X Marks the Spot

keep talking is your message, mine is me slow down talking

i like it /z\

Thanks seer. That means a lot. I really appreciate it.

Entitlement definitely plays a role, I have to own that. But I think my anger is derived from what my Dad said to me over and over again all throughout my life.

He said he will always give to his children equally. Always. Without fail.

Towards the end of his life, he was always talking about how he was going to teach me to invest. He said it often and implied that at some point I would be helping him manage the families money.

He did so, I believe, because he knew I was fair minded and was capable of learning everything he had learned about it. My mom at the time showed no interest in managing the money.

He died unexpectedly, and just after his death I pushed for all the money to go to my Mom. I didn't even read the new will he had drawn up. The new will was found to be non-probate able because he only had one witness that signed it.

I pushed Mom to learn how to manage her own money while my sister pushed my mom to hand over the controls of the entire estate to her good friend who managed money for a living.

As it turns out, my Mom's mom agreed with me (of course...only a fucking lunatic would agree with my sister) and as a result my Mom taught herself how to invest during the year 2010. Then her mom died later that year. I had already mentioned my business idea to her and at first she was tepidly supportive.

Then grandma died and she became extremely negative, controlling, and greedy. And my brother and sister were both lined up at the money trough.

Had I known how unfair my Mom would have turned out to be, how against Dad's wishes she has acted, I would have demanded to see that will and would have gotten all that I could at the time.

My fault is that I was stupid enough to support her and believe that she was like my Dad...consistent and fair.

Something has always bothered me about the way my father died. It was sudden and unexpected and the more I think about it...the more suspicious I am about the circumstances of his death. His grave hasn't had a tombstone on it for 3 years and my mom still uses my dad's old email address.

Lot's of strange shit and unanswered questions. All I can do is walk away and laugh about it.

That sounds wise for the time being.


If I may all that you and your family has been through over the stated time...

For this ----> $$$

Is it worth it?



Like I mentioned to jigsaw, as long as one has shelter and enough to eat, their needs are met.

All else is ostentatious.

Unfortunately, my motivation was derived solely from my desire to impress my Dad.

I worked for Parker Drilling because I wanted to earn the money for the engagement ring for my wife. I didn't want my Dad to pay for it.

I took that job in Alaska because I wanted to show pops that I was capable of supporting myself and my wife and any children that we would have.

My pops absolutely loved my wife and always took her side in an argument, which I found amusing.

After Pops died, and the rest of my family revealed to me what they really thought about me. Especially after I told them I hadn't taken any meds for 8 years and my current Doctor said my condition was apparently in 'remission'. After I revealed that, my sister went on a rampage and my Mom treated me like I had the plauge.

My mom and sis both called up my wife, disrespected her and insulted her when she assured them that I was fine and my doctor said I was doing great.

Such a shame that they never thought of my wife the way my Dad did. He went out of his way to treat her with respect. He liked that she was raised on a dairy farm and worked her way through school to get a degree in Geology. I think he really connected with that...he was brought up in a rural and relatively poor setting as well.

I am fortunate that I have my wife and her large family to fall back on. They are so unlike my family. Everyone is cool to everyone. Lots of joking and occasional mischievousness. Twenty something people who are all related genuinely having a good time is really sort of a miracle.

Yeah. I need to confront my father. The only problem is that he is dead and I am alive.

Good morning

You can speak with him at this current moment. In your Mind or out loud. Whichever makes you more comfortable. Call him to you by imagining him in as much detail as you can. Including his voice.


Tell him exactly what you would say if he was standing before you.

Look for his response over the coming days or in dreams.

They are often accompanied by an out-of-place scent.

Hope this helps.

I'm not sure I am ready to open that door quite yet. I may be ready soon and when I am I will do exactly what you just described.

Since he has died, I have had two dreams that he was in. I can only remember the first one. I was in my side yard at my childhood home in Texarkana where I lived for the first 19 years of my life.

It was dark. I was at the back of the side yard right on the edge of the miles of woods that lie behind it. I started to go into the woods and explore as I used to do as a kid...everything got darker so I turned around.

I went back to where the driveway enters the garage. The BMW he bought me as a present for graduating in college when I got my first degree in Petroleum Engineering in 2000 was there. He was there.

He looked at me with a really concerned face. I could feel this deep emotion of longing. I got in the car and drove away.

My wife also said she heard him speak to her at night a few years ago. She said he told her to stay with me. He told her that I needed her.

good morning nico

nice song

I will interpret your dream for you if you will like. However, it may be a bit painful what it means.

Also, *sniff* that is beautiful. He loves her very much.

...

