Guys....how do i get my husband to talk to me????

More good common sense

Diakonos

Thanks for responding.
My husband had prostate cancer and they (the doctors) have completely anhilated his manhood. He had an implant for several years and that had to be removed and then they did more work on him and now he has constant incontinence and has to wear a device all during the day and has to wear a diaper at nite.
Whenever he ever has brought it up about all this, i have constantly reassured him that i could care less about sex,its not the sex, its him, and i married him for WHO he is, not any other reason. That would be nice to be intimate with him but that is not possible so i just shrug it off and tell him it just does not matter,no big deal!
I can live without sex, its not having him be my best friend any longer that bothers me....i really miss HIM.
I just want to thank you so much for your helpfulness...it means alot, it truly does!

Thanks for responding.
My husband had prostate cancer and they (the doctors) have completely anhilated his manhood. He had an implant for several years and that had to be removed and then they did more work on him and now he has constant incontinence and has to wear a device all during the day and has to wear a diaper at nite.
Whenever he ever has brought it up about all this, i have constantly reassured him that i could care less about sex,its not the sex, its him, and i married him for WHO he is, not any other reason. That would be nice to be intimate with him but that is not possible so i just shrug it off and tell him it just does not matter,no big deal!
I can live without sex, its not having him be my best friend any longer that bothers me....i really miss HIM.
I just want to thank you so much for your helpfulness...it means alot, it truly does!

[youtube] [link to www.youtube.com]


Here is a very comical way to explain what I mean OP. This is hilarious but is awesomely so true! :)

Last Edited by Puppion on 04/13/2012 04:26 PM

Most women are not interesting to talk to. Thats a fact. If they are nice and funny its another thing thats going for them but usually you cannot talk to them like you can to another man who actually makes sense. Sure you can talk to them in that way but it bores them and you.

Too long, didn't read, go write dear abbey.

It sounds to me like he has a lot to think about, not appearing weak to you is at the forefront of his thinking. Considering everything he has been through that is pretty tough to do. Life's hard and there are no easy answers.

Diakonos

Yes, he is an alcoholic but he is a functioning alcoholic....lol.
He paces himself during the day and at nite, from happy hour on, he gets pretty drunk, but all in all, that doesn't bother me that much. Can be annoying sometimes, but doesn't irritate me.
I pretty much just make myself happy, go on about what makes me happy, and that means spending time outdoors and with my animals...that is what makes me happy.
Just wish we could spend quality time together is all and get help around here is my issue.
Thank you for your advice, i will certainly look into al-anon to see if its possible it could help.

you got it straight.

What is here is a desire for a shortcut, but not one to be had with the old fella, this is now a case of getting through barriers, through an old codgers fears of loss and mortality, and the increasing effort of getting through the day. Now the work is to sympathetically get the heart of the matter, get past natural barriers and fears and becoming a team again, and many women simply wish to lay down the law and collect the benefits. It doesnt work after a time.
Become a lover again, and maybe, communication grows and flourishes again, but become a harpy and expect a run for cover with more friendly parties.

Show him the top of youra head bobbig back and forth for a few minutes. Bellisimo!!

Never mind. I issed the surgery. Buy him a bag of pot he will talk a lot then.

Crash the Happy Hour dressed in something that would turn other guys heads.

Gawd, would you lametards lay off with the sexual crap!


Suuuure, that'll just fix everything for this woman!

Go screw a blow-up doll idiot.

whyncha say so up front?
he's mourning the loss of his youth his sexuality vitality and his capacity to please a partner and despite your claims, he's of the mind that he's let you down in his mind.

I cant say what specifically what to do about his depression and diversion activities, but you can get back intimacy and he your approval if you sort it out together and get out of the box.
He's looking at his end of days, and is afraid of carrying you along on that ride.

