The Respirator
(from the deep)

"The sky is dark but not for long; hopefully I will finish this before I see sunlight.

My enemies are all around me, on the street and in my home. They are my neighbors, my family, my "friends," and my peers. These idiots are uninteresting and dull, but am I not giving them a chance to prove themselves. I am the one making blanket judgements, I am the one turning away from everyone, but I might be the monster.

The dissonance is killing me, but I still must be dreaming."

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"I​ hate you. I hate him. I hate her. I hate everyone. I hate hating all the time. I hate me.
I hate the abusive sadistic fuck I call my father, who has broken my ribs before. Given me concussions. I hate the teacher with whom I confided my dark secret. Who called the department of children and families. I hate him, for being so much to me. And then completely ignoring me, after thrusting my life into uneasy chaos. I hate the social worker. I hate her for not doing anything. I hate the failings of the child protection systems. Because in what world is this condition acceptable? Being so broken and battered that it can't be ignored. Not by anyone.
I hate the mother, who sides with the sadist instead of her son. I hate the brother who got what I've always wanted. Who was taught how to ride a bike, by our father. Whereas I was left alone on the driveway to figure it out. Who was taught how to shave, by our father. Whereas I still don't know how. Who was given the talk, by our father. Where I am yet again yet to know much. Who was sent to camp at a young age, where I am the only member of the family who hasn't gone. Who has a good father-son relationship, whereas my idea of a good father son day is the day I don't get the shit kicked out of me. Who gave up the anger, that I still clutch so tightly.
I hate forgiveness.
I hate myself, for being weak. Inept. Impotent. Useless. For being unable to defend myself at a man so many see as something of a joke.
I hate every father figure I've ever had. For none of them have ever, and will never be what I want them to be. Or say what I wish they'd say. Or help me. I hate that even the ones that know what they mean to me continue to treat me with the same kindness any student could expect, sans the being-there-to-talk-to.
I hate you. I hate you, for knowing what I am. I hate you for knowing how I feel. I hate you for everything. I hate you because you are."

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You know what? I'm a sexist and I don't feel bad at all. There obviously are differences between men an women that make them completely different humans with different lives, so it is impossible to make them have perfectly equal rights. Why should men even bother to help women get what they think they deserve? (That's just damn weak.) Women of course should fight for what they deserve, just as men do, and apart of some irregularities there will be the same for both genders. You see, sexism doesn't have to be that bad.
I mean, women bear babies and men don't: How do you even want to try to make everybody comfortable? There's too much difference, and nature designed us to be different and do different things. Though I don't even want women to do what they're told to; I want them to be as skeptical as everybody should be: Much more than most are.

And that leads to my next point:
Women are just frustratingly less able to think rational than men. I could cry looking at the women I know. Why can't they have a straight way of thinking? And why are intelligent, rationally thinking women so rare? I just don't get it. I hate women for all being into the humanities and arts. I mean do what you want, but why must 80% of them do some shit that will never help them in their life because it is straight forward useless?? I am physician and there is a weak 8% of women in my study course. Why can't they do something that will NOT get them SHITTY jobs, leading them to then DUMBLY COMPLAINT about getting PAID MUCH LESS because BEING DUMB and NOT KNOWING ANYTHING USEFUL AT ALL??!? Why do basically 90% of all physicians have to find women who don't share their interests to get laid? I can't explain why women aren't interested in science, looking at those stupid motivation campaigns in this country and this shitty hype about women to go into science. Oh, there I have a wonderful video what those retards who are supposed to do something productive on this continent have produced. IF a woman DOES NOT like this, then yeah! I bet there are many who will say this and I appreciate that, because this video actually is the most prejudicing shitpile I've seen in a whole while.
All my hate in the end just comes from frustration, you see. I hate women each time they make that "Yikes"-face when I tell them I study physics. Without it you couldn't have such people-controlling mind-erasing shit like your whole collection of apple-garbage with all that fancy lights and unnecessary hilarious stupid shit!! Well yeah I see, women also just give much less a shit about society and sensible acting and sense AT ALL.
It's just frustrating! Of course there are women who are actually intelligent, but the rate seems to be just so damn less than with men. I don't expect everybody to be smart, there as well is a need of not that smart people, and I think it's OK so everybody might find somebody suitable. But what to do with that 8%?? No, it just doesn't work out. I'm not even saying women who study other shit aren't as smart but they just suck ass with their nonsense thinking and especially their lacking ability to STEP BACK AND TAKE NEW APPROACHES.

Do you people realize how scared everybody is of things that aren't known, aren't legal, aren't socially accepted and all that? Do you want to tell me such regulations are important? Well they surely are to not have every dumbass fucking rage out some day and do damage to the society that could be prevented. But as a being who is able to figure things out by yourself and question preset patterns (an ability that actually not that many possess) YOU are part of the machinery that keeps changing humanity, because humanity always was changing, and when it didn't that was because it was right before great breakdown.
Of course society has its preset views, but those not always were that way and they will not stay that way. They are there because they worked, not because they are the best. So you don't have to live after them, and I tell you what: Your life will be much more interesting if you start questioning things. If you start questioning why you shouldn't do this and that. And if you're a fucking smartass you'll see that there are of course cases when this and that makes sense AND you'll SEE that if you KNOW how to HANDLE it you can go against it in some cases without hurting anybody and FIND SOMETHING that all those TV-looking mind-emptied stupid bodies never would have been able to achieve. Well, that's nice and stuff, but where did the sexism go?
You see, women are just SO MUCH MORE scared that I just want to huge<edit;) them all so that there at least won't be another worthless generation of scared shit that isn't able to do something the fucking television said to not do. I guess it's natural as women are weaker than men and thus had to be more careful in times of survival, but what? Why do I have to make a compromise in finding a wonderful partner I really can love just because women have to be dumber than men? Sometimes I just really wish I were gay. It's just two years ago that I realized that there actually ARE women who can think out of the box! Earlier I always thought only men had that ability. The girls in my class just were so damn stupid. So stupid. That is another thing. "No she is intelligent" Yeah of course she has an IQ of 120 or shit! Yeah, intelligence! And even the most intelligent people who there are sometimes just obey uncritically and are religious or believe in esoteric etc. I have seen intelligent girls who just made me want to puke. They were good in math but they couldn't see anything that could be wrong with society. They knew this and that but they never had given a shit about the world and the purpose of life or any other thing. Intelligent people who DON'T THINK. It's just, the girl is intelligent, but TOO SCARED or too well-behaved to make her own thoughts! This is so wasted, she just should be thrown to waste. Let me get it right: There surely are women who get as smart and especially questioning as man are, but they so much rarer I want to cry. But please, if anyone can give proof of the contrary, go on. It may be the first time in my life I don't regret falling in love. It could be the first time in my life that my emotions say yes and my mind actually does too. How can you even have that little control over with how dumb people you fall in love? I hate love. I never have known love as anything else than hurt. Well, apart from maybe about three days in my whole entire fucking life. Nice days. Sorry, I've become sentimental to the end.
Have a good day.

And girls,
THINK

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​And that was the best of this month so far.. Want more?

DH