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^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK

 
trailingedge
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
04/29/2012 11:09 PM

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^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
Thought I'd post a new joke every Monday (Australian time) to break the doom and gloom lol

So...Here we Go...


The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad News
first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's
the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.

Last Edited by trailingedge on 01/29/2013 09:12 PM
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
12.21.12

User ID: 9992933
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04/29/2012 11:21 PM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
laugh , see you nest week , same bat time , same bat channel 5stars

Last Edited by 12.21.12 on 04/29/2012 11:21 PM
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
04/29/2012 11:26 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
laugh , see you nest week , same bat time , same bat channel 5stars
 Quoting: 12.21.12


Thankyou...Will do.. :)
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
04/30/2012 12:15 AM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
bump for a laugh and a new GLP day...
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 12637238
Australia
05/06/2012 09:31 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stoic blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereo-type woman that way?"

She continues..." what does the colour of a persons hair have to do with her worth as a human being?....it's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!! "

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, then the blonde yells...

"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

:-)
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 12637238
Australia
05/06/2012 09:45 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
bump
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 12637238
Australia
05/06/2012 10:12 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
cool2
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
Anonymous Coward
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05/06/2012 10:31 PM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
clappa
MrCash

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05/06/2012 10:36 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
wave
"...and we dance to the music that plays in our teeth..."

:GLPbook:
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 12707563
Australia
05/07/2012 12:11 AM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
clappa
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 7315935


Thank you hf
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
Anonymous Coward
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05/07/2012 12:12 AM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
Anonymous Coward
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05/07/2012 12:14 AM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 13658451
Australia
05/07/2012 02:31 AM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15413555


Heard it before but it's a great one.
Thanks for the contribution :-)
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
05/14/2012 09:19 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again . The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, farther up, you will find glory..'
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 12413763
United States
05/14/2012 09:51 PM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
Maybe you all will appreciate this humor more than day crew did....
Thread: You will piss yourself watching this!
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 1267095
Australia
05/14/2012 11:37 PM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
Maybe you all will appreciate this humor more than day crew did....
Thread: You will piss yourself watching this!
 Quoting: Awake but dreaming


thought at least he'd fly through the gyprock wall :)
thanks for sharing.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 1267095
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05/15/2012 12:11 AM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
bump for a laugh tounge
Anonymous Coward
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05/15/2012 02:20 AM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
Maybe you all will appreciate this humor more than day crew did....
Thread: You will piss yourself watching this!
 Quoting: Awake but dreaming


thought at least he'd fly through the gyprock wall :)
thanks for sharing.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1267095

:yodawelcomemat:
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
05/23/2012 06:28 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?


'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says...

Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo s#!t. It means someone stole the tent'
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
05/23/2012 07:03 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
bump just for a laugh...
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
05/27/2012 07:04 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
cool2
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
Wonko the Sane

User ID: 1006609
United States
05/27/2012 07:22 PM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
cool2
 Quoting: trailingedge


I can just picture the old blind cowboy telling this to St. Peter
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
05/27/2012 07:32 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
cool2
 Quoting: trailingedge


I can just picture the old blind cowboy telling this to St. Peter
 Quoting: Wonko the Sane


lolsign
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
12.21.12

User ID: 9992933
United States
05/27/2012 07:49 PM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
laugh bump
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
05/27/2012 08:31 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
laugh bump
 Quoting: 12.21.12


appreciate the karma, thanksbeared
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
06/03/2012 06:21 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:

~~~Polish Remover~~~

tounge
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 1267095
Australia
06/03/2012 07:43 PM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
bump
tee =- hee
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United Kingdom
06/03/2012 07:45 PM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
2nd best thread on GLP today!

Sorry, Spider Invasion wins 1st Prize.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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Australia
06/03/2012 07:48 PM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
why thankyou grinning
Dr Phil
User ID: 9666070
New Zealand
06/03/2012 09:36 PM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
cool2
 Quoting: trailingedge


Soon as I get home from work I'm sharing that one with my daughters,on 2nd thought,perhaps I'll pull up outside,toot to get their attention,tell the joke,then go down to the pub for a couple of pints until they cool off.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 1267095
Australia
06/03/2012 10:22 PM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
cool2
 Quoting: trailingedge


Soon as I get home from work I'm sharing that one with my daughters,on 2nd thought,perhaps I'll pull up outside,toot to get their attention,tell the joke,then go down to the pub for a couple of pints until they cool off.
 Quoting: Dr Phil 9666070


lolsign