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I hurt my Dad - some advice needed

 
jpmorgan
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09/09/2012 09:20 AM
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I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
Last night at a family get-together i said some terrible things to my Dad. It’s always the same shit with him… ‘join a winning team…give it up son - why waste a perfectly good education…blah blah, and then the cherry on the cake..what you’re doing is beneath you…look at your sister.’ I fucking offloaded on him then and called him a fucking social failure hanging on the tit of his boss, a reject from the past and an embarrassment to a world that had left him behind…Our family hardly ever has arguments.

He didn’t say anything after that…just got up and left the table …my Mom was/is really upset. Later he phoned me to apologize, the worst thing as he never does this…my old man is strong. This really got to me, so I sat in a dark corner with a bottle of scotch and did something I haven’t done since I was a child when i broke my arm…cried like a little baby.

I, unlike my sister, have never asked them for anything…I paid for my own education and got my little business up and running without any help from them, yet i’m the bad person now…my Mom and my Girlfriend won’t talk to me and my Sister is shitting on my head…Then people want boundaries and what’s acceptable behavior… For Who??

I suppose I’m looking for advice on how to make it right with him…I feel fucking terrible right now and don’t know how to face him or the rest of my family.
Venetian

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Ireland
09/09/2012 09:23 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
Just give it time and it'll pass.
For what it's worth I'm happy.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/09/2012 09:24 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
Face to face discussion and a heartfelt apology.
wildhoney

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Spain
09/09/2012 09:25 AM

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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
tell him how much you love him and embrace him..thats all its takes I think
hf

he seems to love you very much indeed :) that is so special hf
Matthew 16>18
And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it..
Peter was crucified..on Vatican Hill

"Thou shalt not kill" does not apply to murder of one's own kind only, but to all living beings; and this Commandment was inscribed in the human breast long before it was proclaimed from Sinai. ~Leo Tolstoy


You have heard that it was said, "You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy."
But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.
For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?

..Immanuel ,The Christ (Sermon Of The Mount)


“WHAT YOU DO TO OTHERS YOU DO TO YOURSELF FOR THAT IS THE LAW..AND THE PROFIT"

..)

Preach the Gospel at all times..and when necessary use words..

St.Francis Of Assisi..

Dont look at where the finger is pointing..but at WHO is doing the pointing


wildhoney14@yahoo.com

[link to www.google.ca]

Be part of the re evolution of the Spirit..say yes to peace and love..be called child of God

Inherit the Kingdom

...Time of the Angels..


oh and PLEASE STOP SENDING ME SPAM FROM AFRICA..thank you :)
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/09/2012 09:25 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
Just say you're sorry, and mean it.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/09/2012 09:26 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
Look at the whole picture - are you right or wrong - if you are right ... end of story.

I went through decades of BS with my family - event went out of my way of late to straighten things out. Did it work? No. Bottom line - fuck 'em all.
eh steve

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United States
09/09/2012 09:26 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
Just go see him with nothing other than reconciling with him in your heart... the right words will come. You will both then most likely have a more pleasant conversation talking nicely about things that have gone unsaid but may need to be.
I'd not let it fester. This will probably bring you both closer and be a good thing.
Anonymous Coward
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United Kingdom
09/09/2012 09:27 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
Don't be such a pussy!

FINISH HIM!

fighter1
Anonymous Coward
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Australia
09/09/2012 09:29 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
You need a new Girlfriend she is a bitch for not supporting you maybe your Dad wanted to teach you this?
Anonymous Coward
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09/09/2012 09:29 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
I'm so sorry you are hurting Op. I hope you get the chance to talk with your Dad, and to let him know that you were just pissed, and that you do love and respect him. (if that's how you feel, of course.) As far as your Mom and GF... they will get over it in time. Don't let them bother you. This does not involve them. Hugs!!!
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/09/2012 09:29 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
That is so sad. Your Mom, GF & sister need to stay out of it. If you fish, ask your Dad to go fishing. Life is so much more simple when you are fishing and away from outside influences.
jpmorgan (OP)

User ID: 23452886
South Africa
09/09/2012 09:37 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
Just give it time and it'll pass.
 Quoting: Venetian


Thanks... it will I hope. I have stepped over a mark with him and I'm trying to reel it in. What a complete stuff up.
grasptheuniverse

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Australia
09/09/2012 09:38 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
Last night at a family get-together i said some terrible things to my Dad. It’s always the same shit with him… ‘join a winning team…give it up son - why waste a perfectly good education…blah blah, and then the cherry on the cake..what you’re doing is beneath you…look at your sister.’ I fucking offloaded on him then and called him a fucking social failure hanging on the tit of his boss, a reject from the past and an embarrassment to a world that had left him behind…Our family hardly ever has arguments.

