I'm pretty sure I am done. I'll still hang around and stuff, for a while. But, I think I am done trying to figure things out.
I had a discussion with Dion on my Septenary Man thread, and it is crazy when I look at my old writings, writings more than 20 years old of mine. Fuck. I've accomplished them. I was on a quest to touch my soul, my spirit, and see what I was comprised of.
Throughout my entire life there has been an ache, a longing, to struggle through all the many illusions of what we are before we have been entangled in the web of the human condition.
The human condition is comprised of unreality. It is comprised of errors and distortions and longing and blindness, and false hopes and deception and the worst of it; relying on others to find the self. Co-dependence and crutches and fantasies and all the many, many disturbing, debilitating constructs of fear and doubt.
I have asked the questions throughout my life, since the time I can remember: What are we and what are we here for?
Even when these answers become known, there is no relief or release like we think there will be. Unfortunately, learning or suspecting the answers...well the answers remain
beyond human expression. It is akin to trying to describe, in full and in perfect form beyond equivocation , the reason why you love your child, or the reason you were born. Read the tales of the saints.
[link to en.wikipedia.org
Read of St. John of the Cross and Saint Teresa of Avila. Their experiences, according to modern day Christians on this site would be of demonic influence.
Ah, I am getting off on a tangent.
There is no 100% absolution. I know now why the religious find such comfort in believing something from outside themselves will provide full absolution. How/why? Because it cannot be done save for fantasies and beliefs and the power of conformity that chains the soul.
The chains, the restriction, the boundaries that the human condition has constructed about itself...are comforting. We have been indoctrinated, composed of since our first breath, the predisposed human fallacy of not cycles, but of a singular beginning and end.
It all needs to be redone. The holy wars, the separation, the judgements, the righteousness. There is a problem though. Before, these things were isolated ideologies. Now, they consume the world. Not to mention the vices of greed and vanity.
We are due a cleansing. Cleansing does not mean death, but it does mean a painful SCRUB; a painful clearing of things attached to us that are not of our own self.
ALL the things you experience in this life are your own...~ I need to get back in touch with myself. I have strayed a very long way from my center. It is difficult being this sensitized to the world, to the people surrounding my life.
I want to go deep, deep down into the thing that I am. Touch my soul and release it. Let it flow out and consume my subjective being.
I can sense it here. I feel it. Itís just out of sight. It feels strange. It is here. And it is me. But it feels like someone else.
I hope one day I allow it to span this chasm of fear and sorrow that I have dug. Let my soul cross it, and like the sands beneath the ocean waves, I will let it engulf me and let it preside over the confusion and doubts that have constructed my life.