked at the pamphlets and
realized that they were of a Christian nature and
ignorantly threw them into my tent.
I finished erecting my tent around the same time as
my mate finished his and we both retired for the
In my tent I switched on my torch and began to
read what the pamphlets said.
They were talking about a particular bible verse
where Jesus had said that old things have passed
away and all things become new.
I thought to my self this is exactly what I need, and
then repeated that thought to God. I went to sleep
for the first time in a long time with total peace that
SHIVERS CHILL MY SPINE 2000
Shadows creep upon me
As the cold wind blows my way
Desert storms are brewing
As the ice caps melt away
Shivers chill my spine
As my blood pumps through this time
A cold hand warms my welcome
As the church bells ring and chime
An old man lights a candle
As he takes me by his side
He said, “Son you better listen
Or this world is gonna die
Take this candle in your hand
Never blow it out
It resembles the life you hold
Burning without a doubt
Trust in what is good
For the candle lights your way
Banish what is bad
As the night turns into day”
What this old man told me
Is that you never walk a day
Without the light of God
Who helps to guide your way
What is death like?
When I was first confronted with the devastating
reality that I must die some day, I was utterly
horrified, I find pure joy in knowing that this thing
called life exists and I feel honoured to know life.
When I discovered that I too must die, I began to
ask God what death was like. No answer. I kept
asking Him, I kept bugging Him to tell me what
death was like, then one night He whispered,
"Troy, for you it will be sheer bliss but for some one
who doesn't know me, it will be sheer terror".
Today, I have no anxiety or fear of death, since then
I have been confronted with more near death
circumstances and was able to confirm the peace
and comfort that I have with dying.
I only have this peace because I know what life is,
life is God. In this understanding of life, I can
understand death. The bible says,
"It is appointed once for man to die after this is the
Those who know God will die once i.e. leave their
body and enter to the eternal life state with God.
Those who do not know God will die once leave
their body and then enter into the second death
which is eternal destruction in what has been
labelled as hell.
In saying all this, I conclude that we can truly
understand and deal with death, if we first
understand and deal with life.
We only understand life when we know who life is,
you can meet life through the person of Jesus
Christ, and you find Him by seeking for truth, real
honest genuine truth. When you seek the truth you
will find it. When you find the truth, you find Jesus,
when you find Jesus you must first find death in
Him before you can find life.
If you like what you find then you will be able to
understand and deal with death, thus looking
forward to an eternity of life and more life in the
House of God. (Psssst, Jesus overcame death, in
Him, you can too :)
How deep is the darkness?
A doorway into darkness!
For five years I had been almost constantly stoned
and my days consisted of pursuing that ever fleeting
To help you understand the hunger for the high
you need to know the deception that first pulls you
The first time I had ever smoked marijuana was at
my fathers house where I was living at the age of
fifteen, I ended up at my fathers house due to my
mothers frustration in trying to maintain my
behaviour to which she did not know how to
handle, she believed that at that time in my life I
needed a strong disciplinary father figure to guide
me in the right direction and she was right,
however she chose the wrong male figure to execute
My father would often take little visits to his
bedroom where I would hear a bubbling noise a few
times and he would shortly after reemerge in
somewhat a happier state of mind.
One particular night, my father had a, lets say,
“Dinner date”, and I was left unattended to do as I
Curiosity had got the better of me and I ventured
into my fathers bedroom to investigate what it was
that could possibly be making that bubbling noise I
so very often heard. (I never knew much at all
about drugs up until this point.)
I opened my fathers clothes cupboard, ruffled
around and stumbled upon a small juice bottle that
had a piece of garden hose speared through the
side, I thought this to be a strange thing to do to a
juice bottle. I also then noticed another bowl
alongside the juice bottle and I peered into the bowl
to discover its contents, in this bowl there was a
strange sweet smelling aroma and upon closer
inspection there appeared to be a green plant like
I had previously only started smoking cigarettes
and was not able to recall any tobacco ever
I put two and two together and figured that the
bottle was somehow used for smoking this green
tobacco, reaching into the bowl I picked some of
the plant up and had a generous smell and decided
that it smelt sweet enough to try, also inside the
bowl was a cone shaped metallic object, I placed a
small amount of the green weed into the cone and
figured that the cone would best be used at the end
of the garden hose.
