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Lets have a laugh and post a joke.

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 16549576
Australia
07/22/2012 02:59 PM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Nah,,, I couldn't find her head.

5a
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17509766


Sick joke of the day.


banana2
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 16549576
Australia
07/22/2012 03:00 PM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
you down under dudes are cracking me up..choking on my beer.

what did the leper say to the hooker?


Keep the tip
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 7994735


Why did the lepper leave the party?


Everyone kept using his back for a dip.


5a
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 16549576
Australia
07/22/2012 03:01 PM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
Lou Vega has re-released his biggest hit single........

A little bit of Ahmed on the floor
A little bit of Abdul on the door,
A little bit of Sanjeev in the hall
A little bit of Imran up the wall

Ahhhrr Mumbai number 5!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 20089618


LOLOLOLOL
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 16549576
Australia
07/22/2012 03:05 PM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
On the bathroom stall wall:

Kissed my girl, got erected

Popped the question, got rejected

So here I sit, upon this seat

Smelling shit, and beating meat.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1247173


Another bathroom stall:

"He who writes on the shithouse wall; rolls his shit into little balls;
He who reads these words of wit; eat them little brown balls of shit !"
 Quoting: Elsabiades.. 20022423


Back of toilet door in Adelaide 20 years ago I read...

"Please flush twice...its a long way to McDonalds."
Terp
User ID: 19916272
United States
07/22/2012 03:47 PM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey pal, we have a drink named after you."
Grasshopper says, "Oh yeah... Steve?"

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm just looking for the man who shot my paw!"

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "Hey everybody, highballs are on me!"

A baby seal walks into a club

A Mexican, an Indian, a Priest, and a Rabi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

An atom walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I lost an electron!"
The bartender says, "Are you sure?"
The atom replies, "I'm positive!"

A neutron walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, how much for a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale?"
Bartender replies, "For you pal, no charge!"

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Hey, where is the bar tender?"
Terp
User ID: 19916272
United States
07/22/2012 03:49 PM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
A string walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a Sierra Nevada Wheat!"
Bartender replies, "Sorry pal, we don't serve strings here."
The string is a bit irked, but continues down the block to the next pub. "Bartender, give me a drink."
"Read the sign, pal. No strings allowed."
Now the string is desperate for a drink. He walks into the alley, ties himself into a knot, and messes up his hair. He goes back into the bar, "Bartender, give me a drink."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, aren't you that string?"
The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
Terp
User ID: 19916272
United States
07/22/2012 03:49 PM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
A panda walk into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and kills the waiter. He then heads for the door. The hysterical bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda!"
"So, what the hell does that matter?" shouts the bartender.
"Look it up!" With that the panda left. The bartender opened his dictionary to the word 'panda' and read the following definition:
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 19916272
United States
07/22/2012 03:50 PM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
An old-timer in Scotland was sipping on a Sierra Nevada Porter and talking to a young man...
Old man "Laddy, look out there at that fence o'er yonder. Do ya' see that fence? I built that fence stone by stone with me own hands. I piled it for months! But do they call me McGreggor-the-fence-builder? Nooooo..."
Then he pointed to the bar. "Look at this here bar. Do ya' see how smooth and just it is? I planed the surface down by me own achin' back. I carved the wood with me own hard labour, for eight days! But do they call me McGreggor-the-bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then he pointed out the window. "Eh, laddy, look out to sea. Do ya' see that pier that stretches as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board! But do they call me McGreggor-the-pier-builder? Noooo..."
Then he looked behind him to make sure no one was paying attention.
"But ya' f@#k one sheep..."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 16772638
United States
07/22/2012 03:52 PM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
Guy comes home late after a long day a work. His wife's sitting there waiting for him to come in. She's been home all day doing nothing like a freakin princess as usual. He comes in and she's pissed off.

Wife: "Where the hell were you, it's nine thirty!"
Guy:"Take it easy, I just went after work to get a tattoo"
Wife:"You got a...Jesus...where the hell did you get a tattoo?"
Guy:"Oh, we'll you know that place down after the..."
Wife:"No no, I mean where on your body?"
Guy:"Oh yeah well I ugh...I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick"
(wife's face seizes up into an expression of horror)
Guy:"Yeah see I thought it was a good idea because now, you don't even have to go out...you can just stay at home and blow a hundred bucks whenever you want!"

