Hi there. I want to thank you in advance. I hope you can help in some way.

I am frequent relapsing addict/alcoholic and even though I've managed to find some self control several times in my life and had many periods of sobriety, I've never been totally free from it, and seem to end up on a binge eventually.

I am female age 36 (37 mid August)and I have a loving husband and two wonderful kids. I'm very smart and hard working and loyal and my employers have always valued my work, but the last few years I have spiritually fizzled out and I'm no longer reliable because of my senseless binges that I have no excuses for....and they wear me down physically and can no longer "function" as I used to. I'm no longer fooling anyone, even my own self. I'm tired of feeling shame and I'm tired of feeling disappointment from others but mostly with myself. Staying positive and taking care of myself helps tremendously, but it only takes a deception in my own thinking and I'm just going to 'have a beer or two to relax' or pop a couple of opiate based pills that I can get from friends, and then I just can't stop at one. I literally binge myself sick. I started drinking at age 14, smoking pot at 18, and since then have been subject to those and several other substances. Mostly legal these days, I might add. But wtf...does that matter?

I am constantly tired.
I am constantly depressed.
I am constantly ashamed.
I am constantly tense and achy.
I am always, always fighting the "need" to self medicate pains and emotions and fatigue away.

I was laid off/fired in March from my job of 5 years partly due to this, and I have started working for another company and I'm already messing up. I just want to be the reliable and confident woman I used to be.

If there is anything you can do to help me release this, it would be a miracle. I'm not homeless and in a gutter yet, so it feels inappropriate to say I feel I am at a 10....but I have been close to a 10 most of my life. I would say 8 at the moment only because I'm trying so hard to take care of myself and rest so I can perform well at my job and keep stability for my family, but I am so worried I will mess it all up.

Thanks so much.

~C