I reached for my lighter placed the juice bottle to
my lips and then lit the weed in the cone and
proceed to inhale ever so slowly and to my surprise
the juice bottle started to bubble from the shallow
water in the bottom of the bottle.
This was certainly the bubbling sound that I had
WHAT CAN I SAY 1999
What can I say?
What can I do?
I’m stuck in this crowd
Can you show me a clue?
We must end to begin
In between we fit in
On this road to ride
Privileges shouldn’t die
I’ve found myself in a hurricane
Around and around, gone insane
Not when or where
But WHY? I say
Do children cry
In plead of change
Will you survive this road to ride?
Will you survive the fire of life?
Will you survive if you’re blind?
What can I say?
What can I do?
I’ve found myself again
Breaking many rules.
“What can I say”, is the expression of knowing that
you have done something wrong and then further
knowing that you should and could have done better
and yet feeling under empowered to make that
change; therefore excusing yourself to the, “what can
I say” type of attitude.
After exhaling the smoke, I waited a few moments
and decided that this was nothing special as
nothing had happened to me, I didn’t feel any
change in my mood and I was certain that this was
supposed to happen as my father would always
emerge in a happier mood then when he first went
Realizing that I would hear a repertoire of bubbling
I thought perhaps I should smoke some more. This
time when I repacked the cone I jammed that weed
in their so much so that when I turned the cone
piece upside down, not even a crumb fell out.
It took me about three attempts to inhale all of
what that cone had offered... still there was no
change in my mood!
I then quickly stuffed the cone piece another two
times inhaling every last trace of smoke there was
and then decided to give up, thinking that perhaps I
was not smoking it the way it was supposed to be
smoked to achieve the expressions of a peaceful
easy feeling that often overcame my fathers
I returned everything in that cupboard to the
position that I had found it in and then went to the
lounge room and switched on cable TV.
Turning to the cartoon network I began to watch
the Warner Brothers looney tunes cartoons. While
laying there on the lounge I found myself beginning
to chuckle at the antics of the characters and to the
best of my recollection at that time, I never really
found those cartoons to be overly amusing!
As the scenes rolled on so to did my laughter! By
the end of the cartoon my sides where literally
aching from the bout of laughter and right then I
caught myself actually having a great time, an
experience that had escaped me for most of my
child hood years.
After the laughter had mildly subsided I began to
feel somewhat peckish and searched the kitchen
for any kind of indulgence. I reached for the first
thing I laid my eyes on, “Sultana Bran” I grabbed
the biggest bowl I could find and fixed myself a
feast of breakfast cereal at eight o’clock at night. I
wasn’t quite sure why I was feeling hungry, after all
I had had my evening meal which was more than
Returning to the lounge room I continued to watch
the telly, popping back to the kitchen quite
regularly to re-quench an insatiable thirst that was
turning my tongue into a desolate and barren
wasteland where all moisture was forbidden.
A perpetual darkness
I staggered undiscerning through a perpetual
darkness where pain seemed destined to remain. It
became cold and lonely out there on my own
cavalcading the barren roads that tainted the centre
of my soul, I close my eyes many times to shed a
tear and to wish that life would fade. Through
this darkness a deafening silence enveloped me
and pointedly with affiance I took aim to find
my way. Could I envisage what this world was
coming to...? Will there always be another
day... To make me feel a little wiser...? To
make me feel afraid...? I thought about it
relentlessly and with thoughts, there’s
much to say.
I never did perceive that day when my
world would crumble, expelling me to
my knees. Lingering undetected was a
cold silence that surrounded me, by
force I reflected, should I find the
strength to get back on my feet?
Humble myself to look around in
search of a true belief? My world
could have been a better place if I
had just stopped to think.
The longer you take a look into darkness, the more
it seems to take you captive. Finding your way out
is near impossible.
