For what its worth I NEVER liked this world

I hate it now, especially now that im apart of it. When I was a child it was more of a misunderstanding. I didn't get my friends, tv shows, music videos, music, school system, girls(females). I didnt understand how/why the world was the way it was. If everyone was like me, this would not be the world, I told myself.

As I grew into a teenager, I did what all teenagers do, I pretended to be an adult. Well my perception of what an adult was anyway. I told myself the reason I didnt get it was because I was still a kid. So I forced immoral things on myself for the sake of understanding/fitting in. I sometimes thought I was retarded and I just needed to get it. I assumed having sex would change everything. So I lost my virginity when I was 16 to a woman much older 27 i think. She openly admitted she was a sexual predator - actual line "You think men are the only sexual predators?" - Right before she put my 16 year old penis in her mouth. I still didnt get it...

In fact exploring the realm of sex and what women enjoyed, made me more confused. But I wouldnt dare act like it... I was trying to get it remember? I always thought women liked tenderness... graceful moves, passionate kissing. But I learned they liked having their hair pulled, being choked, fucked real hard, spanked, called a slut... I thought that was what adults wanted and did. So I went on pretending to be an adult. Drinking, partying, sex(their way). A few times I tried to ask friends if they thought there was more than this... or did things not make sense to them... they would just look at me blankly.

Now im 26 and those friends are souless scumbags and I am a hollow shell compared to what i used to be. I now realize, finally, that I was the only one that truly got it... The rest were delusionally ignorant, manipulated, slaves. But now I am corrupted. The anger and regret I feel towards myself feels unbearable and im caught in this never ending loop of self-destruction.

I have recently cut out all friends. I have stopped talking about anything personal. Stopped my immature joke making. Stopped all the non-sense. I really want to be the man I knew I could have been when I was younger.

I just wanted to announce in a public setting, for what its worth, I did not know. Because I did not trust in that which only resided inside me. I trusted the external world over the inner. For what its worth. I WAS NEVER HAPPY! I NEVER ENJOYED THIS! I WAS DRUNK EVERY WHORE I SLEPT WITH! I REGRETED EVERYONE! I REGRET ALL THE YEARS LOST TO POT SMOKING! I NEVER EVER FELT FULFILLED!!!! THIS WAS NOT MY CHOICE!!! I WAS MANIPULATED BY THE MANIPULATED WORLD AROUND ME!!

I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS!!!