I think part of our problem is he has his best friend who he talks to about everything.
Anything i have to say he honestly just blows it off as though it is unimportant and trivial.
But...this same friend or one of his other friends says something to him and he thinks its fantastic.....its like i don't know anything!
I guess i should just keep doing what i have been doing, but today i just had to get it out....it builds up and then i have to vent...so i thank you all for listening and for your advice!

Happy hour every night? Maybe AA? If he refuses to help, ask for money to hire help who will do what he's too good for. If he's palling around with his friend more than you, you can bet his friend is bad mouthing you since you're a threat. Time to start thinking about going independent again. Probably a good time to lose those extra pounds.

Your misunderstanding what you are seeing, guys can relate to other guys in his position of life. It won't be talked about nor will it be acknowledged except in the most indirect way. But he will not feel weak in front of them due to their respect of him.

He is not blowing you off, but concern coming from his wife makes him feel weak. And he would have to acknowledge one of the most difficult things for a man and that cannot happen. You can let him know without words that you care and feel for him and even feel bad for him. For a guy that is more that enough. Not everything needs words.

It seems to me (without knowing all the facts) that he is more protecting you than shutting you out.

Diakonos

Last Edited by Diakonos on 04/13/2012 04:52 PM

Men do not talk the way women do. You are going to have to get over that. They don't want to hear a half hour story about how much of a struggle you had at the grocery store when the same point can be made in one sentence or less.

I think a lot of the problems you claim you are having has to do with approach.

If you come at him when you are overwhelmed and point only only what he DOESN'T do, then of course he is not going to talk. Why would he?

When you do that, all he hears is: "Look, I am better than you because I do ALL of this and you are crap."

When you make your man feel like crap, he is going to hang with people who don't. Plain and simple.

Let's say he does some work in the yard or mows the lawn and comes in all sweaty and dirty.. Do you point out a spot he missed and mention other things that need to be done or do you tell him how sexy he looks all sweaty and manly?

If you have children and he is watching them while you get things done, take a moment and thank him. Tell him what a good father he is and point out how much the kids love spending time with him. You will soon find that he is more than happy to do that and may even suggest he take them for a walk so you can have a quiet bath.

Maybe mention that you would like to do something to spice up your marriage. Take a trip, renew your vows.

Instead of telling him what you want him to do, ask him if he will do things WITH you.

If he says no, keep trying and do not fly into the "you never do anything with me anymore" crap.

Words to avoid "I, You, never, always" These are accusatory words.

EVERY conversation should be WE and US.

Ask his OPINION...

"Honey, what color do you think we should paint the living room?"

"What do you think about putting in a patio?"

Ask him questions that require more than a yes or no answer, that require him to qualify his answers...

But do so without being combative or accusatory and this includes your body language.

No, it is not about refusing to share feelings. It IS about refusing to get baited into a combative discussion. Read your own post... You ARE combative and accusatory. You attack rather than engage.
You are not asking him to speak with you, you are ordering him to comply.

As individuals we want to make the people we love feel good, make them happy. What have you done for him or said to him lately that tells him that you appreciate him? I am not suggesting that you do so to manipulate him, I suggest it because you also need to remind yourself about the things that made you fall in love with him in the first place. When you do that, you will start doing the things that made him fall for you as well.

As a wife of nearly 20 years myself, I can bet you that your approach is a large part of the issue.

Granted, he does have his own hand in this matter but since he is not here to speak with I can address only what I am getting from you.

Marriage is not easy, it IS work. You can't just get marred and expect things to be a certain way. Circumstances change and you need to stay engaged. You need a plan that you both agree on and both parties need to know what is expected of them in order to achieve that plan. Anything less is just playing house and that is what most people are doing in these times.. They get married to play house and do not understand what a marriage really is. Love is NOT enough of a reason to get married but it is the main glue that keeps a marriage together and working properly.

I do not read any love in your post.

You can get your husband to talk to you by doing this:


[link to www.youtube.com]

Your hubby is my dad's age and I will tell you what my mom did. She does what makes her happy to include hiring help on the homefront to get stuff taken care of. This alone may take a load off your man's plate as it did for my dad as well as open doors to communication and more time to spend together.