The realization that there is a way out comes in the
remembrance of who you really are i.e. an innocent
child who was once upon a time guilt free. Though
as we mature we take a chance to peer into
darkness, not realizing that it slowly begins to take
you captive and eventually you discover that you
have become lost in that darkness. Hope fades and
love turns to hate.
The sensational euphoria that I had experienced
that night hooked me right there and then and
from that moment onwards I was on an ever
downward spiral to achieve the full satisfaction of
that first stone, unfortunately it took five years to
figure out that I was never going to experience that
original stone again.
This is the deception; to have a heightened sense of
reality and an exponentially supreme emotional
state the first time and then a gradual plunge into a
morbid surreal and vividly empty existence where
what you acquire materially is taken from you to
feed the obsession that brings you into submission
Eventually I reached a point where if I was not
buying marijuana the people around me would buy
and share and if they were unable to buy I would
steal to pay for the drug and if I had nowhere to
steal from I would find the plant and steal it.
Being stoned throughout those five years would
mean waking up and sucking back three cones first
thing and then throughout the day doing whatever
was necessary to maintain the high including
stealing from my very own family members,
nothing mattered except the high, I did not care for
who I hurt just as long as I had what I wanted.
You Bible bashing God lover!
A few years into my addiction and somewhere in
between the time of the gun and knife scare I was
living and working up in north Queensland in a
place called Ayr.
Here I would pick mangoes with my older brother
and a younger friend to buy marijuana.
We were all in our teen years and boarded with two
other mango pickers in a house that they had
rented, this house had no furniture except the
mattresses that we had stolen from a youth hostel
in the area, a milk crate and a plastic school chair.
These other two mango pickers that we were
boarding with were the two most depraved and sick
people that I have ever met and probably will
always be at the top of the list!
For fun they would go to a church on a Sunday
morning and they would climb up on top of the
church roof, there they took the garden hose and
filled there anuses up with water and when the
church goers would exit the building these two so
called men would squirt the water from their
anuses over the people.
How true this storey is I do not know but that is the
words spoken to me by them and they sure did
sound convincing I certainly would not put it past
One of the guys also had a disturbing last name and
when the name was spelt backwards it spelt out,
“Devil” on this guys drivers license that he had
shown to me to prove to me his birth date was the
6/6/66. I say this so you can realize just how these
guys liked to think.
One evening after picking mangoes we all had
money from our weeks pay and we all had ample
marijuana to share and share we sure did!
The mull bowel was full and was being passed
around the lounge room between the five of us and
after a few rounds we somehow began a discussion
Everyone was speaking of God as being a bully, the
kind that uses a magnifying glass to fry ants and
that He is a cruel, unfair and corrupt God. I was
the only one who thought differently.
While I had the bong and while still smoking from
it and between puffs I would refute their
accusations by saying,
“Nah He’s not like that God’s cool, He is good!”
One of the two guys began passionately pointing
his finger at me saying,
“You little f*#!ing Christian c@*!, you God loving
bible bashing f*#!wit, get the F*#! outside I’m going
to kick your ass, you f*#!ing God loving bastard!”
“Right it’s on!” (Being young and feisty I stood up
and went outside ready for a fight).
While outside this man stands a few feet from me
and then throws his fist and stops just millimetres
from my nose, I felt the breeze and force of the
punch but it had made no connection.
He then puts his face right up to mine, looks me
dead in the eye and says,
“You’re a smartarse Troy”.
He began laughing and then he walks back inside.
I return to the lounge room and await my turn for a
toke on the bong, just as the bong returns to me the
conversation about God rekindles, only this time it
was the other guys turn for mocking my simplistic
belief in a good and loving God.
This guy was so full of pride with what he was
saying that I just knew he was about to take a fall
from the only plastic school chair in the house, as
he was taunting me he would rock back and forth
on the chair and it was as if God had got His little
finger and flicked this man backwards of his chair.
As soon as he had fallen I stopped smoking the
bong and pointed my finger at him and began to
hysterically laugh my guts up at the sight of his
This for some reason he did not appreciate and
violently ordered me outside for it was his turn to
finish what his friend had started. He pushes me
down the back stairs, (these stairs consisted of
about twenty steps) and somehow I managed to
stay on my feet the whole way down and I also
landed on my feet when I had reached the ground.
