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Stark needs advice...

 
Stark
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User ID: 21275050
United States
08/29/2012 01:39 PM
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Stark needs advice...
I don't particularly think anyone really wants to hear any of this, I'm really using it to vent. But if you'd like to give your two cents, by all means, go ahead.


3 or 4 years ago, I met the mother of my child. We had a long distance relationship because I was still in the Navy, transitioning out. We knew each other a little in High School, her brother was in my "circle." Anyway, we met while I was using up my last vacation days before discharge, at her college nestled in the romantic mountains of NC. We really hit it off. Eventually, we ended up conceiving a child on Valentine's days, oddly enough, and decided to get married a few months later. Things were kinda rocky, between adjusting to being a father, a husband, compounded by the fact I was also trying to transition into civilian lifestyle after my discharge. We argued alot, and I, from the bottom of my heart, thought it was best if we took some time apart. I did not want us to divorce, just kinda clear our heads a bit and not argue so much around our child. She moved in with her brother and sister in law, and I kinda floated around, like I always have. (I lived in a sailboat, a honda, a VW camper-van, etc, it was my lifestyle choice before our relationship, during, up until we had a child together.)

I started to stay there on the weekends, and a bit during the week. We were communicating better, the sex was better, everything was better. She was still a lil hurt, and arguments would arise, but I thought it was just part of the process and things would get better, like they have been.

July 4th, she took a beach trip over the weekend, supposedly with just her cousin and his fiance. She came back infuriated with me, every step forward we had taken was erased, I was no longer allowed to stay at her house, and she wanted nothing to do with me. She literally just acting like an entirely different person, cocky, horrible rude attitude (not just torwards me, but others as well), in fact, if she hadn't looked the same, I would actually believe she was a different person.

Things before, and much more so after started to be weird for me. I noticed she wasn't really staying at her house, you can tell when someone isn't staying at a place, it ages a particular way. Her neighbors even told me she wasn't around much, and I brushed it off as she was staying at her mom's, or cousin's, just hanging out doing her thing, trying to make sense of her life.

Well, I found out she slept with some nasty redneck dude who is very close with said cousin, he's a drunk, ugly, but hey, he's got a decent job and is nice! (so she says) I know a bit about him because he fixed her car, and she was telling me how he's kinda a dumb redneck, and would do anything for beer much before I found out. He's a maintenance supervisor at a reality company. Completely opposite of both of us.

A lil more back story...I was a pothead. We smoked together all the time, and we were saving up to move to CO and get a license and pursue a career in the medical field. I had, at one time, alot of horticultural equipment, exotic seeds from abroad, alllll kindsa stuff. Well, one day, i decided it was inhibiting me at the moment, and not a good decision having a child, and the legality of the situation. I had long hair, a beard, the whole thing. I cut my hair like when we met, the way she liked it, donated it to charity, shaved, gave away all my equipment, came to see her, flushed all the seeds and paraphernalia in front of her, got down on my knees, and told her i was blind, and I'm ready to sacrifice more to speed up our "healing" process. I got a legitimate job, I'mm enrolled full time in school, I've really cleaned up.

She said it was too late, feels disconnected to me, etc. I called her out for dating someone else, and she says that's even worse because I'm only trying because I found out about her relationship. I ask her what the last few months have been and she doesn't have any logical explaination.

So for the last two months, she's agreed to hang out a bit more, and work on things. I took her shopping, make her dinners, breakfasts every so often, we go out and have a great time. But now, she's still telling me she needs space, even though I tell her space got us here, how is it going to help? Her only argument is she's trying to find herself, and I tell her to do that with her husband. I mean, she tells me this dude doesn't make her happy, he's dumb, and all that, but she wont ever be happy with me because of what we went through. I try to explain to her that it takes time, and she's being impatient, but she doesn't see it. She says she's sorry for feeling disconnected, but there's nothing she can do about it. WTF?

After I took her out one day, spent a month's pay on her buying her nice clothes, then having an AWESOME dinner/movie night with her, cuddling up, etc, she ask to take our son to the beach with her family in celebration of her cousin's wedding, she packed up all the expensive clothes I bought, and went to our honeymoon spot, on our two year aniversary, with that dude, and our son, driving there drunk the whole way after the wedding. ouuuuuuch!

We've gone out after, and had great times. Though she won't ever converse with me about our issue, instead shutting me out unless we just are having idle talk.

I've also found out my son calls this guy dada, and they are apparently really close.


So i guess, what is with this space? Why does she want it? Is it to go through some phase in her life and come back when she's ready? or is it to end things without having the courage to tell me she's done.

Should I even take such a person back? I mean wtf is wrong with her?

Part of me just says I did this, in part, to myself, that I put her in such a position of pain and anger, she's merely reacting, and will come around, and part of me says she's trash fuck her. I'm quite torn. She's such a good person inside, i thought, but she's being so overran with emotions I question her integrity.

Should I just cut her off, and maybe that will help shake her out of it, realizing she can't have her cake and eat it too?

We aren't even legally separated as far as the courts are concerned. noone's filed anything. No separation agreement, nothing. I'm so thrown off. Everything we do together just gets wiped away by this new guy, that she says is just "easier" to pursue than actually work on the relationship with the father of her son. Ugh I'm so frustrated. I said no in the face of temptation because i still felt there was hope, and commitment. I guess not.