He didn’t say anything after that…just got up and left the table …my Mom was/is really upset. Later he phoned me to apologize, the worst thing as he never does this…my old man is strong. This really got to me, so I sat in a dark corner with a bottle of scotch and did something I haven’t done since I was a child when i broke my arm…cried like a little baby.

I, unlike my sister, have never asked them for anything…I paid for my own education and got my little business up and running without any help from them, yet i’m the bad person now…my Mom and my Girlfriend won’t talk to me and my Sister is shitting on my head…Then people want boundaries and what’s acceptable behavior… For Who??

I suppose I’m looking for advice on how to make it right with him…I feel fucking terrible right now and don’t know how to face him or the rest of my family.
 Quoting: jpmorgan


You must go and apologise also to your dad, he obviously felt bad for coming down on you so hard and felt he was in the wrong and thats why he apologised first. I think its terrific you have your own business and in these times that something to be proud of. Talk to him without any walls up. Families have times when harsh words are said, but its family and when its all said and done, thats whats important. Talk to him. He loves you.
caz
jpmorgan (OP)

User ID: 23452886
South Africa
09/09/2012 09:40 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
Face to face discussion and a heartfelt apology.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 20692040


Will Do
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/09/2012 09:42 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
MAYBE WHAT YOU SAID NEEDED TO BE SAID.

MOST FAMILIES ARE FUCKED UP IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. gENERALLY, THERE IS GREAT PRESSURE APPLIED TO CONFORM TO WHATEVER ILLUSION IS BEING PROMOTED. YOU HAVE PROBABLY BEEN EATING THIS GUYS SHIT FOR YEARS, AND ARE NOW (SLOWLY) BECOMING A MAN...A MAN WHO HAS HIS OWN OPINIONS AND STANDARDS.

I WOULD TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO FUCK OFF FOR STARTERS. RIGHT OR WRONG, SHE HAS NO STANDING TO TAKE A STAND ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. THE EXPECTATION HERE IS THAT SHE WOULD BE ON YOUR SIDE RIGHT OR WRONG. FUCK THAT BITCH.

I WOULD SAY TO WRITE THIS ONE OFF TO YEARS OF PENT UP ANGER. TAKE STOCK OF YOUR SITUATION AND MAKE DECISIONS THAT SUIT YOU GOING FORWARD. REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU ARE FEELING IS THE WORST CASE...IT AINT GOING TO GET ANY WORSE AND WILL ONLY GET BETTER. WHEN YOU ARE STANDING ON YOUR LEGS LIKE A MAN, THE FEMALE HISSY-FITS WONT BE NECESSARY. YOU WILL SPEAK WITH QUIET CONFIDENCE AND OTHERS WILL RESPECT WHAT YOU SAY.

THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING YOU CAN DO NOW IS APOLOGIZE. YOU SAID IT AND IT STICKS. THEY WILL RESPECT YOU MORE FOR TAKING A STAND...CRAWL BACK NOW AND YOU ARE WHIPPED FOR LIFE.

A STRONG MAN NEEDS A STRONG WOMAN FOR SUPPORT. GO FIND ONE.

IN THE MEANTIME, DONT DEPEND ON YOUR FAMILY FOR ANY SUPPORT...THEY ARENT GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU AND YOU DONT NEED IT ANYWAY.

AND FOR GODS SAKE MAN...QUIT WHIMPERING. DONT ACT LIKE A FAGGOT.
jpmorgan (OP)

User ID: 23452886
South Africa
09/09/2012 09:43 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
Don't be such a pussy!

FINISH HIM!

fighter1
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 23454311


Hehe...He WAS a boxer and started off in the dockyard..Plan B Please.
jpmorgan (OP)

User ID: 23452886
South Africa
09/09/2012 09:46 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
MAYBE WHAT YOU SAID NEEDED TO BE SAID.