As soon as I was at the bottom of the stairs this guy
switches off the outside light and I could not see my
hand in front of my face.
My first instinct was to run, as fighting me in the
dark is a sure victory for the opponent!
Just as I take a step to begin running a voice in my
“No Troy turn around and stand your ground.”
To which I instantly obeyed.
As I turn and stand, the outside light is switched
back on, (I guess he could not see his hand in front
of his face either.) and he comes hurriedly down the
stairs and swings his fist and stops just millimetres
before my nose, I thought,
“No way not twice in one night”.
“Ah F*#! it” and goes back up stairs.
(I would love to have known what God had
whispered to both of those men that night as they
tried to punch me!)
My older brother comes over to me and whispers,
“Troy its not safe here for you, I think we should
leave for Brisbane after they have gone to sleep”.
I agreed and later that night at 3 o’clock in the
morning we packed our back packs and left. We
camped the rest of that night just on the outskirts of
Ayr under a highway bridge on the jagged rocks!
Who did you rob?
Early in the morning at around 5:30am I wake up
and begin to talk to God, I say to God,
“God , we’re in a bit of trouble we need help to get
down to Brisbane, we need food and we need
money, can you help us out?”
God replies in a still small voice in my head,
“Go back into town”.
“No God I’m going this way not that way, I’m hitch
hiking and I don’t back track for nothing”.
God replies in the same tone,
“Go back into town”.
Again I say,
“No God, don’t you know anything? I’m going
forwards not backwards!”
Again God replies in the same tone,
“Go back into town”.
This argument that I was losing with God lasted for
about fifteen to twenty minutes and I might add
that I was the only one arguing!
All that God was saying was to go back into to town
over and over until I finally gave in and said,
“Alright I’m going!”
Just as I had agreed to go back into town, my
brother and the young friend began to awaken, I
said to them,
“I’m going to go back into town, don’t ask me why,
I just have to go! You guys wait right here and
don’t go any where, I wont be long!”
And I began my journey back into town before they
could say a word.
While walking back into town I was thinking that
going back just seemed so ridiculous, what possible
reason could there be to journey backwards?
I knew that I had no money in the bank but
thought that since I’m back in town I may as well
check on the chance that my mother may have
deposited some money.
In Ayr, all on one side of the street there are a row
of banks and being that it was just after six in the
morning, walking down to the last bank is
something I did not particularly feel like doing.
(The last bank in the row of banks was the bank
that I was banking with at the time.)
Therefore, I wearily pulled out my keycard and
attempted to withdraw cash from the ATM. To no
great surprise there was no money in my account
but I thought that I should continue any way along
the row of banks in the hope of being able to
overdraw from one of the ATM’s.
I tried all of the banks ATM’s and was unsuccessful,
I had one more ATM to try and it was the bank that
I banked with.
Pulling out my keycard for the last time almost all
out of hope, dragging my feet, I raise the keycard
up to the card slot and just before I insert the card
my eyes fell to the withdrawal slot.
My mouth gapes in astonishment, there in the
withdrawal slot sat a single $50 note, I snatched the
cash and looked skywards and said,
“Thank you God”.
As I lift the $50 note I noticed that the note slips
over another $50 note revealing a second one
beneath the first. I now understood why God
would not let up on requesting me to return to
town, I asked for His help and this was obviously
Now I can understand that at this point some of
you readers of this book would come to the
conclusion that God has just lead me to steal $100
from a bank.
Therefore leading me into sin, however this is God
that we are speaking of and He can do anything
that is good, pure and Holy! And all things belong
to God! Is it far from Him that He could produce
two $50 notes and place them where they were
needed to be found?
None the less if that $100 did belong to someone’s
bank account and they could 100% prove that it
came from their account I would gratefully and
happily return that money to them. I will continue
to believe that God provided that money
miraculously to assist in my brother, our friend and
my safety in returning to Brisbane!
I stuffed the money into my pocket and crossed the
street to buy two big pizza breads from a bakery
and then I continued back out of town.
