X Marks the Spot

[

That's just it. The feeling of insignificance is so thorough that I can not say with any certainty what I enjoy or what I don't enjoy. There seems to be no difference at the moment, due to the insignificance I feel.

Regarding your previous post, I once was convinced that hell was actually here on earth. It was during that time in my life when I fasted to the point of death. I had a realization without rationality that I was in hell, and the only way out was to end my life. I also had a realization that I would not be allowed to end my life by my own will. I was certain that something would intervene to stop me. So, I tried to drown myself. Sure enough, forces intervened and I survived. The next day I was arrested and thrown into the Harris County Jail, where I again faced death. This time not by my own will. I blacked out twice...the second time for hours and hours as I lied on my back in that cell. Everything was dark, but I realized later that they kept the light on in my cell the entire time. When I got out, and was laid on my back in the back seat of my mom's car, I stopped breathing and they had to call an ambulance. When the paramedics arrived, they told my mom that I was too weak to lay on my back and breath; I needed to be placed on an incline. Yet I was lying on my back for hours and hours in that cell just an hour or so before.

I often wonder why I am still here. What am I supposed to do? Did I live just to confront that strange old man in the laundry room? If so, why did I survive that encounter?

It's not that I feel self pity. I honestly feel to insignificant to indulge in that. I understand how the past happened. I don't understand what the significance of these things are. Who was that old man? Did I just hallucinate all the things I saw?

I see the influence I can have and have had over those around me. Yet, I still feel as though this is insignificant. It is hard to reconcile the fact that the philosophy I follow is focused on the potential of the individual spirit and awareness of man. Yet, there still exists this insignificance that flies in the face of my adopted philosophy yet at the same time reinforces it.

What next?

That's just it. The feeling of insignificance is so thorough that I can not say with any certainty what I enjoy or what I don't enjoy.

I often wonder why I am still here.



I see the influence I can have and have had over those around me. Yet, I still feel as though this is insignificant. It is hard to reconcile the fact that the philosophy I follow is focused on the potential of the individual spirit and awareness of man. Yet, there still exists this insignificance that flies in the face of my adopted philosophy yet at the same time reinforces it.

What next?

i curious dilemma, to be sure, Jonny.

insignificance is a matter of perspective: what do you think the microbial life that makes it's home within you 'think' about significance?

and maybe you are measuring it with the incorrect metric...

is significance measured by the impact you have on others? how can a 'significant' artist affect those that are blind? How can you measure your own worth by the actions of others, whether or not they are affected by you?

tizz a spurious and ever changing ruler that u use.

everybody affects everybody: it's just that this affectation expresses itself in it's own way and seldom matches any preconcieved ideas we may have: whitness children of christions becoming athiest or vis-versa.

your significance is you: it is the potential that lies within you and its full relaization comes when you allow yourself to fully express yourself, when you trust your feelings and act acordingly.

remove your focus from others (their expressions you cannot change) and pay atention to oportunities that rise within yourself.

who the FUCK cares whether another sees it as significant or not, whether they join you or fight you. to your own self: be true.


and you will find that others respond in the most curious manor, often surprising and rarely 'sensible'. some will fight, others will be inspired, niether should move you from your own path of self becoming.

you are a gift, to yourself and others, but only when you cease to attempt to guide their lives and simply express your own potential.

let the others work out their own details, snowflake style.

I would rather send out more than I take in ... the exchange is only right since we were given so much in the first place.
Motion and progress are not the same thing.
A rocking horse is in motion but does it make progress?

It is more divine to give than to receive , the law of radiation and attraction and the First Law of Love



in that moment of Peace ... Be Still/Quiet and Know that I AM the All there is

Trust me, 909, I don't define my self confidence from other people's opinions. The philosophy I follow, the Toltec philosophy, makes direct reference to this:

“The self-confidence of the warrior is not the self-confidence of the average man. The average man seeks certainty in the eyes of the onlooker and calls that self-confidence. The warrior seeks impeccability in his own eyes and calls that humbleness. The average man is hooked to his fellow man, while the warrior is hooked only to infinity.”

The insignificance I feel is the insignificance of my own intent. My own impeccability. Despite all my focus for many years that has been applied to strengthening my awareness and my connecting link with intent...it is still insignificant and will always be so.