MOST FAMILIES ARE FUCKED UP IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. gENERALLY, THERE IS GREAT PRESSURE APPLIED TO CONFORM TO WHATEVER ILLUSION IS BEING PROMOTED. YOU HAVE PROBABLY BEEN EATING THIS GUYS SHIT FOR YEARS, AND ARE NOW (SLOWLY) BECOMING A MAN...A MAN WHO HAS HIS OWN OPINIONS AND STANDARDS.

I WOULD TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO FUCK OFF FOR STARTERS. RIGHT OR WRONG, SHE HAS NO STANDING TO TAKE A STAND ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. THE EXPECTATION HERE IS THAT SHE WOULD BE ON YOUR SIDE RIGHT OR WRONG. FUCK THAT BITCH.

I WOULD SAY TO WRITE THIS ONE OFF TO YEARS OF PENT UP ANGER. TAKE STOCK OF YOUR SITUATION AND MAKE DECISIONS THAT SUIT YOU GOING FORWARD. REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU ARE FEELING IS THE WORST CASE...IT AINT GOING TO GET ANY WORSE AND WILL ONLY GET BETTER. WHEN YOU ARE STANDING ON YOUR LEGS LIKE A MAN, THE FEMALE HISSY-FITS WONT BE NECESSARY. YOU WILL SPEAK WITH QUIET CONFIDENCE AND OTHERS WILL RESPECT WHAT YOU SAY.

THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING YOU CAN DO NOW IS APOLOGIZE. YOU SAID IT AND IT STICKS. THEY WILL RESPECT YOU MORE FOR TAKING A STAND...CRAWL BACK NOW AND YOU ARE WHIPPED FOR LIFE.

A STRONG MAN NEEDS A STRONG WOMAN FOR SUPPORT. GO FIND ONE.

IN THE MEANTIME, DONT DEPEND ON YOUR FAMILY FOR ANY SUPPORT...THEY ARENT GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU AND YOU DONT NEED IT ANYWAY.

AND FOR GODS SAKE MAN...QUIT WHIMPERING. DONT ACT LIKE A FAGGOT.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 23393002


Dad! Is that You!! I'm Sorry! (sniff)
Anonymous Coward
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09/09/2012 09:47 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
TOO WORDY

MAKE A COMEDY INSTEAD
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/09/2012 09:47 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
GUILT IS THE CANCER OF THE FAMILY STRUCTURE. YOUR DAD IS A FUCKING PUSSY TO ACT LIKE THAT.

IF WHAT YOU SAID WAS WRONG AND OFFENSIVE TO HIM, HE SHOULD HAVE DECKED YOU. INSTEAD HE MOPED AWAY AND ACTED LIKE A FUCKING DEJECTED LITTLE GIRL.

IF YOURE RIGHT, YOURE RIGHT. sTICK TO YOUR GUNS.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MEN ANYWAY.

I HAD A DISAGREEMENT WITH ONE OF MY SONS, BAD WORDS ENSUED AND BEFORE I KNEW IT HE WAS ON TOP OF ME AND GOING AT IT WITH BOTH BARRELS. I HAVE 40 POUNDS ON HIM BUT THAT DIDNT MATTER TO HIM AT ALL. WHEN THE DUST SETTLED WE WERE BOTH PRETTY SPENT AND IM PROUD TO SAY HE GOT THE BETTER OF ME. BY THE END OF THE DAY WE WERE LAUGHING ABOUT IT OVER A BEER.
RayGun

User ID: 2404633
United States
09/09/2012 09:48 AM

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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
I just avoid my Dad. He is in a constant state of disappointment with me.

I didn't lead a perfect life but am very happy where I'm at.

To bad for him for not being involved with me or my family.

For you OP, don't let it fester. Go over and watch a football game and

tell him what a great Dad he is. Most of all tell him you are sorry.


Good luck!
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/09/2012 09:50 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
MAYBE WHAT YOU SAID NEEDED TO BE SAID.

MOST FAMILIES ARE FUCKED UP IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. gENERALLY, THERE IS GREAT PRESSURE APPLIED TO CONFORM TO WHATEVER ILLUSION IS BEING PROMOTED. YOU HAVE PROBABLY BEEN EATING THIS GUYS SHIT FOR YEARS, AND ARE NOW (SLOWLY) BECOMING A MAN...A MAN WHO HAS HIS OWN OPINIONS AND STANDARDS.

I WOULD TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO FUCK OFF FOR STARTERS. RIGHT OR WRONG, SHE HAS NO STANDING TO TAKE A STAND ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. THE EXPECTATION HERE IS THAT SHE WOULD BE ON YOUR SIDE RIGHT OR WRONG. FUCK THAT BITCH.

