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^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK

 
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 19942785
Australia
08/20/2012 04:36 AM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
I'm thinking of writing my own erotic novel,like 50 shades of grey, so far I've got..."I gently ran my hands down her front,until I found the smoothness of her pussy..she was wetter than a spastics chin,"..What do you think?
 Quoting: Dr Phil


Clever, except for the fact that my son is mentally impaired...so you may have to be a little more careful with your character descriptions...
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
Dr Phil
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08/20/2012 07:19 PM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
I'm thinking of writing my own erotic novel,like 50 shades of grey, so far I've got..."I gently ran my hands down her front,until I found the smoothness of her pussy..she was wetter than a spastics chin,"..What do you think?
 Quoting: Dr Phil


Clever, except for the fact that my son is mentally impaired...so you may have to be a little more careful with your character descriptions...
 Quoting: trailingedge


Sorry aussie. No offence intended.
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
08/26/2012 06:32 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man asks ‘What is wrong’??

The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’

‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’??

The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.

tounge
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
09/03/2012 06:21 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
An old Pilot sat down at the Tim Horton's and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women when I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/03/2012 08:07 PM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
bump
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
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09/10/2012 10:54 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
A little boy catches his parents shagging.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

Mum says, "we're trying to make you a little brother or sister."

The boy says, "dad, turn mum over and do her doggie style: I want a puppy."

banana2
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
09/11/2012 12:17 AM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
bump just for a laugh :)
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
09/16/2012 06:23 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put one hand under your bra and my other hand down your panties. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips one of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. With his other hand he inserts it down her panties. He fondles her there also. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....This is too much information.......How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

tounge
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 1267095
Australia
09/16/2012 08:07 PM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
bump
...for a smile on a somewhat bleak outlook
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
09/17/2012 10:17 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,

“When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to shag your brains out, and suck your boobs dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

:)
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
10/08/2012 06:29 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.

The Gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Mike, a big Kiwi lad & former, All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Mike, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Mike was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss er."

"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

"Wull," said Mike, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
11/05/2012 12:08 AM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's willy and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your willy.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
hey now
User ID: 24800996
United States
11/05/2012 12:57 AM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
This is funny because I'm not that old yet:


An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked the man for a blood, urine and feces sample.

The man was slightly deaf and said, "What?"

The doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear."
hey now
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11/05/2012 01:07 AM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
The congressional aid asked the congressman "Sir, what are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"The congressman quickly replied "Shhhh, just pay it !"

What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?
....Silicon Valley !!!

Did you hear Lorena Bobbet was in a car accident ?
Yea, some dick cut her off !!!

A turtle was crossing the road when he was mugged by two snails. When the police arrived and asked him for a description , he replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

What did the Salmon say when he swam into a wall?
"Damn!"
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 26228737
Australia
11/05/2012 01:15 AM

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Thanks hey now :-)
Made me laugh :-)
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 26357200
United States
11/05/2012 01:28 AM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man asks ‘What is wrong’??

The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’

‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’??

The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.

tounge
 Quoting: trailingedge


bump
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 26357200
United States
11/05/2012 01:31 AM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put one hand under your bra and my other hand down your panties. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips one of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. With his other hand he inserts it down her panties. He fondles her there also. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....This is too much information.......How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

tounge
 Quoting: trailingedge


bump
SC
User ID: 14589973
United Kingdom
11/05/2012 01:38 AM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
cool2
 Quoting: trailingedge


chuckle
SC
User ID: 14589973
United Kingdom
11/05/2012 01:40 AM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
This needsbumping.
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 26228737
Australia
11/05/2012 01:43 AM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
This needsbumping.
 Quoting: SC 14589973


Thanks SC
It's a good compilation on reflection me thinks :-)
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
hey now
User ID: 24800996
United States
11/05/2012 01:43 AM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"



A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 26228737
Australia
11/05/2012 01:47 AM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"



A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
 Quoting: hey now 24800996


LOL :-)
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
hey now
User ID: 24800996
United States
11/05/2012 01:53 AM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
hey now
User ID: 24800996
United States
11/05/2012 02:07 AM
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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
I love jokes
They are the best medicine for an insane world



A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."


Why was the Blonde's bellybutton bruised?

Her husband was a blonde too!


A blonde was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''


What do you call five lesbians in a closet?

A licker cabinet
Kirk

User ID: 25384388
United States
11/05/2012 02:12 AM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
I was in a bar last night,nearby there were 2 huge,fat girls who were talking quite loudly in what I thought was a Scottish accent,so I went over and sail "Hello, are you 2 girls from Scotland?" One of them screamed "It's Wales you fucking idiot!" I immediately apologised and said "Sorry,are you 2 whales from Scotland?"
 Quoting: Dr Phil 19839697


that's funny.
LOL
Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
Kirk

User ID: 25384388
United States
11/05/2012 02:24 AM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
I'm thinking of writing my own erotic novel,like 50 shades of grey, so far I've got..."I gently ran my hands down her front,until I found the smoothness of her pussy..she was wetter than a spastics chin,"..What do you think?
 Quoting: Dr Phil


sounds like a best seller
Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
11/26/2012 05:27 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared.

Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish.

So...What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

tounge
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
11/26/2012 06:02 PM

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bump
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
12/09/2012 09:06 PM

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Re: ^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK
Husband Down


A husband and wife are shopping when the husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.'

On the Public Address system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 28930356
Australia
12/10/2012 01:22 AM

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bump
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."

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