Guys....how do i get my husband to talk to me????

Men do not talk the way women do. You are going to have to get over that. They don't want to hear a half hour story about how much of a struggle you had at the grocery store when the same point can be made in one sentence or less.

I think a lot of the problems you claim you are having has to do with approach.

If you come at him when you are overwhelmed and point only only what he DOESN'T do, then of course he is not going to talk. Why would he?

When you do that, all he hears is: "Look, I am better than you because I do ALL of this and you are crap."

When you make your man feel like crap, he is going to hang with people who don't. Plain and simple.

Let's say he does some work in the yard or mows the lawn and comes in all sweaty and dirty.. Do you point out a spot he missed and mention other things that need to be done or do you tell him how sexy he looks all sweaty and manly?

If you have children and he is watching them while you get things done, take a moment and thank him. Tell him what a good father he is and point out how much the kids love spending time with him. You will soon find that he is more than happy to do that and may even suggest he take them for a walk so you can have a quiet bath.

Maybe mention that you would like to do something to spice up your marriage. Take a trip, renew your vows.

Instead of telling him what you want him to do, ask him if he will do things WITH you.

If he says no, keep trying and do not fly into the "you never do anything with me anymore" crap.

Words to avoid "I, You, never, always" These are accusatory words.

EVERY conversation should be WE and US.

Ask his OPINION...

"Honey, what color do you think we should paint the living room?"

"What do you think about putting in a patio?"

Ask him questions that require more than a yes or no answer, that require him to qualify his answers...

But do so without being combative or accusatory and this includes your body language.

No, it is not about refusing to share feelings. It IS about refusing to get baited into a combative discussion. Read your own post... You ARE combative and accusatory. You attack rather than engage.
You are not asking him to speak with you, you are ordering him to comply.

As individuals we want to make the people we love feel good, make them happy. What have you done for him or said to him lately that tells him that you appreciate him? I am not suggesting that you do so to manipulate him, I suggest it because you also need to remind yourself about the things that made you fall in love with him in the first place. When you do that, you will start doing the things that made him fall for you as well.

As a wife of nearly 20 years myself, I can bet you that your approach is a large part of the issue.

Granted, he does have his own hand in this matter but since he is not here to speak with I can address only what I am getting from you.

Marriage is not easy, it IS work. You can't just get marred and expect things to be a certain way. Circumstances change and you need to stay engaged. You need a plan that you both agree on and both parties need to know what is expected of them in order to achieve that plan. Anything less is just playing house and that is what most people are doing in these times.. They get married to play house and do not understand what a marriage really is. Love is NOT enough of a reason to get married but it is the main glue that keeps a marriage together and working properly.

I do not read any love in your post.

Your misunderstanding what you are seeing, guys can relate to other guys in his position of life. It won't be talked about nor will it be acknowledged except in the most indirect way. But he will not feel weak in front of them due to their respect of him.

He is not blowing you off, but concern coming from his wife makes him feel weak. And he would have to acknowledge one of the most difficult things for a man and that cannot happen. You can let him know without words that you care and feel for him and even feel bad for him. For a guy that is more that enough. Not everything needs words.

It seems to me (without knowing all the facts) that he is more protecting you than shutting you out.

Diakonos

My sister has the same hit goin on. She tells her fat husband something, he goes uh-ha and later when it suppose to be done, he's still sitting at the kitchen table and nothings done.

She lets it go, but when he tells her to do some shit, she better do it. So I tell her, don't make fat fuck anything to eat till he does the chores.

She won't do that.

So when she talks to him, he makes little noises like he is listening to her but he really isn't. I told her when she says something to him, go, did you hear me. She won't do it.

Now in your case, don't make breakfast, lunch or supper and when he ask whats up bitch, say what, we need to talk cocktrap.

Take a vacation to a friend or sister or mom and dad for awhile. Be sure to set up some remote IP cameras so you can login on the internet to see whatzzz up back home while your gone.

Take it from there, if you have what it takes.

SILENCE IS GOLDEN

oh and cut him off for a while

Talking to a woman is like talking to a cop.

The more your mouth flaps, the deeper your grave.

And here I am with a wife who won't say a damn word...

well he has to stop self medicating so much. At least with alcohol, which is a depressant and an anaesthetic. Herb is better if total abstinence is out of the question IF one is in pain. You have to find some way or some task that he gets to feel a sense of involvement and satisfaction of accomplishment, and I cant tell you what that is. I can say that over the years the senses get dulled and then life and love tend to dull as well if the oil or filters are not changed .
YOUR task is to couple some sense of safe exploration with sharing the experience and journey together as a unit, and that will give you something to talk about that is unique about your relationship. Your mate is in a vulnerable state of feeling worthless, and somehow you have the task of injecting self worth and value back into the marital unit.

Dunno what else to say, other than dont do anything in your search that you cannot undo, emotionally or spiritually.

best regards

Sounds like he needs a wake up call. Leave him for a while.