Sure, I have stories to tell, tales of power to recall. Yet, it seems this world has little use for them or for me. Perhaps I am just ready to move on. Perhaps I am just ready for my last battle. The quote that resonates with me today above all others:

“If a warrior wants to pay back for all the favors he has received, and he has no one in particular to address his payment to, he can address it to the spirit of man. That’s always a very small account, and whatever one puts in it is more than enough.”

dammit. i was goona be productive, but i can't resist.

conservation of 'energy' applies , finge.

and i can tell you: recieving is just as devine as giving: the one requires the other, in fact.

what would your devine 'giving' be without others to 'devinely' recieve your gift.

and i can tell you with deep certainty: to experience devine 'recieving' is fricken AWESOME!!!


takes two to tango

and

how much 'giving' is "the hanged man" handing out? all tied up and hanging their, by all acounts: powerless.

yet the smile....


the smile.


Mercury Rules 12 and stands at the middle of the six and is the gateway to Silver and Gold.


sigh.


so much to learn still, have i.......

i feel u, Jonny.


significant compared to what, i would still ask.


maybe its time to dance instead of fight.
have you ever noticed who similar they are: dancing and fighting.

the only thing that seperates them is intent. the somatic quality is nearly identical.

kinda like fear and excitement.


but then: i prefer dancing over fighting. lay down your weopons for a bit, Jonny


they will always be there....

I am sorry I managed to confuse you

tho I have no idea how,

x

Jonny try this for me if you will indulge me for a few

sit in your meditative position in a quiet place. Take whatever hand is your dominate one and make sure they are clean and say a blessing over them before you start . Hands are energy portals.

take a few deep breaths and center yourself releasing all of your thoughts . Then take your dominate hand and put it over your heart and begin to circle in a clock wise fashion around your heart. Send/speak love and self acceptance to your self till you feel the feelings of insignificance reside and Polk Salad Annie will help get you to that place of peace. reside in it for a bit .

Let me know how you feel afterwards... speak to that mountain

Clockwise from what perspective...looking out? Or from a perspective of the 3rd person?

and i can tell you: recieving is just as devine as giving: the one requires the other, in fact.

what would your devine 'giving' be without others to 'devinely' recieve your gift.

and i can tell you with deep certainty: to experience devine 'recieving' is fricken AWESOME!!!


takes two to tango

All of it arising from a base foundation of Closed System thoughts. They cannot accept the idea of a true Open System actually being a reality, so they shut their mind off to any possibility of it existing.

Not you love.

I was just providing an example.

No worries.


Good morning.

:)

looking out .. think of it like this a clock placed on your chest looking outward

good morning miss smooth

This insignificance that I feel along with the lack of clarity has let me see the mirror of self reflection in others.

Perhaps it is just viewing the many mirrors I see everyday in others that overwhelms me at times.

that post has prompted me thoughtful because my experience since being born here is my doubting myself is what was desired by people i met
strange sensation my past here until this day memories as

the crazy thing is, i cannot not be me, even if i desired , which i can not, because our environment remembers me only as i am, not how i may imagine i am

funny
funny day
funny night
maybe it was yesterday
it feels like it is that effect
cos tomorrow i know
i awaken as me
stuck with it

Hey Jonny, sounds to me like you are going through a type of 'cleansing' process. I don't think I can explain it, but you may agree and understand what I mean without me having to explain it.

Your "everything must go" moment. I had that about a year ago, clarity came after, firm ground? Only recently, lmao. I've found a happy balance with life/career/spirituality that pleases me. Knock on some very serious wood, lmao.

good morning

but why cling to a closed system
because they derive satisfying emotions from their closed system experience

this is what we have discovered
and you will be amazed how many are emotionally the same

they say the words "open system" but can and will express only closed system emotions into their words

Hiya Bea...




I was thinking something quite similar.

A line from a movie actually...


"Only after you have lost everything, are you free to do(BE) anything."

~Tyler Durden

:)

I had a physically sick purge... with the words "everything must go" directly preceding it. I was one with the all and pulled back, heard the words, then... blechhh! Right after, I hit seventh circuit thinking, thought it was all about me. Then I hit the eighth and realized, it's about everyone and everything. It was both ego-shattering and ego-building. I realized that no ego meant no personality, no individuation, the very thing we're here for. It was like being on the deck of a ship during a storm... then finding my footing to ride it out. We can all do that in our own ways. :)

Your "everything must go" moment. I had that about a year ago, clarity came after, firm ground? Only recently, lmao. I've found a happy balance with life/career/spirituality that pleases me. Knock on some very serious wood, lmao.