I WOULD SAY TO WRITE THIS ONE OFF TO YEARS OF PENT UP ANGER. TAKE STOCK OF YOUR SITUATION AND MAKE DECISIONS THAT SUIT YOU GOING FORWARD. REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU ARE FEELING IS THE WORST CASE...IT AINT GOING TO GET ANY WORSE AND WILL ONLY GET BETTER. WHEN YOU ARE STANDING ON YOUR LEGS LIKE A MAN, THE FEMALE HISSY-FITS WONT BE NECESSARY. YOU WILL SPEAK WITH QUIET CONFIDENCE AND OTHERS WILL RESPECT WHAT YOU SAY.

THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING YOU CAN DO NOW IS APOLOGIZE. YOU SAID IT AND IT STICKS. THEY WILL RESPECT YOU MORE FOR TAKING A STAND...CRAWL BACK NOW AND YOU ARE WHIPPED FOR LIFE.

A STRONG MAN NEEDS A STRONG WOMAN FOR SUPPORT. GO FIND ONE.

IN THE MEANTIME, DONT DEPEND ON YOUR FAMILY FOR ANY SUPPORT...THEY ARENT GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU AND YOU DONT NEED IT ANYWAY.

AND FOR GODS SAKE MAN...QUIT WHIMPERING. DONT ACT LIKE A FAGGOT.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 23393002


Dad! Is that You!! I'm Sorry! (sniff)
 Quoting: jpmorgan


IF IT WAS YOUR DAD, YOU WOULDNT BE ON SOME TWO BIT BLOG WHINING LIKE A BITCH...

OR ARE YOU TROLLING FOR CHICKS...LOL
Anonymous Coward
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09/09/2012 09:51 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
Last night at a family get-together i said some terrible things to my Dad. It’s always the same shit with him… ‘join a winning team…give it up son - why waste a perfectly good education…blah blah, and then the cherry on the cake..what you’re doing is beneath you…look at your sister.’ I fucking offloaded on him then and called him a fucking social failure hanging on the tit of his boss, a reject from the past and an embarrassment to a world that had left him behind…Our family hardly ever has arguments.

He didn’t say anything after that…just got up and left the table …my Mom was/is really upset. Later he phoned me to apologize, the worst thing as he never does this…my old man is strong. This really got to me, so I sat in a dark corner with a bottle of scotch and did something I haven’t done since I was a child when i broke my arm…cried like a little baby.

I, unlike my sister, have never asked them for anything…I paid for my own education and got my little business up and running without any help from them, yet i’m the bad person now…my Mom and my Girlfriend won’t talk to me and my Sister is shitting on my head…Then people want boundaries and what’s acceptable behavior… For Who??

I suppose I’m looking for advice on how to make it right with him…I feel fucking terrible right now and don’t know how to face him or the rest of my family.
 Quoting: jpmorgan


It's life dude, the best part is you have the chance to reconcile...and when you do the two of you will be closer.

Sounds like you both released A LOT of unneeded baggage.

Things will get better now, as this is typically what happens in such a situation.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/09/2012 09:52 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
You have every right to have the feelings that you do for anything from the past, etc, etc. Annoyed with how your father tried to tell you how to live your life basically, what to him is "sucess" in the world, etc.
We've been programmed that there's a certain way that makes you "successful" in life. To him, he feels that if you take this route, you are safer and happier and this is how he projects his fears for you, and also how it would make him feel that your future is set if you live this way.
He's just worried about you and thinks if you work bla bla, go with a stable company, bla bla, then he won't need to worry about you.

This goes far into a parent's co-dependence on their children and chances are they're not going to change unless they go through a psychic awakening or change within themselves.

This is a sad thing for us grown children to accept, that our family/parents/etc, are just not at the place we would want them to be and as open minded or like minded with us that we would want them to be, or even for them to be wiser that we'd prefer.

This brings a grieving process in us I think. We grieve that we are just no on the same page, and sometimes they are so distant from us even as they are right in front of us.

It is a difference in beliefs or thoughts anyway. It doesn't change the essence that we are all human being imperfect flawed and quite complex.

The fact is that you overstepped a boundary by insulting him and this is what happens when anger is misused or misdirected.
Deep down, you were probably angry at the fact that your father doesn't see nor can be open to who you are today and the way you live your life today. Like just lay off my back and accept and love me dad, you know?

