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All JOKE thread !!!!

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 17220674
Canada
08/08/2012 04:23 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
Gay Irishman: Choses sex with a chick instead of drinking beer
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 15726189
United States
08/08/2012 04:25 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
Guy comes home late from working late. His wife is pissed off at him as usual for being late...he doesn't care because all she does is yell at him and spend money anyway. So he walks through the door and she's in the kitchen waiting for him:

Wife: "Where the hell have you been? It's nine thirty!!!"
Guy: "Oh yeah well I ugh...I stopped on the way home and got a tattoo"
Wife: "You got a...where the hell did you get a tattoo?"
Guy: "That place down where Artie's brother goes down near.."
Wife: "No, where ON YOUR BODY!?!?!?!?"
Guy: "Oh well I...I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick"
(Wife's face contorts into a look of disturbed horror)
Guy: "Yeah now see I thought it'd be a great idea because now, you don't even have to go out...you can just stay at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

(wife's face looks more angry/insulted than a little kid who just found out about Santa)
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 15806962
Canada
08/08/2012 04:25 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
What do you call and Eskimo Lesbian?
A Klondike.

Why don't San Francisco Cheerleaders where skirts?
When they do, their balls hang out.

Why do Nipples have bumps on them?
It's Braile for "Lick Here"

Why isn't there any toilet paper in KFC?
Because it's Finger licking' good!

What do you find in a clean nose?
Finger prints.

Did you hear about Divorce Barbie?
It comes with all of Ken's Shit.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?
A mechanic.

Why do girls fart after they pee?
They can't shake, so they blow dry.

What is the difference from Out-Laws and in-laws
Out-Laws are wanted.

Why do dogs lick their ass?
Because they know, in five minutes they will be licking your face.

How can you tell if your sperm count is high?
If a woman has to chew before she swallows.

What's grosser than gross?
Having a dream about eating pudding and waking up with a spoon in your ass.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 17220674
Canada
08/08/2012 04:28 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
"We could say [Democrats] spend money like drunken sailors, but that would be unfair to drunken sailors. It would be unfair, because the sailors are spending their own money." -- Reagan
Rossey

User ID: 21540666
United Kingdom
08/08/2012 04:28 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
 Quoting: omar


applause2
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1509513
Netherlands
08/08/2012 04:31 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
Three shortest books:

Jewish business ethics
Italian war heroes
Negros I've Met While Yachting
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17220674


rofl
Ythra

User ID: 18731711
United Kingdom
08/08/2012 04:34 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
What do you call a Pakistani lesbian?

Minjeeta.

What do you call a naked Pakistani man standing too close to the fire?

Sinjit.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21552854
United States
08/08/2012 04:36 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
What's red and smells like green paint?
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red paint
Rossey

User ID: 21540666
United Kingdom
08/08/2012 04:40 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
YOU GUYS WILL LOVE THIS JOKE!

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your f*cking BADGE!!"
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 18427787


applause
mtn_mang

User ID: 20008997
United States
08/08/2012 04:57 PM

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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
what's the difference between period blood and sand?
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 20242703
United States
08/08/2012 05:48 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
NEVER TO LIE TO GRANDMA....

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say hi and asked what the line was for.
Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.
He said, 'How the heck do you do this at your age?'
She said, 'I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry!'
The policeman fainted.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 17225229
Australia
08/08/2012 05:53 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
what's the difference between period blood and sand?
 Quoting: mtn_mang


Ya cant gargle sand??

hiding
mtn_mang

User ID: 20008997
United States
08/09/2012 12:31 AM

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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
what's the difference between period blood and sand?
 Quoting: mtn_mang


Ya cant gargle sand??

hiding
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17225229


you win, (:
Factual Error

User ID: 19116606
United States
08/09/2012 01:02 AM

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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say " nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge!
Not intended to be a factual statement.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 20242703
United States
08/09/2012 09:20 AM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
bump
 Quoting: grasptheuniverse
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 20242703
United States
08/09/2012 06:34 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
"We could say [Democrats] spend money like drunken sailors, but that would be unfair to drunken sailors. It would be unfair, because the sailors are spending their own money." -- Reagan
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17220674


rockon
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 20242703
United States
08/09/2012 08:13 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
What's red and smells like green paint?
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red paint
 Quoting: TexasGirl


laugh
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21575217
08/09/2012 09:00 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
how do you make a hormone?
don't pay her.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21575217
08/09/2012 09:02 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
a man walks into a burger house. after some time a fat attendant comes up and says "sorry about the wait",
to which he replies "don't worry about it, i'm sure you'll lose it eventually".
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21575217
08/09/2012 09:04 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
how do you get a nun pregnant?

fuck her.
Ducimus_
...Love never fails...

User ID: 21628567
Canada
08/09/2012 09:10 PM

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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks........I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them screamed, "It's WALES, you friggin' IDIOT, WALES!"

So, I immediately apologized and said "Sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"



That's all I remember.....

waaaht
...to lead...

...a proud Moodie...

...not perfect...just forgiven...

...all that truly matters in the end...is that you loved...
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21575217
08/09/2012 09:16 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
what did the leper say to the prostitute?

keep the tip
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21244322
United Kingdom
08/09/2012 09:21 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
I was watching a movie with the kids a few
nights ago and my daughter looked up at me
and said "Daddy do you think that lady is
going to die?"
I had to think for a while before I replied,
"well judging by the size
of that horses cock I would say yes!"
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21575217
08/09/2012 09:26 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
the pope is flying back to the vatican with his trusted aides & a group of children on a school trip to see the cathedrals. being a long flight his holiness falls asleep but is woken by rushing wind and the pilot screaming at him "the plane is crashing into a mountain in 30 seconds we must hurry and parachute out of here"
"what about the children?" the pope asks,
the pilot says "oh, fuck the kids!"
the pope replies "do you think we have time?"
raul zatono
User ID: 14183783
United States
08/09/2012 09:33 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
An Italian father and his three sons are sitting at the family table after just finishing off supper. The father looks over to his one son and sais, "Hey Vito, how come you a hold a your belly and moan and a groan?" Vito responds, "Papa, itza because of a mommas lasagnia, it tastes a so good, I take a to big a bite!" The father then looks at his second son and sais, "Hey Tony, how come you a hold a your belly and moan and a groan like a your brother?" Tony responds, "Papa, itza mommas linguini, it tastes a so good, I take a to big a bite!" Now the father looks at the third son, he sais, "Bruno, how a come you a no big and a fat like a your other brothers?" Bruno responds, "Papa, thatsa because I like to eat a pussy!" Father sais, "Bruno, whatsa matta you, pussy tastes like shit!" Bruno responds, "Papa, thatsa because you take a to big a bite!"
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 20242703
United States
08/09/2012 10:27 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
Gay Irishman: Choses sex with a chick instead of drinking beer
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17220674


drunk
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21661862
08/10/2012 07:33 AM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
moar jokes i say!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 4243405
Finland
08/10/2012 08:28 AM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
An epitome of being cheap and thrifty?

A pedophile goes to Thailand and takes his own children along with him
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 20242703
United States
08/10/2012 06:54 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
moar jokes i say!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 21661862


I'm with you!
Dr Phil

User ID: 21351408
New Zealand
08/10/2012 07:14 PM
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Re: All JOKE thread !!!!
I was watching a movie with the kids a few
nights ago and my daughter looked up at me
and said "Daddy do you think that lady is
going to die?"
I had to think for a while before I replied,
"well judging by the size
of that horses cock I would say yes!"
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 21244322


Bravo,encore. Considered discussion of serious subjects is meritorious.

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