What would the best thing to do be? I feel like if we work on this, it could make us stronger, that me giving up would just be doing what she's doing, taking the easy route. The only thing that let's me sleep at night is knowing everyday I give my all. One day, these decisions will catch up to her, and she will grow from them. But then I see people whose lives are ruled by misfortunes, and they never rise above, only using them as an excuse for their misery.

Life's a trip.

Thanks guys.

rant
Stark (OP)

User ID: 21275050
United States
08/29/2012 01:40 PM
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Re: Stark needs advice...
BTW, I have to go to work soon, but i will be returning in a few hours, so don't think i abandoned this thread.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 22042946
United States
08/29/2012 01:51 PM
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Re: Stark needs advice...
BTW, I have to go to work soon, but i will be returning in a few hours, so don't think i abandoned this thread.
 Quoting: Stark


Sorry to hear your troubles OP. I think your marriage is over. Try to focus that love on your kid and be a great dad! It's a fuller kind of love anyhow.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21662845
Australia
08/29/2012 01:54 PM
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Re: Stark needs advice...
Just let it go man she is not for you find someone else ffs there is plenty of better girls around
Stark (OP)

User ID: 21275050
United States
08/29/2012 01:54 PM
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Re: Stark needs advice...
BTW, I have to go to work soon, but i will be returning in a few hours, so don't think i abandoned this thread.
 Quoting: Stark


Sorry to hear your troubles OP. I think your marriage is over. Try to focus that love on your kid and be a great dad! It's a fuller kind of love anyhow.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 22042946


Not what I wanted to hear, but I guess what I needed to hear. Thanks.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 6199901
United Kingdom
08/29/2012 02:01 PM
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Re: Stark needs advice...
Well.. nice stories, thanks for sharing. Advice?, I'd say stick with it and help anyway you can.

You'll be proud..

.. in spirit.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21662845
Australia
08/29/2012 02:04 PM
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Re: Stark needs advice...
I did not want us to divorce, just kinda clear our heads a bit and not argue so much around our child. She moved in with her brother and sister in law, and I kinda floated around, like I always have. (I lived in a sailboat, a honda, a VW camper-van, etc, it was my lifestyle choice before our relationship, during, up until we had a child together.)


 Quoting: Stark


You lost her way back then
Stark (OP)

User ID: 21275050
United States
08/29/2012 02:09 PM
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Re: Stark needs advice...
I did not want us to divorce, just kinda clear our heads a bit and not argue so much around our child. She moved in with her brother and sister in law, and I kinda floated around, like I always have. (I lived in a sailboat, a honda, a VW camper-van, etc, it was my lifestyle choice before our relationship, during, up until we had a child together.)


 Quoting: Stark


You lost her way back then
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 21662845


How when then she was telling everyone and me that we were working on things and had a positive outlook on it? We were making such good progress!

But I must say, I drew the same conclusion.

then again, people drift in and out of eachothers lives all the time and things work out or dont, its in their hands.
Stark (OP)

User ID: 36060175
United States
10/15/2013 11:23 PM
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Re: Stark needs advice...
Find someone new OP

You deserve better
 Quoting: Open Your Eyes


hf

I did, found myself (a lil more) and devoted more energy towards my son. Thanks :)
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 48430046
United States
10/15/2013 11:24 PM
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Re: Stark needs advice...
Move on. Sheesh.
Stark (OP)

User ID: 36060175
United States
10/15/2013 11:26 PM
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Re: Stark needs advice...
Move on. Sheesh.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 48430046


Look at the date of the OP. This originated over a year ago.
Kelley_girl

User ID: 5958818
United States
10/15/2013 11:31 PM
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Re: Stark needs advice...
Move on Op doesn't sound like she wants to fix anything. Sorry!
~~Karma might be a slow train
But she tears some shit up
When she comes through!~~
ChipModerator
Forum Moderator

User ID: 42942777
United States
10/15/2013 11:32 PM

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Re: Stark needs advice...
If I thought for a moment my wife didn't want me around...I'd be done.

Life is way to short. Then again...I don't chase pussy...never have. I accept the fact that women have their own minds...I can't control them. I gave that shit up in my early 20's. Women are gonna do what they want to do...period.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. ~Arthur C. Clarke

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain

He's a nut-bag! Just because the fucker's got a library card doesn't make him Yoda ~David Mills ~ Se7en!

every-citizen
Stark (OP)

User ID: 36060175
United States
10/15/2013 11:34 PM
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Re: Stark needs advice...
Ok well, this was over a year ago.

I normally don't chase girls, you like me or you don't .

It is the fact we have a child together that changed things for me at the time. I learned, I moved on. I deserve better than her at her best anyway, as who she really is became more and more and more transparent.


Thanks everyone!

hf
Chrit

User ID: 27088294
United States
10/15/2013 11:41 PM

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Re: Stark needs advice...
First AC was correct



Be a good father.


You are the most powerful person you control.

It's not how we live, but how we affect the people around us that matters the most.

In 20+ years when you have a stand up kid on the right course you'll understand and look back and know you did the right thing.
I'm only human, it's my biggest flaw.

We must all realize a sink a chair and a pillow are all luxuries of home and a soldiers helmet takes the place of all three.

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