I hurt my Dad - some advice needed

Boundaries make good relationships.

oh sure, but in my opinion the parents should work extra hard at never allowing one child feel as if they always have to live up to a sibling. i think that this father's implying that the op's sister was better was very painful to the op and i can understand their anger and building resentment until the inevitable blowup.

create an authentic space where you can both be heard with love and respect.

Sometimes, the visceral emotions displayed can lead to better understanding and a deeper relationship, especially when we speak from the heart.

Had your message been delivered softly and not with a fire hose it would have been received better. You would feel better about the delivery anyway.

It seems that we spend our adult lives overcoming the roles of childhood, perceived or real.

I know how you feel, I unloaded on my mother one time when I didn't have the wisdom to communicate where she could hear my message and understand my pain.

hugs.

I think the father realized what he did in comparing them and that is why he apologized. Sometimes people just don't phrase things right and it becomes a big mess. I hope to be careful to not do it with my kids but it happens and you have to apologize real fast. It is just so hard not to make comparisons but they should be healthy ones.

OP, do not let time go by, not even one day! I waited for time to go by with my dad and then one day while waiting I got the call! My dad was dying and I missed the opportunity to make things right! I love my dad more than anything and I miss him very much, but he's not here now!


DO NOT WAIT! Go see him and talk to him! Im certain you will both grow closer afterwards...


Good luck :)

OP I gave you the best advice, hope you can follow it.

Finally...A genuine person on GLP.

I can tell that you LOVE your family. On this one, let go of the pride and call him to inform him of how you truly feel. If you hurt him and you know that what you did caused pain, then go back and rectify the situation.

You got to understand that parents come from a different time and have different beliefs in the way they think things are supposed to operate.

The best part about all of this is that THEY ARE YOUR FAMILY. If anyone is going to understand you, or understand why you chose to enact the way that you did...it WILL be them.

You're LOVED more than you could ever understand. Both by your family and the UNIVERSE itself.

travis stuck

Eloquently put.....

Couldn't have been better said.

OP i have had almost that exact scenario play out.

I've always had the utmost respect for my dad but recently my older brother has torn our family apart. My dad has given thousands and thousands of dollars to him and his wife.

Meanwhile his wife won't allow him to even talk to my dad. This has angered my dad and he takes it out on everyone except my brother. Who he feels sorry for because of his crazy wife.

It is a shame

Don't make this about you...or who's advice is "the best." For once we have a REAL situation here on GLP and the last thing the OP needs is THE ADDED PRESSURE OF TURNING HIS PROBLEM INTO A COMPETITION FOR GLP EXPERTS who think their advice is superior to another's.

This is the OP's situation, and if he CHOOSES to listen to you, he will. Don't guilt him into taking your bait.



Last Edited by Serenity777 on 09/09/2012 02:14 PM

i do too, and i think they will find a new and more meaningful respect for each other. at least i hope so.

Many thanks...

OP, this is something that has been weighing on your mind and you told your dad how you feel. Your dad heard you and apologized. Let him know that his attitude hurt you and that although these things needed saying, you approached it badly. The sooner you do this, the faster it can be put aside and you guys can mend.

Last Edited by abrock on 09/09/2012 02:30 PM

I've read all the responses. My intelligence and my life experiences tells me that this is the best advice. All relative of course. YET I have a right to be wrong.


Virtual insanity gives you a chance:

Skip my post. Get gone :)

Throughout my life I have found that FIRST, the truth and a sincere apology are the most important things to do right away. Then, IF you you feel the need to explain the WHY of it then in a calm way tell him how you really feel when he rants on like that to/about you. I suppose your Dad already knows this!! As you say he apologized to you and you feel that he is a strong man, and it must have been hard for him, but I am a 50 male, (B-Day is a week away) have two sons, and they say the same of me. We don't like to see our fathers affected that way, especially if we caused it. :) I know he probably feels just as bad as you do!
It's just that sometimes we ALL say things that weren't meant or because we may partly feel that there MAY be a modicum of truth in what was said about us. And what we SAY to others is because sometimes the words we speak are really directed at back at ourselves.

