It's so hot I saw a dog chasing a cat only they were walking

IT,S SO HOT A FIRE HYDRANT WAS CHASING MY DOG DOWN THE SIEWALK. AND I ALSO SAW A FISH WALK UP TO OUR WELL AND GET A DRINK.

Its so hot my chickens and cats are under the same tree together...LOL

It's so hot, I just saw a chicken lay an omelette!

Dear Diary,

May 30th -- Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny
days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together.
What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was
beautiful. I've finally found my home I love it here.

June 14th -- Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in
an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun
worshipper.

June 30th -- Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots
of cactus and rocks What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th -- The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do
people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting
used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th -- Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of
my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th--- I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left
this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000
worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now
smells like Kibbles and BITS. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th--- Dry fetchin' heat, my butt. Hot is hot!! The home air -
conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive
by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th -- Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now.
$1,100 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I
ever come here?

Aug 4th--- 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It
cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman
pissed in my pool. I hate this fetchin' state.

Aug 8th-- If another wise cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going
to tear his swollen throat out. Darn heat. By the time I get to work the
radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like
roasted fricken Garfield!!

Aug 10th -- The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot
and Sunny. It's been too hot for two dang months and the weatherman says
it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren
desert??

Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus
just dried up and blew into the swealtoring pool. Even a cactus can't
live in this heat.

Aug 14th--- Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot
to crack the window and blew the fricken' windshield out of the
Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you
today?" My wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of
jail.

Aug 30th--- Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house.
The f***ing monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it
muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with
it's new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving to New York for
some peace and quiet.