To men, admitting there is a problem or that we even worry about anything would make us feel weak in front of those that we respect and or love the most. That is unacceptable, we are to have all the answers, carry the burden and do the worrying without whining about it. Yes talking to our wives about our worries and fears is whining. For his generation a man does not whine at any cost, nor does a man burden those around him with worries or problems.

Right or wrong, and it depends on what generation your from, this is the law for men.

Sorry guys for giving away our secrets, but its for a good cause.

Diakonos

Why did you not want to go with him to the hardware store, you should of went im sure in the car ride you would of had a chance to talk and get out and breathe some fresh air, I dont know your reasons not to go but you should of went. What if at the hardware store he sees something for the house or you see something and that could lead to him wanting to do some work around the house. Little things like that can make a big difference its good that he wanted to go with you. Reguarding the issue on having a discussion we as men really dont like to over think things and sadly women tend to over think things alot its normal. If he assiociates having a discussion with an arguement thats not right but its give and take

Eureka! The lady's post gives us the key. She has her own money and really supports herself; as well, she helps her husband out occasionally, giving him money for his business.

So - the guy's ego is in a knot.

All the booby goodies and purple sucks in the world are not going to change the fact that in his mind, he is not the breadwinner.

So what does he do? He is punishing the woman. It's not a conscious act on his part. His manhood feels threatened. Mind you, he can still 'perform', and she still loves him.

But she wonders why he doesn't talk to her, and why he seems to be taking advantage of her.

Why is that, really? Answer: He resents her.

This is childish and self-destructive on his part. But the husband is never going to change.

Maybe he will grow up in 10 or 15 years. But by then, he will have a bitter woman who no longer loves him.

There is nothing more poisonous to a relationship than one partner being jealous of the other's money, or the other's abilities.

End it. Move on.

To men, admitting there is a problem or that we even worry about anything would make us feel weak in front of those that we respect and or love the most. That is unacceptable, we are to have all the answers, carry the burden and do the worrying without whining about it. Yes talking to our wives about our worries and fears is whining. For his generation a man does not whine at any cost, nor does a man burden those around him with worries or problems.

Right or wrong, and it depends on what generation your from, this is the law for men.

Sorry guys for giving away our secrets, but its for a good cause.

Diakonos

And here I am with a wife who won't say a damn word...

For all you guys out there who refuse to talk and communicate with your wives, i just want to know what keeps you from doing so? Why is it so hard to just TALK????

My husband will not talk, and i have tried to talk to him and i am through with trying to "be there for him". I just want to put as much distance as i can because i am so frustrated with not having him to talk to.
For starters, we have been married for 5 yrs now.....i do almost everything around here.....no help from him hardly EVERf. We have 10 acres and there is always a ton of work to do around here.
My husband works for himself and doesn't want to do ANYTHING around here. I have told him before, if he doesn't want to do the work, then PAY SOMEONE ELSE to do it but don't just leave this place go to hell.
I do the housework and the outside work such as gardening, yard work etc... and he will not help at all.
I know the guy loves me as a person, not sure if he is even in love with me anymore (altho he says he is, his actions speak otherwise).
I'm tired of being a maid. I get tired of all his friends/family being allowed to store all their junk here so they don't have to pile up their yards with STUFF.

He has to go to happy hour now every nite...this is since his friend moved out back in his RV (and sponges off my husband who can't say no to him) and the friend goes to happy hour every nite and since he has lived here for 3 yrs my husband goes to happy hour every nite too!!!
I said something in the beginning and he stopped going every nite and then by a couple weeks later he had started going again every nite so i just refuse to say anything ever again about it!
I love him and have tried to talk to him but its just no use, nothing changes and so i just try to avoid him and just go about doing my own thing....otherwise i wouldn't be able to keep my anger in check..... so this way i won't be a nag or show my irritation with him.
If anyone can give any insight on how i can change myself or improve the chances on getting him to talk to me, i welcome your replies before this relationship gets any more sour.

I'm a guy who doesn't like to talk too much.

First of all, Idle Pratter is useless. How's your day? Same as the 340,000 before it, most likely. How about that weather? It's about what you'd expect, given the season.

How do I feel? Constant. I remain steadfast.

I just don't need the noise. At any given time my goal is to zen-out and let the brain flow with whatever it's going to flow with.

Dialogue typically goes as such:

"How do you like Dinner?"
"I like it, it's great!"
"So, you like it, then?"
"Yeah, real great...you've really outdone yourself this time."
"Would you have it again?"
"Yeah, I said I like it..."

(This goes on for 10 minutes.)

Worse, she comes home from work and immediately verbally relives the entire shift, verbatim, complete with dramatic pauses where I'm supposed to react in shock or whatever emotion is being solicited. We do the same job, so none of these stories are all that shocking to me, nor do they typically effect me emotionally. Nor do I bring my stories home for reliving. I feel, when she's doing this, that there should be a timeclock I can punch into and get paid.

The reality is that there is very, very little to talk about once you're living with someone.

When I hang out with my friend(s) we talk about dumb shit, aruge, counterpoint...the whole thing. Why? Because we're "out' and in that mode.

The same friend, when we lived together as roommates...we barely said 3 words to each other for days on end. Why? We weren't in that mode.