On the way back out of Ayr there is a Mcdonald's
store where I stopped by to buy three "big
You have to imagine what it must have looked like
for my brother and friend to see me walking back
towards them with all this food hanging from my
I could see them crouching low and straining to see
what it was that I was carrying and as I drew closer
they began to yell out at me saying things like,
“Where did you get that from? Whose house did
you break into? Did you roll some little old lady?”
“Nah it was nothing like that, God got it for us!”
They seriously doubted what I had just said and
continued to question how I had acquired all of this
“Who did you rob Troy?”
I continued to say that,
“God got it for us, why don’t you believe me”.
I was baffled why they would not believe that God
could do something like that for us in fact I was
quite upset that they would not believe my
encounter with God on that morning.
We all devoured our, "God given" food quite
quickly and then scrapped our peace pipe clean of
the black cruddy resin to smoke and we all got
stoned before we embarked on our long journey
back to Brisbane.
Do not let me spend the night here
Miraculously, we managed to hitch a ride as soon as
we started hitch hiking. Three teenagers hitching a
ride instantly is un heard of. But we did and we
began driving towards Mackay which is the town
where the driver was willing to take us to.
By night fall we were unable to hitch another ride
and decided to find a suitable place to spend the
Unfortunately there was nowhere we could find so
we headed for the McCafferty's bus stop. We went
around to the back of the building and laid some
bedding from our back packs, on the cold cement.
People were walking all around us and I remember
looking up at them every now and then wondering
what they were thinking of us sprawled out on the
ground like that.
We all eventually drifted off to sleep.
Waking up the next morning at five a.m. to the
alarm that I had set on my watch, we set off to find
a shopping trolly to pile all of our back packs into
the trolly so as to make it easier to transport from
the north side of McKay to the south side of Mckay,
which is where we had a better chance of securing a
lift. We knew there was no chance of a lift in the
town centre at five in the morning.
We reached the other side of McKay at around nine
a.m. and ditched the shopping trolly and then
began to hitch. We walked and hitched for about
five hours with out any success of hitching a ride.
Finally I said to my brother and our friend,
"Look, it is obvious that we are not going to get a lift
with the three of us hitching together, lets split up, I
have been hitching a lot longer than you guys so I
will go 2 kilometres ahead, wait for ten minutes and
then you guys can start hitching again".
They agreed to my suggestion and I began walking.
Sure enough, by the time I had distanced my self by
about 2 kilometres, a car had pulled over and
offered me a lift.
As I climb into the car I was greeted by two females,
who asked where I was going, so I told them that I
was heading for Brisbane, they replied by saying
that they could only take me to Bundeburg . Which
was o.k. by me.
They began to drive off and as they drove off one of
the ladies asked me why I wasn't at school,
"Ah I hate teachers".
The lady replied in a very inquisitive way,
"Oh! Well that is funny!"
I replied even more inquisitively,
"Why is that?"
The woman in the front seat chuckled and said,
"We are school teachers".
Oh no! You could imagine that my face turned red
and that from then on it was a very, very, very quiet
trip to Bundeburg.
Upon arrival to Bundeburg the school teachers
dropped me off on the north side of the town and I
knew I was in for a long walk to the south side of
By the time I had reached the south side of
Bundeburg, night was falling and I hoped that my
brother and friend had been picked up and were
safely on their way to Brisbane.
I remember sitting on the side of the south bound
highway thinking to my self that this was not a
good place to spend the night. Behind me there
was a cow paddock, in front of me there was a
screaming highway and in front of the high way
there was a row of suburban houses.
I quietly spoke to God,
"Please don't let me spend the night here, any where
On speaking my concerns to God an incredible
peace blanketed my worries and I knew that
everything would be o.k.
Just then A truck driver pulled his rig over on the
side of the high way and parked on the gravel. He
jumps down from his cabin and then proceeds to
lock down his truck. As he finishes doing this a car
pulls up and the truck driver jumps into the car.
They were about to take off, when the female driver
of the car slaps the truck driver against his shoulder
and points out across to me. The truck driver
winds his car window down and asked me,
"Where ya off to mate"?
