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Lets have a laugh and post a joke.

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 17509766
Australia
07/22/2012 06:33 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading
a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that's not that bad..is it?"
"It was the first day I got me hook".
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 20236932
Australia
07/22/2012 06:34 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants!"

The pirate replies, "YARRRR It's driving me nuts!!!"
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 7994735
Canada
07/22/2012 06:44 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
you down under dudes are cracking me up..choking on my beer.

what did the leper say to the hooker?


Keep the tip
071676

User ID: 19545845
United States
07/22/2012 07:29 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs stuck in the woods




Nothing. He can't come.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 20089618
United Kingdom
07/22/2012 07:36 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
Lou Vega has re-released his biggest hit single........

A little bit of Ahmed on the floor
A little bit of Abdul on the door,
A little bit of Sanjeev in the hall
A little bit of Imran up the wall

Ahhhrr Mumbai number 5!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 6282271
Spain
07/22/2012 07:43 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
Chuck Norris facts:

- Chuck Norris breaks wireless links with his bare hands.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need a cell phone; shouting does the job.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 20089618
United Kingdom
07/22/2012 08:07 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
Doctor - "How often do you masturbate?"

Patient - "About 4 times a week."

Doctor - "Do you think you can stop?"

Patient - "Why?"

Doctor - "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
Stimpack

User ID: 19950688
Australia
07/22/2012 08:13 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
Statistically speaking 9 out of ten people enjoy gang rape.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 20268063


LOL you won my joke of the year!!! :D

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

big_smile
Goetia
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 19045680
United States
07/22/2012 08:15 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
Do you know why it's so difficult to hold on to hallucinogenic toads when you lick them ?

























They're ticklish around the balls
Fun-Da-Mental

User ID: 4433985
Netherlands
07/22/2012 08:16 AM

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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
I LOL'ed hehe

Why is it impossible for a blond girl to open a can of orange juice?



Cos on the can it says "concentrate"
TheLordsEnabler

User ID: 18558063
United States
07/22/2012 08:17 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
A police officer came to my door today.

I opened the door..and he held up a photo of my wife and said...

"Is this your wife sir??"

"Yes" I replied...gettin a bit worried.....

"Well"..He continued "I have some tragic news...it appears she has been hit by a bus"


I look down..sadly..then say..

"I know....but she has a GREAT personality..and she is awesome with the kids".....
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17509766


ok you got me ROTF
Can be found in your heart ...
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 20002311
United Kingdom
07/22/2012 08:25 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?





















Stephen Hawking in a housefire.
IWant2Believe

User ID: 4888930
United States
07/22/2012 09:06 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
Why are Adam & Eve Obama-era Americans?


odance




...Because they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are told this is paradise.
I am insane. And you are my insanity.

Life is a brief joke that ends in death.

Learn from the past, endure the present, fight the future.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 19045680
United States
07/22/2012 09:09 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
How do you seat 4 gay men on a barstool ?

Flip it over hiding
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 20089618
United Kingdom
07/22/2012 09:22 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
UK Police finally admit they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles De Menez.

It was his naughty brother they were after, Dennis.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 19045680
United States
07/22/2012 09:23 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
UK Police finally admit they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles De Menez.

It was his naughty brother they were after, Dennis.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 20089618


hee hee
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 20089618
United Kingdom
07/22/2012 09:24 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
a few frankie boyle classics..


"They say the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I'm mean come on, for £9.2 billion you could've written "Fuck Off Germany" onto the moon..."

"What's that Joker? You'll be back? You know somehow, I don't think you will be."

"I like storms, I like thunder and lightning. What I like to do during a storm, is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist".

"Use the force, Luke. I've run out of lubricant."

"You're good at poker, Bond. But lets see how you do on the fruit machines."
Sharty Mc Bean

User ID: 20213931
Germany
07/22/2012 09:26 AM

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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.




Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 18723907
United Kingdom
07/22/2012 10:52 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
well hope these jokes cheered everybody up a bit.
Eggcellent

User ID: 13043121
United States
07/22/2012 11:08 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
Have you heard about McDonald's' new "Obama Value Meal"?