I like that one. It'd be a great prank to pull too of your girl can take a joke...and the blatant inference that she ought to step it up in the blowjob department...
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 20138605
Australia
07/22/2012 04:20 PM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
Why did God create Man?..........Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.


A lovely blond woman is having her hair done at a hairdressing salon, after she had finished the hair dresser asked, do you have any question?.... The blond thought for a moment then asked, my husband has dandruff, how do I fix it?....Thats easy the hairdresser says, give him head and shoulders........the blond shakes her head side to side a couple of times, then asks.....how do you give shoulders.
thetrickybigguy
say hello to my little friend...

User ID: 20270292
United States
07/22/2012 04:43 PM

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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
a duck walks into a store and asks the clerk, got any bananas?

clerk says no so the duck leaves.

next day the duck comes in and asks the clerk, got any bananas?

clerk says no and the duck leaves.

duck comes in the next day and asks the clerk again, got any bananas?

the clerk says if you come in here again and ask for bananas ill super glue your feet to the ceiling.

next day the duck comes in and asks the clerk, got any superglue?

clerk says no and the duck ask, got any bananas?


5a
Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living. ~

Life is about choices, you get to make them each and every day of your life. ~

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.~

Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.~

“When a government is dependent for money upon the bankers, they and not the government leaders control the nation. This is because the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Financiers are without patriotism and without decency.”
thetrickybigguy
say hello to my little friend...

User ID: 20270292
United States
07/22/2012 04:47 PM

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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
farmer and his wife were laying in bed and the farmer reaches over and grabs one of her titties and says, honey if we could get some milk out of here we could get rid of the cows....

then he reaches down and grabs her croch and says, honey if we could get some eggs out of here we could get rid of the chickens....

she reaches over and grabs his limp dick and says....

honey, if we could get this hard, we could get rid of your brother.

5a

Last Edited by thetrickybigguy on 07/22/2012 05:59 PM
Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living. ~

Life is about choices, you get to make them each and every day of your life. ~

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.~

Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.~

“When a government is dependent for money upon the bankers, they and not the government leaders control the nation. This is because the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Financiers are without patriotism and without decency.”
thetrickybigguy
say hello to my little friend...

User ID: 20270292
United States
07/22/2012 06:02 PM

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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
two country boys were sittin' on the porch and one said to the other, if i had sex with your wife, would that makes us kin?

other guy says, i don't know if it would make us kin, but it sure would make us even.

5a

Last Edited by thetrickybigguy on 07/22/2012 07:48 PM
Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living. ~

Life is about choices, you get to make them each and every day of your life. ~

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.~

Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.~

“When a government is dependent for money upon the bankers, they and not the government leaders control the nation. This is because the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Financiers are without patriotism and without decency.”
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 19951199
Australia
07/23/2012 06:35 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
a duck walks into a store and asks the clerk, got any bananas?

clerk says no so the duck leaves.

next day the duck comes in and asks the clerk, got any bananas?

clerk says no and the duck leaves.

duck comes in the next day and asks the clerk again, got any bananas?

the clerk says if you come in here again and ask for bananas ill super glue your feet to the ceiling.

next day the duck comes in and asks the clerk, got any superglue?

clerk says no and the duck ask, got any bananas?


5a
 Quoting: thetrickybigguy


laugh

I like that :D
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 19951199
Australia
07/23/2012 06:48 AM
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Re: Lets have a laugh and post a joke.
A frog walks into a bank...

he approaches the teller and sees on her name badge that she is call Patricia Whack

"Hi Patricia", says the frog

"Please, call me Paddy", says Paddy

"I would like a loan please"

"Uhm... we don't normally serve frogs here"

The frog looks over and sees the manager and says to Paddy, she knows me Mrs Whack, go talk to her

So Paddy goes to the manager and asks about the strange frog. The manager says "Oh that's Kermit Jagger, he's the son of Mick Jagger. VIF. Look after him"

Paddy goes back to Kermit and explains that she can give him a loan, but she will need to see some collateral first, due to policy and such.

Kermit starts fishing around his pockets and finally pulls out a little elephant made from jade. Exquisite. Hand-carved from javanese maidens. It has sapphires for eyes and a diamond for a butthole.

Paddy takes this trinket, and unsure of what to do, she takes it to her manager and asks "what the f is this?"

The manager rolls her eyes and says,

It's a knick knack Paddy Whack give the frog a loan
His old man's a rolling stone

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