He kindly said,
"If ya still here when I get back I'll give ya a lift all
"How long are ya gonna be?"
"About an hour mate!" Was his response.
With that they drove off, and I thought,
"I'll just wait for you to get back".
While waiting for the truck driver to return, I
butter up some bread with peanut butter that I had
purchased from the $100. (I also split the
remainder of the $100 with my brother and friend.)
The truck driver finally returns and by this time it
was well and truly dark. The truck driver looks a
lot bigger in the dark and a little more scarier than
what I remembered of him in the dusk.
He tells me to jump in and after a short time he
enters the cabin and we start rolling towards
I fell asleep and awoke to the truck driver poking
me in the ribs and telling me that this is where I had
to get out.
"Where are we?"
I jump down from the cabin and turning to the the
truck driver I thanked him and he drove off!
As I see the trucks tail lights fading in the distance, I
realise that I am standing by a highway, I check the
time and it is 3:30 in the morning, looking around
and trying to get my bearings I find a road sign
pointing in the direction of Caboolture, and I
discover that I was in for a decent walk.
About an hour later I finally find the Caboolture
train station after many wrong turns down dead
end streets . Upon arrival to the platform I look at
the train time table only to discover that I had just
missed the last train heading for Brisbane.
I used the public pay phone to call my father. He
was not happy that he had to come and pick me up
at 4:30 in the morning.
Remember who you are!
Who am I?
While staying at my fathers house, I was sleeping in
a room no wider than my self, it was almost like a
cupboard space. Above my head there were spiders
making their homes and at night I'm sure they
ventured down to visit my face! At the end of my
feet there was a dirty smelly toilet.
At night I would lay awake unsettled and wrestle
with my noisy thoughts and on one particular night
shortly after arriving at my fathers house I began
questioning how on earth I got my self into this
"Why am I here, how did I end up like this, what
have I done to deserve this, no one should have to
live like this."
I heard a soft voice whisper to me,
"Remember who you are".
"I don't know who I am".
Again the soft voice whispered,
"Remember who you are".
Again I thought,
"I don't know who I am, who am I"?
The voice responded,
"Remember who you are".
(By now I am becoming agitated)
"Tell me who I am, it would be so much easier if
you just told me who I am".
The voice whispered again softly,
"Remember who you are".
This conversation went on like this for about
twenty minutes and just as I said,
"I give up I'm going to sleep".
A vision passed before my eyes of the time when I
was a child. I saw myself defending the underdog
when ever there was an unfair fight, I would
befriend those who had no friend and while on the
weekends when most children would play
competition sport, I would be in my back yard
planting and tending to my vegetable garden.
After revisiting my youth I discovered who I really
was; an innocent good natured, good hearted and
loving child. I was never supposed to be a thieving,
dope smoking, hard hearted, lost, confused and
angry soul. My true nature was contrary to how I
was living my life and how I was living my life was
far from what God had intended for my life.
Who are you?
Who am I?
Who are we?
That you gave life
What are you?
What am I?
What are we?
For you to die
Why are you?
Why am I?
Why are we
So great in price?
Where are you?
Where am I?
Where are we
In this life?
When are you?
When am I?
When are we?
How are you?
How am I?
How are we?
Please don’t cry.
I want life!
Through all of the years that I had wilfully chose to
live wrong, God was there gently persuading me to
pay attention to His voice. The whole time God
kept me safe from harm, He walked me through
every situation with out so much as a scratch, not
one single scratch was given to me by my pursuers,
the only physical harm that I went through was the
physical harm that I inflicted upon my self. The
broken bones, the scaring and the emotional
damage was due to no one except my self.
Through out those dark years, it was like God
would grab me by the scruff of my neck and lean
me over the pits of Hell and say,
"Troy, do you want to end up there"?
Then He would pull me back, a little while later,
God would do it again, grab me by the scruff of the
neck and lean me over the pits of Hell and say,
"Troy, do you want to end up there"?
God, I'm sure would have done this a lot with me
until the day that I cried out and said,
"NO!!!, I don't want to end up there, I WANT
One day, late in the evening and shortly after God
had helped me to remember who I am, I
wondered off to a drug dealers place to buy what
they call a stick, which is twenty five dollars worth
of Marijuana. I returned back to my fathers house
and began to chop the weed up ready for smoking.