Order anything you like, and the guy behind you has to pay for it!
"I have come to the conclusion that all news should be treated like 9/11, assume it is a psyop with actors participating in a staged event complete with props, until proven otherwise, in which case assume whatever is being recorded, reported, televised, is distortions/lying by omission/outright lies, until proven otherwise." - Anonymous, 4-13-12
Elsabiades..
User ID: 20022423
United States
07/22/2012 11:21 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
A guy walks into a pub..and sees a beautiful brunette at the end of the bar...he says: "hey baby, what's your name?" She says: "I don't give out my name to stange men in a bar; however, for purposes of our conversation, you can call me Carmen"...the fellow says: "Why, Carmen?"...She says: "Well, it's because I like Cars and Men; so, what's your name?" The guy responds: "BeerFuckin".
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1247173
United States
07/22/2012 11:24 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
On the bathroom stall wall:

Kissed my girl, got erected

Popped the question, got rejected

So here I sit, upon this seat

Smelling shit, and beating meat.
Elsabiades...
User ID: 20022423
United States
07/22/2012 11:31 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
An elderly couple, having just been married, rent a room at the local motel. The women sits down on the bed and takes her skirt and panties off....as she is removing her blouse, she says: "I just want you to know that I have acute angina"....the man says: "boy, I'm glad to hear that because those titties are hideous!!
Elsabiades..
User ID: 20022423
United States
07/22/2012 11:34 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
On the bathroom stall wall:

Kissed my girl, got erected

Popped the question, got rejected

So here I sit, upon this seat

Smelling shit, and beating meat.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1247173


Another bathroom stall:

"He who writes on the shithouse wall; rolls his shit into little balls;
He who reads these words of wit; eat them little brown balls of shit !"
Mordier L'eft

User ID: 19388961
Canada
07/22/2012 11:37 AM

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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
what do you get when you cross a badger with a homosexual?












i'm not sure, but keep it away from my ass!
--"In this era of great big brains anything that can happen will. So hunker down." -- Kurt Vonnegut, JR. -- Galapagos.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 20285623
Ireland
07/22/2012 11:51 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven.

"Hey, what's going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter.

"Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replies.

"No, no this isn't right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away."

"Would you like a cappuccino?" asks St Peter.

"No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replies the Muslim.

"Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," says St Peter, and goes off to find him.

"Jesus, I don't understand what's going on here," the Muslim says. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed."

"Would you like a cappuccino?"

"No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now."

"Well, you can talk to God if you like", says Jesus.

This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the Muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears.

"Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God.

The Muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don't get what's happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!"

"Would you like a cappuccino?"

"Okay, okay," says the Muslim, "I'll have a fucking cappuccino - now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed."

"Two cappuccinos, Mohammed," says God.
LEE MAC
User ID: 19365523
United Kingdom
07/22/2012 12:17 PM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
THERS TOW PRIESTS CHATING UP A OLTERBOY AND THE FIRST PRIEST GOs. *** ***** ***** **** ***** ***** ***** * ** *** *** ***
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1210737
United States
07/22/2012 12:21 PM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
Acop stops a car for speeding through his town. Cop walks up to the driver and asks for his license. Cop writes the driver a ticket for speeding, and then punches him in the mouth. The driver, in a lot of pain asked what the hell he hit him for. The cop replys " thats for speeding through our town. The cop walks around to passengers side and asks the passenger for his ID. Passenger hands the cop his ID. The cop looks at the ID, hands it back and then smacks the passenger in the mouth. The passenger yells back, " what the hell did you hit me for". Cop says, Thats for when I go back to my patrol car and you turn to your buddy and say "I wished he would of tried to punch me in the mouth".
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 20283612
United Kingdom
07/22/2012 12:30 PM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
I have a dog called cigarette.
Why is called cigarette?... ...
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 20283612
United Kingdom
07/22/2012 12:31 PM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
I have a dog called cigarette.
Why is called cigarette?... ...
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 20283612


I forgot to add it also has no legs.....

Start again...
I have a dog with no legs called cigarette.
Why is it called cigarette?... ...