There is always a hidden truth or a part-truth in the accusations and reprisals that we and others "spew" at each other in these times. Always. I mean, the words were MEANT to hurt when they were spoken, weren't they? Otherwise why did we say them?

I'll tell ya, "us humen beans is funnie peeples" There is this type of disconnection that occurs at that point in time and guess what happens? "WHAT???" :screams the audience loudly

Our tongue is 1/1000000th a fraction of a second faster than our brains!!!! LOL :) It's very hard to put a lock on our lips or tongue at that point. It's a near impossibility. Stupid but true!! Scientific fact? Ummmm NO, but true nonetheless. :) LOL It's part of human nature.

Perhaps we "snap" and say things to hurt those we love, perhaps it was a misunderstanding, perhaps "they" started it, perhaps something else was bothering you that day, whatever the case may be remember this:

Whatever the words are that we say with hate or anger that causes HURT, there are words that can be spoken with compassion that can HEAL!


APOLOGIZE _!_
Hope it all works out. Be Yourself. Never failed for me!


BlackBrood

Hey,

Look up ,"The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey. Take some time to read the habits and what they mean. By learning to be proactive instead of reactive will help when these situations arise. Being a mom, I wish I had learned these earlier. Parents want the best for their kids but we don't always say the right words. Just check the habits out and try using them. It works. By the way, it's never too late to say you are sorry and you love him. God bless and take care.

Dude, you spoke your mind. Any MAN is going to respect that. You gave him food-for-thought.

You showed the Dad that you are not some little boy anymore, and that good or bad, right or wrong, you can make your own decisions, and live with the consequences.

As far as the rest of the family piling on...tell them to mind their business, this is between you and him, and everything will work out.

SO MANY RESPONSES HERE,
let the OP read and pick what fits him.

She is right. Your story resonates with so many people. It is always better to hold your tongue when you are angry, unfortunately I have learned this the hard way. You only have one family and you need to tell them you love them and you are doing the best you can.

This. You would be surprised how far an apology can go.

That may be the nicest, smartest thing I've ever read from you.

From what I gather, seems like your dad just wishes he could be someone you NEED. As it is, you have made your own way without any help from him, except for the fact that he helped raise you. Whatever part he had, it obviously helped you become the person you are.

What's done is done....just swallow your pride, and afterward you'll know what to do.

Before you say or do anything, seek inspiration from the Source within you. Search the traditional Hawaiian forgiveness method of Ho'oponopono. It is not a religion, just a human relations method based on island spirituality. There are threads on GLP and much on the Internet , and youtube:

Silently repeat to the offending memories - I love you, thank you for giving me another opportunity to make amends with the Divine creator.

We all say and do things we regret , the tongue is the most powerful weapon we have, I would go give him a hug and tell him you are sorry and remember we are all products
even your dad of our parents, I use to have real issues with my dad, till I figured this out , most parents want only what is best for us or would like to see their dream come true (they missed out on)through their children, good luck

a awesome movie to watch about this is Mother with Albert Brooks

Tell him to meet you for a talk, tell him what you just told us.
Maybe he doesnt realize how much he criticizes you. Since you are grown he should show some respect also. You have to give it to get it back . You are not the child he talks to . IN order for you to be positive in life you should have your parents believe in you.

Only in time of trouble we become better people. Between the father and son they will always be love and misunderstanding

jump from the bridge

Went to RPI in 1951. Next door neighbor in the former Navy WWII barracks was a nice couple, who, of all things moved a half mile away in my small hometown in CT.

After 1 year in a big engineering firm in Stamford, CT he chucked it for being a proprietor of a grocery store in New Hampshire, which I accidentally stopped at on my families way to Long Lake. He also got a divorce, as I assume SHE was TOTALLY against the 'Loss' of all that training/knowledge AND sacrifice on HER PART ! Never pried; will never know, BUT .... If your UNHAPPY in your work role, you'll bring it home and that is probably another reason they separated.

FORGIVE and FORGET ! He will ALWAYS be your father and YOU his SON !


Eagle