Happy wife always = happy husband. Now call those contractors and get some satisfaction.

Yes, he has brought that up a couple of times, how he has let me down, but i always let him know that i just love him for who he is, not what he can or can't do. It is more than that, much more.....and i just yearn for us to be close again is all.
I know he has told me several times how he is amazed that he is even still here.
I am the one who got him to quit listening to the doctors with their poisons who told him two years ago he was dying.
That was the only time i persisted in nagging him to stop listening to THEM. They had him on hormones and stuff that was deteriorating his quality of life and he ended up bed bound.
I am no saviour by any means, but i am a very spiritual person and i spent alot of time researching for ways to help him help himself and i was persistent that he had to stop listening to the assisted suicide doctors.
He is healthy as a horse today....except for the repercussions of what the doctors did to him...that he has to live with.

Men who make a habit of expressing their true feelings invariably wind up being dumped for one who doesn't.

"Most women are not interesting to talk to. Thats a fact. If they are nice and funny its another thing thats going for them but usually you cannot talk to them like you can to another man who actually makes sense. Sure you can talk to them in that way but it bores them and you."

Good; honest response. But it's not about having someone to ~chat with; it's about the husband's dominating the relationship, as if he believes himself to be her superior. He doesn't talk to her, because he doesn't respect her or value her enough to acknowledge her concerns -- not because conversation with his wife "bores" him.

So, what i got from this thread is:

He is 15 years older than you, had cancer, had his manhood annihilated, have a job.

You are 15 years younger than him, perfect health and doesn't have a job.

So, you still want him to help you with home stuffs ?? God, he is much older than you, had cancer and have a job !!!

Maybe he just want a comprehensive friend by his side, not a whining woman complaining about every little thing.

Also, he's a man, and he will hardly speak his problems with you, doing so, he will appear weak, ungrateful or whiny for you (in his mind). He just wants to enjoy the last years of his life.

Just be comprehensive and stop whining, this way he will probally talk to you again.

I think you are right about that Diakonos......i think that may very well be the issue. I think its his way of shutting down, and its just so un-necessary. I am the kind of person i can talk to anyone and have and show compassion....i am very big on wanting to be there for him.
Guess its just selfishness on my part for wanting things to be the way they used to be. I try to see things as they are and not exactly how i want them to be, which probably needs to change.

^^^ That

She won't do that because he is expressing challenge (even if negative) and that drives women crazy with wonder.

My sister has the same hit goin on. She tells her fat husband something, he goes uh-ha and later when it suppose to be done, he's still sitting at the kitchen table and nothings done.

She lets it go, but when he tells her to do some shit, she better do it. So I tell her, don't make fat fuck anything to eat till he does the chores.

She won't do that.

So when she talks to him, he makes little noises like he is listening to her but he really isn't. I told her when she says something to him, go, did you hear me. She won't do it.

Now in your case, don't make breakfast, lunch or supper and when he ask whats up bitch, say what, we need to talk cocktrap.

Take a vacation to a friend or sister or mom and dad for awhile. Be sure to set up some remote IP cameras so you can login on the internet to see whatzzz up back home while your gone.

Take it from there, if you have what it takes.

well he has to stop self medicating so much. At least with alcohol, which is a depressant and an anaesthetic. Herb is better if total abstinence is out of the question IF one is in pain. You have to find some way or some task that he gets to feel a sense of involvement and satisfaction of accomplishment, and I cant tell you what that is. I can say that over the years the senses get dulled and then life and love tend to dull as well if the oil or filters are not changed .
YOUR task is to couple some sense of safe exploration with sharing the experience and journey together as a unit, and that will give you something to talk about that is unique about your relationship. Your mate is in a vulnerable state of feeling worthless, and somehow you have the task of injecting self worth and value back into the marital unit.

Dunno what else to say, other than dont do anything in your search that you cannot undo, emotionally or spiritually.

best regards