^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK

Three blondes walked into a bar.
You would have thought the second one would have been a bit sharper!

Last Edited by Northern-Lights on 12/10/2012 02:12 AM

Watched 3 dvds back to back with the missus last night, luckily i was the one facing the TV :)

Lol thanks for your contribution :-)
Good karma comes your way...

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.

Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"

3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"

"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!"

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

Mum" he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

appologies in advance to our blonde GLP visitors :)



A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor a very handsome man with great hair, but obvious dandruff, gets into the elevator.

The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is.

The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor.The women watch him exit the elevator. Then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, 'God, was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders.

'To which the blonde replies, 'How do you give Shoulders?'



Last Edited by trailingedge on 01/14/2013 07:56 PM

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.


I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69


I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.


Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).


Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.


Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!


If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants

on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..

Plus, the head and the bum are interchangeable.'

Flat Tyre

An Aborigine was driving along the road when he suddenly noticed that one of his rear tyres had gone flat.
With a sigh and a curse he pulled over, got out the car jack and wheel brace and started undoing the nuts on the wheel.

Just after he started, a Subaru going along at high speed stopped in front of his car, brakes squealing.
Out hops a big Maori carrying a softball bat. The Maori proceeds to smash the side window of the Aborigine's car.
The Aborigine jumps up and starts yelling "what the f**k are you doing bro!"

The Maori says "cool it man, if you’re taking the wheels, don't complain about me taking the CD Player!"

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it heaps
break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says:

"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penis's 24 inches long.

When the Black male reaches a certain age a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, His wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African String-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

Made me LOL
Thanks OP!

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"


The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,***
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.


'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


No response.


So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


'For f$&! sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'