^^MONDAYS JOKE^^ -UPDATED EVERY WEEK

Clever, except for the fact that my son is mentally impaired...so you may have to be a little more careful with your character descriptions...

Sorry aussie. No offence intended.

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man asks ‘What is wrong’??

The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’

‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’??

The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.

An old Pilot sat down at the Tim Horton's and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women when I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

A little boy catches his parents shagging.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

Mum says, "we're trying to make you a little brother or sister."

The boy says, "dad, turn mum over and do her doggie style: I want a puppy."

just for a laugh :)

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put one hand under your bra and my other hand down your panties. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips one of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. With his other hand he inserts it down her panties. He fondles her there also. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....This is too much information.......How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

...for a smile on a somewhat bleak outlook

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,

“When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to shag your brains out, and suck your boobs dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

:)

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.

The Gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Mike, a big Kiwi lad & former, All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Mike, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Mike was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss er."

"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

"Wull," said Mike, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's willy and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your willy.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'

This is funny because I'm not that old yet:


An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked the man for a blood, urine and feces sample.

The man was slightly deaf and said, "What?"

The doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear."

The congressional aid asked the congressman "Sir, what are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"The congressman quickly replied "Shhhh, just pay it !"

What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?
....Silicon Valley !!!

Did you hear Lorena Bobbet was in a car accident ?
Yea, some dick cut her off !!!

A turtle was crossing the road when he was mugged by two snails. When the police arrived and asked him for a description , he replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

What did the Salmon say when he swam into a wall?
"Damn!"

Thanks hey now :-)
Made me laugh :-)

This needsing.

Thanks SC
It's a good compilation on reflection me thinks :-)

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"



A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

LOL :-)

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

I love jokes
They are the best medicine for an insane world



A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."


Why was the Blonde's bellybutton bruised?

Her husband was a blonde too!


A blonde was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''


What do you call five lesbians in a closet?

A licker cabinet

that's funny.
LOL

sounds like a best seller

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared.

Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish.

So...What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

Husband Down


A husband and wife are shopping when the husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.'

On the Public Address system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'