So, you can only take care of your side of the street by making amends for how you behaved that was less than the way you want to treat others.

I don't think you taking a scotch afterwards was very good either since you're treating your feelings with a drug, but that is your business. I just know it never works, just makes it worse.

In any case, grieving the real loss is the key so then later you can accept that your dad, and your family for that matter are who they are and they might never be the supportive all accepting open minded healthy family that we wished we would've had and then we can love them with all their imperfections and ignorant and silly ideas and comments because we know who we are and we accept them as they are.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/09/2012 09:53 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
I just avoid my Dad. He is in a constant state of disappointment with me.

I didn't lead a perfect life but am very happy where I'm at.

To bad for him for not being involved with me or my family.

For you OP, don't let it fester. Go over and watch a football game and

tell him what a great Dad he is. Most of all tell him you are sorry.


Good luck!
 Quoting: RayGun


WTF DICK. YOU HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER BUT YOURE GIVING THIS MOPE ADVICE?

GO FIX YOURE OWN SHITTY RELATIONSHIP FIRST
Anonymous Coward
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09/09/2012 09:53 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
show him this post, then explain to him how much you really look up to him but that it hurts you when he puts you down.

then show him this: Ephesians 6:4 And yee fathers, prouoke not your children to wrath: but bring them vp in the nourture and admonition of the Lord.

I think you handled it well other than running to the medicine/alcohol/poison. "there is a reason why they used to call it spirits !".
Anger is an emotion that is a safety mechanism for "YOU", however usually someone else has to pay a price for your safety.
jist like what is happening here in America, people giving up safety/loss of freedom.
next time you get angry, try keeping your pie hole shut, go for a walk, and let the anger go/subside before you lash out. you see its about learning to sift through the emotions, you have to get past the anger and i.d. what it really is that is bothering you, i.d. the real emotion i.e., hurt, feeling less than, inadequate.

And don't forget to tell your Dad how much you really respect/love him. don't let years go by, you can break through and have a great relationship with him once he understands you are a man now and looks at you as such instead of trying to fix you.
Let Freedom Ring

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09/09/2012 09:53 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
I did the same thing to my Dad, he was being critical and irrational - turns out he had Alzheimer's.

Mom died one year after our horrible blow up, she was caught in the middle. I brought Dad to live with me, and tried to make it up to him.

Just tell him you love him, and realize that his toughness has made you the good man you are today.
jpmorgan (OP)

User ID: 23452886
South Africa
09/09/2012 09:54 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
tell him how much you love him and embrace him..thats all its takes I think
hf

he seems to love you very much indeed :) that is so special hf
 Quoting: wildhoney


I don't think I've ever hugged him. No thanks Dad for anything. I want to be better than him for some reason...He knows I love him...it's just a weird thing to say to him. I can say it to my Mom...
Thanks for the advice
Anonymous Coward
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09/09/2012 09:56 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
you can express your need for boundaries and respect without getting angry. you got angry because you haven't set your boundaries before. your dad thought it was still ok to tell you what to do.

what I would do if I were you, is go and talk to your dad 1:1. say you are sorry that it came out the way it did. but that it had been building for a while. say that you feel disrespected when he tells you what to do, without taking into account the person that you actually are. you have had a lot if respect on your own terms and you dont want to be like your sister, your dad, or anyone else. you are your own person,and you want to be appreciated for that.


finish with gratitude. thank your dad for his love and leadership so far. express appreciation and hope that you both can see each other with new eyes going forward.

as far as your mom, sister and girlfriend, say the same thing. it came out the wrong way, but it had been building for a while. you hope that they can support you in setting your boundaries, so that you all will have healthier communication in the future.
Anonymous Coward
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United Kingdom
09/09/2012 09:59 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
Take him for a beer and a man to man. You guys need to be homest wiv eachother. Does he know whats goig on in the world, is he worldly? If not then this may be a good starting point.
Anonymous Coward
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United Kingdom
09/09/2012 10:00 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
He's apologized to you, maybe you should do the same?
INK3

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United States
09/09/2012 10:00 AM
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Re: I hurt my Dad - some advice needed
I would apologize to your Dad for hurting him. However if what you said was what you meant, I'd discuss that with him as well. Point out that you paid for your education (unlike your sister?), and that you are a grownup, independent man.
"When tyrants tremble in their fear, and hear their death knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near, how can I keep from singing"

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