Perhaps I am not ready because I am currently using all that unresolved pent up emotion as an arsenal in my personal struggle with death.

Perhaps, deep down, I feel like things happened the way they happened. It's all just personal power. My personal power gave me a well of emotion to draw on instead of money.

It could be a waste to use it for anything other than my personal unavoidable encounter with death.

Yes, he does.

Do it. Whatever pain that is felt will be consumed by my blaze.

[link to www.astramate.com]

This is blowing my mind right now...

The torus, is only a transitional phase. Like say its the apple cores in the jar. The clean water helps it to transition into vinegar. And what does good vinegar have in it? Something called the mother, a blob. I wonder what the Earth will look like without a torus...

[link to www.youtube.com]

Do you feel you have a bit of a fixation on death?




This is the key sentence and action.


Longing.

What does it mean to emotionally long for someone? Your spouse. Your children. Those who have passed...

Grief often feels like a 'sucking hole' pulling ones self with it, into the darkness.


A BMW, being an affluent car. Your degree, praiseworthy. A moment in time to come together to celebrate your achievements, and he as your father proud and desiring your attention.

He meets you with longing, and which point you get into said affluent car, and leave.


It reminds me A LOT of this song...



...




Last Edited by Seer777 on 02/07/2013 10:21 AM

nice
it has a motive to be shaped as it is doing what it does
it is the expression of the motive that forms it so to be so

My philosophy certainly does. I could provide quotes. ;)





Yes. I'm not sure exactly when the dream occurred. I believe it happened after my Mom refused to match the funds I had saved and then claimed that she was the one who offered to match my funds, but I said no.

My sis had ruined my professional reputation, then admitted calling up a total stranger to her, my old co-worker, while my mom took her side and called my wife a liar. My Mom acted like my father would have disowned me for lying about my private medical situation and for making my own judgments about how to treat my 'condition', etc etc

I believe this was the time period that I had the dream. I felt that he desperately wanted me to stay there in that place for a little while. I was so angry.

Anger almost consumed me, I will admit. It took me some time and a shrink to express all this too. It took a professional opinion with no bias to look me in the eye and tell me that in her opinion A) I don't have a mood disorder. B) I did nothing wrong. C) The way I feel is justified and she was surprised that I was dealing with all of it so well.

That and time has brought me to a point where I feel like I have regained control over my hatred, bitterness, resentment, and anger.

Last Edited by Jonny Blaze on 02/07/2013 10:34 AM

whoa, this lesson I'm taking right now just said 'synergy is the combination between studying botany and being an herbalist'. It takes a lot of time and effort to wildcraft or gather your own medicines rather than buying the medicines to give out. But that is what makes it more interesting and understanding the how of it.

That is an interesting way to think of synergy, at least to me

a short reminder why what we discuss and experience on this thread can cause some people to feel emotionally edgy
maybe

Yeah, some of us need to keep a tighter lid on those pesky emotions. ;)

Have you considered to put down all that? Have you asked yourself why you choose to carry it?

'Let it go' rings true here. And by let it go I mean ALL of IT.

All that up there, and that you want to say...

Pain pushes one to either rise or fold.
'Stepping stones'


Free yourSelf from its grasp. Do not allow it to rule you or your thoughts.

And especially your actions. It is in the past and there it will stay. One can not change the past, as far as I know...


Find that which you are thankful for and focus on that.

Make it priority.


If old feelings reignite, which they will, observe them from an objective POV, find where it is REALLY coming from, then let it pass over you like wind.

I am glad to hear of your success at gaining more control over those emotional responses...



How do you do stop a thought?

oh
you and all others on this thread was not in my thought when i posted that
what was in my thought was i think we are all doing pretty will in societies that educationally tell we on this thread must be delusional

I understand where you are coming from and why one would assume that to be a rational and logical way to better oneself.

While I have discovered that to dwell on such things is an indulgence.

However, this can be controlled. The result is that I can consciously force my mood to anger under any circumstance, regardless of what the environment might ordinarily dictate.

If I can remain detached enough to know when I am dwelling on dark things and limit such indulgences, the usefulness of 'clinging' to this particular gateway to that well of terrible anger is quite useful.



Yes. I dwell on things I am thankful for too. ;)




Well, I can stop talking to myself for a period of time if I try. But sooner or later I will begin talking to myself again.

We can pause thought through meditation, but I don't wish to be a monk and meditate away my existence.

So, I use these triggers. I dull them just enough to control them.

I didn't think it so. I was just jabbing at you to make sure. ;)

see
without thought that hole in the ground word becomes will
i like it

popping to store to feel odd on our sidewalks

:solitude:

It's never about the money as much as the opportunities.


An ode to trophy wives.