I was doing this in my fathers bedroom as he had
pay t.v. in there. (My father was out on one of his,
"dinner dates"). I switch on the television and I
began to channel surf while still chopping up the
weed, looking for something suitable to watch.
I flicked the pay t.v. over and over searching for
anything that would catch my attention, I skipped
past a man holding a bible in one hand and with his
other hand raised in the air. That was something
that caught my attention, I turn the channel back to
the preacher man and began to absorb his words,
while still chopping up the weed.
This preacher man was speaking of how Jesus had
died on the cross for my sins, and for the first time I
actually understood what that meant. When he had
finished speaking, the preacher man invited any
viewers to give their life to Jesus and then
proceeded to lead them through the sinners prayer.
I included myself in that prayer that he offered to
God, I got down on my knees, bowed my head and
repeated the spoken words of the preacher man and
before I knew it I was once again sobbing like a
When I had recomposed myself, I reached for the
bong and the bowl of weed, I packed the cone piece
and put the bong to my lips, I lit the lighter and
hovered it over the cone, I drew back on the tiniest
toke, so tiny it barely touched my lungs.
I thought to my self,
"I can't do this".
I put the bong down, went to bed and slept
soundly. Early in the morning at around six a.m. I
awake with no thought on my mind but to take all
the drug utensils that I had outside to the garbage
Gathering everything up into one large armful, I
went outside, the little old lady next door was
watering her garden, I gave her a smile and
wondered what she was thinking of all what I had
in my arms. I opened the rubbish bin lid and
dumped the drug contraband in with a thud.
Dusting my hands off I return back inside with a
smile of good healthy pride and then I went happily
about fixing my self some breakfast.
If you remember near the beginning of this book I
started smoking drugs in my fathers bedroom and
now you can see that God had brought me back to
my fathers bedroom to end the addiction.
(I had tried previously on many occasions to defeat
my addiction without success and without God's
healing grace I don't suppose I would have ever
been able to gain victory over my addiction.)
By the time I had finished breakfast it was
approximately 7:30am. My father had still not
returned from his outing the night before so I went
to the Phone to call a female friend, and that phone
conversation went like this,
"Hi it's Troy, I've got to go to church!"
"You're crazy Troy, it's 7:30 in the morning go back
"No, your not listening, I've got to go to church, do
you know any one that goes to church?"
"Well, actually I do".
"Great, introduce me to them!
In God's mercy and grace He took my hand and
welcomed me into eternal life.
How beautiful is true grace?
Grace is a word that the modern world associates
with how a gymnast contorts themselves, or how a
ballerina glides across the room, or the way a figure
skater pirouette's on the ice, when the word is
attributed to these remarkable, and often stunning
performances it defines the action as that of beauty.
Grace, when found in biblical terminology also has
a connotation to beauty; however the definition
takes on a much deeper and more beautiful
meaning to that of a physical display.
Often, we as humans never get what we deserve, we
get only what we settle for, sadly though most will
settle upon a life that falls short of the grace of God,
by this I mean that we do not allow ourselves to
enter into the covering of grace that God has
provided, that pardons us from the condemnation
of our wrong doings.
Not one single soul deserves an eternity with the
creator of the universe; the true meaning of grace is
a pardon from our sinful state that keeps us from
the presence of God.
Grace is a covering that says,
"This soul has accepted the sacrifice of Jesus and
may enter into eternal life".
We do not deserve eternal life, no one does but
through the Grace of God's love, He has provided
us with a grace, a pardon that permits us as being
holy enough to enter in to life more abundantly.
Grace also says, "It is as though this soul has never
been sin, a dirty slate wiped cleaner and whiter than
snow". A complete unblemished soul redeemed by
faith and saved by grace.
How beautiful is true grace?
If you think that you are trapped in darkness I dare you to taste and see that the Lord is Good.
Repent of you sins and turn to Jesus. Ask Him for life, Ask Him into your heart.
We don't have much time left.
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