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LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!

 
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 05:52 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
Sex On Mars
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 05:53 PM
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“here’s all you have to know about men & women,"

Women are crazy, Men are stupid

And the main reason women are crazy,

Is that men are stupid”……………by George Carlin.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 05:56 PM
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...and now for something a little different.

A MUST WATCH. IT IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY......THE SONG PLAYED THROUGHOUT IS AN OLD GREEK SONG.

THE DOG SHOULD GET AN ACADEMY AWARD

The captioned language is Croatian a southern Slavic language very similar to Slovak. Croatia was once a part of Yugoslavia.

Notice: Made in FL Keys, Oceanography Institute. You will probably recognize the two main human characters. They’ve been in lots of movies.


[link to www.youtube.com]
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 05:58 PM
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Canadian Politics.....one of my favourites.

The Canadian Medical Association has weighed in on Harpers new budget. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Ottawa .
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 05:59 PM
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And then there is Einstein, the talking Parrot.

Einstein The Talking Parrot is an African Gray Parrot who is the Superstar at the Knoxville Zoo’s Bird Show. What I find amazing about this is that she’s not just repeating words but actually responding in a conversational manner when given prompts. I’d say Einstein is an appropriate name for this very intelligent parro

[link to biggeekdad.com]
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:01 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of
them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the
crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her
personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning
in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded
to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me
the crabs, in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.... so she took them home and ate
them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.


Be careful what you ask for.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:03 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London.

He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music. In the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered,

"In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so f**k off and wait for a camel!!"
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:04 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
The $10,000 Phone Call


A photographer on vacation in Orlando was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw inOrlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'


KEEP SMILING
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:06 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson .

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:

Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:08 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
Sask. Drunk, you just gotta love it!!!!

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Estevan ,Saskatchewan ..

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.

This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Saskie,

"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Have you every wanted to do this?rockon
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:12 PM
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SOMETHING TO PUT IN YOUR WILL?
Cancel your credit card before you die.

Can you believe this?

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless, and, so easy to see happening - customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank : 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank : 'That might help....'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

(Priceless!!)
And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the Feds.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:14 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
How is Norma

You are going to luv this one……….

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one ever tells me shit."

TRUE STORY!
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:16 PM
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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."tounge
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:16 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
4 Worms In Church
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol ...Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke ...Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup ...Dead .
Fourth worm in good clean soil... Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!
Today is International Disturbed People's Day.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:18 PM
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11 people on a rope!

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, Because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . . .
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:20 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being high school
classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without
fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made
a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, the widower throwing
admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at
him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes ,..
yes - I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next
morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.. He went
over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not
recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone
and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then
he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked
if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't
remember who asked me!”
Anonymous Coward
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09/01/2012 06:26 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.

'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Englishman.

'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Scotsman.

How about you?' the Englishman was asked.

'Oh me?' said the Irishman, 'I always use a spoon.'
omar

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09/01/2012 06:27 PM
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Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
:spyda:
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:27 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
1 star & 46 posts including one reply . I don't hear any laughter.....am I wasting my time???? Just trying to bring some hilarity to our lives. hmm
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:31 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.

'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Englishman.

'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Scotsman.

How about you?' the Englishman was asked.

'Oh me?' said the Irishman, 'I always use a spoon.'
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 6199901


I like, I like. those 3 characters always come up good in jokes. Tks.
Anonymous Coward
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09/01/2012 06:32 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
Senior in a Convertible

[link to www.youtube-nocookie.com]
 Quoting: ohhappydays


Oh Boy! - THAT was FUNNY!!!

Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:33 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
 Quoting: omar


Crafty bluey....good one also. Tks Omar.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 06:33 PM
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Senior in a Convertible

[link to www.youtube-nocookie.com]
 Quoting: ohhappydays


Oh Boy! - THAT was FUNNY!!!


 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 9757217


I enjoyed it too. I swear the old folk jokes are really funny.
Anonymous Coward
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09/01/2012 06:37 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
I had heard so many jokes and I laughed close to death with milk running outta my nose in the deaf boarding school that time that non come near as funny as that.

Hehe deaf people do rulez, you just had to be there at the right time and place.
KonaCoffee

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09/01/2012 06:40 PM

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Some of these are really funny!

Here's one that's near and dear to my heart....
Kinda long, but worth the wait, I think.

Paddy

Paddy had been drinking all day and most of the night at his local Dublin pub. Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies " Ok Mick, Oil be on my way den." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" he cries. He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air, he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, Feels better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face.

"Bejaysus, I'm wrecked" he says. He can see his house just a few doors downa and crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door then collapses inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No effinchance.". But, he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door. Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step Into the bedroom and falls flat on his face.

I gotta stop drinkin" he says as he drags himself across the floor and into bed.

The next morning his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee. "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit much to drink last night?

Paddy says"I did Jess, I did. I was pissed. How'd you know?

"Mick, the bartender phoned. Yuh left ya wheelchair at the pub."
“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness"__
Mark Twain, 19th century American Author (and genius as far as I'm concerned.)

My nickname is Eileen Toodaleft.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 08:07 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
Some of these are really funny!

Here's one that's near and dear to my heart....
Kinda long, but worth the wait, I think.

Paddy

Paddy had been drinking all day and most of the night at his local Dublin pub. Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies " Ok Mick, Oil be on my way den." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" he cries. He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air, he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, Feels better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face.

"Bejaysus, I'm wrecked" he says. He can see his house just a few doors downa and crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door then collapses inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No effinchance.". But, he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door. Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step Into the bedroom and falls flat on his face.

I gotta stop drinkin" he says as he drags himself across the floor and into bed.

The next morning his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee. "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit much to drink last night?

Paddy says"I did Jess, I did. I was pissed. How'd you know?

"Mick, the bartender phoned. Yuh left ya wheelchair at the pub."
 Quoting: KonaCoffee


Tks Kona.....yep, can count on paddy for a laughbeer2
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/01/2012 08:11 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
DON'T WASH YOUR HAIR IN THE SHOWER!

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!
INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT - A WARNING TO US ALL!

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo, and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads: "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 7554855
Canada
09/01/2012 08:16 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
Stress:

Stress:
A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience, with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question: 'half empty or half full?'..... She fooled them all... "How heavy is this glass of water?", she inquired with a smile.
The answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.
So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night.... pick them up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you're carrying now, put them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short, enjoy it and the now 'supposed' stress that you've conquered!"

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that makes you feel good..
4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it..
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance..
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late..
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone thought about you today.
20 * It was me, your friend!
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 7554855
Canada
09/01/2012 08:18 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
CAR Keys

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these.

"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.

"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep it's the golden years.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 7554855
Canada
09/01/2012 08:23 PM
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Re: LAUGHTER.....THE BEST MEDICINE ...& ITS FREE!
BOOGIE WOOGIE' - Enjoy! Something nice to start your day!
Watch those feet. Amazing.


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