Lets have a laugh and post a joke.

A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading
a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that's not that bad..is it?"
"It was the first day I got me hook".

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants!"

The pirate replies, "YARRRR It's driving me nuts!!!"

you down under dudes are cracking me up..choking on my beer.

what did the leper say to the hooker?


Keep the tip

What do you call a man with no arms and legs stuck in the woods




Nothing. He can't come.

Lou Vega has re-released his biggest hit single........

A little bit of Ahmed on the floor
A little bit of Abdul on the door,
A little bit of Sanjeev in the hall
A little bit of Imran up the wall

Ahhhrr Mumbai number 5!

Chuck Norris facts:

- Chuck Norris breaks wireless links with his bare hands.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need a cell phone; shouting does the job.

Doctor - "How often do you masturbate?"

Patient - "About 4 times a week."

Doctor - "Do you think you can stop?"

Patient - "Why?"

Doctor - "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

LOL you won my joke of the year!!! :D

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Do you know why it's so difficult to hold on to hallucinogenic toads when you lick them ?

























They're ticklish around the balls

I LOL'ed hehe

Why is it impossible for a blond girl to open a can of orange juice?



Cos on the can it says "concentrate"

ok you got me ROTF

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?





















Stephen Hawking in a housefire.

Why are Adam & Eve Obama-era Americans?







...Because they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are told this is paradise.

How do you seat 4 gay men on a barstool ?

Flip it over

UK Police finally admit they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles De Menez.

It was his naughty brother they were after, Dennis.

hee hee

a few frankie boyle classics..


"They say the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I'm mean come on, for £9.2 billion you could've written "Fuck Off Germany" onto the moon..."

"What's that Joker? You'll be back? You know somehow, I don't think you will be."

"I like storms, I like thunder and lightning. What I like to do during a storm, is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist".

"Use the force, Luke. I've run out of lubricant."

"You're good at poker, Bond. But lets see how you do on the fruit machines."

well hope these jokes cheered everybody up a bit.

Have you heard about McDonald's' new "Obama Value Meal"?

Order anything you like, and the guy behind you has to pay for it!

A guy walks into a pub..and sees a beautiful brunette at the end of the bar...he says: "hey baby, what's your name?" She says: "I don't give out my name to stange men in a bar; however, for purposes of our conversation, you can call me Carmen"...the fellow says: "Why, Carmen?"...She says: "Well, it's because I like Cars and Men; so, what's your name?" The guy responds: "BeerFuckin".

On the bathroom stall wall:

Kissed my girl, got erected

Popped the question, got rejected

So here I sit, upon this seat

Smelling shit, and beating meat.

An elderly couple, having just been married, rent a room at the local motel. The women sits down on the bed and takes her skirt and panties off....as she is removing her blouse, she says: "I just want you to know that I have acute angina"....the man says: "boy, I'm glad to hear that because those titties are hideous!!

Another bathroom stall:

"He who writes on the shithouse wall; rolls his shit into little balls;
He who reads these words of wit; eat them little brown balls of shit !"

what do you get when you cross a badger with a homosexual?












i'm not sure, but keep it away from my ass!

A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven.

"Hey, what's going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter.

"Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replies.

"No, no this isn't right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away."

"Would you like a cappuccino?" asks St Peter.

"No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replies the Muslim.

"Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," says St Peter, and goes off to find him.

"Jesus, I don't understand what's going on here," the Muslim says. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed."

"Would you like a cappuccino?"

"No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now."

"Well, you can talk to God if you like", says Jesus.

This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the Muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears.

"Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God.

The Muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don't get what's happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!"

"Would you like a cappuccino?"

"Okay, okay," says the Muslim, "I'll have a fucking cappuccino - now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed."

"Two cappuccinos, Mohammed," says God.

THERS TOW PRIESTS CHATING UP A OLTERBOY AND THE FIRST PRIEST GOs. *** ***** ***** **** ***** ***** ***** * ** *** *** ***

Acop stops a car for speeding through his town. Cop walks up to the driver and asks for his license. Cop writes the driver a ticket for speeding, and then punches him in the mouth. The driver, in a lot of pain asked what the hell he hit him for. The cop replys " thats for speeding through our town. The cop walks around to passengers side and asks the passenger for his ID. Passenger hands the cop his ID. The cop looks at the ID, hands it back and then smacks the passenger in the mouth. The passenger yells back, " what the hell did you hit me for". Cop says, Thats for when I go back to my patrol car and you turn to your buddy and say "I wished he would of tried to punch me in the mouth".

I have a dog called cigarette.
Why is called cigarette?... ...

I forgot to add it also has no legs.....

Start again...
I have a dog with no legs called cigarette.
Why is it called cigarette?... ...